In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
Vashtie Kola is more than just the badass who wore a durag to match her wedding dress at her City Hall-style wedding. She is a cultural icon and one of the most well-respected tastemakers in the industry. Vashtie has been shaking up the New York City nightlife scene for over a decade as a DJ, music video director, designer and creative consultant. Her most iconic music video directions and creative consulting clients include Solange, Justin Bieber, Kendrick Lamar and Jadakiss - talk about receipts! However, with the welcoming of her new baby, self-care is definitely on the top of her list while balancing motherhood, work and marriage.
Since COVID-19, her self-care routine has definitely rocked, but when you add a baby into the mix, it's certainly something that needs to be prioritized. Vashtie credits the pandemic to her being able to spend time with herself. "I cleared up my years of hyperpigmentation and read six books in the past few months and I'm not a reader!" she joked to xoNecole.
Courtesy of Vashtie Kola
Throughout it all, Vashtie even had time to secure the bag with a brand ambassadorship Dallas-based jewelry brand, Piercing Pagoda alongside Kat Graham and Blair Imani for the #BeMoreYou campaign. "#BeMoreYou speaks to being your most authentic self. It's about being true in your self-expression, but also your needs. Self-care is about healthily satisfying one's needs. They are inextricably connected," the Vashtie.com founder expressed. "If my teenage self knew that I'd be working with Piercing Pagoda one day, I'm sure she never would have believed it. It's fascinating and such an honor."
For this installment of "Finding Balance", xoNecole caught up with creative director, Violette New York designer and DJ Vashtie Kola about life with her new baby, how her day-to-day differs with the pandemic and relying on fellow creatives for more inspiration.
xoNecole: Let's talk about 2020 and how it has been such a pivotal year for you: You had a baby and got married. Congratulations! How did you make space for those things you wanted in your personal life over the last four years?
Vashtie Kola: I spent a lot of time on inner work. I dedicated the last six years in therapy and meditation. I also read a lot of self-help type books and learned a lot about myself. I didn't want to continue leaning on my childhood traumas as an excuse for my adulthood issues. As a believer in Law of Attraction, I didn't want to live in a broken state and attract a broken partner. I knew that the only way to having a healthy and whole partner was if that's who I was.
"As a believer in Law of Attraction, I didn't want to live in a broken state and attract a broken partner. I knew that the only way to having a healthy and whole partner was if that's who I was."
Looking back on what your life was like in 2016, you were around 35. Most women go through a huge shift during this time. What was your vision for 2020 Vashtie back then? Was motherhood and marriage something you were working towards and saw for yourself?
My shift was maybe a bit backwards compared to the women I know. Around 2014, I had just gotten out of an eight-year relationship and found myself single for the first time since I was 15. I spent a lot of that time focused on my career without having to balance it with a partner, which helped catapult my career. It was actually a quite powerful and positive time for me, having spent the years prior focused mainly on my partnerships and for the first time I was able to focus on me. As a monogamist, long-term [and] life-long commitment was always important to me, but marriage wasn't a need of mine. I had considered it, but it wasn't until I started a relationship with my husband that I really desired it. Having children, however, was always in my mind and heart. I always knew I wanted to be a mother and am thankful that I was able to.
Some people fear that they will lose themselves in a relationship or marriage, how have you been able to find balance within that role and tend to your partners needs as well as your needs while also still rocking it in your career?
Self-care is crucial for yourself and your relationships. It's like the airplane safety announcement as you take off on a plane where they say if your airmask drops that you have to put yours on before putting it on a child. It used to confuse me why you wouldn't put the airmask on the child first, and then it clicked. How can you help anyone if you're not at a healthy place to help yourself? You have to meet your own emotional needs first.
In the last few years of my personal journey, I've also learned that you're not responsible for other people's feelings and they are not responsible for yours, meaning you can't "make" others happy and it's no one's role to "make" you happy. You are the sole person responsible for your feelings and maintaining your balance is critical for your life and relationships. Having a partner that understands that is also helpful, otherwise you can get caught up in trying to make them happy while trying to make yourself happy which doesn't bode well for the long-term.
Of course, tending to your relationships is important and while putting your emotional needs first is crucial - it's key to know when to prioritize. My husband and I have been doing pretty well with it so far, especially with a newborn. Some days when I can see that he really needs a break and I'm tired also, I take some duties off his plate so he can relax - and vice versa. It's truly a balancing act!
"As a monogamist, long-term [and] life-long commitment was always important to me, but marriage wasn't a need of mine. I had considered it, but it wasn't until I started a relationship with my husband that I really desired it."
What was your perspective of marriage and motherhood before you actually became a mom and wife, and has it changed?
My perspective of marriage was that the ones that "seemed" - I say that in quotations because you never truly know - successful always managed to keep an element of romance and mystery. Now in marriage, we do our best with a newborn to keep it romantic and fun. I also think it's important not to get lost in the title of "wife" or "husband" because I think there are too many predetermined expectations that arise when using those terms. I like the idea of continuing to think of my husband as my best friend first. As far as my perspective of motherhood, I always knew it would be full of challenges, but in the back of my mind I always had this silly idea that it would be easier for me - not the case (laughs). I watched tons of YouTube videos, read books and researched blogs but nothing can prepare you for what your child needs.
At what point in your life did you understand the importance of pressing pause and finding balance in both your personal and professional life?
In 2016, I had a bit of a breakdown. I was working around the clock; photoshoots and meetings by day and DJing late nights. From the outside, I'm sure I looked [like I was] on top of the word but I was falling apart emotionally. That's when I learned Transcendental Meditation and went into Core Energetics therapy. I realized that not every job or opportunity is worth it if your sense of self is unraveling. It's so important to have the balance.
What is a typical day in your life? If no day is quite the same, give me a rundown of a typical workweek and what that might consist of.
Well, it was much different pre-COVID. A typical day is spent with my baby, having a photoshoot and doing work on my computer [or] iPhone. If I'm not researching designs or creative concepting a project, I'm taking photos or prepping social media content for brands. Sometimes I'm DJing a set from home or doing an Instagram live interview.
How has your self-care routine adjusted since the birth of your baby?
(Laughs) Self-care with a newborn is as basic as a shower, if I can get to it. Or eating a meal with two hands as opposed to shoveling food in my mouth with one hand and the baby in the other.
When you have a busy week, what’s the most hectic part of it?
Honestly, I think it's my interpretation. I've learned that our words and thoughts play a major role in how we experience things. By changing the phrase of "I've had a hard week" to "I've had a challenging week" changes the feeling from being powerless to being empowered. Also, the re-telling of the "hardships" of the week or complaining about it makes it worse, as if you relive it when you tell it or talk about it. I'm learning now to just chalk it up to an experience and move forward.
"I've learned that our words and thoughts play a major role in how we experience things. By changing the phrase of 'I've had a hard week' to 'I've had a challenging week' changes the feeling from being powerless to being empowered."
Courtesy of Vashtie Kola
Do you practice any types of self-care? What does that look like for you?
Morning meditation, listening to inspirational speakers, reading books that improve self. I'm also working on listening to my emotions and learning to decipher what they are versus pacifying myself with things (shopping, eating, distractions, etc).
When you are going through a bout of uncertainty, or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
Asking fellow creative friends from my trusted circle helps. I like it when people can talk to me in a straightforward manner, but also people who understand the dilemma and have been there. My husband and friends are a really great source, but also sometimes I vent on Instagram stories and people reply with understanding words or helpful advice.
"I also think it's important not to get lost in the title of 'wife' or 'husband' because I think there are too many predetermined expectations that arise when using those terms. I like the idea of continuing to think of my husband as my best friend first."
Courtesy of Vashtie Kola
Honestly, what does success and happiness mean to you?
It's doing the work I love, being present for the people in my life, taking time for myself and bringing the best me I can be for me but also for my family and friends.
For more Vashtie Kola, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image courtesy of Vashtie Kola
RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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Featured image by PeopleImages/Shutterstock