We Talked To Over 20 Guys About The Things They Like In Bed But Won’t Ask For
Let's keep it all the way real here. Men love sex. Women love sex. Those are just the facts. But what's often up for debate is exactly how each group would REALLY prefer to enjoy it. And I'm not just talking about favorite positions and foreplay. No, I'm talking about those deep innermost thoughts that we all secretly have but rarely ever voice. You know, the ones that would make all our mommas and grandmamas clutch their pearls if word ever got out. The ones that might make our friends look at us a little differently at brunch. And the ones that ALSO might make our significant other step up their game in bed if expressed.
So, it was in that spirit that I decided to take to the streets (not really because, 'Rona) and get a firsthand account of some of the things men like in bed but don't always ask for. And boy, did they NOT hold back. From butt play to role play and everything in between--nothing was off limits for these guys and the things they like but won't ask for. And I do mean, nothing. You might want to keep your pearls handy and pour up a drink for this one. Don't say I didn't warn you.
*Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect the freaky.
The Things Guys Like In Bed But Won't Ask For
For some guys, there was hardly anything they couldn’t ask for in bed…
Zach, 26
"Honestly, we are extremely open sexually and make sure to give reviews often. We've done some weird stuff already before so it's not many things I couldn't bring up."
Cortney, 27
"Usually I ask if it's something not being reciprocated. I feel like in the bedroom, when it comes to sex--it's a connection both partners have. In my case, I'm never apprehensive because most times it's clear, if that makes sense."
James, 27
"Everything I'm interested in, my partner is fine doing it. But I guess it's not fair that I never really asked for anything, it just happened over time."
Anthony, 26
"I'm personally kind of vocal in the things I like to participate in, so really I'm asking for whatever (laughs). I will say I haven't reached the pinnacle of 'freakiness', so my palette is honestly easy to ask for when wanted. In my past/current experiences, as I get older, there will be things I might like to try and explore. But hopefully, I'll have chosen an open enough partner who doesn't make me feel like what I'm asking for is out of the question."
Chris W*, 29
"Honestly, I am apprehensive about asking for things. My upbringing contributed heavily to never being a man to ask anything from anyone, especially my lady. I desire for us to be less structured and more experimental. Not in a sense of bringing other people in or anything, but just in getting lost within each other sexually."
"I will say I haven't reached the pinnacle of 'freakiness', so my palette is honestly easy to ask for when wanted. In my past/current experiences, as I get older, there will be things I might like to try and explore. But hopefully, I'll have chosen an open enough partner who doesn't make me feel like what I'm asking for is out of the question."
For other guys, what they won't ask for in bed is butt play…
TJ, 37
"[I want] my butthole to be touched. I don't want it penetrated but when I'm getting head, I like it touched. If I'm with a person that is not as open-minded or a person that I think will tease me for something we did, that makes me uncomfortable. Like a woman: the more comfortable I am, the freakier I am."
Dave, 36
"I like my butt being played with. My partner has done it before and was actually the one who introduced me to it, but then she goes to say that she's worried that I'll realize I'm actually gay. So, I never ask for it and just hope she chooses to each time."
Robert, 35
"I want my anus ate. It's not an easy topic to discuss or bring up, especially when you've not hinted at it before. Sometimes I want a freebie. That's a jump and nut. Not because I don't care about her pleasure, but because the week was long and I just need to get it out. Also, screw me like you got competition and if you know you ain't fresh, freshen up. And if you know there's another woman that's a fantasy of mine, be her for a night. I'd appreciate you more sexually."
For some, oral sex was the thing…
Marlon, 28
"I like it when my girl takes the initiative when it comes to giving head. I like a girl who enjoys sucking dick and doesn't wait for me to ask for it. I don't have a problem asking, but the energy is different (and better for me) when she just pulls it out and does her thing. I'm not necessarily apprehensive but it's not the same feel if I ask for it. [It] takes the spontaneity out of it."
Ed, 25
"I like oral sex but I wouldn't expect it every time. Because sometimes giving head is what a man wants versus what a woman wants. And if I can't give her what she wants, then I don't feel comfortable asking for it."
Chris R*, 26
"Oral sex is something I like to give and receive. However, it becomes an issue when the female doesn't like giving and only wants to receive. It also plays into my philosophy of relationships. I believe both parties should be doing whatever they can to please the other person. This is more of a martial concept, of course. But that's what creates harmony in the relationship. When both are willing to step slightly outside of their comfort zone to please each other, it creates satisfaction for both sides. It's one of those things I shouldn't have to ask for (in my opinion). I don't want her to think I feel entitled to it. But in all honesty, since we both are Christians, we shouldn't be doing it at all before marriage anyways so that also becomes an issue of guilt."
"I believe both parties should be doing whatever they can to please the other person. This is more of a martial concept, of course. But that's what creates harmony in the relationship. When both are willing to step slightly outside of their comfort zone to please each other, it creates satisfaction for both sides."
And for others, it was a bit of everything...
Reggie*, 33
"We've discussed the standard things: threesome--open to before the pandemic; she wants to watch me with another woman, [but there's the] same dilemma. In that, there's a little bit of a cheating fantasy, I think, but I don't even know where or how to bring that up. Also, I'm really into--there's no politically correct term I know for this--tit-f*cking. But my girlfriend isn't endowed in that way. We've tried, but it didn't work. So, I'm always nervous bringing it back up. Another visual thing I'm into, but it would have to wait for post-pandemic, is a double blowjob. Selfish to some degree, but in addition to the visual, I'm curious about how it actually feels. If there's anything that I'm more interested in that I don't know how to bring up again, it's being in an open relationship."
Keith, 32
"I really enjoy a level of role-playing, but not full-on acting out different characters. But more so, unwavering focus to be as nasty as you want. That means someone who takes charge and talks dirty and just makes sex feel like an event. I don't ever want them to feel as if they're less than what I want or that I'm being demanding."
AK, 32
"Oh, I know one, sleeping in the bed alone. [Were] you ever in a relationship and just want the bed to yourself for no reason? I wouldn't be able to say it out loud. But I guess anything that I think would make her look at me differently or make her feel like she was just a prop for the sole sake of my pleasure. I think culture has conditioned us as males, especially straight black males, to feel like sex is performative and mainly for our pleasure as a reward of being like the realest n*gga or getting a girl to let you have sex with her. From rap songs to porn, it's easy to take that mentality into the bedroom and assume that's the goal of sex. And as a guy, if you not careful, you can catch yourself slipping into that headspace instead of like, a collaborative, serve each other mindset that is mutually beneficial."
"I think culture has conditioned us as males, especially straight black males, to feel like sex is performative and mainly for our pleasure as a reward of being like the realest n*gga or getting a girl to let you have sex with her. From rap songs to porn, it's easy to take that mentality into the bedroom and assume that's the goal of sex. And as a guy, if you not careful, you can catch yourself slipping into that headspace instead of like, a collaborative, serve each other mindset that is mutually beneficial."
Julian, 28
"To be honest, there isn't much I wouldn't ask for that he wouldn't do because I'm very straightforward and transparent and he enjoys it! I think the things I would ask for, would be sex in public places other than a damn car, where the thrill of getting caught plays into us getting off! I would like to be tied up to a swing, gagged, spanked and a light beating with oil before sex. And it needs to be good aggressive sex, like biting and scratching pinned down, talking shit and maybe even a little spit in my mouth here and there. Choke me while you f*ck me and I'm on poppers so the head high and orgasm are amazing. I love soft passionate lovemaking, but sometimes I need that hard pressure and aggression."
Shannon, 27
"I've never really given it any thought but now that I think about it whenever I'm giving backshots, the sights are wonderful. Sometimes I'm like, 'I wonder what this hole would feel like instead' and as quick as the thought pops up, I'm like, 'Nah, she's probably not into that, TF is wrong with me?' But truthfully, for my life partner, whoever she may be, if I could learn all of the ways to bring her pleasure, why wouldn't I?"
GDT, 30
"In real life, in most scenarios, I am the leader and/or in some form of control. I want to be able to sit back and enjoy this session. Feel free to take complete control. Also, tease me. I like to work for it up until the point of your last piece of clothing comes off. As bad as you want it, make me think I'm working for it even in that moment. That's sure to get you more than one round. Be spontaneous! Let's have sex in the car, on a hiking trail, the kitchen counter, inside the resturant bathroom. Let's try some things.
"Be nasty. Let me slut you out! Sounds bad, but if I'm the only person enjoying you and vice versa, swallow me literally and figuratively. And lastly, initiate more often: I love sex, Men love sex. We don't want to have to ask for it or feel like we're pressuring you. Just come home and do what needs to be done (laughs). I'm a professional, always, so sounding rude or overly pressuring someone I love and/or sexually active with is not the goal. Also, I understand the daily disrespect and hard days Black women have (and I'm only interested in Black women--no love lost for others pursuing differently) so I'm not trying to seem abusive by my request."
"Be nasty. Let me slut you out! Sounds bad, but if I'm the only person enjoying you and vice versa, swallow me literally and figuratively. And lastly, initiate more often: I love sex, Men love sex. We don't want to have to ask for it or feel like we're pressuring you."
Jay*, 30
"I started watching porn really early, at like 10. I'm almost thirty now so, as the years passed, regular porn wasn't enough for me. I started to watch more BDSM, trans, cuckold, humiliation, femdom stuff because of the shock value and it excited me. One thing I struggle with is defining what I just like to watch and what I actually want to try. A few things I have yet to tell my wife about is my desire to be degraded. Like while we're having sex, I want her to laugh at my size, call my penis small, make fun of me. Along with this, I want her to communicate how worthless my dick is and tell me to bend over so she can peg me. I'd actually love to do all of these things in front of our friends. I really want to go to an adult lifestyle club and have sex in a room full of strangers and watch others."
Arin*, 28
"Hmmmm. That's a good question. I would have to say that I feel like confidence is the most important thing that I can't really ask for. I feel like confidence leads to a lot. And plus, there is little better than a beautiful woman who knows she's beautiful."
Aaron, 33
"I like my nip-nips sucked up on and licked, damnit. I had a girlfriend that used to do that shit and it was tight. But it's hella weird being a grown ass man asking for it still. To be honest, I think guys' bodies are just as sensitive to touch as the ladies'. Getting kissed all over would be tight in general, maybe it's just me."
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Writer. Empath. Escapist. Young, gifted, and Black. Shanelle Genai is a proud Southern girl in a serious relationship with celebrity interviews, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and long walks down Sephora aisles. Keep up with her on IG @shanellegenai.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images