The Fundamentals Of Self-Care When You’re Young, Black & Woke
About a year or two ago when there seemed to be an influx in the very public murdering of black men and women on social media, I became very intentional about distinguishing what needs to be seen and known to advance justice for those innocent people versus what is necessary for me to maintain a certain level of self-care.
As James Baldwin said, "To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time." But as an empathetic person who internalizes all pain, I wasn't just enraged, I was sad and discouraged. I was tired.
And when you're that "relatively woke" friend, there's a good chance that your friends are sending you a heavy rotation of content on the daily in their own blinding outrage...and rage rage.
Do I want the government censoring the senseless murders of their doing? Yeeea--No. Maybe? That's a thought I constantly straddle when asking myself what I want from the media I consume, being well-aware that trauma can occur when taking in all the violence against black people. Whichever side of the fence I fall on, I had to become intentional about what I was allowing my mind to take in and the frequency at which I was doing so.
I'll be the first to ring the alarm on outrageous bullshit hot on the streets, but I also try to respect my zen ass subconscious when it says enough is enough and then try to extend that respect to others.
I feel too deeply and too empathetically to expose myself to day-to-day news, so I stopped cold turkey.
To watch the news is to be informed, allegedly, but it is also a life sentence to the therapist that I'm currently out paying of my pocket. However, because people have come to know me as the "rah, rah" friend, they shoot me texts and direct messages of the most current traumatic news and what we're all guilty of, myself included, is sending that message without avail or shooting our fellow sis a "trigger warning" text, first.
This is something I'm navigating in my awareness of what these types of news stories can do to our mental health, and while I have not gotten it down pact completely, I've learned a thing or two and I would like to share it with you.
Know Your Triggers
I learned that not all social media is created equally long ago, personally, this has also come to mean that not every platform requires so much of my energy. Since discovering this, I sometimes have to pause and find the social media source of my angst. I surveyed my emotion when getting on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram right after the R. Kelly documentary. The act of logging into Facebook would tie my stomach up in all type of knots, so I deleted the app for a while. No need to make a dramatic announcement, just sign the hell out.
Bottom line is this: Be aware of your triggers! If you can't pinpoint them, how will you expect friends to do so and create proper boundaries?
Protect Your Boundaries At All Costs
I've seen black people insist that we expose ourselves to every bit of violence against black bodies so we don't forget the cause. Let's be clear, our bodies and souls have not forgotten centuries of trauma and as it stands, there is not much we can do to shake that sh*t. Transgenerational trauma is a real thing, and I promise - like the walls of an ancient cave - the trauma is branded on every part of our being.
You do not have to subject yourself to violence against to work towards justice. It is your prerogative to tell your friends, family or whoever to kindly stop sending you footage of events that trigger you in any shape or form. It feels weird at first, but you can't prop anyone else up until you're mentally there. That includes helping friends dissect their own feelings in these dialogues or fighting for justice against these tragic events.
Yes, I understand the ever present fear of complacency, but living in a constant state of fear and trauma while waiting for the justice we will likely never see? That ain't it.
Be Mindful Of What You Share & Repost
I saw a video on my timeline of a young woman being raped in a club and with good intention, many people continued to post the video in order to find her assailant. Thing is, we must be mindful in what we're circulating on the internet, as this content can potentially trigger others who have been sexually assaulted, and sharing this could be further traumatizing the current victim. We walk a fine line, social media can help to produce results while also being responsible for regression and we must be mindful of this.
But also, hold space for others who may not want to share your outrage in that moment. Ask questions like "have you seen…?" before sending over full videos, which can be tempting in a technologically advanced world. However, a video is harder to filter out especially when sent with zero context. So minimally, do that for your friends to avoid accidentally triggering them.
Maybe you know all of this, maybe you don't. Either way, I felt someone needed to hear this and release themselves from being exposed to the mistreatment of our people in addition to the everyday tragedies impacting the general public (racial identity aside). In the words of Audre Lorde, "Caring for myself is not self-indulgent, it is self-preservation. And that is an act of political warfare."
Be reminded of how the fight starts within and move accordingly. I truly believe self-care is critical to our survival as a people in all regards. Lay the cape down and take care of yourself. There is nothing more urgent than your mental health.
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Originally published March 8, 2019
Featured image by Getty Images
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage