There was a time where you could turn on the TV and easily see an even-handed representation of Black folks just living their everyday lives. From the Evans, the Huxtables, the students on A Different World, to four best friends on Girlfriends, we saw the highs, lows and everything else in between. But somewhere in the mid-to-late 2000s onward, a chasm developed, separating the good from the bad with not much left in between.
Sure, we have the Beyoncés and the Oprahs. Combine this with expected culture shifts overall—including the advent of "ratchet reality TV"—a new portrayal of the Black experience has been ushered in, and it isn't always relatable.
Issa Rae had something to say about this recently when she spoke on a panel discussing femininity during this years' during Cannes Lions. She told the audience, "The positive portrayals over the last ten years are overcompensating for the negative portrayals."
And while it is true that the way we are portrayed in the media affects the way we not only view ourselves but also how other perceive us, this overcompensation is clearly starting to have a measurable impact. The Insecure creator and star goes further by saying:
"For black women, I tend to find it harmful that we have all the burden on our shoulders, to uphold this specific image. You see them as the strong, flawless, fierce type of woman. And even on a great day, I am never those things."
It's almost as if we as black women are held to this impossible to fulfill standard of excellence that the rest of the world doesn't quite have to meet. And for less money, too. No shade to Beyoncé or Oprah, but not all of us are always "on point." Characters like Olivia Pope captivated audiences as a Black woman at the pinnacle of her career known for her style, eloquence, and professional power. And while it's nice to see this and have something to aspire to, many of us are still just trying to figure it out. This undue burden leaves a lot of us feeling inadequate when we don't have all the pieces of our lives perfectly put together.
issa rae GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphy
Perhaps this is why Issa's character on Insecure has resonated so loudly with many women of color: she's just a regular woman trying to make her way through the world. Sometimes I too want to be seen as needing some assistance and a helping hand. I don't always want to do everything by myself all the time, even if I can actually do it all by myself.
Related: A Very Insecure Critic Gets A Lesson About Toxic Masculinity After Coming For Issa Rae
Rae also alluded to toxic masculinity during this discussion, which is also a topic that this upcoming season of Insecure plans to address. The 33-year-old refers to the newly released album by Jay and Bey (EVERYTHING IS LOVE), giving us a powerful takeaway message by saying:
"Even hearing that Jay-Z verse being thankful to Beyonce and all the black women in his life for putting up with his bullshit…And that's kind of [the idea of] what black women are currently, [that] they're going to be there when you need them. And that's absolutely not the case, for sure with anyone I know."
The mantra of the ride or die woman is ever present in our culture, but to what end? Some would argue that this mindset only adds fuel to the fire that Black women are somehow immune to the BS and that we can easily keep moving forward without any difficulty meanwhile waiting with open, forgiving arms when a man is ready to make amends.
This discussion revs to the anticipation of the third season of Insecure, which is set to premiere on HBO August 12th. To read more of the Cannes Lions panel discussion, head to the Hollywood Reporter.
What say you: are you a superwoman with the ability to forgive and forget when push comes to shove?
*Featured image by Rich Fury / Getty Images
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Now as far as how “common” it is, I’m not exactly sure. However, what I will say is that whenever I happen to share this concept with other individuals (clients included), 8 times outta 10, I basically get the same type of response. First, they look at me like I’m crazy, then they pause and reflect and then their mouth opens wide as if in shock that my sex-ex just may be onto something…BIG.
Now before we get into all of this, I’ll let you know, off the rip, that I can’t find an exact science to back his theory up specifically.
At the same time, though, there is other types of data surrounding the topic of sex and what it does to our minds that could cause you to believe that he’s not totally off base in thinking that a “sex clock” just might be an actual thing; that it’s something that hell, he should at do a Ted Talk — or YouTube video or Instagram Live — about so that more folks won’t think that they are going low-key insane should it happen to them.
Ah, sex clocks. Let me explain further.
This Is How Sex Affects Your Memory
GiphyIn order to lay some foundation here, let’s first talk about how sex affects your memory, in general. For starters, did you know that vagina-penis intercourse has actually been proven to improve both your learning capabilities as well as your memory (it also decreases anxiety and depression)? Probably the easiest way to explain how and why is when you engage in this type of sexual intimacy, it strengthens your hippocampus which is the part of your brain that is not only responsible for learning and memory but how you process emotions too. Okay, so intercourse between a man and a woman boosts memory power and also taps into one’s emotions. Bookmark that.
HuffPost published an article several years back entitled, “Sex And The Memory of Sexual Experience.” Two things that the article said was “Researchers are seeing that certain areas of the brain light up depending on the thoughts, actions and experiences of a person” and “The rush of 'love' chemicals; dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, opiates and other neurotransmitters, fill our body and brain quickly to produce the incredible feelings of love and attachment…” to the point where, if the action (in this case sex) happens several times, it can actually “codify” (makes plans or arrangements) your brain — and stays there.
Once that transpires, “our memories dictate how we will feel about a similar situation because our brain and body is coded from past experience.”
Now, if your brain can “code” the experience, don’t you think that it can also “code” the time when you were first introduced to the experience? Let’s keep going.
The Impact That Nostalgia Has on Your Sex Life
GiphyAh, nostalgia. If there’s one thing that is underestimated, far more than it ever should be when it comes to relationships, it’s that. In fact, I was recently in a counseling session with an engaged couple who happen to be each other’s first love.
What they are working through right now is if the potency of being each other’s first love is enough to get them through just how much they’ve changed since they first dated one another (chile, I totally get it; check out “What Happens When 'The One Who Got Away'...Comes Back?”). A part of the reason why it’s hard for them to process all of this clearly is because of the power of what nostalgia can actually do to a person.
Case in point. Although nostalgia — you know, reflecting on the past — can create warm fuzzies (if what happened in the past is good), it’s also the ultimate “editor” in the sense that, if you’re not careful, it can put you intoa state of denial about the entire experience. Not only that butnostalgia can get you to idealize situations too.
I totally get this because the guy who introduced me to the whole sex clock idea, although sex with him was pretty good (at least most of the time) and he actually was my first as far as certain types of sexual…umm…things…LOL, overall, he kind of was an ass yet because my memories of him would go to how he made me feel sexually first, whenever those texts would come, that would be the initial thing that I would think about — and if I did indulge him, it wasn’t until after a couple of weeks (or months) of copulation, with him, AGAIN, that I’d realize…”Ohhh, this is why I stopped sleeping with your ass…because you are an ass.” (Not mean or anything like that, just…selfish AF.)
Anyway, if you can relate on any level to what I’m saying here, just like the nostalgic memories of Thanksgiving or Christmas can do a real number on you every time the holiday season rolls around, why couldn’t the same thing happen if you recall the time of year when you had some amazing sex with someone and that month or season creeps back around too?
Yep. Bookmark all of this as well as we keep on going.Yes, Other Factors Play a Role in Your Peak Desires for Sex
GiphyIf you add to all of what I’ve already stated, the power of sexual chemistry — whew, chile. Definitely a part of the reason why some people tend to have a bigger sexual impact on us than others typically starts with sexual chemistry because that is all about the immediate physical attraction that you feel towards someone else — and that can’t be faked nor does it happen with just anyone.
Shoot, even when I reflect on my sexual past now, although I had pretty satisfying sex with about 75 percent of my partners, there are some who, to this day, are able to bring a certain smile to my face that others do not — and it’s because of the magnetic connection we shared and yes, having a deep mutual attraction definitely played a huge role in that.
If you then factor in the hormone levels/sex drive that you had at the time of engaging someone who you had a strong sexual connection with (for instance, if it’s someone from your 20s when most folks’ hormones are absolutely raging), the type of relationship that you had with that individual (for example, even if you weren’t officially together, they still made you laugh or feel safe or impacted you in a way that others didn’t or haven’t) and even if you take into account some of the other monumental things that may have been transpiring in your life at the time when you were being intimate with them.
Again, doesn’t it make sense that around the time when they first entered your world, sexually, your mind, body, and spirit may go back there and relive it all on some level, every time that time of year rolls around? Even if it’s just for a brief moment?
At Least Consider the Idea of a “Sex Clock” Before Taking Action
GiphyHmph. With all that has been covered, suddenly a “sex clock” makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean, even I will say that what’s truly wild about all of this is? Y’all, although the guy who brought it into my own psyche and I are pretty cool to this day, it’s been over two decades since we’ve messed around, and yet — a part of what caused me to even pitch this topic is because I thought about fall, how October is my favorite month of the year and yep, for a moment, he came to mind. Why? Because we started having sex in October. That damn sex clock.
So, when it comes to your own sex clock, just what should you do with this kind of information? I mean, you know how the saying goes: an ounce of prevention is certainly worth a pound of cure. Keeping that in mind, if you consider that memories, nostalgia, sexual chemistry, and your hormones are all science-based reasons to “crave” a blast from your past (pun intended and not intended), then when…whoever he is comes to your mind, now there is no need to overthink it or stress out about it. Maybe it’s just your sex clock alarm going off.
Acknowledge it. Woosah through it. And really ponder if replying to that text or DM is actually worth it.
Because sometimes alarms remind us to do something.
Other times? They warn us to wake up.
Especially when a (so-called) sex clock is involved, chile.
Feel me? Now, more than ever…I bet you do.
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Featured image by Giphy