5 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Getting Engaged
Recently, I read an article about a couple who've been engaged for—count 'em—11 years. Not months, y'all. Years. While the current average of how long an engagement lasts is close to 14 months, for many, engagements aren't seen as simply the time it takes to plan a wedding. These days, a lot of couples are using it as no more than a way of publicly declaring that their relationship is a little more than the standard boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic.
Personally, if a man were to ask me to marry him and I said "yes," I'm not interested in waiting longer than a year (two, tops and that's really pushing it). I'm not really into big weddings, I'd rather put all of that money towards the down payment on a home or car.
So rather than planning a big ceremony, I'd want to read some books, maybe attend a couple's retreat or two, and get into some counseling—oh, and go through the checklist that I share with the couples I give premarital counseling to: "276 Questions to Ask Before You Marry." Yeah, I know that's a lot but if you're intending to spend the rest of your life with someone, you should know as much as possible about what you're signing up for…right?
Actually, before even getting into all of that, I'd want to ask my own self a few questions because before I can be good for someone else, I need to really know who I am and what I would be bringing to the table. This is essential because something I'm a firm believer of is, marriage is like a mirror and a magnifying glass. Nothing shows you the good, bad, and straight-up ugly about yourself quite like a spouse does.
So, what are the questions I think that every woman (myself included) should ask themselves before getting a ring on their finger?
5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Getting Engaged
1.What Kind of “Baggage” Are You Bringing into Your Future Marriage?
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A few years ago, I wrote "10 Most Common Reasons for Divorce." Since my "specialty" when it comes to marriage life coaching is reconciling divorced couples, I have seen infidelity, financial issues, and the lack of intimacy (of every kind) come up. But if there's one overlooked reason why so many couples quit, it's because they brought a ton of baggage into their union. Sometimes without even realizing it.
Baggage like what? Unresolved issues with exes. Boatloads of financial debt. Childhood trauma. Things that not only weigh them mentally, emotionally, and spiritually down but also things that they expect their spouse to fix. That's not only unfair; it's unrealistic.
If there is a person or even a memory that, when they or it comes to mind, you wince, do yourself, your beloved, and your future marriage a big favor and try and address that before saying "I do."
A spouse is designed to be a life partner. Not our personal savior.
2.Are You Ready for Daily Acts of Compromise for the Rest of Your Life?
I know some people who are married but honestly should've stayed single. I say that because they are selfish. Super selfish. Some of them buy things that totally blow the family budget on a whim. Others keep issues in their marriage going for weeks on end because they would rather hold a grudge than apologize. Then there are those who don't make decisions that are best for their marriage as a whole; they only think about what is best for them. And yes, that is the textbook definition of selfishness because to be selfish is to be self-consumed.
If you know you're not a good listener; if you know that you have an "It's my way or the highway" kind of attitude; if you suck at empathizing; if prioritizing needs vs. wants is way over your head and/or if you'd rather "win" than keep harmony and peace in your relationship—not only are you bad at compromising but you are about to make you and your future spouse absolutely miserable.
There's not one marriage on the planet that doesn't require daily acts of compromise. If the thought of doing that makes your stomach turn, again…do everyone involved a favor and stay single.
3.Have You Done Everything That’s Not Up for Compromise/Negotiation?
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Speaking of compromise, something that my mother used to always say that is a big pearl of wisdom is "Do everything you can't compromise before marriage." I like that bit of advice for a couple of different reasons.
For one thing, it's a reminder that being single is just as much of a blessing as being married. There are things that I can do that my married friends can't because they have to take someone else into consideration. I also like this insight because I know far too many wives that, when they were single, they were so obsessed with getting married that they didn't even stop to think about what they would be giving up.
Getting married doesn't mean you lose yourself. It does mean that you signed up to make a major life transition, though. The things on your bucket list that you know would be easier to do without having a spouse, do those now. Your time and money will not be quite as freed up once you become a Mrs.
4.What About Your Current Life Will You Be Giving Up?
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This one is a biggie. Unfortunately, a lot of times, as single women (I'm speaking of the ones who actually desire to be married), we're so focused on what marriage would bring to our lives that we overlook what we'd be losing once it happens.
One wife has told me that she misses sleeping in the weekends. Another wife has told me that she misses talking on the phone all hours of the night with her girls. Still another wife has told me that she misses being able to spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family.
There's no doubt about it. Marriage isn't just about daily compromise. It's also about making certain types of concessions. If you're not someone who does well with sacrifice and change—at the very least wait. It's not fair to you or yours to get married if you're not prepared to give up some things.
5.Aside from Being in Love, Why Are You Considering Marriage?
Something I'm notorious for is folks saying to me, "I'm getting married!" and me following up with "Why?" I'm not being a hater. I honestly want to hear the response. More times than not, I get blank looks or something along the lines of "Because I'm in love."
Love is good. But, believe it or not, there are a lot of divorced people who love their ex. Like? Compatibility? True partnership? That's something totally different.
I remember asking one of my once newly engaged male friends why, after watching him make dating look like an Olympic sport, was he ready to jump the broom. His answer has always stayed with me. "She's my best friend, totally incomparable and I know that we're specifically customized to take each other to the next level in life." Yeah. That's some good stuff right there.
Disney and rom-coms have done a real number on us. It's programmed a lot of us into thinking that marriage is going to be like a scripted film rather than a lot of work. Fun, sex, and companionship? Yes. But also a daily concerted effort to provide what is needed in order to make a marriage last. And that, is not always a cakewalk.
When you pull back attraction, sex, idealistic views of marriage and your wedding day, whatever is left, that is what will reveal what your relationship is truly made of. If it's solid, awesome. If it's not, it's OK to not get engaged just yet.
While you are single, you are your top priority. Love yourself enough to be self-aware enough to know if it's truly time to prepare for a wedding or if you need a little more time to work on you.
If it's meant to be, he'll not only wait but give you mad props for pumping the brakes.
If it's not, still consider yourself blessed. You just dodged a bullet. The fact that it may have come in the form of a diamond ring is totally irrelevant. Trust me on that.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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