Girls With Good Dads Have Daddy Issues Too
Last week, fatherhood started trending on Twitter, provoking women everywhere to tear up a little - myself included. It all started when Iman Shumpert posted a picture of himself and daughter Junie, smiling and laughing for the camera. Immediately, fathers of Twitter followed suit, posting photos of themselves with their own daughters (and sons). I thought about my father, who was a part of my life as a child but has been mostly absent from my life. I thought about my son's father, who kisses his forehead and tells him he's "amazing" every chance he gets.
As black women, we have high hopes for fathers. Whether they are our own, or the men we choose to be fathers to our own children. Fathers impact us greatly, and as black women they can absolutely shape how we value ourselves - whether they are present our entire life or absent. Our parents determine how we will interact in intimate relationships for the rest of our lives. My mother taught me how to be a fiercely supportive friend. My father taught me how to be really hard on myself -
At some point, a man is going to affirm your physical beauty. He may even tell you what it's worth to him or attempt to speak for all men. You may not be asking for this affirmation, or perhaps you will be longing for it deep inside. That affirmation might come from a guy you meet at a party or a magazine ad created by male-dominated corporations or a JayZ song. Whether or not we like it, we are all impacted by what we feel when we look in the mirror. When you’re a black girl, and you are constantly told that you are insignificant - pretty can matter a lot.
The Other Kind of "Daddy Issues"
Last week, xoNecole posted this to Twitter:
Gabrielle Union, during an exclusive interview with xoNecole, described what she realized while standing in line to audition for a TuPac video in 1994:
“My self-esteem was so low that all I wanted was to be chosen [for a Tupac video]. For so many of us, we chase that and it isn’t necessarily just girls that weren’t raised with a father–my dad was there every day.”“He told me positive affirmations but my dad never said I was pretty. ‘That’s a great crossover’, ‘Nice jump shot’, ‘You’re so smart,’ but I was never validated for my looks. My parents thought that was the best route because you don’t validate young black girls for their looks; you validate them for their achievements.”
The reactions we received in response on Twitter and on Facebook ran the gamut. Some commenters through Gabrielle should just be happy she’s rich and famous. Others didn’t see the point of complaining about a fiercely present father just because he neglected to say, “you’re pretty”. Quite a few people felt confirmed that physical affirmation from their fathers was something they either needed but did not receive, or received with great appreciation.
Either way, two things were made extremely clear. Emotional needs are exclusive the individual and how they perceive support and even women raised with active fathers can have “daddy issues”.
Why Pretty Matters to Black Girls
Beauty is about empowerment and self-expression as well as defining yourself unapologetically. But, the reason this movement is so detrimental to our existence is because at some point, the wrong person told us we were pretty. And they probably told us we were pretty for the wrong reason.
So what happens when you are always affirmed for what you do but never for what you look like? There is a fine line between self-affirmation and needing your worth affirmed by others. Treading that line takes some very honest self-exploration.
So why is this element of parental support so important to - if not all black women - some black women? There are a few other statistics that come into play when it comes to how black women walk through this life. According to the Connecticut Alliance to End Sexual Violence, 40% of black women report coercive sexual conduct by the age of 18. Black women are also three times more likely to experience intimate partner violence. We are the least likely to make as much as our male counterparts in the corporate world. Black women face incredible challenges every day and confidence plays a part in how we deal with every single adversity. Confidence in our abilities and confidence in our attributes.
The Hard Truth About Black Women and Our Fathers
For Gabrielle Union, sexual abuse has played a major role in her life. She has been endearingly transparent about her own experiences shortly before the debut of Nate Parker's Birth of a Nation and more recently in her new book We're Going to Need More Wine which dropped this week.Regarding the damage that comes with surviving rape, perhaps knowing that she was more than an object that could be picked up and thrown back down by at will, just might have been circumvented by fatherly reassurance.
To say that Black women are not deeply affected by our interactions with the men in our life would be doing a disservice to our very evolution. We have come a long way, but it's also perfectly ok to want and need to feel pretty. It's ok to need to hear that from a man you trust and adore. It's also ok to decide you don't need that kind of outside confirmation at all. Ultimately we have to take ownership of what we want, need, never received or carry on without. Because believing your own worth is vital in the business of moving mountains.
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images