In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
I remember waking up and turning on my TV to catch a new episode of Everybody Hates Chris in high school. If you would have told me that I would be interviewing Imani Hakim, who played Tonya, the little sister of Chris on the show, I wouldn't have believed you. Now in 2021, Imani Hakim is a grown woman and is making her mark in the TV/film industry. Since the show, Imani has landed roles such as portraying Olympic Gold Medalist Gabby Douglas in Lifetime's award winning TV movie, The Gabby Douglas Story and a role in 2017 film Burning Sands.
Currently, you can watch her on the AppleTV+ series Mythic Quest. A series that explores life at a top video game company within a set of an overworked and determined team of programmers and coders. Being a person that is interested in gaming herself, Imani couldn't have been more thrilled when casted for the role on Mythic Quest. Imani is proudly showing representation and bringing much-needed awareness to Black women entering the video and STEM world unapologetically.
Now, I can talk all day about Imani's amazing career growth and her contributions to society. But what I wanted to know more about was how she is taking care of herself on a daily basis. We are all human, after all. And as humans, we need certain things to keep moving, to keep grinding, and to keep our inner peace.
Courtesy of Ruben Badua
When I was able to chat with Ms. Hakim, we couldn't have been more aligned with understanding the importance of prioritizing self-care. As Imani has navigated through the industry since being a child actor, she has learned to always show up as herself authentically. Part of that is to pour back into yourself when it is necessary. We can get lost in the day to day sometimes and we should remember to take a beat.
After my chat with Imani, she expressed, "I really love that I had the opportunity to reflect. I think that it's important because actors and entertainers are put on a pedestal. People forget that we are still human. So when you are asking the deep questions, it reminds people that life is happening to and for us as well. We also have to find moments of self-care."
In this installment of Finding Balance, we talk to Imani Hakim about being authentically yourself, love languages, and the importance of taking a break.
xoNecole: Since your role in 'Everybody Hates Chris', how has it been navigating through the television and filming industry as a Black woman?
Imani Hakim: Well, the industry was different when I first got started. I think I was very lucky with kicking off my career the way that I did. I booked Everyone Hates Chris within three months after moving to Los Angeles and that is not a common thing. So my view of what the industry was like was skewed compared to what it actually was. As I was transitioning from that role and getting older, I was faced with some challenges like colorism and seeing a role I auditioned for being given to someone who is white. I really had to check-in with myself because it does something to your confidence. You try to make yourself more palatable for the industry, but I learned that I ultimately had to show up to the table authentically and not as someone else. It was a bumpy ride, but it was a necessary ride I had to go through.
With your current role as Dana in the AppleTV+ series 'Mythic Quest', what has it taught you about the importance of black women in the STEM field?
Imani: Fun fact about me is that I consider myself a nerd (laughs). I write myself and one of the first pilot scripts I have ever written was about a female gamer. So when Mythic Quest came, I was like WOW, this is perfect (smiles). To be able to play a role like Dana, who is a black female gamer, is so vital and important. Representation in the STEM field matters. There are plenty of young girls and boys who watch this show and can say to themselves, "I can be that!" I didn't have that kind of representation growing up and I feel honored to be that representation for others.
What piece of advice would you give other black women who are pursuing the acting world that you wish someone told when you were starting out?
Imani: Be yourself. Do not feel like you have to water yourself down for anyone. Authenticity is your superpower and be unapologetic about it. One thing that I've learned as I got older is that once you do that, it will get you further than you think.
At what point in your life did you understand the importance of pressing pause and finding balance in both your personal and professional life?
Imani: It is so important to me to press pause. A few years ago, I had that moment of 'this isn't everything'. I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship. I realized that I put my focus on my relationship and I made myself available for my career. I didn't take breaks, I missed out on events with friends and family, etc. I was burnt out. I told myself that I had to find some sort of balance. I made a commitment to myself to allow myself to live my life and still be successful. I can have it all! When I am able to take those breaks and communicate that to my partner or my team, I am a better person and I am a better actor because of it.
"As I was transitioning from that role and getting older, I was faced with some challenges like colorism and seeing a role I auditioned for being given to someone who is white. I really had to check-in with myself because it does something to your confidence. You try to make yourself more palatable for the industry, but I learned that I ultimately had to show up to the table authentically and not as someone else."
Courtesy of Ruben Badua
What are your mornings like?
Imani: So a typical morning for me is I wake up and I do not touch my phone. I make sure I give myself time to stretch and move my body. I give gratitude to my body and I am intentional about being present. After that, I brush my teeth, grab some coffee, do some reading, and then I work out. If I have time to include meditation, then I do that as well.
How do you wind down at night?
Imani: With literal wine (laughs). I like to watch anime with my partner or a movie we haven't seen. I also like to play chess if I'm feeling frisky (laughs).
Do you practice any types of self-care? What does that look like for you?
Imani: My favorite type of self-care practices are things like skincare or moisturizing my hair. I really make a thing out of it. I will light some candles, pour some wine, change the lighting, and really set the mood. I take my time with it and it's such a good vibe.
"I made a commitment to myself to allow myself to live my life and still be successful. I can have it all! When I am able to take those breaks and communicate that to my partner or my team, I am a better person and I am a better actor because of it."
Courtesy of Ruben Badua
How do you find balance with:
Friends?
Imani: When my friends talk, I listen. It starts there. I think sometimes when we are with the people that we love, we don't give them our undivided attention. So I try to be intentional about that. I also make sure I book out, so I am able to show up for my friends and attend different events with them.
Love/Relationships?
Imani: One of my favorite things is knowing about your love languages. Once you figure out how to show them love through that, it is really easy to fit those moments into your life. What my partner and I do is communicate how the other wants to be loved. My top love language is physical touch and his is acts of service. So without saying a word, I will clean the apartment or cook him a meal to let him know that I care. I think for any relationship, whether it is romantic or platonic, you should discover the love languages for the people in your life.
Exercise?
Imani: During the pandemic, I really got into walking because it was really hard to find the motivation to be active. As I kept walking, one mile turned into miles. Then three miles of walking turned into four miles. I think people underestimate the benefits of walking, I know I did. We really need that Vitamin D. Walking feels really good on my body and for my mental as well. It's a time to just be with myself, sweat a little bit, move my limbs, and listen to a podcast or something.
When you are going through a bout of uncertainty, or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
Imani: The way that I tend to handle those moments is I take a moment. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I really practice asking myself, "What do I need right now?" If I can't find the answer and I am too in my head about it, then I give myself a break to gain some clarity. I also like to talk to my partner and vent about how I am feeling to him. At the end of the day, it's about taking a beat. I think sometimes when we are feeling uncertain or feeling doubtful, we have a tendency to jump into action. When in actuality you need to breathe into it. Sometimes, do nothing and the answer will come to you.
"I think sometimes when we are feeling uncertain or feeling doubtful, we have a tendency to jump into action. When in actuality you need to breathe into it. When in actuality you need to breathe into it. Sometimes, do nothing and the answer will come to you."
Courtesy of Ruben Badua
And honestly, what does success and happiness mean to you?
Imani: Success means to me stability, joy, and passion. If I am stable and I am able to give myself the essentials, then that is success. Happiness is peace and acceptance of what is.
To learn more about Imani Hakim, follow her on Instagram here.
Featured image courtesy of Ruben Badua
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In an xoNecole exclusive, the mom of two opened up about many things, including starting her wellness journey at 13 years old. However, a near-death experience during a procedure at 20 made her start taking her health more seriously.
“There's so many different levels, and now, I'm in a space of just integrating all of this good stuff that I've learned just about just being human, you know?” Dreka tells us. “So it's also fun because it's like a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. That's what I call it. So it's never-ending.”
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If you follow Dreka, then you’re familiar with her holistic lifestyle, as she’s no stranger to promoting wellness, self-care, and holistic living. She even lives part-time on a Mississippi farm, not far from her grandmother and great-grandmother’s farm, where she spent some summers as a child.
While her grandmother and great-grandmother have passed on, Dreka reflects on that time in her life and how having a farm as an adult is her getting back to her roots. “So the farm was purchased back in 2017, and it was like, ah, that'll just be a place where we go when we're not touring or whatever,” she said.
“But COVID hit, and I was there, and I was on the land, and I just started remembering back to going to my grandmother's during the summertime and freaking picking peas and going and eating mulberries off the freaking tree in the bushes.
“And she literally had cotton plants. I know some people feel weird about picking cotton and stuff. She had cotton plants and I would go and pick cotton out of her garden. And she had chickens, and I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots.”
"I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots."
You can catch glimpses of Dreka’s farm life on Instagram, which shows her picking fruit and vegetables and loving on her animals like her camel Eessa. Her passion for growing and cultivating led her to try and grow all of her ingredients for her wellness brand, Dreka Wellness. However, she quickly realized that she might be biting off more than she could chew. But that didn’t stop her from fulfilling her vision.
Watch below as Dreka talks more about her business, her wellness tips, breaking toxic cycles, becoming a doula, and more.
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It teaches you about self-control. It teaches you how to learn (more) about what your needs are beyond the obvious when it comes to holistic self-awareness, relational connection, and even sensual pleasure. It also teaches you how to tap into deeper levels of your femininity — and spirituality — and all of this can cause you to feel good about yourself in a way that’s very different from any other decision that you may make as it relates to your overall health and well-being.
Hey, you don’t have to take my word for it, though. Take a moment to check out what these women had to say about what going without sex, for a season, did for them. It just might surprise — or even inspire — you.
*Middle names are always used by me so that people can speak freely*
Giphy1. Andrea. 29. Abstinent for Six Months.
“The sex with my ex had me so f-cked up. In a good way, kind of, and then in a f-cked up way too. The best way to explain is, we had been together for three years, and before him, I hadn’t had an orgasm before; with him, I had multiples, almost every time. A first orgasm is like a first hit of a drug — it’s so addicting that you’ll rationalize all kinds of reasons to stay in something that isn’t working otherwise. That was us. When we broke up, we still kept having sex, and that was making me feel worse about myself because I knew that I deserved more than just a sex high.
"So, I cold turkey stopped to get back to me — and I’ve needed more than a couple of months to do that. No more sex with him has made me get back to me: who I am and what I really want. It’s made me see relationships and sex differently. I’m still figuring it out, but to get back control of my heart and my body has been good because I know that next time, I will be in better control of how I feel about a man — and how he makes me feel. I won’t compromise either one. Not settling is sexy to me.”
"I won't compromise either one. Not settling is sexy to me."
2. Jameela. 44. Abstinent for Three Years.
“My husband was my first. A part of the reason why we divorced was sex-related — we just weren’t in sync that way. After six months of therapy to heal, I went on what I call a ‘sex adventure’ to see what I really wanted from intimacy. After I got the answers, I decided to be abstinent because I also wanted to see how my new understanding of my sexuality lined up with who I was after the divorce. The adventure lasted for about a year and a half. I’ve been abstinent for double that.
"It wasn’t on purpose, it’s just…once you know who you are, what you like, and what you need — when you know it for sure, you’re not anxious. My marriage had me anxious because I knew that something was missing. Now, I know what that was, and I can wait until the whole package comes along. I think men knowing that ‘I’m good’ is what they find to be really sexy. I know I would.”
Giphy3. Waylen. 37. Abstinent for Seven Months.
“The most attention that I would give my body was during sex. Yes, I’d bathe and do the basic stuff — I mean that I wouldn’t make the time to ‘love on me’ the way I would expect my partners to. That caused something to be missing during sex, so I decided to take a ‘time out’ to see what I was going without. Trying different scents, seeing what colors I like to see myself in, creating romantic evenings at home with nothing but me, some flowers and throwback R&B, exchanging cotton sheets for silk ones, giving myself vaginal massages — how do you expect someone to make love to you when you don’t even do it? Abstinence has been a sensual and satisfying experience.”
4. Leeyah. 50. Abstinent for 16 Months.
“I think all women should be abstinent at least once or twice in their lifetime. Our culture makes us feel like all we have to offer is a pretty face and a vagina a lot of times — we need to get off of the ride and remind ourselves that we have a lot of players and plenty to offer. My first year was about getting over an ex. This year has been about celebrating me. Some of it has sexual components to it. I’ve done vaginal mapping. I get facials for my vagina. I buy lingerie for myself. You’ve gotten me into doing sex journaling, and that has taught me a ton.
"I’m seeing someone now, and we do tantric breathing together, which teaches me how to release and restrain my sexual power. Abstinence reminds me that sex is a part of who I am, not all of it — and that the people who should have sex with me should treat me that way. That makes me feel like a sex goddess.”
Giphy5. Jaya. 41. Abstinent for Two Months.
“Somebody should’ve told me how hard this abstinence sh-t was going to be. Damn! I’m only doing it because the past three sex partners I’ve had? The sex was trash, and they weren’t anything to write home about either. It’s easy to blame everything on someone else, but if I’m always choosing men I have to fake it with, what does that say about me? I’m using abstinence to show me that. What I’ve gotten so far is I don’t prioritize my pleasure like I should.
"Girl, I’ve had more orgasms with this damn rose in my nightstand than any d-ck this year. If I’m not faking it alone, I damn sure need to stop with these dudes out here. Let’s see what I learn next month. After that, I think I’m done. Ain’t no point in doing this if I’m gonna end up homeless from snapping at work and losing my job. [Abstinence] is showing me some things. I won’t lie.”
6. Raddix. 37. Abstinent for Two Years.
“My abstinence journey started out as a bet. One of my guy friends bet me that he could hold out longer than I could; the prize was a vacation on the other person’s dime. Are you surprised that he gave in after five months, and I’m still going strong after two years? It was on the trip that he paid for that I decided to keep going.
"I went to Hawaii and got pampered for 10 days. It made me see myself in a different way because pampering is such a sensual experience, and even though I’ve had good sex, I haven’t felt pampered during any of it. No sex makes me want to bring that into it. I’m ready to have sex again, but if you can’t make me feel better than a Hawaiian massage, even with your voice and words alone — I’ll pass. I've gone this long. I'll wait."
Giphy7. Brenn. 26. Abstinent for One Year. (Kind Of.)
“Abstinence is a fascinating topic because, shouldn’t we ask people what kind of abstinent they are? I’ve gone without intercourse because I needed a break from birth control. I have a latex allergy, so I do the shot. But don’t think that I’m not getting ‘munched on’. Are you crazy?! I don’t know why oral doesn’t get more props. Orgasms without the risk of pregnancy is next level! And girl, being ‘served’ like that? You are gonna feel sexier than ever!”
8. Milan. 33. Abstinent for Nine Months.
“Nine months is on purpose. I figure that the amount of time that it takes to create a child is a good amount of time to recreate myself. For years, I was the kind of woman who found validation in my sexuality because if there is one area where I know I am excellent, it’s there. But there’s more to who I am than that, and I needed to go without sex to come to this space.
"Having sex made me feel sexy. Not having sex tapped into a sensuality that I needed to explore by myself. Now that I think I’m ready to have sex again, partners will be with a woman who’s explored other areas of herself — they will experience parts of me that I’m just getting to see. It will be a deeper experience. I love that for me — and for them.”
Giphy9. Elizabeth. 39. Abstinent for Seven Years.
“You know when you told me that abstinence makes you pickier? Girl, you ain’t neva lied! If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be going without some good ‘D’ for multiple years, I would have been the first to cuss you out — but here it is, seven years later, and I’m still going strong. I can’t tell you that I haven’t had some ‘kisses down below’ or that I don’t enjoy ‘returning the favor,’ but I haven’t been ready to let another man inside of my body, in that way, yet. Self-restraint shows you that you really are the prize. You’ve got to earn this, baby — when the right man does, it will pay off.”
10. Michelle. 40. Abstinent for 3-6 Months. Annually.
“Something that I’ve been doing for the past six years is making sure that I go through at least one season a year of abstinence — season means spring, summer, fall, or winter. One year, I did it because I wanted to cleanse out everything while I was doing a detox, which I also do once a year. I just felt so purified that I decided to make it an annual thing.
"There’s something about purging all of that energy out of your system that’s so freeing to me because, when there is nothing in you but you, it creates a level of self-confidence that you can’t get another way. Seven years later, no regrets. Abstinence reminds me to prioritize me. Damn, it doesn’t get sexier than that…does it?”
Sis, I totally cosign. It really doesn’t.
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