Issa Rae Doesn't Think It's Fair Black Women Have To Be "Every Woman"
There was a time where you could turn on the TV and easily see an even-handed representation of Black folks just living their everyday lives. From the Evans, the Huxtables, the students on A Different World, to four best friends on Girlfriends, we saw the highs, lows and everything else in between. But somewhere in the mid-to-late 2000s onward, a chasm developed, separating the good from the bad with not much left in between.
Sure, we have the Beyoncés and the Oprahs. Combine this with expected culture shifts overall—including the advent of "ratchet reality TV"—a new portrayal of the Black experience has been ushered in, and it isn't always relatable.
Issa Rae had something to say about this recently when she spoke on a panel discussing femininity during this years' during Cannes Lions. She told the audience, "The positive portrayals over the last ten years are overcompensating for the negative portrayals."
And while it is true that the way we are portrayed in the media affects the way we not only view ourselves but also how other perceive us, this overcompensation is clearly starting to have a measurable impact. The Insecure creator and star goes further by saying:
"For black women, I tend to find it harmful that we have all the burden on our shoulders, to uphold this specific image. You see them as the strong, flawless, fierce type of woman. And even on a great day, I am never those things."
It's almost as if we as black women are held to this impossible to fulfill standard of excellence that the rest of the world doesn't quite have to meet. And for less money, too. No shade to Beyoncé or Oprah, but not all of us are always "on point." Characters like Olivia Pope captivated audiences as a Black woman at the pinnacle of her career known for her style, eloquence, and professional power. And while it's nice to see this and have something to aspire to, many of us are still just trying to figure it out. This undue burden leaves a lot of us feeling inadequate when we don't have all the pieces of our lives perfectly put together.
issa rae GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphy
Perhaps this is why Issa's character on Insecure has resonated so loudly with many women of color: she's just a regular woman trying to make her way through the world. Sometimes I too want to be seen as needing some assistance and a helping hand. I don't always want to do everything by myself all the time, even if I can actually do it all by myself.
Related: A Very Insecure Critic Gets A Lesson About Toxic Masculinity After Coming For Issa Rae
Rae also alluded to toxic masculinity during this discussion, which is also a topic that this upcoming season of Insecure plans to address. The 33-year-old refers to the newly released album by Jay and Bey (EVERYTHING IS LOVE), giving us a powerful takeaway message by saying:
"Even hearing that Jay-Z verse being thankful to Beyonce and all the black women in his life for putting up with his bullshit…And that's kind of [the idea of] what black women are currently, [that] they're going to be there when you need them. And that's absolutely not the case, for sure with anyone I know."
The mantra of the ride or die woman is ever present in our culture, but to what end? Some would argue that this mindset only adds fuel to the fire that Black women are somehow immune to the BS and that we can easily keep moving forward without any difficulty meanwhile waiting with open, forgiving arms when a man is ready to make amends.
This discussion revs to the anticipation of the third season of Insecure, which is set to premiere on HBO August 12th. To read more of the Cannes Lions panel discussion, head to the Hollywood Reporter.
What say you: are you a superwoman with the ability to forgive and forget when push comes to shove?
*Featured image by Rich Fury / Getty Images
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images