For the past few years, I've been on a self-motivational kick complete with vision boards, daily affirmations, and books by everyone from Joel Osteen to Steve Harvey that focus on achieving your goals and balancing your life. The one idea that everyone seems to have in common is that if you change your circle, you change your life. You may have heard this concept in the forms of, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with," or even the tried and true, “It's not what you know, it's who you know."
It's an idea that has made me look at my network for some time now. I don't think you should choose friends or even associates based on what they can do for you, but the truth is:
Success attracts Success.
If the highlights of most of your friends' lives are binging on Breaking Bad and Love & Hip Hop episodes all day and arguing in the comment sections of celebs on Instagram, they're probably not going to be the missing piece in your dream to open that gluten-free yogurt stand.
My point is that even if your friends can't score you a meeting with the fro-yo king of your hometown, they should at least motivate you. And there's a good chance they aren't doing that if you're too busy saving them from their own problems. “Savior Syndrome" happens to the best of us, and there's a chance you've had at least one relationship that had you strapping up your cape and running towards the bat signal.
Are you the always the one your friends run to when they need a loan, a co-signer, or someone to talk them off the ledge when they catch their man cheating…repeatedly? Do you always date men who are unemployed, drink or smoke too much, and have a gang of baby mama drama? Or maybe you're the “Mary Jane" of your family who is paying your niece's tuition because her mom refuses to work while making sure your mom takes her insulin throughout your work day. If so, you, my friend, might have a slight case of savior syndrome.
Savior syndrome is when a person becomes defined by helping people and saving the day. Everyone has a friend or relative that's just a tad bit needy and makes you feel like the world would fall apart if it wasn't for your divine presence in their lives. Savior syndrome is not only damaging to yourself, it's harmful to those around you.
And here are several reasons why:
1. While you're boosting your own self-esteem, you're crushing everyone else's.
Are you sure you friends are even asking for help? There was a point in my own life where I tried to be everyone's personal Olivia Pope and before they could even finish telling me about their problems, I was already fixing them. One day, a close friend told me, “You know, you don't always have to solve my problems. Sometimes I just need to vent." It was then that I realized firing up my Iron Man suit as soon as my friends faced an obstacle sent a message that I didn't think they were equipped to handle their own problems. Before you go Baywatch-running down the beach, make sure your friends actually need (and want) to be saved.
2. You may be purposely surrounding yourself by people whom you feel you're “better than."
Without over-thinking it, take a moment to consider this: Are your friends your friends because you truly celebrate who they are and enjoy their company, or do you keep them around because they make your life look better by default? It's something most women aren't willing to admit, but we all have that one friend whose life should be a part of VH1's reality show line up. It's filled with pregnancy scares and fighting in the club and probably makes your life seem like a spa retreat in comparison. The problem with purposely surrounding yourself with people whose recurring problems make it seem like you're “winning" at life is that it sets the bar low on your own goals and makes “charity cases" out of people that are supposed to be your friends.
3. You're making your circle even more dependent.
“Give a man a fish…" you know the rest. If you're constantly co-signing, paying people's bills, and cursing out their trifling men, you never give your friends an incentive to improve themselves. If this is the case, you're not really saving anyone, you're just enabling poor decision-making. If left unchecked, you may begin to build resentment or feel taken advantage of, but the truth is, no one can do anything to you that you don't allow.
4. You might be running from your own problems.
When some people feel powerless in their own lives, they may start a habit of feeling powerful in the lives of their friends and family. I learned a long time ago that you can't help anyone else unless you're on your A-game. Make sure you aren't using your mission for improvement in other's lives as a distraction for issues in your own life that you don't want to deal with.
[Tweet "You can't help anyone else unless you're on your A-game."]
Healthy relationships are about support and a true belief in the potential of those you care for. It's OK to be dependable and have moments where you feel like you have your ish together enough to uplift someone else, but savior syndrome will only leave you drained and purposeless when there is no one around who needs saving. It's important that motivation and support flow both ways in any relationship. The “S" on your chest shouldn't be the only motivating factor in your friendships. Besides, capes are soooo last season.
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
