
When it comes to the word intimacy, we often associate it with romance, physical connection, or sex. But the concept of intimacy encompasses a deeper meaning, platonically or romantically. Societally speaking, even when we think of the word friendship, we normally don’t think of the word intimacy either. Relationships are either platonic or romantic, with no in between. And with the word “platonic” meaning non-romantic or non-sexual. But strong, healthy friendships require depth, intentionality, and substance.
In 2013, I wrote, “Intimacy is what is lost and lacking. I mean the casualty of hi and bye. The random, “Hey, how are you? The phone call after weeks, months, and years has passed. Just to see if you are around or to be all in your business.” I don’t know what prompted me to share that thought publicly, but maybe at the time, I noticed or felt the absence of intimacy in friendships. Maybe, at the time, I was not fulfilled in my current friendships. Maybe I missed the constant togetherness and closeness I felt in friendships in my early twenties, minus the petty drama.
Fast forward to 2025, my friendships have consistently deepened with intentionality. And it's because I place a high value on my connections, friendships, and relationships. For me, most of my friends have become family. Many of my friendships are lifelong – I’m talking 10-20 years and counting. As a young girl, if I called someone my friend, I truly and deeply meant it. It was forever until I was shown otherwise. But I also quickly realized friends come and go just like seasons, too. I was never one to run in cliques or circles. I don’t play favorites, and I treat my friends equally. There isn’t one thing I would not do for one friend that I would not do for another friend.
My ability to and choosing to show up is effortlessly genuine. My standard of friendship requires transparency, depth, consideration, reciprocity, growth, honesty, boundaries, mutual respect, emotional maturity, emotional intelligence, accountability, and raw, uncomfortable conversations. It includes creating moments and memories filled with laughter, beauty, joy, and ugly crying. It's showing up for the good moments, the hard moments, and everything else in between. I have always been this way.
With that said, I think I have been a long-time practitioner of something called platonic intimacy.
If you don’t know what platonic intimacy is, by the end of this article, you will know what it looks like, what works and what doesn’t in these friendships, how to develop platonic intimacy in friendships, and how it deepens friendships.
What Is Platonic Intimacy?
Intimacy vs. Platonic Intimacy
Before we confuse or intertwine intimacy with platonic intimacy lets understand the differences between the two concepts. Intimacy is defined as a deep emotional connection and closeness between individuals. This includes emotional, intellectual, and physical intimacy. Most people would associate this with romantic relationships. Think, sharing deeply personal thoughts and feelings with a partner or experiencing physical intimacy.
Whereas platonic intimacy is defined as a deep emotional connection and closeness between individuals without any romantic and sexual involvement. Focused on emotional and intellectual, spiritual, and experiential intimacy with physical affection limited to friendly gestures.
The Origins of Platonic Love
The Word Platonic Was Defined By The Greeks
The concept of platonic intimacy isn’t new. With that said, the word “platonic” originated from the ancient Greek philosopher Plato and his writings on different types of love in dialogue “The Symposium.” An article published by Verywell Mind says Plato believed that platonic love could bring people closer to a divine ideal. A higher form of love that focuses on a connection of minds and souls – serving as the foundation for platonic love.
Platonic intimacy refers to emotional depth and closeness possible in non-romantic friendships. Lately, it seems like social media has increasingly become an educational platform about social interaction, human connection, emotional intelligence, and emotional maturity. With growing conversations around mental health and non-traditional relationship structure, it is evident there is a major shift towards recognizing the value of deep friendships.
In reviewing “The Ins and Outs of Platonic Intimacy” by Keys Soulcare, they interview Lightworker Tiffany Curtis on platonic partnerships and deepening meaningful connections. Curtis’s thought-provoking opinions on platonic intimacy allow us to think about relationships in a nontraditional manner and go against the norm. Curtis states:
“I think that platonic intimacy gives us space to experience love and affection in an abundant way. So many of us grow up thinking that platonic relationships and friendships are a consolation prize, a second place to a romance coming first in our lives. Our society has this binary view of relationships: you’re either friends or partners. But sometimes the two coexist, and sometimes they don’t, and platonic relationships are not 'less' than romantic ones.”
The article also highlights that “Friendships can teach us what’s possible in our connections when we don’t adhere to a prescribed relationship ladder. What can love and care and choosing someone over and over again look like when we dismiss the idea that relationships have to follow certain steps?”
As someone that has come to believe my life is rich with good people, friendship, and community I wholeheartedly agree.
Platonic Intimacy Looks Like...
I read somewhere on social media that friendships are no longer like childhood friendships. Adult friendships require time and intentionality. Agreed. According to an article by Curina, what that means is platonic intimacy in general means trying to be more expressive with the people you call friends. This expression can manifest in many forms including physical touch, emotional support, and shared experiences. Think long awkward hugs, “just checking in” texts, helping with everyday tasks, creating traditions together, being vulnerable, sharing clothes, jokes, passwords, or celebrating wins joyously.
Platonic intimacy can also look like planning futures together, caring for each other when sick, praying in a time of need, deep late-night talks, sleeping in the same bed, shared playlists or photo albums, taking care of pets, walking through hard moments or big life transitions.
The idea is that close friendships deserve and should get the same type of attention that romantic relationships have.
Before I knew platonic intimacy was a whole thing, I’m the friend that will visit one of her lifelong friends and cook breakfast before she leaves for work and cook her favorite cuisine for dinner when she comes home. Fuzzy socks and pajamas — we will lay in the bed and play the social card game Wordaful or watch a movie. Another lifelong friend of mine was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer during one of my visits to California. So, I made it a point to see her. We simply laid in bed and talked for hours.
I might help a friend pack to prepare for a move. I may send a friend a thoughtful card just because, write a letter, or order an adult coloring book and colored pencils via AmazonPrime if they tell me if they're mentally struggling.
Other times it’s a coworking date at a friend's house. She buys the coffee and I cook lunch. I tend to notate the little details about my close friends. Maybe a favorite song, their favorite food, or social media memes that remind me of them. I show up in hard moments and crises too. And I don’t think I know anything different when it comes to friendship. I don’t know any other way to be.
Maybe it’s because I am a natural born giver, my strong Caribbean values, or because I grew up seeing my mother endlessly show up for family and friends.
How to Build Platonic Intimacy With Friends
How To Develop Platonic Intimacy in Friendships
The important thing to note about platonic intimacy is it's about allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another person. It's about acceptance, trust, honesty, loyalty, understanding, companionship, enjoyment, growth, gratitude, and closeness. Remember, Plato taught us that platonic love is a bond in which we can identify positive qualities that make us feel whole or complete within another person. It is the close relationships that are rooted in alignment, trust, confidence, and loyalty.
A non-romantic soulmate, if you will.
“This Is Platonic Love,” an article published by Psych Central, states that developing platonic intimacy within friendships involves shared similar interests and life passions. Deep conversations are key as a level of trust is required to share deeper opinions.
Platonic intimacy grows with routine maintenance where there is equal responsibility and intentionality to maintain the friendship. You have to show all the way up. This looks like prioritizing time, planned check-ins, open communication, and taking initiative to make plans.
Friendships like these also require mutual respect and boundaries. I think knowing a friend's love language (traditional or non traditional) also helps create platonic intimacy and strengthens friendships in general. For example, I know one of my friends' love languages is coffee and plants.
So, I suggested a co-working date in this new coffee shop that is also a plant store and she has never been so excited.
What Does Not Work for Platonic Intimacy
Another thing to remember is platonic intimacy is nurtured when two people actively show positive qualities and behaviors within friendship. Negative behaviors and/or patterns cannot co-exist in these types of friendships. In the same article by Psych Central, threats to platonic intimacy include inconsistency or ghosting habits where the responsibility of the friendship belongs to one person. Lack of consideration for boundaries is also a challenge.
Whether it's a female or male friendship – friends with benefits are definitely not welcomed in platonic intimacy. It creates a complicated, unhealthy, dynamic. Let’s be honest, complicated is the last thing anyone wants in deep connection and friendship. And healthy, reciprocal close friendships should be fluid, not complicated.
Lastly, one-sided vulnerability where one friend knows you intimately, but cannot reciprocate the same transparency doesn’t work either. The goal of platonic intimacy is closeness, not to play therapist.
Why Platonic Intimacy Improves Your Life
Life is Better When Close Friendships Are Deepened
To me, platonic intimacy in friendships is a conscientious effort over time. But any close friendship and/or relationship is exactly that. Close friendships are essential to our health and overall well-being. Research studies have shown that platonic intimacy or platonic love helps with improved health, lower stress, and resiliency. This includes reduced risk for heart disease, anxiety, and depression.
Close intimate friendships make us mentally and emotionally stronger. And what I mean by that is having support or lifelines. Sometimes, family cannot be our lifeline — this is where platonic intimacy comes in. It’s friendships that make us feel safe, seen, and heard that deepen this thing called life.
We as humans are not wired to be alone in any regard. We are not here to experience one type of love or life either. However, we are here to connect interdependently and love well.
I want you to know choosing someone doesn’t have to be limited to a romantic relationship. First and foremost choose yourself first. But also choose people who choose you as much as you choose them – each and every single time regardless of time, distance, or circumstances.
Choose the friendships that fill your cup, make you whole, understood, nurture your peace, and that make you feel undeniably safe.
Platonic intimacy in friendships is one of the greatest loves you will ever know and experience in this lifetime. And I hope you get the chance to know her.
(Thank you to my friend and client M.K.R. for inspiring me to write this article with her own examples of platonic intimacy in her friendships.)
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
How Les Alfred & Kayla Greaves Built Their "It Girl" Brands With Intention
It’s not always easy being an “It Girl,” but Les Alfred, host of She’s So Lucky podcast, and Kayla Greaves, beauty expert, reporter and consultant, never promised it would be. Instead, the two creators are forging their own paths based on resilience. Les originally launched her podcast, formerly Balanced Black Girl, from her bedroom in Seattle after creating fitness content elsewhere online.
Last year, she left her corporate job to scale the Dear Media-hosted series, which she rebranded earlier this year. Meanwhile, Kayla has worked as a journalist and editor, including for InStyle as Executive Beauty Editor. In 2023, she left the company to focus on consulting, hosting and speaking engagements.
Despite launching media careers from different pathways, the two New York-based women have forged a friendship where they can discuss their ambitions and challenges.
Both women are part of xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, recognized in the Viral Voices category for the impact they’ve made through storytelling, creativity, and authenticity. Together, they represent what it means to build an "It Girl" brand with integrity and depth. In the spirit of SheaMoisture’s "Yes, And" ethos, Les and Kayla embody the freedom to be multi-layered as women evolving boldly into every version of themselves.
This conversation has been condensed and lightly edited for clarity
On Forging Their Own Paths
Les Alfred: Being a Jane of all trades is incredibly challenging. And one of the challenges I've faced is that the scope of what podcasters now need to do has increased so much. When I first interviewed you in 2019, I was still very new at it, but I remember being on a Skype call with you from my bedroom in Seattle. That was how I ran the show. And that was good enough. That is absolutely not good enough these days. The scope and the quality keeps increasing, but the resources that you have don't necessarily increase in order to remain competitive.
I get asked so many questions from people who want to get into podcasts and they want to get started. Most of the time, I'm just like, 'I don't have tips for you.' Because, one, I don't know what it's like to start in this current environment. Two, I know what it takes to contend and be consistent in this environment. The barrier of entry is a lot higher in terms of having something of quality than it was before.
On Balancing Ambition and Rest
Kayla Greaves: I've had to make a very clear effort to slow down and just not take on as much. Yes, you're running a business, but you're also living your life. I had one of those days yesterday. I just laid down and listened to white noise for hours because I just needed my brain to just be clear. I called a friend. I cried.
I'm starting over again today. The sun is out. It's a new day. And that's just sometimes what you have to do. You can't show up for your audience or for other people, if you can't show for yourself. I think that creativity comes from a place of living your life and having genuine experiences, and then sharing those experiences through your art.
"I had to give myself permission to let myself grow publicly in ways that I'd already done personally."

Courtesy
On Evolving Through Growth and Rebranding
Les: I didn't create Balanced Black Girl until 2018, but I started blogging and creating content and doing things under the Balanced brand in 2014. I was 24 years old at the time. Now, I'm 36. The things that were important to me, the perspective that I had and the stories I wanted to tell were entirely different. I think I had to give myself permission to let myself grow publicly in ways that I'd already done personally. The show isn't really about wellness anymore. And that shift started happening a couple of years ago.
When we started expanding into more lifestyle topics, more self-help topics [and] talking about entrepreneurship, the audience responded really well. That was when the show really started to grow and take off. And that was what got so much more engagement than the episodes back in 2020 when I was doing hour-long deep dives on gut health.
Rebranding the show was something I've been thinking about for a long time. When I was finally like, 'Oh, I need to do this,' honestly, was the 2024 presidential election. I was like, these people are about to be in here acting crazy. I do not feel safe with my business name being what it is. I don't want to be targeted for any BS. We saw what they did to the Fearless Fund.
"You have to balance your integrity with your income."

Courtesy
On Integrity Over Income
Kayla: I have many other interests aside from beauty. I'm growing and I'm changing as a person. I'm not the same person I was when I started at InStyle in 2019 before the pandemic rocked everybody's world. I don't think reviewing every single lipstick that comes out is exciting or interesting, because everybody does it now, and everybody feels like they're qualified to speak on things that they're not qualified to speak on. I'm currently in that pain point of growth.
I don't think I have always been in environments where I've been encouraged to branch out on my own ideas. I finished Ina Garten’s memoir maybe a month ago. She kept repeating this quote in her book. She said, ‘What goes in early, goes in deep.’ Now that I'm on my own and I don't have the resources of a traditional media company, which is what I have become accustomed to, sometimes it's difficult for me to be like, 'Okay, just go ahead with the thing.'
I think, Les, just the other day, you reposted somebody saying that they let go of a five-figure deal and then got double the next day because it just didn't feel aligned for them. Those are the things that happen. I have to find a balance of, 'Okay, how do I keep myself afloat?' And that may mean I may not be balling out of control just yet, but I'm okay for now. I can buy myself nice things every once in a while, but you have to balance your integrity with your income.
Les: There are just certain lines that I'm not willing to cross. Especially when I created more wellness content, one of those lines was I will not promote any sort of weight loss product. All of these GLP-1s all want to advertise on my podcast. I actually have nothing against those types of products, but I don't ever want someone to look at what I'm putting into the world and think that I'm saying that they need to feel a certain way about their bodies.
Even if the money is great, that's not for me to say, and that's not the type of message that I want to put out here. Or, I had another kind of brand deal come through that would have required me to divulge things about my personal life that I just don't really want my audience knowing about me, and bringing them along on journeys that I just find personal and I want to keep offline. I don’t want to be known for dragging my mess all over the internet for a buck.
I don't want to be known for being an influencer. I would love to be 1,000% in on my podcast, scale it, have it grow to be a media empire where I'm producing and putting out other bodies of work. For now, until that other side of the business really picks up and gets to the point where I want it to be, I kind of need to play the influencer game a little bit to live in this expensive city. But I'm gonna do it on my terms. It's a constant compromise that I'm coming to with myself.
"You can never make a big vision come to fruition if you're sitting and you're waiting for somebody else to tell you exactly what to do."

Courtesy
On Mutual Admiration and Friendship
Les: Something that I really admire about you in having known you for the past couple of years is you don't wait for a roadmap. You jump in, you roll up your sleeves, and you do it. You can never make a big vision come to fruition if you're sitting and you're waiting for somebody else to tell you exactly what to do.
Kayla: Well, first of all, I want to say thank you for saying that, because that means so much to me, and it's very affirming. That's exactly how I feel about you. I remember, even at your first live show, you're like, ‘Oh my god, I'm so stressed. I don't know what I'm doing.’ And, the shit sold out. And, you know, and now, like, you see the growth of the podcast. And you have nearly 61,000 subscribers on YouTube. I just checked recently.
I talk a lot about people that really just need to not say anything on the internet, because it's so frustrating as somebody who grew up as a traditional journalist. You want people to fact check and ask thoughtful questions and have good conversations. I've never said that about you. I've always loved your podcast. And I've sent a lot of your episodes to friends when they're going through specific things that you're talking about.
This season has been a little bit slower to me, so you've been a constant source of inspiration, and it's just been such a pleasure to see your podcast grow despite the challenges you've had. I know it's not easy, but you continue to grow and continue to push through, and I really admire that as somebody who sat and cried yesterday and listened to white noise.
And this is why I tell you all the time, you really do inspire me. I love you a lot.
Les: Oh my gosh, I love you a lot. I'm so glad that the podcast brought us together.
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
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