5 Signs It's Time To End Your Friends With Benefits Relationship
Maybe it started off as just a friendship and, from there, sex got involved. Perhaps sex was the starting point and a friendship was built. There may have not even been sex involved at all. Maybe there was a friendship with sexual or emotional tension so thick that it could cut through ice.
Friends with benefit situations are extremely hard to escape from with both parties being completely unscathed. At some point or another, one of those two people are going to get their feelings hurt. If your friends with benefits situation has been holding on by a thread, it may just be time to cut him and yourself loose before things become even more complicated.
Here are 5 of the most common signs that it's time let the comforts of your Netflix and chill FWB go.
1.The Respect Is Gone
No relationship can be successful without respect. If you find yourself constantly trying to leverage with him to give you the bare minimum amount of respect you deserve, you no longer feel fulfilled in your friendship, or your closest girlfriends have pointed out on a number of occasions of how disrespectful he is towards you, the respect is definitely gone.
There is no point in sticking around trying to convince him why he should respect you. You know how you deserve to be treated and it's probably how you have continued to treat him regardless of his recent disrespectful streak.
The best way to gain your respect back is by showing him how much you respect yourself and gracefully bowing out. Perhaps in the future, a friendship can continue, but staying to try to convince someone you are worth respect is counterproductive to gaining the respect you deserve.
2.He's Moved On
Eventually, you both knew one or both of you would meet someone and eventually get into serious relationships. Maybe deep down inside, you hoped that special someone would be you, but things didn't exactly go that way. He might have sprung it on you out of nowhere or your investigation skills may have come into play and you figured it out on your own. Regardless of how you found out, you know now that you are no longer his number one.
I remember a situationship I was in, where I told the guy I was seeing, the moment I was no longer the one he wanted to share his memories with was the moment I would no longer be interested in carrying on the type of friendship I had with him. I knew my limits. I knew what I was comfortable with and I have never been comfortable not being the only one. As a woman, as hard as it can be to see the person you've been sharing your time, emotions, and possibly even body with has chosen someone else other than you, trying to convince him to stay, or worse, competing with another woman always ends badly.
If he wanted to be with you, he would have made that clear, and choosing to be with another woman says the exact opposite. Remember the beautiful memories you created together but don't stay in that place of regret or trying to fight for something that was never yours to begin with.
3.It's No Longer Fun
When you first became friends, things were fun! You saw each other when you wanted to, every moment with him was intense. It didn't matter what you were doing together, you knew you were going to have an amazing time. If you find yourself questioning why are you even still dealing with him, if he's not treating you how he did in the beginning or even middle, or if he seems uninterested in carrying on the friendship - why stress yourself out trying to make it work?
As a friend, it's always a good idea to find out if everything in his life is going okay. It could be stress or a slew of other problems bothering him, but if you feel it in your heart of hearts that it's something deeper and directly related to him no longer being interested in your friendship, bowing out may be the best bet, especially if he's man enough to be upfront with you.
4.You're In Too Deep
The slightest disagreement with him sends your emotions overboard. You find yourself checking all of his social media accounts to see what other women he's checking for or who is checking for him. The last time at his house, it took everything in you not to use his thumb to unlock his phone while he was sleeping. You ask him about other women, he laughs it off. You tell him how you've been feeling lately, he laughs that off as well
The mere thought of him no longer being in your life is enough to drive you to tears. The reality of friends with benefits type situations is that there is absolutely no commitment and that is both what attracts people and is usually the cause of their demise as well.
If it's clear his feelings are nowhere as deep as yours and you are driving yourself crazy trying to figure out why not, it's time to move on. You can't force a person to love you or share the feelings you do. You can't sex someone, feed someone, friend someone, or love someone into loving you. As harsh as it sounds, and as much as fuckboys say it, you knew what you signed up for. You can't get mad at him for not gaining the feelings that you did. In this case, it's best to let it go and realize that a friends with benefits situation is not something that you are truly seeking in a man. You want a relationship and that is fine, it just wont be with this guy at this time.
5.He Wants More And You Don't
Maybe your friendship is based on him being the shoulder you cry on. He's your stability. He is the guy you can call at 2 a.m. to come fix your tire, but he's not boyfriend, zaddy, or husband material. Maybe your physical relationship is amazing, but you can't bring him to meet the parents nor would you ever want to. You know all the reasons why he will never be the man for you, but you like how things are going and he does too, right? Wrong!
You probably knew from the beginning that his feelings were deeper than yours, or perhaps lately he's been way more emotional than usual and he's not letting up on calling you his "girl" no matter how many times you've asked him not to. Just like women, men can catch feelings just as easily and fall just as hard. If you know that you would never want to be in a relationship with him, but he wont let up on the subject you have to end the benefits of the friendship, understand that means no more calling him with your emergencies in the middle of the night, no more sex, no more doing all of the relationship things that have aided in making him fall for you. To continue with the benefits aspect is not only confusing, it's cruel.
If you know you have no intentions in being with this man, stop making him believe he has a chance with you and torturing him even more. Moving on from the situation may be difficult because he has been your saving grace in more than a few occasions but you know it's only hurting him the more you continue with your friendship.
At the end of the day, friends with benefit situations can be doable for people that are ready and willing to handle the highs and the lows that can definitely come with sharing your heart, bed, or food with no strings. Yes, food too! Ya'll know a man can get attached once he's tasted your grandma's famous macaroni and cheese recipe, greens, and hot water cornbread. I digress. It's better to cut ties than to draw out the inevitable and create a blood bath of emotions.
Let it go now and save the friendship, or continue to hold on to a dead situation that can result in the end of a once beautiful friendship.
Love and light.
Featured image via Giphy
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Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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