Dear Ayana Iman: I just started a long distance relationship with a guy I really like.
I honestly can say I do love him and I see him in my future. We keep God first in our relationship and we've made plans for the future. Our connection is really strong and different from both of our past relationships. I live in Virginia and he lives in Atlanta. Any advice on how I can keep faith in this relationship and how we can grow between now and the time we'll be able to see each other?
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Hey girl! Relationships aren't linear. There is no dating rule that states when your version of happy starts, you must court and commit all within the same location. The last thing you want to do is to associate fear with distance. I know that distance can be tough, but this could be the romantic breakthrough you were looking for. Taking the focus off of the physical allows you to build and strengthen your mental and spiritual connection without complicating it.
Intimacy is the key to ensuring a healthy relationship.
It will provide a deeper sense of meaning for you both, which it already seems to be doing. With that, communication is also very necessary. Create an atmosphere of transparency and authenticity by empowering each other through goal sharing, prayer, and acknowledging your own personal needs. This will help you establish rules of engagement and manage expectations. Do sweat the details; sharing surface details of your day isn't enough, go deep to further connection. Continue to live your best life and allow him to do the same to combat obsessive communication and neediness.
The goal here, ultimately, is to have two happy whole people come together in harmony. Cherish the present by enjoying this moment, you deserve it.
Dear Ayana Iman: My life is a mess right now and I hate it. I feel like I'm trying hard and I have goals and expectations but my partner doesn't seem driven. When I bring it up, I get lip service and tears. I just don't know how to proceed.
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This impasse in your relationship is in need of some serious work. You are well within your rights to have these concerns, also, to question the compatibility between you two.
My motto: with great resistance, try a new approach.
Before you make any drastic decisions, let's acknowledge that the unhappiness stems from your expectations of your partner to the overall health of this relationship. I know you love this person, if you didn't, there would be no attempt to find a resolution.
The reaction from your partner makes it clear they are uneasy with the situation and become defensive to avoid pushing the issue further. This shows some underlying issues they may be facing that have nothing to do with you. I know it can be hard, but approach them with empathy, e.g. understanding what a person is feeling and why their actions made sense to them. Having empathy can open up lines of communication where there was none. Express your concern by owning how you feel, like "When you do not listen, I feel ignored," which can help you avoid accusatory language against your partner. Try not to ask these questions when you're upset or there's tension. Find a time to speak when there's no distraction from outside parties. Some questions that may be helpful can include:
- What are your expectations for our relationship?
- What are your overall goals and do you feel supported in accomplishing them?
- What does a healthy relationship look like to you?
- Do you feel like our relationship can use a refresher?
Ultimately, the choice is yours to stay or go. If you continue to feel like this relationship is not serving you even after the attempts made to create peace, let go.
Everything has a purpose and a season.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Talking to Allure, the entrepreneur shed light on her beauty and skincare routine. While she enjoys glam, she knows that beauty comes from within and makes sure to instill that in her 8-year-old daughter Zhuri. “Whether you are done up to the gods or at home with a pimple patch and bonnet on, you're beautiful and it's enough,” she said. “You don't have to do any more than that if you don't choose to.”
Below are four essentials that make up Savannah's beauty space.
Vanity
@allure/ Instagram
The video starts off with Savannah showing us her vanity, and everything is organized and labeled. “I love makeup,” she said. “All of my things have been organized for me, which makes it easy to find the things that I need because it’s a lot in there.”
Affirmation Corner
@allure/ Instagram
As she continued showing off her vanity, she also gave us a glimpse at the affirmations she has on star sticky notes posted on the mirror. Some of the affirmations say, “I am loved,” “I am capable,” and “I am strong.”
Soaking In The Bathtub
@allure/ Instagram
One of her favorite ways to relax is by taking baths. “I take probably five or six baths a week,” she confessed. “It’s the best thing in the world. I go through bags and bags and bags of Epsom salt." She continued, “Usually, my kids and my husband know that if they can’t find me, this is where I am.”
Skincare and Haircare Drawers
@allure/ Instagram
In her bathroom, Savannah has two drawers that she calls her “go-tos.” They are her skincare and haircare drawers. The skincare drawer has items like makeup pads, gua sha, and wrist towels ( for when water drips down your arms when you're washing your face), and her haircare drawer includes scrunchies, clips, wig pins, and more. “I am obsessed with skincare. I’m a skincare junkie,” she revealed. “I just think it’s one of the parts of my self-care routine that is a non-negotiable.”
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Feature image by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images
