Chloe x Halle On Embracing Individuality While Evolving As Women & Musicians Together

"We don't really care about the trends you like to follow…"
These are the first lyrics that pop into my head when I think of Chloe x Halle. These undeniably talented sisters are single-handedly responsible for the Grammy-nominated soundtrack of my life, The Kids Are Alright. Their artistry has evolved from their days as YouTube famous cover artists with viral renditions of Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" and John Legend's "All Of You". They've taken over the music charts, our television screens as the Forster twins on Freeform's Grown-ish, and graced the stages of their mentor's On The Run II Tour. Additionally, the two will be gracing the big screens showing off their separate cinematic acting chops in Miramax's The Georgetown Project and the live-action remake of Disney's The Little Mermaid. Need I say more about how incredibly talented these multihyphenates are?
When first connecting with the "Forgive Me" songstresses, I could feel their positive energy radiating through the merged call from the moment they clicked over. Before the interview started, I had to praise them for their uplifting virtual tribute for my alma mater, Spelman College, and using their platform to amplify Black voices during these times of racial injustice and heightened systemic racism. As always, I asked the Grammy-nominated "Do It" duo about their mental health and if they were OK to proceed with the interview before starting. "Right now, I'm feeling very grateful and so tired, but so grateful and happy," Chloe Bailey answered. "And I'm feeling hopeful in a way too with everything going on and seeing everyone raise their voices to make a greater change. I'm in a positive vibe right now."
I had the pleasure of speaking with Chloe x Halle about the creation and inspiration behind their latest album Ungodly Hour, their growth as musicians and actresses, and their appreciation for Gen Z activism against police brutality.
xoNecole: When did you two know that music was your God-given talent?
Chloe Bailey: I remember my parents and my aunts telling me they would hear me sing in the car when I was like two in my diaper (laughs). When I knew that Halle and I had something special together singing was actually when we had our very first performance and it was at the Spelman Summer Camp Variety Show; we sang "Summertime" and we were 5 and 7 and we won. I remember in that moment, I was like, "Hey, this might be our little thing." So, ever since we were 5 and 7. It kind of progressed from there.
You two have always been transparent about your self-taught musical abilities with production, arranging and writing. Now that your artistry and your popularity has grown and blossomed before our eyes, do you still find great importance in having a creative hand in your own work?
Halle Bailey: Absolutely, my sister and I, we definitely take ownership in every single thing that we do. Our musicianship is very important to us. Our dad always instilled in us - our dad and our mom - that we can do anything we put our minds to and you don't have to wait on other people to do these things for you; you can learn them yourself. My beautiful sister is an amazing producer, she produced both of our records front to back. We write every single word that we sing, and that is so very important to us because it's our story and we want it to be truthful and we want it to be healing and we want people to be able to relate to what we're saying. We feel like when it comes from the heart, it's best and we definitely take full ownership of everything that we do and remind each other that we can do this.
"We write every single word that we sing, and that is so very important to us because it's our story and we want it to be truthful and we want it to be healing and we want people to be able to relate to what we're saying. We feel like when it comes from the heart, it's best and we definitely take full ownership of everything that we do and remind each other that we can do this."

Photo Credit: Robin Harper
Who were some of your major musical influences growing up? Did you two have the same or did you have a different sense of musical styling?
Chloe: It was different. For me, I grew up loving Destiny's Child, Toni Braxton, Nina Simone, Jill Scott [and] would always be playing [those artists] in our household. And Erykah Badu and Outkast. There's so many people that we have been inspired by. As I've gotten older, I've really been inspired by Kelis - I love her so much. I love Imogen Heap and Grime. That's for me. Oh, and Donna Summer!
Halle: For me, I've always been a super big jazz-head since I was 5. I discovered Billie Holiday because I saw that her CD was pink and I was like, "Oh, this is cool" (laughs). I've always been a big jazz-head so Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, Nat King Cole, Sarah Vaughan - those have been my go-to. That's what really inspired me to want to continue to sing.
How would you describe your sound? Obviously the lyrics are powerful and the harmonies are definitely there, but there’s a lot of variety and interesting textures that play throughout the background of your music. Do you two have a creative process when you’re in the studio or writing music, and does it differ from one another’s?
Halle: Our creative process in the studio is actually very exciting and fun. We are two very completely different human beings, so it kind of stems from one of us [starting] it and then we finish it off together. For me, I like to sit on the floor when I'm in the studio (laughs). Like I'm [an] on-the-floor-rolling-around-on-the-carpet type of girl, and [I'm] playing my guitar and just playing anything until I get inspired - starting there, for me.
I normally start with my guitar, lyrics flow and then we finish out the song together. Or maybe it varies where Chloe makes a really cool beat and we kind of build up from there and finish up the song. It's never an exact way. It's never a formula and that's what keeps it so exciting because that's the creative process. It's fun to be different and it's fun to not to do the same thing every single time. I really respect that my sister and I have two completely different creative processes because when it comes together, it's really nice.
And, what would you say is your favorite part about producing your music?
Chloe: My favorite part is that we have complete creative control and I also love having this moment when you listen back and realize what you've created from absolutely nothing. That's always a great feeling when you know it's good and not like, bad (laughs).
You two say in nearly every interview I’ve ever seen that personally you two are complete opposites. I need to know how and what do you two love about each other?
Halle: I'm an Aries and a very fiery type of person, very passionate. If I feel some type of way about something, I'm the first one to say it and to scream it and to get it out. My beautiful sister is a Cancer; she's more sensitive and when it comes to her communication style, she is a bit calm in a way. Like if we're discussing something business-related or not seeing eye-to-eye about something, she's kind of the one to walk away or hold her tongue, but me, I'm kind of the opposite. What I love about my sister is that we learn from each other, you know? I learned from her to embrace more of my sensitive side and to open myself up a bit more, and I think she has had to kind of speak up for herself and not let people walk over her in a way.
Chloe: Yes! (laughs)
Halle: We kind of learn from each other in that way and that's cool.
And Chloe, what do you love about Halle?
Chloe: I love how she knows what she wants. She'll never really take 'no' for an answer. She's so headstrong and when she puts her mind to something, she can make it happen. That's what I love about her and that's really inspiring to me, and I forget that she's my little sister constantly. She's so mature, so wise and I don't know what I'd do without her so God knew what He was doing when He put us together.

Photo Credit: Robin Harper
How do you two manage your sisterhood and your business relationship? Is there a fine line between the two relationships or can you not have one without the other?
Chloe: You know, I feel like it's really all we know. We make it work so well because we have a balance, like we're each other's best friends. Even before we create the music, we're always just laughing about situations or things the other one is dealing with. When it comes to making the music, we're just baring our souls and that's a way that we express ourselves - not only individually, but together - and it's therapeutic for us. Because we know each other so well, it makes it that much easier. In terms of the business standpoint, we don't have to sugarcoat anything with each other, we don't have to walk around the bush, we can be honest and upfront and I think it's the best product, you know, and I truly feel like we bring out the best in each other.
So much of who you are is rooted in your identity as Chloe x Halle, however it’s extremely obvious you two are individuals within your own unit. How do you embrace your individuality while being a duo?
Halle: I would say I embrace my individuality by just taking little moments to myself. I mean, my sister and I are really great at respecting each other's space when it comes to doing press all day together and at the end of the day being tired and just separately going our own way in our room. I kind of meditate and pray just to center myself or have a spa night to reset myself. But the most exciting thing is always going back to my sister. I mean, that's my best friend. At the end of the day, I am the little sister so I'm kind of the one who wants to be around her all the time, but at the same time, it's a beautiful thing to have your own identity and really have somebody who respects that and supports that and will lift you up in every single way. That's just natural and very easy for us.
And, Chloe? How do you embrace your individuality?
Chloe: Because we are individuals, naturally, it's easy. We just have to be ourselves. It's not really hard to try to be someone I'm not because that's really impossible for me (laughs). We're naturally two completely different beings, so I'm just myself. I love the water; I love working out because I overthink so much and the pain on my legs and arms, I'm thinking about that instead of everyday life (laughs), so that helps me, too. I love praying - that always helps center me because I'm learning that I can't control everything in my life and I'm learning to be OK with that. I love how we are two completely different individuals, especially with our music, too. Even our tones; a lot of times [with] siblings, their tones will sound similar, but I think because we both were inspired by completely different types of music, that definitely was an influence on our tone.
Speaking of music, your latest project was very grown and sexy in comparison to your other music. From your first project, 'The Two of Us', to your recent 'Ungodly Hour', how have you two grown as artists and how is 'Ungodly Hour' a reflection of that?
Halle: I feel like we truly have grown as artists in every way very naturally. I'm 20 now and my sister's about to be 22 in two weeks. It's easy to make music that reflects the times going on in your life. When people are like, "Oh, it's so grown," or "It's so different from what we've heard from you," it's like, yes, of course because we're growing as individuals. Every single day, there's an evolutions that's going on. We're experiencing more things. We're learning to love ourselves. We're embracing our insecurities and we're putting that all into the music. So, of course it's gonna be a bit more evolved than three years ago with our debut album, The Kids Are Alright, because for that album, we were kids. In a way, as we're becoming women, we have been documenting that into this album Ungodly Hour, which is just a story of us finding ourselves while also kind of knowing who we are and navigating our life through love, relationships and figuring out what we want and what we don't want in life and taking our power back. That's definitely a natural evolution that happened for us just because of us growing.
"In a way, as we're becoming women, we have been documenting that into this album Ungodly Hour, which is just a story of us finding ourselves while also kind of knowing who we are and navigating our life through love, relationships and figuring out what we want and what we don't want in life and taking our power back. That's definitely a natural evolution that happened for us just because of us growing."

Courtesy of the artists
When I think of the term “ungodly hour”, I think of a young man hitting me up way past my bedtime or my mom waking me up wicked early. How did you two come up with the title of the album?
Chloe: I love how the title can mean a variety of things. For us and how we were inspired, we were in this session with Disclosure and I had a phrase written in my notes, "ungodly hour", and me, Halle and the two brothers of Disclosure were like, "What can we say with this phrase?" We came up with "love me in the ungodly hour", which means love me when I'm not at my best, when I can't stay still, when my mind is going crazy and filled with insecurities, and love me when I'm the most vulnerable. So, we felt that that phrase really meant - well, really what the whole album was about. We're baring our full souls and you're not just seeing perfect angel version[s] of us; you're seeing multi-layered women. You're hearing what we're going through: heartbreak, love, learning to embrace our flaws. You hear all of that in the music and we're truly saying to the world, "love us at our ungodly hour," and that's what that title means to us.
As the album touches on more grown themes like sex and love, and really the duality of sexuality and femininity as women, do you two ever find time to date or explore romance? Do you two help each other with your love lives?
Chloe: Oh, we definitely make time because we're human beings. I feel like humans thrive off of human touch and human experience, and that's what is helping fuel the creativity and help write these songs when we go through these things. If we didn't really experience it firsthand, I don't think we'd be able to write lyrics as raw as we did because we actually were going through these things, so it felt so much more real and everyone who has one through heartbreak or love like we have, they can relate too because love is a common thing.
Even when you're with someone, it may feel so special and it's like the only thing is the world is just you two, but it's an entire world and we all have the same feelings and I'm glad that people are saying these songs reflect what they've gone through. So, definitely we make and find time - it's hard because we're working so hard and business always comes first, but whenever we have those little off-days, yeah (laughs).
How are you each putting your mental health first when it comes to creation and production of new music amidst everything that’s happening within the Black community culturally and politically?
Halle: For me, I'm honestly taking it day-by-day. I'm taking social media breaks when needed because as a Black person, it's traumatizing seeing your family get killed every single day. Sometimes I just need to step away. In terms of music, that has always been, and still is, therapy for me so when it comes to being creative during this time, we can [be a] vessel and put all of the pain into the words of your writing and singing. It just gets it out of our systems and it allows us to feel lighter and freer through all of this together. I definitely can say I've just been putting my head down, prayer, meditation, stepping away from social media when I need to and holding the ones that I love so much.
Chloe: Definitely music has been therapy and just immersing myself in that has always been therapeutic for me, and also prayer.
Right now, unfortunately we’re in a time where a lot of what’s going on in the Black community is being brought to light and you two have taken to your platforms to sing “Life Every Voice” and “We Shall Overcome”. You even pushed back the delivery date of your album. How’re you doing right now and how are you using your platform to raise awareness?
Halle: Right now, we're doing much better than we were a few weeks ago when everything kind of felt like it was piling on the world. Every time we see something like what happened to George Floyd, it's just so devastating. You get this horrible feeling in your stomach and for me, I think of my baby brother. I think of my father because it could've been them. [George Floyd] could've been our uncle. It's a terrible thing that's been happening in our community, to our people for a very long time and people are just now seeing it, or just now wanting to pay attention to it. All I can do right now, my job, is to lift people up with my voice and to stand up for what I believe in and to stand up for what's right, which is getting justice for all of our beautiful brothers and sisters who have lost their lives to senseless police brutality. That is our number one goal as this generation.
We are so proud to be part of this generation because we're not afraid to speak up, we're not afraid to yell and to demand justice. We want to be a part of that and do everything that we can. The reason why we pushed back our album was because in our souls, it did not feel right to release that during that moment and we wanted to shine the light on George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and all of the others who need justice. That's why we decided to drop it a week later because at the end of the day, music is a healer and has always been healing our community for so many years ever since this has been happening to us. We have used music to heal us, so we only hope that this album has done that and eased the pain for some of us and helped us.
For more of Chloe x Halle, follow them on Instagram. Ungodly Hour is out now.
Featured image courtesy of the artists
This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
'Constant Reassurance' Is The Relational Orange Flag No One Wants To Address
Read more than scroll. Boy, if there is a motto that I would encourage people to implement, now more than ever in their life, it would be how important it is to read (actual books, researched data and fact-based information) over merely scrolling via social media. Because boy — every time I look out on apps to see what folks are talking about, I don’t know if I’m impressed with or appalled by how many nothing-more-than-emotionalized opinions are so boldly stated when, after five minutes on Google, it’s clear that there are virtually zero facts to back them up.
Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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