How I Found A Job That Paid Me To Live Abroad For Free
What does it mean to be an Au Pair?
I had heard the term "Au Pair" before but wasn't really hip to what it actually entailed. Until one December, I stumbled upon the very creative way to live abroad while on a rampant Google search. It struck me that month, during one frustrating day of contemplation and confusion about life and where to turn next, that I wanted, needed, to travel often and experience new cultures. While I've been able to take the international/domestic trip here and there I was craving more frequent jet-setting. But, given my financial situation, I wanted to do it for free, or at least at a low enough cost.
Overlooking Blanes, Spain, my Au Pair hometown
By far, Au Pair felt the most creative.
An Au Pair is a person who lives with a family in another country to help with the kids.
I vaguely remembered Au Pair from a made-for-TV movie back in the day but not as something that seemed accessible. Plus, I had never personally known anyone to do it so I thought it was out of my league. But upon looking deeper into it, my eyes were opened to the opportunity awaiting. I couldn't help but think, Why haven't I looked into this sooner?
That day, I found aupairworld.com and signed up on a whim. Two days later, I had completely forgotten about it and moved on from my moody episode when I checked my e-mail to find multiple applications from families needing an Au Pair. At least 10 families had reached out to me and over the next week, applications kept rolling in. By the end of January, I was practically booking my flight to stay with a family in Italy! However, it didn't quite work out last minute and I thought, what a relief, it was all moving kind of fast.
Nine months later, a family from Spain that I had previously spoken with reached out. "I noticed you still have a profile on here and I would love to chat again if you are available to come in November," the mom had said.
It was mid-October and in reality, I didn't think it would be feasible. I had pushed aside the thought of being an Au Pair and was focused on saving money and finding a full-time fashion job. But, though the turnaround was tight, something inside told me not to say no just yet.
Day trip to Barcelona with my Au Pair little sister
As it turns out, that same week, a friend of mine found out that they had to leave their apartment by the end of October. The family needed me in Spain by the first week of November. Instantly, I felt as though everything was falling into place and the universe was telling me that it was time to take this chance. My friend took over my apartment and before I knew it, my flight was booked and I was off to Spain for six weeks. I decided that since I would already be in Europe, I would travel to different countries for two more months after the gig.
And that's how six countries, 10 cities and three months later, I'm wishing I would have jumped on and benefitted from this opportunity years ago instead of waiting until I was 26.
But I just didn't know! Being an Au Pair is the perfect launch pad for girls coming out of college who don't want to go into the workforce just yet or for young women who just want to travel in general. And while it is certainly not limited to girls in/finishing college, fewer responsibilities back home make it an opportunity more accessible for young women.
A photo taken by my Au Pair little sister in Catalunya, Spain
As I shared my travels on social media, many people reached out to me asking how my experience was, how I did it, and how they too could do it because they felt inspired. So, below is a round-up of key points from my experience as an Au Pair. I hope it sparks a fire in other travel-hungry women like myself and can specifically encourage more black women to seek this out as a travel opportunity.
What Is An Au Pair?
According to aupairworld.com, "An au pair is an unmarried young adult aged 18 to 30 years, who has no children and travels to a foreign country for a defined period of time to live with a host family. The au pair is considered as a full member of the family during the entire stay. As such, he or she helps the family with childcare and can be asked to assume some light household tasks. In return, the host family provides free board and lodging, as well as pocket money. However, the au pair is neither a housekeeper, nor a nanny."
From my research, it's true that Au Pairs do generally have to be under the age of 30. Many sources, such as AuPair.com, also state that having no kids of your own is a general requirement. However, with the site that I used, the terms and conditions are always personalized between the family and the Au Pair. Don't be discouraged based on these guidelines alone because I'm sure being 31, for example, would not count you out.
Photo by my Au Pair little brother while walking him to school
How To Get Started As An Au Pair
I used an independent website, aupairworld.com, in which both families and Au Pairs register for free. After registration, I simply made a profile featuring general information about myself, why I want to Au Pair, my experience with kids, and a few pictures. Families that register will also complete similar sections on their page. From there, the site's "easy find" feature is available to search for matching families. And, like in my situation, families will send applications directly to Au Pairs.
Screen shot of my profile on Au Pair World
How To Choose The Right Family
Of course, there's more to it than registering, picking the perfect family on paper, and flying to their home. After speaking with different families, I exchanged e-mails with my favorites. From there, our e-mail communication consisted of multiple questionnaires about each other, recommendations from close friends/acquaintances, and Skype calls. I also spoke with their previous Au Pairs for firsthand insight on the experience. Finally, I had my parents Skype with the family so they could all meet "face to face."
The family I ended up living with in the Catalonia region of Spain seemed perfect for many reasons. First, the children were 10 and 12 years old, which I felt was an opportunity to hang out with them and help them with English as opposed to caring for younger children, like toddlers. The daughter also dreams of being a fashion designer living in NYC and seeing as I live in NYC now and work in fashion, this was an awesome bonding experience waiting to happen. Finally, I had visited Spain before and knew I would love the opportunity to actually live in the country.
Visit to the Botanical Garden in my Au Pair town; Photo by Au Pair sis
Why Europe?
This was primarily a result of the families that contacted me, with most being from Spain and Italy. The website I used allows you to select the countries you are interested in, and Spain and Italy were among my choices. I also felt most comfortable being in Europe for an extended period as a solo traveler. I had studied abroad in London years ago and much of my international traveling has been in European countries such as France, the Netherlands, and Germany.
A colorful street in Blanes, Spain
What About Visas?
American citizens traveling to Europe for less than 90 days don't (shouldn't) need a special visa. I simply relied on my tourist visa. However, if a family wants you for longer, then they will likely apply through their government for you to stay legally over 90 days. The families typically indicate how long they want an Au Pair and you should also have an idea, right?
Do you want a short stay just to get a taste of another area? Or, do you want to immerse yourself in the culture for up to a year? Keep in mind, a longer stay probably equates to saving more money. This all depends on your expenses back home and what you want to do while you are abroad. Once you have a timeframe in mind, partner with your prospective family to tie up all the logistics and make sure any necessary paperwork is filed in a timely manner.
Standing on Sa Palomera in Blanes, Spain
What About Money And Travel Expenses?
Here is the tricky part. Technically speaking, as an Au Pair the main element to pay for is your flight there and back. You will be living with the family as a regular member, so food, toiletries, and all essentials are covered and sometimes transportation. Family-led activities should generally be covered, as well. Like how I was lucky enough to be offered an extra ticket to a Barcelona football match (a BIG deal) because my Au Pair mom's father couldn't make it, though the circumstances weren't as lucky for their previous Au Pair who decided to shell out a few hundred dollars for the chance to see the famed team play. And of course, there is also weekly pocket money for any activities you want to do in your free time.
Attending the Barcelona vs. Malaga football match at Camp Nou
With that being said, the pocket money is in no way a means to supplement an income. I would say a high average is about 100 euros/week, so 400 euros/month (about $430). This money is only meant to provide you with funds to enjoy yourself in and around your new city, not intended to support any financial responsibilities. Therefore, it is crucial to save if you want to take trips to surrounding countries, go on shopping sprees, eat fancy dinners, or do anything that cannot be sustained outside of a hundred bucks a week.
Eating mackerel in a ponzu sauce in Barcelona
I committed to my Au Pair family about three weeks before my scheduled arrival so I hustled to build up a small stash of funds before I left. Being able to travel through Europe after I was finished with my stint was the ultimate goal. Plus, I did not know when I would have the chance again. I saved about $1300 in those weeks, separate from my personal savings, and accepted that I would use my credit card when necessary. Due to a few setbacks on my trip, my money definitely ran out! But I still managed to keep traveling in Europe and made it back with plenty of stories to tell, despite not a lot of cash.
How To Find Cheap Flights For Country-Hopping
Once you are in Europe, it is easy and cheap to travel via planes and trains. My favorite sites to check for flights were lastminute.com and cheapoair.com. When I found low prices, I would then check the airline's website before booking because often it's even cheaper on their own site. One note is that many of these low-cost airlines do not allow free checked bags so travel light when possible. I always checked the airline's baggage fees before booking, knowing I would have to purchase at least one bag for my suitcase. Even with my bag, my flights averaged around $75 one-way to each country.
Photographing Lisbon's skyline on a weekend trip to Portugal
What Next?
Now, I'm back and I have tons of new destinations under my belt, unforgettable memories, and a new extended family on the other side of the world. At the time that I left, I was freelancing and did not have any major work commitments, so I had the flexibility to leave. I'm now back in the US and able to pick right back up where I left off and am glad I took the chance.
For those of you who may not find it so easy to go, I'm not saying to pick up and quit your job or leave your life behind. But for those of you who are looking for an outlet and a means to travel on your own terms, maybe becoming an Au Pair is the next right move for you.
For more on my journey, visit my blog Eclectic Culture.
Originally published September 12, 2017
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
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IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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