Mashonda On Mending Her Relationship With Alicia Keys: "You Have To Do The Self-Work To Blend"
I grew up in a single-parent home and I always knew that one day, I would have the nuclear family of my dreams. And while I did eventually achieve this, he and I eventually grew apart and the relationship dissolved.
People speak about how difficult divorce can be, but for me, the hardest part was knowing that I was now going to have to figure out how to co-parent for the sake of our two children, and that was very scary at first.
I worried about a lot of things, but mostly I realized the lack of control I would experience when the kids weren't with me. The notion that "mom knows best" made me truly understand why so many couples stay for the sake of the kids.
No two families are the same, and for Mashonda Tifrere, hers is now "blended". Many know her as Swizz Beatz's (Kasseem Dean) ex-wife but she's made a point to prove to the media that she is much more than that. Mashonda is a poised and confident advocate for the power of a healthy and, for some, unique way to raise children in this ever-evolving world that we live in.
The 39-year-old just released her book, Blend: The Secret to Co-Parenting and Creating a Balanced Family, and in it she details what she needed to do for herself to overcome her breakup with Swizz Beatz, how the couple eventually came together for the sake of her son Kasseem Dean, Jr., and how they were able to blend their family and include Swizz Beatz's current wife, Alicia Keys, into the fold.
Mashonda recently sat down with The Breakfast Club to talk about the book, address some of the lingering rumors surrounding her divorce, and what it means to co-parent versus having a blended family.
She told listeners that initially, there was a lot of work that needed to be done through the help of therapy, counseling, and a genuine desire to do what was best for her son to get the point where she felt knowledgeable enough to write this book. Although it isn't a tell-all, Mashonda describes the book as a gift from her family to ours. She told The Breakfast Club:
"I had to go through everything to get to this point to be able to actually pen a book about the experience. It was necessary. We have accomplished something that our culture truly doesn't understand, and it's a gift. It's a gift from us to the world."
Back when their relationship ended, and the new one began between Mashonda's ex-husband and his current wife, there were plenty of rumors and words used to describe what had been going on. Charlamagne bluntly addressed the "homewrecker" rumors, to which Mashonda replied: "I have never used that word once."
She says that while they had a lot of miscommunication in the beginning, they were able to amicably work through it all.
In the interview, Mashonda revealed what led her to finally have the tough conversation with Beatz in order to effectively co-parent and eventually blend their families. She said that when Kasseem, who was born in 2006, was 6 years old and starting to act out in school, she knew they needed to make a change. She says:
"When you have children and your children have questions, and you can feel their energy shifting based on the energy you're giving them--if you're a good parent, you know you have to make the change."
Mashonda says that she wanted something different for her own child because of her own experience growing up. She was always adamant about keeping the father-son bond tight because kids have a right to have their parents in their lives.
Mashonda also admits that despite much of the miscommunication in the beginning, she also realized that she needed to heal within herself in order to truly move forward and blend a family stating:
"You have to do the self-work to get to the point to where you can blend."
In the book, the first three chapters (Look to the Light, Rebuild Your Spirit, and Surrender) address what it took for her to heal from the divorce and the ruthless attack from the outside world. Through this healing she was able to start the process of accepting that she wanted to create a healthy and stable blended family for her son.
Mashonda recounted the many ways that not only does Alicia step up to be an awesome bonus mom, but she also is consistently proving that she will be there to do what she has to do. What was most revealing was Mashonda's take on what it means to co-parent versus having a blended family. She says that it comes from the desire to show her son that the people in his life can actually get along. She reveals:
"You can co-parent or you can blend. I notice that when people co-parent, they might not like each other...you drop they kid off, 'hey', keep it moving...that's co-parenting. Blending is a higher level, it's a lifestyle. It is truly putting harmony into the relationship, and ultimately, that's what I wanted to for my son. I wanted him to see the people in his life truly and genuinely get along. So that meant that I had to do the work, we had to do the work, and we had to see eye to eye. And it's extra work. And it depends, which parent are you? Do want that or do you want this? You get to choose, but ultimately, you are molding the future in your child, you are creating who this human being is going to be."
Sheree Fletcher, Misa Hylton, and Malik Yoba have also shared their experiences with Mashonda in the book, which is now available for purchase.
Parenting is already hard, and a co-parenting situation can be tricky at first. When parents are able to put aside their egos for the sake of the children, you might be surprised what type of family dynamic may come of it. Kudos to Mashonda, Swizz, and Alicia for showing us that a blended family can not only work, but it can be a lot of fun, too!
To see more of Mashonda's interview with The Breakfast Club, click here.
Featured image by Gary Gershoff/WireImage
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images