Have you ever thought about just how far we've come as a society when it comes to sex? You can log onto just about any website and see some form of porn, whether you want it or not. Yet, for some reason, women are still not comfortable talking about "taboo" subjects, including but not limited to threesomes.
Everything about our sexual experience as women is geared towards a man and his pleasure. It's as though our sexual liberation is only okay under the approval of male standards. That's a problem for me. It makes me wonder: Do people think that women are incapable of being sexually attracted to another woman without the approval of a man?
And I'm not speaking in terms of lesbians; I'm speaking in terms of women who are bisexual, women who want to experience sex with both sexes, because it's just something she wants to do. If you're considering having a threesome, but still feel a little skeptical, here's a few words of advice that will help you through your first time:
Have No Shame
I'm on a mission to live my life for me, this was a part of that. I didn't have to tell my Mom this information. I've been in a committed hetero-relationship for seven years. I felt that it was important to reveal this information, because my Mom, like many other older women of color, has a problem with the gays (and has no problem vocalizing it.) This was part of my reasoning for coming out to her this summer.
I felt like a hypocrite, allowing her to speak about that community when I'm secretly a part of it. It's so easy as a "bisexual" woman to live a life completely in the closet and under the radar. I could have kept this fantasy to be with women to myself and end up pulling a Glennon Doyle. But why deny a part of myself? Why build shame inside of myself? So, in my office on-call room, I told my Mom that I was bisexual.
If you're thinking about indulging in a three-way, make sure it's something you're not ashamed of to avoid a sea of regret from flooding in later on.
Ask Yourself If This Is Something You Want
Threesomes, like all sexual activities, are best when everyone involved wants to be there. If there is an issue of cheating or trust, you shouldn't be thinking about having a threesome. Sis, the threesome is not an experience you can give to your man to "make him stay". Or to keep him happy. If you don't trust him, then you damn sure won't trust him with another party involved. So why purposely put yourself through that? You don't want to be the only one in the room, counting the number of times he had sex with her versus you. (That's not fun for anyone).
When considering a threesome, the last thing you should be thinking about is pleasing him. This is about you! Do you want to know what it's like to have another woman down there? Maybe, you want to know what it would be like to be with two men at the same time (no judgment here). This is all about who you want to bring inside of your bedroom. You are the one who has to sit through it, don't you want to be enjoying it, and not watching the clock?
Be Specific In Your Choices
When you think about who you want to bring into your bedroom, it should be someone who fits into your couple style. If you can, you should be the one to pick the girl (or guy). If you don't, at least have a conversation with the person. Remember, this is your bedroom your opening up. It shouldn't be something done lightly. It shouldn't just be something you do to check off a box. A threesome is still a form of sex, which means it's still an exchange of energy, so why not make it count?
One day, I was watching Claws and Uncle Daddy was getting ready to celebrate his 30th anniversary with his wife. He said the key to a happy marriage, is to marry the right woman. He kissed his wife and then his boyfriend walked up next to him. As ridiculous as that scene was, it's true. When you're picking your mate, it must go beyond the surface level sh*t. Your relationship should be the ultimate safe zone, you shouldn't be "hiding" parts of yourself from your mate, so if you want a girlfriend or boyfriend, you shouldn't be afraid to bring up that subject.
The Ball(s) Are In Your Court
It's your bedroom, your man, your vagina, you get to make the rules. Only you can decide if a threesome is good company or a crowd. When you make the decision, do it from a place of curiosity, not out fear or from "the disease to please". YOU make the choice (or not).
I want us as black women to embrace our sexual complexities. To know that our body is not just for male consumption, gaze, or approval. We should feel confident in not only telling our partners what we want, but demanding that all our sexual needs are met. If that can only be done with more than one partner, then sis, it just is what it is! That doesn't make you a "freak" or a "hoe", it just makes you a fully realized woman, who knows what the f*ck she wants!
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Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
____
Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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