One can say that entrepreneur Tanya Sam checks all the boxes: Beautiful. Eloquent. Quirky. Fashionable. Her impact and interests transcend reality TV (though many of us loved watching her on The Real Housewives of Atlanta for sure), and she has the smarts that she's using to empower women entrepreneurs through The Ambition Fund. It's an investment company she founded that has worked to level the playing field for women and minorities to access resources like mentorship, investment capital, and funding.
Oh, there's more. She's an expert in the Web3 and NFT spaces, has served as director of Partnerships at TechSquare Labs, mentoring more than 60 companies founded by women and minority entrepreneurs, and has served as host of the influential Money Moves podcast powered by the Greenwood platform.
And through her work, she has made valuable investments, helping businesses generate more than $100 million in revenue. Add to that her hosting gig on "Making of a Mogul," a TV series focusing on the success stories of entrepreneurs in Black and Brown communities.
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She's been the queen of taking up space across diverse interests and passions, so beyond tech and entrepreneurship, she also has a robust social following and has built a diverse community centered on a love of books via the Tanya Time Book Club, a virtual space that will soon host its first in-person meet up in London.
I caught up with her after our first conversation, pre-Covid, to talk more about how things have been going with The Ambition Fund, her continued pursuit of advocating for women and minority entrepreneurs through actual investment (i.e., putting your money where your mouth is), and how she's been able to lean totally into multiple things she loves while building community:
xoNecole: We spoke almost three years ago, and you talked about all the awesome things you've done with the Ambition Fund. Talk a bit more about the success and impact of your work since then with BuiltxWomen and Ascend 2020.
Tanya Sam: That was just when we were going into the pandemic, perhaps, and that's so crazy! A lot has gone on from there and changed. The Ambition Fund is a fund I started to help underrepresented founders and early-stage entrepreneurs grow, scale, and educate themselves on how to build scalable businesses. A lot of that came from the work I did with TechSquare Labs, BuiltxWomen, and Ascend 2020.
[There was] a little bit of influence from my time at Real Housewives of Atlanta when I was exposed to a much bigger audience. I was constantly being inundated by women, in particular, who were building businesses outside of this smaller tech silo but had credible businesses that they were looking to scale, whether they were in hospitality, beauty---just so many people.
I feel like the pandemic grew this as well, where people were looking for different ways they could make their businesses successful---make their dreams come true.
Courtesy of Tanya Sam
That's where the Ambition Fund [came in.] Prior to that, I was investing in hydro-scalable companies, trying to find an avenue for some of these smaller businesses to help them grow and scale and have profitable enterprises.
Since then, I've done several more investments. In the entrepreneur world, it takes time. One of the things people are always asking is, 'Have you cashed out?' or 'Are you living on an island right now?' A lot of us founders have gone on to raise Series A from either the investment check I wrote---Series A [first major round of funding] or B [second major round]. They've increased their number of employees, which is always important to me, to grow and scale and hire more people and create more avenues for families to grow.
Some of those businesses, sadly, did not survive. They're starting another business based on the learning and pivots they've had to do. I look at that in all sorts of growth because there's a learning lesson for it all.
xoN: You really know your tech and business. What led you to pivot into tech, especially from your background in STEM and what you studied in school? Were you always a tech and business geek?
TS: My background is in healthcare and medicine. I did a degree in genetics and cell biology and then went back and did another bachelor's degree so I could study nursing. I [spent] most of my career in bone marrow transplant and oncology. So when I really was exposed to tech and the idea of it, I was dating my partner at the time. He was instrumental and was a serial entrepreneur starting a cybersecurity company. I knew nothing about cybersecurity, technology, or entrepreneurship at the time.
I really grew up in a family that was very medical-focused. The idea of starting a business and raising a round was completely foreign to me. But, there's all these ideas I sort of noodled on myself and how I wanted to approach entrepreneurship.
There are so many people out there that have this idea, and they're faced with this dreamer's dilemma. Do I take a chance on myself and build my own business to solve a problem that I'm passionate about, or do I keep doing what I'm doing, get my paycheck and live life out as we've been taught?"
[That's the case] for most of our generations----take the safe route. Work the corporate ladder. I did both. I like to say that because there was a time when I was working 12-hour shifts in the hospital but at the same time, I was running my own business and working in startups and tech, learning everything I could. I had people around me that were instrumental in helping me combat the imposter syndrome I think everybody has when it comes to navigating and making those career shifts to go from what they know---what is safe--to risking it all and trying something new.
xoN: You spoke about 'generations' and being taught to go the 'safe' career route, and I know you're Ghanaian-Canadian. There are many friends and family I know who are first-generation immigrants, with lineage from Africa and the Caribbean, who have been told the same. How has your upbringing played a role personally for you in your diverse career journey?
TS: My dad came to Canada on a med school scholarship back in the early '60s. Canada had a very small Black population, so it was a huge deal that he was awarded a scholarship to go to Canada to study medicine, which really changed the trajectory of so many people in our family. One of the main tenants that I think Africans have when you go overseas to study is that there are like five professions you go into. And so, I decided to pursue nursing, and even that, it was like, 'Oh, I'm not sure. You should go be a doctor.'
To branch out and do entrepreneurship in the U.S. was a big point of contention in my family, however, I say all that to say that most Africans---and it's very commonplace---have so many jobs.
When I think back to my aunts who stayed in Ghana, they ran businesses---shops, kitchens, clothing businesses. The idea that I could be a multi-hyphenate and that I could do all these things and wear multiple hats---that part is in my blood.
xoN: What is your advice for other women who have a passion for careers considered 'safe' but also want to branch out and fully lean into businesses or other careers?
TS: You've gotta just go for it. Oftentimes, we're our own worst enemy, and we talk ourselves out of it. We want to wait until the timing is right. I've heard this over and over again. The timing is never right, and you just have to go for it.
My second piece of advice is done is better than perfect. I say this often as well. I came from a background of life-or-death decisions, but most decisions you're going to make in building your business are not going to be life or death. I feel like we have to let go of that idea that everything has to be perfect. [We think] we have to go back to school to study business or get that MBA.
There's so much information available online that can help you scale a business, how to market, how to do operations, so done is better than perfect. Just launch it, and you will always---if you're committed to it---be able to reiterate and grow from that. You will be able to make the best decision possible based on getting your business out there.
And last, access your resources. The best resources are right there under your nose. It's vertical resources and horizontal. It might be people in your mastermind group or others who have built businesses and can help you when you hit roadblocks. Others can help you raise money.
There are people out there who are willing to help you. You just have to ask.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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