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No Shade To Pastor John Gray, But Let’s Stop Measuring A Woman's Worthiness By How Much Pain She Can Endure
At this stage of my life, I am trying to become the best version of me that I can be. Not to attract the attention of a partner, but to earn the sense of pride I will have for myself to know I am doing the best I can with what I have and knowing that I deserve a love that will complement this beautiful ice cream cone I call "my life" like a beautiful sprinkle.
However, this morning, I came across clips from an interview with Pastor John Gray giving his perspective on his marriage and more specifically his beloved wife, whom he admiringly recognized as a pilar in his journey to becoming the influential man that he is today. I have nothing but respect for him because who am I to judge someone else's interpretation of their own experiences? However, many of the problematic statements made me clutch my pearls and whisper, "What in the Lemonade is this?" Let me tell y'all something:
If a man is looking for me to love him unconditionally, regardless of the circumstances, using my strengths as blocks to build him up into the one he has the potential to be in vain of my happiness and emotional health, for me to fill him, even when I'm empty, and put more labor into him than I do birthing my own children, I'm gonna need him to do one thing: Call his momma because he has the wrong one.
Pastor Gray recounts his wife's dutifulness in their marriage:
"My wife has endured more pain birthing me than both of our children. She has sacrificed, these last eight years, uncovering the painful areas of my manhood and covering the areas that could have exposed me. She deserves anything I can give her... I'm going to live the rest of my life to honor her because she gave me what I couldn't give myself, which is chance to heal, while I still seeing the God in me."
Though endearing, this sanctified version of the hood rhetoric of a 'ride or die chick' needs to go straight in the trash. Why? Because you can search the whole world wide web and come up scarce with recounts of men dedicating their lives to build up a woman. Pastor Gray admits himself that he married a woman who was a coat that was two sizes too big, and in order to manifest as a person, it is much better to partner with one that can propel you instead of hold you back:
"If a man marries a lid she stops your dream, but if you marry your covering, she will push you to your destiny."
This statement in itself is hypocritical and implies that it is perfectly fine for men to enter relationships with the expectation for a woman to come with her toolbelt 'Bob-The-Building' him up, but she has to be whole in order to be considered worthy. Let's take the attention off of Pastor Gray and on women in general who give and give into their broken relationships until they have absolutely nothing left except for bitterness, resentment, and feeling of not being good enough after trying to fix a grown ass broken man? Is she considered the lid, the pot, or the oven? Someone please help me out.
Popular self-love advocate Derrick Jaxn weighed in:
"What is the price that any woman can expect to have to pay to try to love a broken man? What scars is she still dealing with 'till this day that will never heal. If no scars, then just in that eight-year time span of trying to love you, and raise you, and give birth to you as a man, what would you say she risked resorting to because she already had her own battles to fight and here she is fighting yours because you didn't get them to a point where you didn't need her to fight your battles for you or cover you in places that you still need healing?"
Nothing against Pastor John Gray personally but this is glorifying the idea that the love of Black women is to be measured by the amount of pain that we can endure, while the man we love grows up, and I am not okay with it.
Our love is more valuable than our ability to be a man's second mother.
My Nana dropped a gem on me during a particularly painful break up I had recently in the form of a simple yet comforting statement: "There is a lid for every pot."
In that moment where I was questioning if I should change myself for this man I felt I could not live without and took our breakup as a measurement of my ability to love and my value as a woman, she was able to relay to me that I am worthy and there are people out there that will love me healthily without breaking me down first. Why?
Because I am the whole kitchen.
Featured image by Shutterstock
New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."