A couple of weeks ago, while I was in the process of doing some research on another topic that I will be addressing here sooner than later (stay tuned), I kept seeing two topics come up: monkey branching and cobwebbing. They were in the context of dating, and so, of course, I decided to go deeper.
While I already knew what monkey branching is (some of my clients do it), the concept of cobwebbing piqued my curiosity. Once I read what it was all about, I just knew that I had to write about it because, if there was less relational monkey branching and more cobwebbing going on out in these dating streets — the world would certainly be a safer place for us all (I’m…not…kidding).
If you’ve never heard of either term before and you’d like to know more about them, check out why monkey branching is so relationally counterproductive and how cobwebbing can totally change your dating life — for the better.
What Is Monkey Branching?
GiphyMonkey branching. Whew, chile. I think all of us have at least one friend who is an Olympian-level monkey brancher. Why do I say that? Okay, let me first explain what monkey branching is (in case you are someone who isn’t quite sure). You ever seen a cartoon where a monkey is swinging from limb to limb? If you look really carefully, they don’t release the branch that is behind them until they are able to fully grasp the branch that is before them; that way, they don’t fall. Now change the monkey out for a human and the branches out for other humans and, relationally, that is what monkey branching is in a nutshell.
Some relationship experts define it as someone who intentionally seeks out a new relationship while still being in one with another person so that they don’t have to ever end up being alone (which is a state of falling to some folks). My take? It is a bit different. For instance, I have someone in my world who I’ve been friends with for almost 20 years at this point. And you know what? Not once has she ever been single. When we first became close, she was in the middle of ending a relationship with someone and then, here came a guy from her past.
He courted her heavily to the point where, in a matter of months, she got engaged to him. Then, years later, when they separated, she reconnected with another ex. See what I mean? MONKEY BRANCHING. Believe it or not, it’s not so much because she’s afraid of being alone so much as she doesn’t take the time to step away to assess her patterns, so that she can actually learn from her experiences. As a direct result, she just keeps on repeating them.
Hmph. The interesting thing about this particular dating trend is, although it might seem like the monkey brancher is simply entitled and/or greedy and/or selfish behavior, that’s usually not the case. What’s really going on is those types of individuals typically have an anxious attachment style, they are dealing with some form of love addiction (check out “6 Signs You're A Love Addict”) or they are more than a little insecure and so they rely on the validation that being in some type of something with someone brings.
And so, when, for whatever the reason, a relationship hits some really hard times and/or looks like it’s about to run its course, they make sure that they are with another person (in some shape, form or fashion) before totally calling it “quits” with the first individual.
And that’s why I have a bit of a different take because while some people think that monkey branching is about intentional cheating, I think monkey branching is about not making the time to heal and evolve in between relationships. What other people believe vs. myself? I think both are semi-toxic behaviors.
As for my version of monkey branching — why is “toxic” the word that I would go with? Chile, lemme count the ways because, if you don’t know how to end things thoroughly, what you will essentially do is carry baggage on top of baggage on top of even more baggage into every relationship you get into (which makes things unnecessarily stress-filled and burdensome).
Also, because you never took the time to pause, ponder and reflect, you never really fully grow from your relationships — and that typically leads to cyclic behavior, wasted time and relationships that are only subpar and ho-hum in comparison to the quality ones that you could’ve had…if only you would’ve chosen to be a cobwebber instead of a monkey brancher.
And just what is cobbing all about?
What Is Cobwebbing?
GiphyHave you ever sat and wondered what cobwebs actually are? The best way to describe them is they are webs that spiders have left behind; ones that, if they aren’t removed, over time, dust and debris cling to them. The interesting thing about cobwebs is, if you were to read articles about them, many would probably say that they are what transpire when you neglect to thoroughly clean parts of your home.
Hmm…can you see where this is going?
For this one, let’s call your heart your house and spider webs the connections that you’ve had with certain men. Based on the dynamic of the relationship, even if they are gone in the physical sense, if you never took the time to “clear them away” from you — there will still be remnants of them lingering and lurking around. And so, what cobwebbing does is remove those “webs” that have collected in your space that don’t serve much of a purpose anymore, so that you can fully heal from those situations and/or you can become “free and clear” to move forward with someone else.
Okay, so what could a potential cobweb be?
- Comparing every guy in your present to someone in your past.
- Still having sex with an ex, even though you know it’s not going anywhere past the bedroom.
- Allowing an old boyfriend to have access to you…whenever he feels like it. Even casually.
- Talking to a toxic former partner on social media (even if it’s just on birthdays…he’s toxic regardless).
- Holding on to every single thing that an ex gave you.
- Bringing them up as much as possible…when doing so doesn’t even really make sense.
- “Editing” the past to make the relationship seem better/healthier than it actually was.
- Finding ways to keep them in your life, even though there’s no real reason to past nostalgia.
- Not moving on because you are hoping that your ex will return…eventually.
- Justifying what you know is nonsense; whether it’s about them or the relationship.
Now be honest with yourself — no matter how much you may want to romanticize or even deflect from these points, how can any of these “webs” be good and beneficial for you? How does a current guy get a fair shot if he’s competing with some dude he doesn’t even know yet you keep comparing him to? When will you ever be ready to be intimate with someone new if you keep creating oxytocin bonds with ole’ boy?
See, the thing that I like about cobwebbing is it encourages you to hold yourself accountable when it comes to stuff like this. It reminds you that in order to have the kind of relationship that you claim to want and deserve (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?”), you need to put your mind, body and spirit in the position to do just that.
And that means cleaning out the old in order to be fully ready for the…new.
3 Tips to Stop Monkey Branching
GiphyAight, so it doesn’t make much sense to talk about what monkey branching and cobwebbing are if I’m not going to at least point you in the direction of how to become less of a monkey brancher and more of a cobwebber as well.
Let’s go with the monkey branching self-work first:
1. Get. Closure.
Some people aren’t a fan of closure; hell, I am. Closure is literally the act of shutting things down and bringing a conclusion to them. How can that be problematic? Besides, when you don’t officially get closure, that tends to leave a door cracked and the brief moment when I was in sales, what I always remembered is, if someone cracks a door or stays on a call with you for longer than five seconds, you definitely have a shot with them. Hmph. A lot of humans are in relationship sales. Always remember that.
2. Figure out why you struggle with being completely single.
If you keep monkey branching because you don’t like the thought of being alone, do me a favor and check out “If You're Not In Love With Being Single, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions” when you get a chance. While there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, something is a bit internally awry if you need it so badly that you can’t ever be by yourself (which is why you should also check out “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'” and “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single”).
3. Be intentional about going through a season of sex/dating abstinence.
Although it’s so transactional out here these days that I don’t know if people remember it anymore, dating is about getting to know someone (them not their wallet or their body in record time) better. And honestly, that’s how a season of abstinence from sex and dating altogether should be seen as: a time to get to know yourself, so that you’re not “grasping at straws” when it comes to men — you are vetting who truly complements you and your life because you know yourself well enough to accurately do so.
3 Tips to Make You a Master at Cobwebbing
GiphyTo tell you the truth, if you take the three steps that I just suggested literally and seriously when it comes to what it takes to release yourself from being a monkey brancher, the following three tips for how to become a solid cobwebber will probably come naturally to/for you.
1. See a therapist or relationship life coach.
My friend who I mentioned earlier. She’s in therapy, in part, for her monkey branching issues. Praise the Lord because something else that monkey branchers tend to do is over-romanticize their limbs/branches because they lack personal accountability. A reputable therapist/counselor/relationship life coach can help you in that department by asking you some questions that you probably wouldn’t ask yourself, confronting you with “aha moments” that you would probably dodge otherwise and provide you with tips to get you out of the hamster wheel of monkey branching that you keep putting yourself into.
2. Do some relational journaling.
It’s kind of weird how some people can’t see their patterns, even though they are the ones living them. Sometimes, what “shows them themselves” is journaling — and yes, when you’re in the process of removing your relational webs, writing down your thoughts, feelings, fears, habits when it comes to your “branches” can help you to see what you and doing and why. So yes, definitely commit to journaling as you’re in the process of detoxing/setting yourself free.
3. Remove the past. COMPLETELY.
Some people have a stronger hold on us than others — TRUST ME, I KNOW. And what I’ve had to learn is because they’re not going to stop being fine and we’re not going to stop having some sort of chemistry — if the potential cons far exceed the potential pros, I need to just…end it. COMPLETELY (Anthony David’s “Cold Turkey” actually just came to mind). No phone calls. No random texts. No asking about them via people we have in common. It’s in the past…so just…leave it there. Because just like cobwebs can come in the form of people, they can come in the form of thoughts as well — the less you engage, the sooner things…fade away.
___
Remember how I said earlier than monkeys don’t release a “back branch” without holding firmly to a “front branch” because they don’t want to fall? For them, it’s for safety purposes. Thinking that being alone is going to harm you? Yeah, that’s not a healthy, wise or beneficial mindset — and that is a huge part of the reason why monkey branching is a huge “uh-uh” and cobwebbing gets a standing ovation.
Standing on your own, so that you don’t have to keep leaning on remnants of the past and potentials of the future simultaneously? That’s how you ultimately end up with a whole man — not fragments of a few.
Stop neglecting yourself and what you actually need. Clean those cobwebs out, sis.
Not eventually…NOW.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
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Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
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Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
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Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023