Some People Hate Scheduling Sex But Tia Mowry-Hardrict Is All About It
Back when I was in the process of writing my first book, one of the titles that one of my editors suggested was Single Sex. AlthoughInside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love & Redemption (the first part is what my brother came up with) has a lot of sex in it, no doubt, I didn't find their title pitch to be the most exact. However, over the years, I have indeed kept that lil' phrase in mind, as I've written other articles about sex among singles. And, whenever I compare that kind of coitus to the kind that married couples engage in, two things that I say often is—so long as the marriage is healthy—there is a holistic beauty in marital sex that is truly incomparable and single sex can be very selfish. And by "selfish", I mean self-consumed to the billionth degree (more on that in a bit).
All of this came flooding back to my mind, all over again, as I listened to portions of a podcast called What to Expect. The host is Heidi Murkoff who also happens to the co-author of the best-selling book series, What to Expect When You're Expecting. Anyway, a guest who she recently had on was actor and host of the really helpful home hacks YouTube channel,Tia Mowry's Quick Fix, Tia Mowry-Hardrict. Heidi and Tia touched on a lot, including how Tia's journey with endometriosis led her to become a "self-advocate" for her health and well-being, along with how to balance marriage, motherhood and a career (you can check the episode out for yourself here).
And speaking of marriage. Since that and sex are something that I write about, A LOT, on this platform, it should come as no surprise that it was her hot take on how to maintain her sex life with her hubby (who also is a good actor in his own right), Cory Hardrict, that stood out to me the most.
And just what does Tia think is the key to keeping things going in the bedroom and avoiding the pitfall of ending up in a sexless marriage? I'm so glad that you asked.
How Does Tia Keep Sex a Priority in Her Marriage?
You know how some of y'all do. Unless a celebrity recommends something, you think the idea is crazy. Well, in walks Heidi and Tia to cosign on something that I'm actually a pretty big fan on—scheduling sex. As they were discussing marriage and kids, in general, Heidi revealed that she and her husband basically have a rule in their home that sex, once a week, is an absolute must; she referred to the rule as "sex dates" (check out "When's The Last Time You And Your Man Had A 'Sex Date'?"). And to that, Tia said this:
"Heidi, this is the first time where I'm admitting it, we do too. And, when I was younger and when I would hear that, I'd be like, 'Why do you have to do that?' But like you said, you do — especially with kids and with work and all that, you have to make sure that it's not neglected in any kind of way."
OK, so here's where "single sex" comes in. When it comes to a lot of the single people who I talk about sex with or the engaged couples who I counsel, if there's one thing that they think is borderline ridiculous, it's scheduling sex. To them, that takes away the romance, spontaneity and excitement of it all. I get it. Yet here's the thing—what a lot of unmarried sexually active people don't realize is, for the most part, they're still scheduling sex. If you're not living with your partner, most of the time when you discuss meeting up, if there's not over-the-top flirting or a straight-up discussion about it, doesn't the energy let you know that, 8 times outta 10, sex is gonna be on the menu?
I know back in my (le sigh) sexually active days, if I was planning on spending time with the person I was "engaging" at the time, I made sure I was shaved, smelled amazing and my underwear was sexy AF. Besides, if it was already decided that one of us was spending the night with the other, it was kind of a given that some sort of sexual activity was going to transpire. My friends, to a large degree, that is scheduling sex. That's why it shouldn't be an off-putting trigger, when married folks talk about doing the same.
So, why is it off-putting for so many of us single people? I think it's because, whenever we hear married people talk about paying bills, cleaning the house and raising children, there's some visual in our minds that if they make, say Tuesday, "sex day", both of them are looking a hot mess, the sex is subpar and they would probably rather be doing anything else but having sex—because, after all, if you've gotta put it on your calendar, how great can the sex actually be?
This brings me back to Tia and Cory and a feature of them that I watched on her YouTube channel, this time last year (I believe it was filmed at the end of 2017, though). As they were sharing how their first kiss consisted of Cory asking Tia if he could kiss her; how Cory knew Tia was the one because him being broke (in the beginning) didn't phase her; how Tia knew Cory was the one because he had so much patience with her after she was coming out of an unhealthy relationship and that he taught her how to believe in herself; that they pray together; how, in their eyes, the secret to a successful marriage is forgiveness (Tia), as well as communication and never going to sleep angry (which is what Cory…oh, and the Bible says—Ephesians 4:26-27), and how being intentional about wooing each other (among a host of other things) all plays a role in their marriage being able to thrive—it brought me back to something that I'm a firm believer in:
Sex doesn't "make love"; in a marriage, what sex does is celebrate the love that already exists.
And what does what I just said have to do with why I have no problem with scheduling sex and, to a certain extent, I actually encourage that long-term couples do so? Well, when you're single, oftentimes the focus on sex is the physical pleasure that it brings. However, when you're married, while sex—and not just "any" sex…good sex—should be a very top priority (it really should, married folks), all of the things in life that you and your spouse do together, outside of the bedroom, is actually what matures love and helps you to appreciate the power of commitment more and better.
And because, sometimes, walking through life together can be so all-consuming and full, scheduling sex means that you are making a point to get off of the life-roller-coaster ride so that you and your partner can CELEBRATE all that you are building together. And to plan to celebrate on a weekly basis? That's beautiful and really, who should ever have a problem with that?
It really is kinda crazy that the saying "fail to plan, plan to fail" seems to make sense to the masses, except when it comes to bedroom action. Yet again, when life is full (and sometimes crazy), all scheduling sex means is you are making sure that coming together with your partner continues to be a priority. It doesn't mean it's only a quickie or a half-hearted effort. It just means, "Babe, the world is trying to keep us from 'us' time. Let's make sure to schedule it so that doesn't happen."
So kudos to Tia, Heidi and all of the other married folks who, while they may not be gettin' it in 3-4 times a week, they for damn sure ain't letting their sex life fall by the wayside (by the way, scheduling sex doesn't mean it doesn't happen more; it just means it doesn't happen less than when it's on the schedule for). Oh, and to the single folks who read all of this and thought, "Hmph. My marriage will never be like that", all I can say is "wait and see"; it's easy to think that way until you've got more on your plate than just you. Feel me? I hope so.
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Featured image via Tia Mowry/Instagram
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Tour Interior Designer Annisa LiMara's Organic Modern Meets Midcentury Modern ATL Abode
In xoNecole's series Dope Abodes, we tour the living spaces of millennial women, where they dwell, how they live, and the things they choose to adorn and share their spaces with.
Annisa LiMara has called this space her home for two years. Her Atlanta sanctuary, which she aimed to give the look and feel of something you'd see in the glossy pages of Architectural Digest, embodies her vision of "stunning, yet functional and cozy."
"My home is a reflection of my brand, The Creative Peach Studios, and I am the 'Creative Peach,'" Annisa explains. "It was so easy to reflect who I am and my personal story in my space. When you walk into my home, you know that it is Annisa’s home. I’m so proud of that. So grateful."
On the journey to becoming a homeowner, Annisa looks back on her experience as a "rough one," detailing that she officially started house hunting in March 2020. It had become so expensive to rent, and the 30-something lifestyle influencer decided she would rather invest the money she spent renting into owning a home. However, nine days into house hunting, her search was put on hold for a year. The following year, in 2021, the process of finding the right home and going under contract took a total of four months.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"The resell route didn’t work out, so my realtor suggested a new construction home, which turned out to be the better option," she tells xoNecole of her experience. "Although it requires more patience, it turned out to be a much easier process and a lot easier to maintain since it’s brand new."
As it turns out, the open floor plan three-bedroom two-and-half-bath would prove to be a blank canvas for Annisa to flex her creativity and design skills.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
As a new construction, she watched the townhome get built from the ground up, and due to the "cookie-cutter" nature of new builds, Annisa knew immediately that she would change everything about it. The best part about it? All of her updates were cosmetic, so transformation could occur without having to do major renovations to achieve the look and feel she desired.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"The first things I updated were all the lighting, adding built-ins around my fireplace, and installing wallpaper in my bedroom, office, and dining room! I also had board and batten installed in the upstairs loft to make a statement and the kitchen island," Annisa details.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"Lastly, we painted the loft a soft blush pink, the kitchen island is a gorgeous terracotta, and added contrast with black on the doors, fireplace, and stairwell banisters."
In total, she spent $15K in renovations (plus the cost of furniture and decor). And although she says the second level of her home is a "work-in-progress," two years in, she considers the transformation nearly done.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Annisa defines her decor style as "organic modern meets midcentury modern with a touch of boho," and with thoughtfully placed touches like plants, warm tones, and organic textures, her perspective can be felt throughout. "I found my point of view as a designer in my work and as I worked on my home, so it all came together organically based on what I was naturally drawn to."
"The organic modern meets midcentury modern with a touch of boho' is definitely my signature style. You’ll always see greenery, warm tones, brass, and rattan or wicker in just about every room. My color story is based on my brand [The Creative Peach Studios] colors: blush pink, ivory, olive and sage green, terracotta, and nudes," she adds.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
It was her brand colors that would be the jumping-off point for her approach to decorating and styling her space. That, and a picture she had of what would become her sofa from Albany Park. She recalled her decor decisions, "It was their olive Park Sectional Sofa, and I knew instantly I wanted it, and it aligned with my brand colors naturally, so it was a no-brainer."
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
By drawing inspiration from Pinterest, favorite design brands like CB2, Arhaus, and Souk Bohemian, and through her work, Annisa allowed herself to be guided by her signature style as well as her instincts when making decor and color choices for her own home. "Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason; it just feels right."
Some of the aspects of her home that she regards as her favorites include her bedroom and its little nook where her bed is positioned, the open upstairs loft, and the open concept because "it really allows you to see all of the details I put into the design all at once." Another of her favorite finds is a purchase she copped from the thrift store years ago.
"I have this little brown and gold chair that I picked up for $6 at a thrift store in Jersey six years ago. I couldn’t afford much in my little studio, but the chair was beautiful and unlike anything I had ever seen."
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
In addition to accent walls featuring blush pink and terracotta tones throughout the space, her gallery wall is another element that immediately draws the eye of any guest who enters. Annisa recalled a fond memory of a fine art piece she purchased from a Black woman artist when she first moved to Atlanta that she now prominently features in her living room. "It was a Black villager from her travels in Africa, and I fell in love with it because it felt like an ancestor I never met. I later found out that she was the sister of one of my very first design clients two years later," she shares. "Talk about a full-circle moment!"
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Cultivating a space takes time and patience, and that is a sentiment Annisa echoes when advising people who are looking to infuse more of themselves into their own dope abodes through design. "It is not a race, and you’ll spend more money if you rush into designing without really being intentional about the vision for your space," Annisa concludes. "You just need creativity and patience to do it! And most of all, make sure you feel like it’s an oasis for you!"
For more of Annisa, follow her on Instagram @annisalimara.
Tour Interior Designer Annisa LiMara's Modern Meets Midcentury ATL Home | Dope Abodes
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Everything Issa Rae Has Said About Her Relationship With Husband Louis Diame
If there’s one celebrity who keeps her personal life on the low-low, it’s Issa Rae. Although we have watched her skyrocket to fame following the first season of the iconic series Insecure, she has kept her professional life and personal life separate. That was even more apparent when she married her longtime boyfriend, Louis Diame, on July 25, 2021.
The couple tied the knot in the South of France. However, when Issa began sharing photos of their wedding on social media (which are now deleted), she referred to one of the photos as an “Impromptu photo.” In a photo with her husband, she jokingly said it, “Then I took a few flicks with Somebody’s Husband," feeding us a little information, but not too much.
What we do know about Louis is that his career is in international banking. He’s said to be Senegalese, and he appeared on an episode of Issa’s web series, The Mis-Adventures of Awkward Black Girl. It’s the episode where Issa’s character Jay goes on a date with white Jay and gets nasty looks from people in the restaurant, including her then-boyfriend Louis.
Another fun fact is that the American Fiction actress’ family seems to like him. Issa’s brother, Lamine, told Us Weekly in 2019, “He’s just a good guy, man. He’s just a cool guy,” he said. “They’ve been dating forever. He’s already been like a brother to me. Family ties at all the family events and dinners, Christmas, Thanksgiving.”
Here’s everything Issa has said about her relationship with Louis.
Issa on Her Wedding to Louis
Following their wedding, the Viarae Prosecco founder stopped by the Tamron Hall Show and said she “publicly” claims him and talked about the special occasion. "It was just a beautiful experience," she recalled.
"People tell you that it goes by fast, and they're right. But my thing was, it was a party. At the end of the day, it was just a big party. And it was a lot of fun. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by people who took the time out to just come and celebrate, and that's something that I'll cherish for the rest of my life."
Issa on Married Life with Louis and Whether She Wants Kids
Issa further opened up about being a newlywed in a cover story for SELF magazine and said she was “extremely happy.” When the question arose about having kids, however, she had this to say.
“I like my life, I like this selfishness, and I know that I have a window. I’ve always felt that way, that women, Black women especially—unless you’re Viola Davis or Angela Bassett—you have a window when people are going to want to continue to see you and see what you can do,” she explained.
“Then there are so many limitations placed upon you, and that does keep me up. I want to do as much as I can while I still can. I know it’s not the proper mentality to think that kids will slow you down, but I do feel that way.”
Issa on Being “Super Protective” of Her Relationship
Issa Rae and Louis Diame
Photo by Leon Bennett/Getty Images for Essence
In the April 2021 cover story for Rolling Stone, the journalist shared how protective Louis was as she interviewed Issa. She explained how he was at their home, and later in the week, he showed up during her early morning stroll with the star, staying on the opposite side of the street. This was during the pandemic and yes, they quarantined together.
But Louis isn’t alone. The multi-hyphenate feels the same way about their relationship. “I just feel superprotective of any relationship I’m in,” she said. “That’s come from observing and making fun of people over the years who broadcast the most intimate parts of their relationships, then are left with egg on their face. I call them the ‘me and my boo’ people. Let me embarrass myself. Don’t let a nigga embarrass you. That’s always been my focus.”
Issa on How Keeping Her Privacy is a Form of Self-Care
The producer shared with SELF magazine about the importance of keeping her peace. Like many social media users, Issa often shared a lot of herself on the platforms. However, she began to change her habits pertaining to her personal life.
“I think the little time I’ve been in the industry, I’ve witnessed how so many people who are front-facing don’t have a peace and aren’t at peace, and that’s always been troubling to me,” she said.
“In this age of social media, where I was an avid user, I would share so much of myself, of my friend group, and it was fun because it felt like [it was] just among my friends. The more I started to seep out, the more I felt like people took ownership of me and my decisions and things that I did. That's just not something that sat right with me, and I found that I don’t like to be the subject of conversations that I don’t initiate. There’s just something uncomfortable about that.”
So, when it comes to her marriage, Issa is mindful of keeping some things for herself. "There's something really nice to have a piece of me that no one knows about or no one can talk about except for the people that are part of my life," she said. "Self-care has been having a private piece that's just for me."
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