

Earlier this spring, I remember reading an article where Oprah said that she had never been to therapy before; that in her mind, her best friend, Gayle King was her "regulator". When you think about all that Oprah has shared regarding childhood trauma, weight battles and pressures with her platform and then you add to that the fact that she gives out so much advice for a living, that seemed rather ironic to me.
It also reminded me of why I oftentimes say to my own clients that there is a difference between something being therapeutic and actually going to therapy. To me, at least once in life, everyone should see a therapist (or counselor or life coach). It's simply a good idea to have a professional help you to look at things from an "outside looking in", totally objective perspective, whether it's for the purpose of healing, revelation, goal-setting — or all of the above.
If you're someone who has either never been to a therapist before yet you've been strongly considering doing so as of late or you've tried it, got burned, and are leery about attempting going again (even though a part of you feels like you should), as a marriage life coach myself, I wanted to share 10 questions that you should personally run through. Ones that can help you feel a lot more confident about sitting on a therapist's couch — for a season.
1. What Specifically Do You Want a Therapist For?

When it comes to this first point, let me say that it would be a bit unfair for anyone who is a therapist to automatically expect you to know what kind of help that you need. After all, getting to the root of that is actually a part of a therapist's job. At the same time, it is a good idea to have some sort of ballpark idea of what you're looking for and the desired outcome you'd like to have. Like me? I work specifically with people who want to keep their marriage together, get it to thrive or those who desire marriage. Sometimes, I'll work with singles who are trying to get some areas of their life together; however, based on how complex and serious those issues are, I'll refer them out.
So, how do you start with your search when it comes to targeting exactly what you want or need? Well, do you want personal or professional assistance? Does it have to do with relationships in any way? Perhaps you've got some patterns/habits that you'd like to break. Are there things about how you live your life that you sense may be rooted in childhood trauma? Maybe you feel stagnant and you need someone to help you to get "unstuck" and set some goals. Ask some questions until you are able to "scratch an itch" so to speak. By the way, if there is something (or one) that is internally nagging you that won't seem to go away, that is a good indication that it should be brought up in therapy.
2. Will a Life Coach Do?

I once heard someone say that the main difference between a therapist and a life coach is a therapist focuses on one's mental health while a life coach is about helping someone reach their goals. I can definitely see there being a lot of truth to that; however, oftentimes a therapist is also considered to be a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist or counselor while a life coach? Some have "letters behind their name" while others do not. It kind of all depends on how much education you'd prefer the person you are working with to have. For instance, a lot of church folks go to see their pastor for counsel yet many of them aren't licensed therapists (or even licensed life coaches); they would be more like a life coach. I've been very open that I am a life coach as well. My work comes from years of experience while a friend of mine, who is also a coach, recently got certified.
Personally, when I'm dealing with a person or couple who I feel have some really deep-rooted issues, oftentimes I will recommend that they go to a therapist in addition to seeing me. However, if you're basically looking for assistance in identifying core issues and mapping out a plan on how to move forward, many times a coach (in an area of expertise that you're looking for because there are many different kinds) will fit the bill.
3. Is Their Ethnicity and Gender Relevant?
Not too long ago, a friend of mine asked me to refer them to a life coach. When I asked them what area they wanted to focus on, they said that they needed to get professionally organized and also create some long-term goals. Because this individual is pretty "fist in the air" (I'm sure you get what I mean by that — LOL), I assumed that they wanted someone Black. To my surprise, no. "I would actually prefer someone who sees life from a different lens because a lot of my clients aren't Black." Noted.
Some of you who are die-hard Insecure fans can recall the journey that Molly went on to find the right therapist for her. And yes, sometimes, being with someone who shares your ethnicity and/or gender can be a real comfort because you tend to feel like they get exactly where you are coming from. Anyway, whether that is the case for you or not, definitely factor this in while making your selection. It can make finding your right fit so much easier for you.
4. Do They Share or Respect Your Value/Belief System?
As a marriage life coach, I've worked with a few atheist couples in my time (actually, atheists tend to say married a lot longer than many Christians do…that's another article for another time, though). Because I strive to be a Bible follower, I've been asked if that was difficult to do. Eh, a little challenging only because I am someone who believes that marriage is a faith-based union; however, not impossible because I also believe that you can have morals and not be of the same faith system as I am. Still, since I tend to bring up God and Scripture quite a bit, I do make sure that prospective clients know that I think marriage is a covenant relationship and that I use the Bible in a lot of my counsel — at least a lot of the time. At the same time, there is actually a verse in the Word that talks about speaking in parables (applicable stories), so that folks who wouldn't understand Scripture can understand where you are coming from (Matthew 13:13). Taking that in has made it easier to communicate with folks from all walks of life.
Anyway, the bottom line here is you don't want to see someone who could end up doing a lot of debating with you or you're going to feel patronized around because you both have a different set of values or belief systems. If you're Jewish and want a Jewish therapist or agnostic and would prefer someone who won't bring up faith at all in your sessions, that makes total sense; it's pretty wise to look for that. You're already gonna have a lot to unpack. No need to start, right out of the gate, not seeing eye to eye about core foundational issues.
5. Have You Ever Seen a Therapist Before?
When I say that there is someone in my life who needs to go to therapy, stat — there can't be a bigger understatement when it comes to this topic. While the core of him is good, he makes some of the most redundantly toxic choices that I have ever seen in my entire life. The real catcher is he's so cryptic when it comes to how he moves that a lot of people come to him for insight. It's a mess. The few times when he has at least allowed me to broach the topic of counseling, he once shared that when he took a chance and tried, the therapist actually did something that was extremely unethical; they started developing feelings for him. And so, as of now, that has caused him to stay as far away from therapy as possible.
If you're hesitant about going to a therapist because you've never been before and you're not sure what to expect, that is totally understandable. Just try and keep an open mind. No one can make you do anything you want to do — including staying with someone you don't like or continuing in something that doesn't seem like a wise fit. On the other hand, if you're damning therapy because of a bad past experience, what I will say is, just like there are some good and bad people in general, there are also some good and not-so-good therapists. To swear off all of them because of one unfortunate situation would be a shame. Besides, how can one meeting — possibly a couple of times — with someone new hurt? You're still in control. No matter what. Always remember that.
6. How Do They Act in the First Meeting?
I'm gonna be straight up with you. Seeing a prospective therapist/counselor/life coach for the first time is a lot like a first date. And just like first dates, there are several red flags that you should look out for. Ready? Here are 10 of 'em.
- If they're late. It means they don't respect your time.
- If you feel like they are over-talking you. They aren't good listeners.
- If they come off condescending or patronizing. You need to feel comfortable.
- If they are distracted. That's just plain rude.
- If you feel like they're giving more of a monologue than dialoguing with you. You aren't to be their audience member.
- If you feel a hell of a lot worse rather than better. No one should feel like shame imposed by the therapist. Do keep in mind that therapy may bring about really uncomfortable moments so that you can get to the root of matters.
- If you sense gaslighting or manipulation. A therapist shouldn't be emotionally controlling or violating you.
- If it seems like a religion session. A faith-based therapist is one thing. Trying to recruit you is something else.
- If you feel no sense of peace. A good fit will bring about some clarity or "ah ha" moments, even from the first meeting.
- If you just don't "click". No explanation needed.
7. How Does Payment Go?
This is huge. Some therapists only take insurance (and well, you already know how that goes). Some will change insurance companies and just drop you (even if you've worked with them for years). Some are willing to work out some sort of out-of-pocket payment plan. The bottom line with this point is assume nothing. I know some people who were really hurt when, after several years of seeing (and becoming really comfortable with) their therapist, they had to part ways because their therapist left their insurance network and so they couldn't afford to keep seeing them. Let me tell it, before even going to the first session, this should be addressed. It would be a shame to find someone you really like, even upon the initial meeting, only to realize that you can't afford them.
8. How Committed Do You Plan on Being to the Process?
I believe I can speak for all people in the counseling field when I say that nothing is more taxing than working with clients where we seem far more invested in their betterment/healing than they do. I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with who don't do the assignments and/or will show up late and/or will cancel/reschedule at the last minute — over and over again. Or, they want to meet far and few between, when their problems clearly indicate that they need to be seeing someone, at least a couple of times a month. Matter of fact, I know a couple who's basically been in some sort of therapy, ever since they said, "I do". However, they are infrequent as all get out and are constantly in a pattern of expecting the therapist to save them from divorce whenever they allow things to go too far. Saving you at the last minute? Yeah, that is not our job. And it's not even fair.
Anyway, once you've met with a therapist for a few times, they should be able to give somewhat of an assessment of how often you should see them and how long it will be necessary (at that level of intensity, whatever that may be). If you know that you are not going to commit to that, you might want to wait until you can. The reality is that some people have a bad experience in therapy, not because of the therapist or the therapy itself; it's because they are mentally and emotionally all over the place and refuse to do the work that is required. And as best-seller author Iyanla Vanzant often says, "We're not gonna fight you for your healing." We shouldn't have to.
9. Has the Therapist Ever Been to Therapy?
This. One. Right. Here. If you're someone who's always been hesitant about going to therapy because you've heard that some of the craziest people are therapists — I'm not gonna lie and act like there's not some truth to that. There are many narcissists who are therapists. There are a lot of arrogant people who are therapists. Some folks use being a therapist as a way of escapism from their own demons and drama because it makes them feel good to fix other people's stuff rather than dig deep and tackle their own. And then there are some therapists who are so delusional that they think everyone needs their insight while they can't humble themselves to hear what they need to do with their own lives.
This is why I think it is totally NOT out of bounds to ask a prospective therapist if they've ever been to therapy before. While the reasons why are not really any of your business, you can learn a lot about someone who is willing to admit that either they've had past issues that they've needed to tackle or, like Meryl Streep's character did in one of my favorite movies (Prime), they go because they hear so much of other people's stuff that they need a professional to help them to process it all and set good emotional boundaries.
One of my favorite licensed counselors, I saw in high school, college and many years into my 20s. Now I have a therapist friend that I run things by when I need them. They are an absolutely godsend. So yeah, a therapist who has a therapist isn't something to side-eye. It's actually something to smile about.
10. What’s the “Proof of Purchase”?
Something that I apply to churches and therapists is, if after about a year, you see no signs of personal growth and progress, that's probably not the place for you. Best believe that, also like a lot of churches, unfortunately, there are some therapists out here who are perfectly fine running your credit/debit card, listening to you and not really tracking for your growth. A thorough therapist will actually talk about where things stand and how you're doing, periodically. And you should expect that because a therapist is supposed to provide you with tips and tools to be better as the result of interacting with them. You definitely shouldn't be stagnant or worse — worse.
I am passionate about people getting the health that they need, so of course, I could go on. I'm hoping that this will help to at least provide you with some peace of mind. Therapy is a blessing. Asking the right questions can lead you to the best therapist. It really can.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Why Janelle Monae Advocates For Therapy As A Form Of Self-Care ... ›
- Therapy For Black Girls: Beginner's Guide To Therapy - xoNecole ... ›
- Childhood-Related Questions To Ask Your Partner - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What To Know About Hiring A Life Coach - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- Key Questions to Ask When Choosing a Therapist ›
- 6 Questions Everyone Should Ask Their Therapist | Everyday Health ›
- 20 Questions to Ask Your New Therapist | Advocating for Better ... ›
- A Beginners Guide to Therapy. Part 2: What to ask in the consult ... ›
- The 14 Questions You Should Ask a Therapist Before Your First ... ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
How Your Rising Sign Is The Key To Unlocking More Financial Abundance In Your Life
Abundance is a mindset and it's one you can obtain more effortlessly by knowing your birth chart. Your birth chart in Astrology reflects your cosmic blueprint for this lifetime and maps out things for you like your purpose, destiny, and financial potential. There are key ways to earn income or increase your finances and Astrology helps you dive into that. By knowing your financial strengths, weaknesses, and gifts, you can enhance the abundance surrounding you and align yourself more with what resonates.
In Astrology, there are a few areas of your birth chart that signify what your financial world looks like and have the potential to look at as well. Your 2nd house, rules your finances, personal income, and values, your 8th house rules your shared finances and the money you receive from partnerships or through marriage, and your 11th house rules your hopes and dreams, manifestations, and what you have accumulated through your career or business. The sign Venus also represents finances and luxury, and the placement of this planet is key to understanding your financial purpose as well.
We each come into this life with specific skill sets and perspectives that have the potential to help us live the life of our dreams and fulfill our intentions. By understanding where you tend to naturally thrive in life, you open the door to financial freedom and empowerment. What the stars say about your financial potential is the inspiration you need to walk through that door.
Read for your rising sign below to see how to unlock your key to abundance.
How Your Rising Sign Unlocks Abundance
ARIES RISING
Your key to unlocking abundance involves creating concrete, long-term, financial plans. With Taurus in the 2nd house, you have a natural gift for money and you know how to build something from the ground up. You create beauty, love, and stability in the world, and your ability to make people feel comfortable will help you financially succeed. Taurus in the 2nd house are collectors as well, and you have a good eye.
With Scorpio in your 8th house, the partnerships and connections you form help you increase your income and earnings. It’s not about overly relying on others financially, but knowing there is support there for you when you need it. Your financial potential overall involves how much you are dedicating yourself to your dreams and doing things that will provide stability and security in your life.
TAURUS RISING
As a Taurus Rising, you have Gemini in the 2nd house, and there are a lot of different avenues in which you can earn an income. You will most likely have multiple streams of income in fact, and your capacity to learn, grow, and expand financially is endless.
You thrive in communication, publication, and collaborative worlds, and your networking abilities will help you succeed in life.
By educating yourself and expanding your mind, you can use this knowledge to help you connect, sell, and raise awareness to others. With Pisces in the 11th house, you have lucky Jupiter helping you make your dreams come true and creating miracles in your life. No one sees things the way you do, use this to your advantage when it comes to your finances and goals here.
GEMINI RISING
For you, you are more emotionally tied to your finances and sense of stability than most. With Cancer in your 2nd house, you have a strong intuition regarding money matters, but you may also feel like things fluctuate a lot for you here. Your key to unlocking your personal abundance comes by finding the things that you hold value in, thinking about your purpose and the legacy you want to leave behind, and owning your nurturing abilities.
You are a natural caregiver, creator, and protector, and can thrive in roles such as these. Cancer in the 2nd house also shows an ability to earn through real estate, antiques, or investments. With Capricorn in the 8th house, your logic will help you execute your plans and goals, and you are always thinking one step ahead. People may underestimate you often, use this to your advantage.
CANCER RISING
As a Cancer Rising, you thrive when you are able to take charge and lead your creative efforts. With Leo in the 2nd house, you are a charismatic soul and you are meant to take center stage in life. Your creativity, confidence, and courage will set you apart from others, and you will financially succeed in roles where you have some type of authority or can express yourself freely.
With Aquarius in the 8th house, you may also find your financial power when it comes to technology or social media. You are a natural influencer and people want to know what you think about things and what your current obsessions are. You are the star of the show, remembering that is your key to unlocking your abundance in this lifetime.
LEO RISING
You have Virgo in the 2nd house, and unlocking your key to abundance involves getting organized, sticking to a routine, and doing things that benefit others or society in some way. You are typically found in roles that involve being of service and you also have a gift with your words. Careers such as writing, speaking, publishing, health roles, and healing treatments all serve you well.
With Gemini in the 11th house as well, you have a gift for networking, communication, building a group or a team, and succeeding in your collaborative efforts. Don’t let your need for perfection take you away from your potential regarding your ability to connect with others and build something inspiring. Your vision, partnerships, selfless attitude, and creativity will help you financially succeed.
VIRGO RISING
As a Virgo Rising, you are a hard worker and have a lot of beauty and wisdom to share with the world. You have Libra in the 2nd house, signifying a creative soul and someone who can earn an income through art, interior design, fashion, or therapeutic and beauty practices.
You have a gift when it comes to creating things appealing to the eye, and you resonate with the more luxurious spheres of life.
Aries in the 8th house signifies a drive to succeed, and you financially move through a lot of transformations in this lifetime that lead you closer to your dreams. Creating a business that you are passionate about or being a part of a legacy that creates something beautiful for the world, helps you financially succeed in life.
LIBRA RISING
Financially, you evolve over time. The key here for you with Scorpio in the 2nd house, is to trust your intuition when it comes to what to invest in and what to spend your time and energy on. Know that with any setback you may encounter financially, you will rise above more abundantly and successfully. You have a unique way of understanding the undercurrents and concept of money, use this to your advantage.
With Leo in the 11th house, you succeed when you are confident, standing out from the crowd, and doing things that feel authentic and natural for you. You are meant to shine and inspire others through your charisma, personality, and strong intuition.
SCORPIO RISING
With a Scorpio Rising, you have Sagittarius in the 2nd, and financial freedom is very important to you in this lifetime. You are working towards building a legacy for yourself through your wisdom, knowledge, and quest for understanding. You inspire others in your own unique way, and this is a placement for many teachers or guides in this world.
Virgo in the 11th house reminds you to get clear on the things you want for yourself and the plans or dedication it will take to get there. Your intelligence and your capacity to see all perspectives and express yourself in a grounded way is what is going to unlock your key to abundance.
SAGITTARIUS RISING
Financially, you have a lot of potential to succeed in this lifetime. With Capricorn in your 2nd house of income, you are business-savvy and have a knack for money. You know what the world needs more of, and you are the one to provide it. Through your work ethic and need to succeed, you are someone who can be found in higher positions within a business or company.
Cancer in the 8th house also shows that you find financial empowerment by dedicating yourself to a cause or career that holds deep importance for you and your heart. The people you meet along the way are also key to recognizing your dreams and financial abundance.
CAPRICORN RISING
As a Capricorn Rising, you have Aquarius in the 2nd house which shows a gift in community, networking, and social media. You are a trendsetter and are ahead of time when it comes to trends, fashion, and ideals. You have a unique vision and ability to succeed in this lifetime through your manifestation potential.
With Scorpio in the 11th house, you can build a team or an organization and lead yourself and others to success. Your acquaintances and friendships throughout life will help you meet the right people and get the right opportunities. You always need to be thinking big when it comes to your finances, and know that you have what it takes to succeed.
AQUARIUS RISING
For you, financial success comes from your imagination and your hope for it all. With Pisces in the 2nd house, you view your financial world through a spiritual and creative lens, and the opportunities for you in this lifetime are vast. You need a lot of freedom within your career and you need to be doing things that allow you to express your creativity.
With Sagittarius in the 11th house of your hopes and dreams, you will succeed when you are stepping out of your comfort zone, traveling, and exploring new things. Your knowledge combined with lucky Jupiter, makes you someone who is more lucky than most when it comes to making your financial dreams come true. Remain positive and know your path to abundance won’t look like everyone else's.
PISCES RISING
You have Aries in the 2nd house, and financially you feel empowered when you are going after your individual dreams and intentions and are in leadership roles. Entrepreneurship inspires you, and you know how to lead a team. Taking initiative when it comes to your financial world is key here, and you need a certain sense of freedom when it comes to your career and working life.
Libra in the 8th house signifies abundance through your love life, marriage, business partnerships, or commitments and people are more willing to lend you a helping hand than most, use this to your advantage. Overall, your key to abundance is taking initiative, creating things never seen before, and using your charming personality to attract the support you need to succeed.
Love is cute and all, but building an empire together? That’s the real flex. Tap into our new series Making Cents to see what financial compatibility really looks like when love and legacy go hand in hand.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Igor Alecsander/Getty Images
Originally published on February 6, 2025