On the first day of March 2016, The Broadmoor resort looked something like a church gathering. Praise and worship songs bellowed from the speakers of the International Center, hands were raised in silent submission, and you may have even spotted a tear or two rolling down a few puffed cheeks. But this wasn’t your typical group of churchgoers—this was a gathering of over 150 NFL players, their wives, and fiancées coming together to draw closer to God.
And no, most media outlets didn’t cover this.
Partially because much of what you read regarding the league involves some sort of scandal or domestic disturbance, maybe a community service project or two thrown in for good measure, and also because it’s a safe haven for the team players to ditch the press and autograph requests and talk about the pressures that only those regularly in the spotlight could understand. It's partially why the Pro Athletes Outreach (PAO) organization was created—to bring together pro athletes and couples to grow in their walk with Jesus, and also positively impact their spheres of influence on and off the field. The annual PAO conference is an extension of that ministry, bringing single and married pros and their spouses or fianceés together for a few days in order to deepen that relationship with Jesus.
The conference may be less publicized, but it was exactly what Terence “TJ” Barnes, defensive tackle for the Buffalo Bills, and his wife Charli needed to continue building a firm foundation for their marriage. “We wanted to really get back onto the track of Christ, and get back to getting our lives right because we were handling a lot of conflict the wrong way, and so we just saw the best opportunity to do it and basically have a restart button,” says TJ.
Terence "TJ" Barnes (Buffalo Bills) and Wife Charli Barnes
One thing that any married couple will attest to is that life after the wedding bells is a struggle. Coast past the honeymoon stage of any relationship, and you’ll find that the foundation is tested in all areas from faith to finances. Add to it the lights, cameras, and potential groupies—and the weight that comes with notoriety becomes a heavier load than anticipated. The PAO conference allows for real conversations to happen between the vets and the rookies, and serves as a support system where both the husbands and their wives can build on solid spiritual ground.
The conference took place across four days, with workshops, lunch sessions and sermons occurring throughout the course of the day. While there were many sessions that couples could attend individually, TJ and Charli went to most of their workshops together. “The workshops that they had focused on finances, your faith, and they had relationship ones. We just needed to go to those relationship ones. That is really what we were there for, but we just got so much more out of it than just focusing on our relationship,” says Charli, who admits that her and her husband were at odds when they arrived at the conference the first day.
Couples soaked up the words of Kim Anthony, a former gymnast and ESPN sports reporter and wife of Corwin Anthony, who spoke on finding your purpose and not focusing on the negativity of naysayers, and devoured the message of finding your identity in Christ, particularly for the women, like Charli, who set aside their own career aspirations in order to fully support their husband on and off the field.
“I know during season I was miserable to deal with because I had just come from graduating with my masters and thinking that I was going to go and start my career, and then we got married and I wasn’t going to go and start my career and live 800 plus miles away from my husband. So I struggled with that a lot, like who am I now? I don’t want to just be TJ’s wife. I want more than that. And she really touched on find who you are. Yes TJ’s wife is an amazing piece of me, but in Christ he has so much for me,” Charli said.
AJ Green (Cincinnati Bengals) and Wife, Miranda Brooke
During one session the men and women split up into small groups, which was helpful for both TJ and Charli as they had the chance to connect with others going through similar struggles. “In the NFL you feel like nobody is going through the same things you’re going through but here it’s just like fellowship, and you’re hearing different stories and different backgrounds and you’re like I’m not the only one who’s going through this,” says TJ.
Not only did they find comfort and reassurance in learning who they are in Christ, but many players and their wives decided to rededicate their lives through baptism. In a post from singer Miranda wife of AJ Green of the Cincinnati Bengals, she comments on how this is the way the NFL community holds each other accountable.
I just want to shed light because the media doesn't know much about THIS side of the NFL community. We are holding each other accountable and growing together in the name of Christ.
She added:
Getting baptized alongside my husband was one of the greatest moments that I've ever experienced. Tonight was special. God is REAL and he lives within us. We are ready for new beginnings! Thank you, #PAO
Jameis Winston and girlfriend Breion Allen
Tampa Bay Buccaneers' quarterback Jameis Winston and his girlfriend Breion Allen were also baptized during the retreat. Breion shared her experience on Instagram with the caption:
Last night I accepted Christ into my life for the first time. So thankful for this #PAO experience for helping me grow closer in my faith and to be around people trying to do the same.
While Charli knew about the baptisms beforehand, she said that her and TJ didn’t go with the intention of being baptized, but after hearing from pastors like Francis Chan, who stressed that walking in faith doesn’t come without the everyday struggles nor does it equate to having a perfect life, made Charli view her relationship with God in a whole new light. Aside from strengthening their spirituality, the couple said that one of the most significant things that they walked away with was renewed faith in their marriage and a better understanding of one another. “I got a better understanding of what my wife goes through and what it’s like to be in the shadows of a NFL player, and I got a better appreciation of the things that she does when I’m not at home because I used to think that she was watching Netflix and eating Bon Bons and stuff, but she’s actually working and taking care of the house and taking care of the things that I take for granted,” says TJ.
Charli adds that taking the time to hear her spouse’s perspective helped her to understand that there will be times when he comes home tired after a hard day of practice, and that means not hitting him with a list of things to do as soon as he steps in the door. Hearing from couples who’ve successfully navigated the waters of conflict resolution helped them to see the changes that they could make within their own marriage.
“Kurt Warner and his wife were there, and it helped having couples there who are telling you ‘this is what we went through and this is how we overcame it.’ But you still see the back and forth that they had. Like they were still up there bickering back and forth, but at the end of the day they were like we love each other and we know that God put this person here for me and I wouldn’t want to go through this with anybody else.”
Looking back, TJ and Charli are grateful that the conference happened eight months into their marriage, and that they didn’t waste years trying to figure it out on their own without having the proper support systems in place to stay strong when challenges arise. They’re part of a group that’s redefining what it means to have #relationshipgoals, not the cookie-cutter version that is often assigned to seemingly perfect partnerships, but the one that takes strong faith and dedication with the person that you exchanged vows and walked down the aisle with.
The world may not often see players honoring God and their wives through this life-changing conference, but perhaps the spiritual revolution that’s quietly happening in the NFL community after the cameras stop rolling will one day be televised.
RELATED
Anyway, as we were also talking about how, let’s go with ho-hum, a lot of R&B is right now, especially when it comes to the lack of seduction that the genre used to have back in the day, I shared with him a joke that I once heard from comedian Deon Cole as he was comparing After 7 to today’s music. I’m actually going to post it below, so that you can get the full effect. LOL.
Video credit: @netflixisajoke
And that made me think of The Whispers and their throwback song, “In the Mood.” The real ones recall the lyrics: “Let me rub your shoulders (just relax)/Just let go/Slip on somethin' sexy/It's all right, baby, let me take control, hoo/ Step into the shower/I'll wash your back and you'll wash mine/Please stay for one more hour/I just want to make sweet love to you and feel you one more time….This is what I do to get you in the mood…Baby, I do it all to get you in the mood.” Ah, yes, music that sounds like intimacy instead of getting banged out.
And that made me want to ask a few women about what gets them in the mood as it directly relates to bedroom action, along with what, well, doesn’t. Check out what they said and then hop in the comments to share your own thoughts.
It’s always fascinating to hear about women’s sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.
*Middle names are always used, so that people can speak freely*
1. Areyla. Single. 34.
GiphyTURN ON: “I’ve always been drawn to two things: how a man smells and how crisp his line-up is. You bring a man to me who smells earthy and sexy whenever I hug him, and then he has the nerve to have a fresh haircut — girl, I am all over him! I think that it mostly has to do with those things being a sign of self-care, in a meticulous way. And if you’re into the details of you, I have no question that you will be into the details of me.”
TURN OFF: “Dirty fingernails. I have a natural curve in my own nails, so I get that it’s not always about a lack of hygiene or that he’s negligent. I just know that if you want your hands to go into certain places and spaces, you’ve got to get up under those nails, babe. I keep metal files and nail brushes in my bathroom because of it.”
2. Dachelle. Dating. 29.
GiphyTURN ON: “There are dirty talkers, then there are sensual speakers. I don’t need you to sound like you transcribed a porn video during sex. I do like when a man drops his voice an octave, speaks barely above a whisper, and asks me questions like, ‘So, what do you want me to do to you tonight? Be specific.’ And don’t let him have a strong vocabulary! I am definitely a sapiosexual, so the more intentional he is with his words, the better.”
TURN OFF: “Men who don’t cuddle. Maybe that sounds obvious, but some of my friends couldn’t care less about that. To me, if you don’t want to be close to me unless you are inside of me, that feels like we only have a physical connection, and sex means more to me than that. A man who spoons me right after sex because he wants to is gonna get another round from me. A man who doesn’t doesn’t, he also doesn’t have to worry about seeing me ever again.”
Shellie here: If you’re unfamiliar with what a sapiosexual is, check out “Tap Into What It Means To Be A Sapiosexual.”
3. Chayla. Engaged. 27.
GiphyTURN ON: “This might sound weird, but I like a man who doesn’t ‘come in hot.’ You know — guys who go down on you and act like they know just how you like it, or guys who immediately put you in a sex position and go ham like I should immediately be impressed. For me, that translates that they are doing to me what they’ve done with some woman before me, and we might not like the same things. That’s why I enjoy sexual conversations before sexual experiences. Ask me how I like to be touched and licked. Ask me what my favorite sex position is. Get to know me before you get to know me. My fiancé is like that — and that’s a big part of why he’s about to be my husband.”
"Ask me how I like to be touched and licked. Ask me what my favorite sex position is. Get to know me before you get to know me."
TURN OFF: “There’s nothing wrong with some hair pulling during sex; I’m all for it. What I need you to not do is pull my head into your stomach while I’m giving you head. There is already too much going on during that time and a sistah needs to breathe!”
Shellie here: We actually tackled the hair-pulling topic before on this platform. Check out “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex” when you get a chance.
4. Indigo. Married. 41.
GiphyTURN ON: “I know I sound married when I say this, but — clean this house, baby. In our home, we have a chores chart, kind of like what some of us grew up with. My husband and I each have days when we do certain things, so when he takes the initiative to do what’s on my list? That’s less work for me, which gives me more energy for him. And don’t let that man cook and clean up the kitchen more than twice in a week. How do you want it? How do you freaking want it, my love?’
TURN OFF: “My husband does his own laundry. We’re all grown and just like we have periods, men have fluids ‘n stuff in their drawers too. That’s fine. But anyone who says that keeping some mystery in a marriage isn’t needed, that’s somebody who doesn’t want to have a lot of sex. Just sayin’.”
Shellie here: There’s actually something to that chore thing. Studies say that couples who share chores end up having more sex. You can read about it here, here, and here.
5. Twyla. Dating. 25.
GiphyTURN ON: “Hickeys turn me on. Two things that I can’t do are whistle and give hickeys, so I’m amazed when others can do it — and yes, when I see…what do the older folks call it, love bites, on my breasts or tummy, that makes me feel desired on another level and it puts me in the mood pretty quick.”
TURN OFF: “Hickeys where you can see them are a turn-off, though. I don’t need people all up in my business. Also, guys who don’t let you know when they’re about to cum when they’re in your mouth. Not everyone’s taste and flow are the same down there, and I have a gag reflex. Announce the rainstorm, sir. I appreciate it.”
6. Essence. Married. 31.
GiphyTURN ON: “Kissing every part of me like you kiss my mouth is always gonna get him just what he wants. You ever had a man tongue down, not just your neck but your wrists, tummy, and even behind your knees? A good kisser is one thing. A good all-over-the-place one? I ain’t going no damn where.”
" Kissing every part of me like you kiss my mouth is always gonna get him just what he wants."
TURN OFF: “Stubble. On the face and down there. It puts me in a bind because I think my husband is sexy with a salt and pepper stubble beard, but when we do a lot of kissing, it gives me beard burn, and when I’m giving him head, stubbly pubes irritate my forehead. I mean, you asked.”
7. Queen. Divorced (and Dating). 33.
GiphyTURN ON: “Men who know that there is more to us than T&A is a huge turn on for me. Kiss my forehead. Lick my neck. When you’ve got my legs on your shoulders, kiss my legs. Suck on my fingers. Help me find new spots that turn me on. Sh-t. Is it hot in here? Damn.”
TURN OFF: “My turn off is the opposite of my turn on. It’s not even so much that I want a lot of foreplay — I just want you to act like you don’t just have to play with my kitty kat to get me going. Men who don’t learn how to enjoy all of a woman are lazy lovers — and that is going to turn me dry every time.”
8. Eleena. Single. 46.
GiphyTURN ON: “If you want to get me in the mood, call me to ask what kind of sex I want to have with you. Maybe it’s just me, but my mood can determine what I’m in the mood for. One day, I might want a lot of romance. One day, we might need a safe word. One day, a quickie is what I have in mind. Pre-gaming the sex by discussing gets me in the mood because it gets us both on the same page before anything happens — and that can already make sex hot as hell.”
TURN OFF: “I don’t like it when men have sex with themselves. I don’t mean masturbating — I mean, when you are nothing more than the audience to whatever they have in mind. It’s like they get off on themselves: looking in the mirror, asking 'Do you like that?' when they aren’t really doing anything. If we’re having sex, I need you present and into me. Otherwise, you can do whatever you had in mind…by yourself…at your house.”
9. Reveeda. Married. 43.
GiphyTURN ON: “A lot of times, it’s not the sex itself that makes sex boring — it’s the predictableness of it. Take me while I’m washing my face in the bathroom. Go down on me in the driveway of our home. Shoot me a text and tell me to meet you at the first hotel where we had sex. My husband is the best that I’ve ever had because, yes, he’s good in bed, but more than that, he’s spontaneous and that gets me in the mood — and keeps me in the mood.”
TURN OFF: “69’ing turns me off. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and it’s hard for me to concentrate. Plus, I can’t get the right angle while doing him, and I can’t put his head where I want it to be while he’s doing me. Y’all can keep that position. Sex shouldn’t be so complicated.” (She laughed while she said it.)
10. Umi. Divorced (and Single) 36.
GiphyTURN ON: “I like to be flung around like I only weigh 10 pounds. I like to be choked. I like a man who stares me dead in the eyes while eating me up. Sexual confidence is gonna get me every time.”
TURN OFF: “Men who bring their ego into the bedroom. You might think that confidence and an ego are the same thing, but they’re not. Men who want to be rated, who want to know if I think their penis is the best ever or who assume that they are doing me right without consulting me — that’s not confidence; that’s peak insecurity and a total waste of my time. From the bottom of my heart, check your ego at the door.”
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There you have it — 10 women who are crystal clear about what gets them going and what stops them dead in their tracks. What can you relate to? What makes little to no sense to you at all?
At the very least, forward this on to your girlfriends and hold your own unofficial polls the next time that y’all meet up. You never know what you might learn to get you even more in the mood — and what to do about the things that get you out of that same headspace.
After all, knowledge is power. Even in that bedroom of yours.
Straight up.
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Featured image by Giphy