
EXCLUSIVE: Stacey Abrams On What’s At Stake For Black Women Voters

Midterm elections are coming up on November 8, 2022, and a lot is on the line for voters. An election that people across the country are particularly focused on is the gubernatorial race in Georgia that has once again found the current governor, republican Brian Kemp, and the democratic candidate and former Georgia state representative Stacey Abrams competing for the coveted governor role. After the 2018 state election that was marred with voter suppression that favored the Georgia republicans, Abrams has committed herself to making sure that Georgians’ votes matter.
xoNecole recently caught up with the gubernatorial hopeful about her campaign, what’s at stake for voters, and what voters can expect from her if she’s elected.
xoNecole: The last time you ran for governor in 2018, that election ended in voter fraud that favored your opponent. What informed your decision to run again knowing the corruption that exists and can succeed in electoral politics?
Stacey Abrams: I wanna make sure we use the right language: it was voter suppression. Voter fraud is when someone manipulates the outcome, and that's what Donald Trump attempted to do. And what's so important about understanding voter suppression is it's not about the outcome – it is the outcome – but it's mostly by manipulating who has access. And that is what is so concerning about what happened in ‘18 and why I'm running. Because every Georgian who is eligible to vote deserves to have access to the right to vote. And unfortunately, this governor, both as Secretary of State and now as governor, has instituted multiple barriers to access, which leads to voter suppression. But the reason we have democracy is so that communities can have what they need.
We vote for leaders who will see us and serve us. And unfortunately, over the last four years, Brian Kemp has proven he doesn't see us. He has refused to tackle the core issues affecting our communities. He won't expand Medicaid, which means that thousands of people are denied access to healthcare for cancer treatment, for diabetes treatment.
We know that he has refused to invest in our schools. Too many of our young Black kids who are trying to go to college can't get financial aid and he won't tackle that issue. And we know that affordable housing is a crisis across the state of Georgia. In fact, he's sitting on 400 million for rental eviction assistance and won't spend the money. And then we know that in the state of Georgia there is a 100-year gap between Black and brown economic revenue and white revenue. He said that he'll study the issue. I actually have a plan to solve the issue in 15 years. And I say all that to say this: I'm running because I believe Georgia is at a moment of opportunity but we need a governor who sees us and is willing to serve all of us, not just as friends, not just people who he thinks are like him. And by pushing back against voter suppression, we have done the work of letting voters know that they have the right to be heard. And I believe in this election, they're going to show up and decide that they want more for their lives and for theirs.
xoNecole: You were praised after the 2020 election for your organizing efforts in getting Black people registered in Georgia in record numbers. Still, in the two years since then, many Black voters have expressed frustrations with democrats for seemingly once again using them for votes only to abandon them once in office. How do you convince someone who has felt let down by the democrats over and over again to once again cast a ballot for the party?
Abrams: First I begin by saying that Democrats have actually delivered in the last few years and it's going to feel as if it's not as much as we need, but it's more than we had. I point to the Inflation Reduction Act, which has poured money into our communities. The Infrastructure Act, which is going to employ so many of our communities. The CARES Act and the ARPA Act, which allowed so many millions of Americans, including Georgians, to have access to healthcare and some small relief.
But we need more. And part of that is that we need governors who actually work with the federal government to get the money to the people. What so many in Georgia don't understand is that yes there's money coming from the federal government –6 billion extra dollars in the state of Georgia – but the governor won't spend it on our people.
And so my reason for running and what I want people to understand is, I need you to trust one more time. We've tackled the federal level. We understand mayors, but until we control governorships, until we have people who actually are the intercessors between the federal and the local to actually do the work, we aren't going to get what we need. We aren't going to get the support that we deserve. And so, I am proud of the work that Democrats have done to send resources here, but now it's time to have a governor to get the resources into the pockets of our people, to get more money into our communities and more opportunity into our neighborhoods.
And when we have that governor, when I am that governor, we can deliver and we can finally push back on the reason people don't trust. They don’t trust because they don't see change. And with a new governor in the state of Georgia, they will see change.
xoNecole: What do you believe is at stake for Black people in this election?
Abrams: Everything. We know that Brian Kemp doesn't care. He won't help. And he has attacked our freedoms. I say he doesn't care because he has refused to expand Medicaid. That means that half a million Georgians are being denied health insurance, 40% of whom are Black people. 40% of the people being told “no” are Black people who need that access to healthcare so they can take care of themselves and their families, and it's physical healthcare and mental healthcare.
And by refusing to draw down those dollars, he is saying no. We also know that under Brian Kemp, we have seen a skyrocket in gun violence rate, including guns being the number one killer of our children, and most of the children dying are Black. If we don't have a governor who believes in common sense gun laws, our children and our communities will continue to be the victims of gun violence and those guns are gonna get easier and easier to secure. But we also know that because he's let so many of our hospitals shut down. When they get shot, when they get hurt, there's nowhere to go for help.
Number two, we need access to housing. Affordable housing is a crisis and for Black communities, it is also the major pathway to wealth if we don't have access to housing.
We lose not only the daily opportunities for stability but long term opportunities for growth. And I intend to invest in affordable housing in the state of Georgia, especially to make certain that black communities have the chance to build generational wealth.
Number three, we know that the issue is can you make a living in Georgia? And unfortunately, this governor has been very comfortable with 1.5% of all contracts in the state of Georgia going to Black and brown people. Now that means that 98.5% go to white people in a state where Black people are 33% of the population. I want to be the Maynard Jackson of Georgia. I wanna make certain that we are growing wealth in our small businesses immediately, and you don't need legislation. You just need a good leader.
But I also know that Black women are in danger in Georgia because of Brian Kemp's draconian abortion ban. After six weeks, Black women already have a three times higher likelihood of dying from pregnancy-related illness than anyone else, and Georgia is number one in maternal mortality with his refusal to expand Medicaid. One in five women does not have access to healthcare. Then he puts on top of it, forced pregnancy and no opportunity for help. On the other side, I want to be the governor who repeals that abortion ban. And this is crucial, not only for Georgia but for Black people across the country because 56% of Black people live in the south. And that means unless I become the governor of Georgia, for Black people from Texas to North Carolina, from Tennessee to Florida, they will be denied access to reproductive care unless Georgia becomes an oasis for freedom and so on gun violence, on having the right to choose, on the right to vote, on the right to make your life better.
I am the only person who is looking at Black communities, talking to Black communities, and has plans for the success of the Black communities.
xoNeocle: Speaking to your pledge about investing in affordable housing, childcare, and minority-owned businesses: there has been criticism of your platform on policing which is to pour even more money into police departments, saying “higher pay [for police] leads to fewer negative interactions.” During a time when many Black people are still being unjustly killed by police and many people are organizing around defunding police departments and putting those resources directly into communities instead, how do you justify giving even more money to the police?
Abrams: So what I've called for is expanding pay raises for law enforcement because we have law enforcement officers in Georgia who make less than a living wage, and we cannot say that we believe in a living wage and not say that that includes the people who protect us. We know that when someone commits a crime, it's often that they commit a crime against someone in their community. And I've got a brother who's been one of those people who has victimized members of our community. And I want people to be able to call for help. I want them to be able to call the police and say, please come and protect me. But I also know that my brother doesn't lose his humanity simply because he makes a mistake. And that's one of the reasons I'm calling for increased pay for correctional officers because our correctional facilities are in crisis and those who are in our prisons are being victimized and abused because we don't have adequate protection for them inside.
And so one of the pieces I'm pushing for is making sure we increase pay for correctional officers so those our prisons aren't being run by gangs who are victimizing and doing dangerous things to our communities. I also wanna pay for the salaries for our community supervision officers. When my brother finally stabilized, when he finally got out of prison, he for the first time had a good parole officer who kept him off of the road to recidivism.
And now my brother has been readmitted to Morehouse College. He is stable, he is clean, and I want that for every Georgian. And so my push is to make certain that we, the public, those who do law enforcement, who do it right, that they make a living wage, but that we also have adequate support to protect our communities.
But I also have a brother who's been pulled over for driving while Black. Many times. He's a social worker who was helping keep people out of jail, and he risked his life every time someone pulled him over. I believe in accountability. I believe that anyone in law enforcement who exhibits disregard and disrespect for our community should be held accountable.
And I am the only candidate calling for that accountability because I know that we have to have both public safety and accountability. That we have to have criminal justice and we have to have law enforcement. It is dangerous to pretend that we can pick one over the other. And because of my two brothers, I know we need to have both.
xoNecole: During the 2020 primaries, you defended Biden for president, even going as far as defending him against allegations of sexual misconduct, even as people like Vice President Harris said she believed the women [accusers]. Even to some of your supporters, this defense [of Biden] was unexpected. When it comes to issues of sexual misconduct and justice for victims, what policies can voters expect you to uphold and defend as governor?
Abrams: I believe that women deserve to be heard. I believe women deserve protection from sexual violence, and they deserve to have a platform and access to opportunities. And I will stand on my record any day of the week. I believe that it is important for us to create spaces, not only for hearing our victims, but making sure they get access to the help and the support they need and that's one of the reasons I want to expand access to Medicaid and expand access for those who have needs to get the mental healthcare treatment and have the law enforcement responsibility to take care of them as well.
The other piece of this is that in a state like Georgia where we have no access to abortion, we know that victims of sexual violence are going to be forced to carry their attackers' progeny and that is wrong. We need a governor who's actually going to protect the right of a woman to choose to control her body and to control her future. And I am proud of my record defending women and defending our right to choose.
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Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
10 Former Virgins Tell Me Why They're Glad They Waited Until Their Wedding Night
A couple of months ago, while having a conversation with one of the former virgins-now wives who happens to be featured in this article (who also happens to read a good amount of my content), something that she brought up is why don’t I mention virgins more in my content: “It’s not like we ain’t out here, Shellie,” she said — and she is exactly right.
Honestly, I didn’t have a real reason to give her because it’s not like I don’t know my fair share of them. Yeah, contrary to what social media wants folks to think, there are individuals who make it out of both high school and college without having sex (some, any form of sex, and some even well into their 20s and on) and really contrary to what social media says, research continues to share benefits that can come from waiting until marriage to copulate.
For instance, people who have only had sex with their spouse reportedly have a 45 percent greater chance of having a really stable marriage. Another study says that 71 percent of men who have only had one partner are very happy in their marriage as opposed to 65 percent of men who’ve had two or more partners. And still, another report has stated that women with 10 or more partners are most likely to divorce while women with only one partner are the least likely to.
It's another article for another time about why this all may be the case. For now, I just thought it was important to remind cyberspace that virgins are not obsolete (check out Newsweek’s “Number of Virgins in America Hits Record High” that came out just this past January) and there are some former virgins in this world who not only waited until their wedding night — but, for their own special reasons, are oh so very glad that they did.
1. Lynn. 28. Married for Three Years.
“I come from a generation of virgins and I’m proud of that. My mom was a virgin when she got married. So was my grandmother. I was raised that my body is a wedding present and so I’ve always seen myself that way. I’m officially out of my newlywed years and while it took about a year for me to really get the hang of things, I like that my husband is the only man that I’ve known. I don’t have anyone to compare him to. I’m not wondering if I’m missing out. He was a virgin too, so we’re not worried about mystery babies or incubated diseases. Sex is peaceful in my home. I’m glad that I waited.”
2. Adina. 35. Married for Eight Years.
“I’ll be real — I was a virgin on a technicality. I think a lot of virgins are because I didn’t have intercourse until marriage — but there was some oral action going on up in here for years. That’s just the truth! It’s not that I don’t think that oral sex is sex — I just liked that I could have the pleasure without worrying about pregnancy…and yes, not wanting to get pregnant is the main reason why I waited until marriage. I will say that giving my husband something that no other man had before did make the wedding night special — awkward, kind of uncomfortable and funny as hell at times but really special. I don’t regret it.”
3. Marie. 29. Married for Two Years.
“I didn’t plan on being a virgin until marriage. My goal was just to not give it up unless I loved someone — and that didn’t happen until my husband. When he found out that I was a virgin, he didn’t want to risk us dating, having sex, and breaking up. He said that it would have been on his conscience for the rest of his life. So…we waited. I didn’t expect that to make me love and trust him more but it did. If he could guard my heart while dating me, I’m sure he can protect me well now that we’re married. Waiting made me feel safer in my relationship. That is probably the best thing about it.”
4. Eliana. 30. Married for Six Years.
“People like to act like sex isn’t a big deal and that’s a damn lie. Anything that can give you a child or a disease that could end your life isn’t something that you should not care about. It’s not that I wasn’t curious or tempted or that there weren’t times when I didn’t come close, but so many of my friends had regrets about…not really the sex but who they chose to have sex with that I didn’t think it was worth the stress. I do think that if you are going to wait until your wedding night that you should find some wives to talk to because, baby, I was not prepared. I think that is a part of what marriage is about, though — having some things that you learn about, only with your spouse, knowing that it’s not a performance but an experience and since you’re married, you have all of the time in the world. There was a learning curve but we’ve got it down now, ma’am. Thank you very much.”
5. Krystal. 27. Married for Four Years.
“I’ve always thought it was weird that people think that virginity is only tied to religion. I’m agnostic and I was a virgin until I was 23 because I watched how the college years went for most of my friends and I decided to pass on STIs, unwanted pregnancies, and being caught up in guys who I didn’t see a future with. Life was easier for me not having sex and now I can enjoy my husband without the drama that my friends went through. You don’t need religion to use discernment.”
6. Michelle. 24. Married for One Year.
“I don’t know why people think that being a virgin means that you don’t think a lot about sex or have valid things to say about sex. For me, staying a virgin was hard but the reason was simple: I have a vivid imagination and I didn’t feel like having to think about what I should try or hold back from when it came time to do it. I know women who are like, ‘I’ll have sex with you but won’t suck your d-ck’ or ‘I’ll have sex with you but not in these positions.’ Girl, that man is in your body. What are all of these rules about? If your first time is something that you will never forget, I wanted mine to be no rules, no boundaries — we in this bitch! And that’s just how my wedding night was. I love him. He loves me. We’re gonna do whatever, whenever, however, for the rest of our lives. To me, that’s how sex should be.”
7. Francine. 33. Married for Four Years.
“I was too busy for sex. Call it strange but I just had too much on my plate. I think some people go to college and lose it because they didn’t have a real plan. College is something you do and so you go — and then you get distracted. That wasn’t me. I knew what I wanted to do, so, as fine as some of the men were, I wasn’t going to waste my time or my scholarship. Then, once I got my master’s, I was focused on getting a job and buying a house, so I didn’t do a lot of dating then either. I guess the universe didn’t want me out in these streets for too long because once I was ready to have a dating life, after three flop dates, thanks to a set-up, I met my husband, we dated for six months, and got married. It’s weird because I didn’t put much thought into being a virgin until my wedding night while I was living my life but now that you ask, I’m glad that I waited because, since I am such a planner, it’s nice that I don’t see sex as something that wrecked, ruined or even delayed all of the other things that I wanted to do. I never want to see sex as problematic. I think that waiting kept that from happening.”
8. Nya. 31. Married for Six Years.
“I’ll never forget you telling me about that husband who said that the thing that he loved the most about his wife’s body is he believed that when God made her, he had her in mind. When you told me that she wasn’t a Coke bottle shape, that made me feel like I didn’t need to change who I was while waiting for the right man. In all honesty, a part of the reason why I was a virgin for so long is because I had body image issues that I was dealing with. In college, I learned that men talk just as much as women when it comes to stuff like that and I didn’t want different guys ‘sizing me up.’ When I met my husband, he always made me feel not just like I was attractive but that my body was stunning to him — and that made me want to share myself with him. Honestly, the only reason why we waited until our wedding was because we were in a long-distance relationship and didn’t date for long, but it did feel good to know that he didn’t want to ‘test anything out’ before to make sure that he would be happy in that way. He was satisfied with me without sex and that made the wedding night pretty incredible."
9. Berry. 38. Married for 20 Years.
“It might be weird to hear that, although I was a virgin on my wedding night, I was also ‘abstinent’ when I dated my husband. What I’m saying is that no man had penetrated me before him, but I did mess around quite a bit with guys and it always made things messy — one way or another. When my husband came along, he wasn’t a virgin by any stretch, but he had been abstinent too for a few months. When we saw that this was going somewhere, we made the decision to not do anything sexual until we got engaged and then to not have actual sex until our wedding night. It gave us time to learn intimacy in other ways. It also helped out our relationship because we both travel for work. People think that you don’t need self-control sometimes after marriage and that’s just not true. Anyway, something that I respect about waiting is it ‘programmed’ me to see sex as something that is only for marriage — not due to religion but because I don’t know what intercourse is like without having a husband. I kinda like it.”
10. Chadae. 43. Married for 18 Years.
“It might sound crazy but one of my favorite celebrities has always been Lisa Bonet. I thought she was so pretty on The Cosby Show and I remembered watching a rerun of when Cliff asked her husband if they had sex before marriage and he said that Denise was a virgin on their wedding day. Even though a lot of my friends were having sex, something about that stood out to me — that you can be a beautiful woman, go on dates, have a full life and there doesn’t have to be sex on the table. I also liked how proud Cliff was as a father because, when my husband asked for permission to marry me, my dad didn’t ask if I was still a virgin, but I told him and my mom that I was and he teared up. He said it was because he wanted a man to value me enough to vow himself to me before I gave him my body — and he trusted my husband because he did. It might sound old-fashioned but some things that are ‘old-school’ prevent you from learning things the hard way.”
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Two of my favorite married couples have been together for over 20 years and the thing that they have in common is both the husbands and wives were virgins on their wedding day. Something that one of the wives has told me is she likes that all she knows is her husband and something that one of the husbands has said is he’s never wondered if he’s missing out on anything because he’s never had anyone to compare his wife to. How sweet is that?
If you are a virgin who is reading this, all of these resolves can definitely provide you with some food for thought before making any decisions about what to do about your own sex life. Because while the power of your sexuality is certainly your choice, should you want to wait — not only should you not feel bad, embarrassed, or even hesitant about that, there are benefits that can come with making such a sober-minded decision.
Virgins still exist. And, like most things in life, virginity has its own rewards. Salute.
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