T.I. Is Shedding Light On Disadvantages Of Marriage For Men, But What's Really In It For Us?
Marriage in the 21st century is an interesting concept. While some couples choose alternative routes to relationships like polyamory, others are in favor of dissolving the age-old tradition altogether. A quote from a 2015 Fox News piece began circulating around the internet recently, prompting a number of users to share their own views on love and marriage. The post claimed that the reason most men have issues with commitment is because marriage offers no advantage to men. The post read:
"Because there's nothing in it for them: What exactly does marriage offer men today? 'Men know there's a good chance they'll lose their friends, their respect, their space, their sex life, their money and — if it all goes wrong — their family,' says Helen Smith, Ph.D., author of 'Men on Strike.' 'They don't want to enter into a legal contract with someone who could effectively take half their savings, pension and property when the honeymoon period is over. Men aren't wimping out by staying unmarried or being commitment-phobes. They're being smart.'"
The post even caught the attention of celebrities, including rapper and reality TV star, T.I., who reposted the quote with the following caption:
"Just found some info out there from @nay6ah60d_neal I thought I'd share… and mind you, I DIDNT WRITE THIS,A WOMAN DID…. but I do agree to a degree. I've heard it,& seen this a million times over. Note to women: Happiness needs no validation….The Ego does. Most women out there nowadays just wanna be married to impress they friends,family (his side pieces) and fit into society's standards. THATS NOT LOVE!!! That's how you end up stuck with someone YOU THOUGHT YOU WANTED!!!! No matter what… Whatever you do…
Do what you do to make YOU HAPPY!!! -The End"
His thoughts triggered a variety of responses internet-wide that both supported and refuted his claim.
His response proves that we as women need to evaluate our beliefs as they relate to love and millennial dating. I may be cynical, but it seems that the general synopsis toward marriage among people is that they lose more than they gain after establishing a union for a lifetime with their partner.
According to Helen Smith's thesis, a man's life changes as it pertains to finances, friendship, and sex, after marriage. But doesn't a woman's life also change in those same ways? Other than a title and romantic security, what advantage does marriage really have to either party?
Think about the reasoning behind bachelor/bachelorette parties. We use those times as one last night to mourn the glamorous single life and what it meant to us before we head into a dreaded life of monotonous monogamy. But it doesn't have to be that way.
Our mothers and grandmothers were raised to believe that marriage was a form of validation. In a time where the primary breadwinner was the man in the relationship, that union was essential to a woman developing a successful life and building a family. But millennial women are on some new sh*t. We can be ballers, have babies, and leave legacies all without the help of men, leaving millennial women to wonder exactly what's in it for them when it comes to marriage after everything that they're forced to give up.
This idea of give and take in this conversation is interesting to me, because from my standpoint as a 25-year-old unmarried black woman, love is supposed to be about sacrifice, not what one loses or gains after solidifying a commitment.
The traditional idea that love is a prison, where upon entering you are forced into giving up everything you hold near to you, is outdated. We as women are no longer rushed into marriage due to untimely pregnancies or financial woes. We have the choice to spend our lives with whoever we choose, so it's important that we redefine our expectations of an ideal union and choose wisely.
Women prove every day that the concept of marriage is no longer equal to success or validation, so the only thing to keep in mind when you make that choice is your own happiness.
Featured image by Giphy
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images