What Does It Mean To Truly Work On Yourself?
Nowadays, “self-care” is the headline of it all. But what does it actually mean to prioritize yourself, choose yourself, focus on yourself in an unselfish way, and effectively communicate your needs to others while tending to yourself? Tending to your physical health or appearance caters to your current state of life, but sitting with yourself and learning to understand yourself emotionally and mentally can heal decades of wounds. It can also create opportunities to cater to your internal self-care better in different seasons of life.
As a person that’s highly invested in my internal self-care, I’ll be honest with you. It never becomes super easy to sit with uncomfortable situations that I’m affected by, but thinking of how I worked through a past difficult situation inspires me to go at it again. Not one time has it not been worth it. Whether you are single or in a relationship, life is going to occur one way or another, and our goal is to obtain the tools that work for us to move through it and grow from it.
Here is some insight from some relationship experts on focusing on your internal self.
What it means to prioritize self-care & practice internal self-care:
The more you choose to sit with yourself and explore your thoughts and emotions, the quicker you can problem-solve when another issue arises. And no, problems won’t ever stop coming, but the way you work through them will look and feel different now that you have some history of problem-solving internal issues.
Maybe starting to do internal self-care looks like “identifying the parts of your life and internal world you’d like to focus on," states licensed psychotherapist and consultant N. Oumou Sylla. She continues, “Notice where in your life you're feeling resentful, depleted, burned out, or exhausted [and] be honest about the ways you contribute to your experience of internal conflict.” Strengthening your self-awareness and accountability for the part you play in your internal struggles is fighting half the battle to combatting internal stressors. Next is changing your behavior.
“Prioritizing self-care is being open to trying a variety of things to find what works best for you," states licensed clinical social worker Lena Suarez-Angelino. The more I’ve practiced different types of internal self-care, guided meditation, reading books or listening to podcasts about the matter, journaling, therapy, doing devotional plans, and prayer, the more in tune I became with knowing what works best for different internal situations I needed to work through.
Suarez-Angelino continues, “Remember to breathe and be kind to yourself. Taking care of yourself is something that should be stress-free and guilt-free. Remember the reason why you’re practicing internal self-care in the first place.”
How to work on yourself when you're single:
“The route to working through internal conflict can be similar regardless of your relationship status,” Sylla notes. Unfortunately, life will still hit us from every angle, solo or partnered. She continues, “Relying on others for support, especially during times of stress/conflict, is normal and healthy. The main thing to ensure is that you are not seeing others as need-fulfillment machines or as people that will save you. Over-reliance on others in this way may be a sign of co-dependence or a part of themself does not trust themselves to tolerate distress.” The goal is to learn a healthy medium with support from others and working on ourselves alone.
Suarez-Angelino suggests that journaling "become one of your go-to exercises for processing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. When it feels like you don’t have anyone that you can trust, and therapy may not be as accessible to you, journaling is a great tool. Journaling allows you to write everything down without a filter or risk of harming your loved ones.” If you’re like me and prefer some structure with guided prompts, try investing in these cards or articles on our site like, "15 Shadow Work Prompts To Honor The Fullness Of Your Inner Being," "18 Self-Discovery Journaling Prompts For The New Year," and "20 Journal Prompts For Entrepreneurs To Reflect, Learn, And Thrive" to help you on your journaling journey.
“Once everything is written down, you can go back and highlight the key parts that you want to share with your loved ones. It will help reduce the emotional charge behind the thoughts and helps provide more clarity to your thoughts and feelings. Talking to a therapist is another way you can do this, but it may take some time to find a therapist you can open up to about your stressors.”
How to work on yourself if you’re in a relationship:
Many of us see our partners as our best friends, and we tend to go to them first to confide in, which is lovely to have, but when we are experiencing intense internal distress, it may be best to explain to them you need some time to sort out your thoughts so you won’t project anything on them. “Being open and honest with your partner by saying something like, 'I’m having a strong emotional reaction to this, and while I don’t expect you to solve this, I may come off a little closed-off, irritable, or shut down,'" states, Suarez-Angelino. "'What you can do to help me is to know that you are here for me and available to listen when I am ready to share how I’m feeling. I think I need some more time on my own to think about it.'”
Being proactive by effectively communicating where you are currently emotionally and mentally can save you from so many unnecessary fights or making your partner feel inadequate for solving an issue that’s outside of their control.
And she continues, “You may also want to reassure [your partner] that whatever you're feeling does not have any indication of dissatisfaction in the relationship (unless that is a part of it). All in all, you don’t want to keep your partner in the dark about what you are going through while also easing their own anxieties and possible insecurities that they are the reason for what you’re feeling. You also want to clarify that it is not your expectation for them to fill that void or solve the problems for you.” You can work through it together by communicating your needs and your partner respecting your boundaries and checking in when needed.
Working through internal self-care is difficult, but every second spent finding tools and professionals to support you during that process is the best gift you could ever gift yourself. Everything you ask from others, the patience, the compassion, the grace, the gentleness, the unconditional love, please make it your duty to provide it first for yourself. You have everything you always needed within you. The only way to get over internal conflict is to work through it.
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Ajeé Buggam is a content writer and fashion designer from New York City and an alumna from the Fashion Institute of Technology. She specializes in writing about race, social injustice, relationships, feminism, entrepreneurship, and mental wellness. Check out her recent work at Notes To Self
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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The Power Of Your Big 3: Understanding The Astrological Significance You Hold
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
Astrology has become even more mainstream and a phenomenon than it ever has in the past. We have gone beyond the, “What’s your sign?” and have moved into “What’s your big 3?” seemingly overnight, and rightly so due to the significance of knowing these important details. Your Big 3 in Astrology represents your sun sign, your moon sign, and your rising sign.
This trifecta is thought to be one of the most significant details of your birth chart and gives you and others more of a full-picture look at who you are beyond just your sun sign.
What Does Your Big 3 In Astrology Say About You?
Knowing your big 3 is important, especially if you are someone who has never really resonated with your sun sign. You read about what it means to be an Aries, but may not align with what you see or your experience with other Aries. Meanwhile, the whole time, you have a Libra rising, the complete opposite sign of Aries, and this is why you have always seen yourself as a more laid-back and less confrontational Aries.
Elements hold a key role in your birth chart and having a big 3 where the elements are all compatible or the same often signifies someone who knows who they are and is comfortable in their skin. Whereas someone with a different element for each part of their big 3 may have challenges with identity or defining who they are or how they want to present themselves. It’s a different type of perspective when looking into your big 3, and it helps you see where your strengths and needs are in life, and how to tap more into this potential.
Your Big 3 In Astrology Explained
Your big 3 can help you navigate life by understanding which part of you comes out more in different circumstances. At home, you are most like your moon sign, when you are out and about, you are most like your rising sign. Whether you are at home or out and about, your goals, purpose, and interests are most like your sun sign.
You can find out what your big 3 is by looking up a ‘Birth Chart Calculator’ on your search engine, typing in your birthday details (you will need to know your birth date, location, and the exact time you were born), and generating your birth chart.
Read below for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
YOUR SUN SIGN
Your sun sign represents the core of you and what motivates you to shine and be your best self. This is your personality, goals, purpose, identity, ego, interests, direction, and where you light up in life.
FIRE SUN (Aries Sun, Leo Sun, Sagittarius Sun)
If you are an Aries sun, a Leo sun, or a Sagittarius sun, you are outgoing, confident, fearless, and in tune with yourself and your personal goals and desires in life. You go after the things you want, and you are not afraid to take up space. You are someone who prefers to be more independent, and you are often in more leadership roles in life.
EARTH SUN (Taurus Sun, Virgo Sun, Capricorn Sun)
If you are a Taurus sun, a Virgo sun, or a Capricorn sun, you are grounded, dependable, loyal, hard-working, and logical. You prefer the finer things in life but also work hard to get where you are. You are someone others feel they can rely on, and you are often a support for other people in your life. You are very connected to the material sides of life, and have a gift for manifesting.
AIR SUN (Gemini Sun, Libra Sun, Aquarius Sun)
If you are a Gemini sun, a Libra sun, or an Aquarius sun, you are light-hearted, free-flowing, intelligent, and communicative. You speak what is on your mind, and you love to connect and communicate with others. People know you for the things you say and your out-of-the-box ideas, and you are someone who is open-minded and provides a safe space for people to be authentically themselves.
WATER SUN (Cancer Sun, Scorpio Sun, Pisces Sun)
If you are a Cancer sun, a Scorpio sun, or a Pisces sun, you are thoughtful, generous, emotional, loving, and compassionate. You care deeply about the people you love, and you are always there for others. You may be more emotional than most, and this is due to your strong intuition and open heart. You are creative, inspiring, and motivated towards connection in life.
YOUR MOON SIGN
Your moon sign represents your emotions. This is the way you express yourself emotionally, how you process your emotions, what you need in love, what makes you feel safe and nurtured, your desires, intuition, your inner world, and what’s going on beneath the surface.
FIRE MOON (Aries Moon, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Moon)
If you are an Aries moon, a Leo moon, or a Sagittarius moon, you are someone who is not afraid to communicate your emotions or how you are feeling, and you can feel your emotions from a mile away. You are confident in yourself and are someone who stands up for what you feel is right. You have a strong need to be seen and heard in your relationships, and a certain type of understanding is needed for you to emotionally thrive. You may have some challenges with anger or high energy and are working through emotional impulses in this lifetime.
EARTH MOON (Taurus Moon, Virgo Moon, Capricorn Moon)
If you are a Taurus moon, a Virgo moon, or a Capricorn moon, you are someone who is emotionally grounded, safe, comforting, and logical. You aren’t overly emotional and may not show your emotions to people much at all, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have them. You think before you speak, and you process your emotions before acting on them, and you tend to be more down-to-earth and understanding when it comes to other people’s emotional worlds as well. You are someone people go to when they need someone to talk to you as you are a very good listener.
AIR MOON (Gemini Moon, Libra Moon, Aquarius Moon)
If you are a Gemini moon, a Libra moon, or an Aquarius moon, you are someone who is fun, outgoing, and emotionally open-minded. You don’t like heavy emotions or too much emotional drama, and you tend to be more go-with-the-flow in this area of your life. Good conversation and mutual understanding are very important to you in your relationships and you want funny banter and inspiration in your connections with others.
WATER MOON (Cancer Moon, Scorpio Moon, Pisces Moon)
If you are a Cancer moon, a Scorpio moon, or a Pisces moon, you are someone who lives by their heart and values your emotional world deeply. You crave a deep type of intimacy in your partnerships and you need a partner who is going to give you that type of emotional connection. You are more private with your emotional world and you tend to hold a lot in, but this can often lead to sudden outbursts as well. Overall, you are the definition of emotion and others learn a lot from you on what it means to love and to feel.
YOUR ASCENDANT (RISING SIGN)
Your ascendant sign represents your perception and the energy you put out into the world. This is the way you come across to others, the way you express yourself, your physical traits and aesthetics, how you manifest, society, and what you expect from the world around you.
FIRE ASCENDANT (Aries Rising, Leo Rising, Sagittarius Rising)
If you are an Aries rising, a Leo rising, or a Sagittarius rising, you come across to others as confident, bold, and stylish. You are known for the way you look or the way you present yourself, and you are usually adorned in bright colors or wearing something that others take a lot of notice of. You are someone who walks into a room, and all eyes are on you, and you love that. You want to be on the move and on the go, and you love to show up in the world exactly as you are today. You see the world with a lot of possibilities and like it's yours to have fun and enjoy yourself in.
EARTH ASCENDANT (Taurus Rising, Virgo Rising, Capricorn Rising)
If you are a Taurus rising, a Virgo rising, or a Capricorn rising, you come across to others as responsible, beautiful, natural, and dependable. You are a hard worker, and you may be known for your career or the work that you do. You are someone who walks into a room and people feel an immediate sense of comfort and like you are someone they can trust. You have strong values and goals, and you are someone who knows what they want. People love to be around your down-to-earth energy, and you make others feel safe and grounded.
AIR ASCENDANT (Gemini Rising, Libra Rising, Aquarius Rising)
If you are a Gemini rising, a Libra rising, or an Aquarius rising, you come across to others as outgoing, friendly, and talkative. You see the world as a place to learn, connect, and be inspired, and you are on a quest for knowledge and understanding. You connect with people from all walks of life, and you tend to have a pretty open-minded and unique friend group. You care a lot about your style and aesthetic and always strive to be authentically you wherever you are. You can talk to people for hours and are often meeting new people and making new friends wherever you go.
WATER ASCENDANT (Cancer Rising, Scorpio Rising, Pisces Rising)
If you are a Cancer rising, a Scorpio rising, or a Pisces rising, you navigate life through the lens of your emotions, and you are deeply connected to the undercurrents of life. You are ruled by your emotions, and this side of you is not something you can keep hidden away easily. You get emotional when you think about society and others at large, and you want to be known for the kind and sincere person you are. When you walk into a room, you feel other people's energy right away and are highly empathic and intuitive.
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