God and I have a tradition (several, but there is one in particular that I am going to share today): every time that my birthday and Rosh Hashanah roll around, I am given a word that basically sets the stage for how the following 12 months are going to go. As the (now and it’s so surreal to say) late Malcolm-Jamal Warner once said in an interview explaining why/how his earthly father gave him his name (which you can watch here), I too felt like our Heavenly Father had “set me up” when the word that I received right around June 17 was this one:
Ataraxia: a state of freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety, especially as an ongoing condition of soul-fulfilling attainment; unconditional tranquility
Boy, oh boy. Okay, so here’s how the dots connect. My mother, Gail Hamilton Masondo’s birthday, is two days before my own. She turned 75 this year. She has always battled with health issues, especially since her early 30s, and so for her to reach that age was a pretty major feat. In fact, around her day, I thought about how it was about this time, 30 years ago, when westernized medicine (insert eye roll here) had misdiagnosed her and said that she had cancer (when she actually had an autoimmune disorder called sarcoidosis). She had a trip planned for South Africa to co-executive produce a project called Place of Hope, and so she said, “If I am going to die, I’m going to see Africa first.”
When my late fiancé and I took her to the airport, she said that she sensed something was “off” before boarding the plane. There, she encountered a life-threatening-and-then-life-altering experience that ultimately confirmed to her that Johannesburg would be her new home, where she would eventually rebrand as a chaplain, life coach (yes, that has not escaped me), and mentor. Meanwhile here, my fiancé passed on November 3, 1995. This year marks both occasions. 30 years. THIRTY YEARS. And her Spidey senses? Spot-on. She knew life, as we both knew it, was about to change. Drastically so.
And then here we are now, 30 years later and about two weeks ago, I received an email. A deal that I had made with her husband, several years ago now, was to email me dire information. It’s wild that, on a Monday, Malcolm-Jamal Warner left us, and that had me like “What in the world?” That Friday, though (South African time…they are seven hours up from Nashville, TN)? My mother did the same, ironically, due to the very thing that she was told she had in the US three decades prior — and that has had me peacefully yet steadily processing some things…mostly because we were estranged at the time and had been for a while (about a year prior to the pandemic).
When you make the decision to “go dark” with a parent (something that is upticking by the day in this country — check out “10 Women Tell Me Why They Made The Decision To Be Estranged From Their Parent(s)”), a complex-yet-clear resolve is probably the best way to describe what it feels like. Yet as I have watched other people over the past several days try and process for me, project their stuff onto me and want to feel like they need to make sense of it all about my journey with my own mother — in a truly signature Shellie Renée Warren fashion, I have decided to channel my energy, not into defending or explaining but towards helping others, should they find themselves in a similar predicament. Because if one thing is sure, it is death. And when you are estranged from a parent…it puts you in a very unique and fragile club that needs a very special and specific kind of support.
I hope that I can provide, at least a bit of that, in some way, today.
What Led Me Here. The ‘Reader’s Digest’ Version.
First pic: my mom as many people here remember her. Second shot: her final photo.
If you’ve been following my content for a while, you’ve heard me reference my mother several times over before. For instance, as a quotes gal, one of my favorite quotes of hers is, “Discernment prevents experience from being your teacher” — and, as life would have it, that is a part of the reason why I made the decision to no longer have a relationship with her.
Let me semi-explain. Another “set me up” moment from God was him pushing me to finish my third book last year. While I thought the only reason was because I needed to mark the 20-year anniversary of the first one as accurately as possible — I now get that, because God knows the birth and expiration dates of us all and also because my mother and I weren’t speaking, when it came to her chapter (and there is one), he wanted me to tell the story with the mercy and grace that would come along with the awareness that she was still on this planet. Perhaps if it had been after her death, things would have been expressed a bit…differently. We will never know because, aside from my safe circle, beyond what I said in the book, I won’t be saying much else. Pretty much ever.
You can cop the read for some context for what brought me to the conclusion that things, intimately, needed to end. For now, I will just share a line that I wrote in it (paraphrased) — the very thing that made my mother professionally iconic is the same thing that ultimately fractionated us for good: she refuses to take “no” for an answer. In some ways, it has worked in her favor yet as Aristotle once said, “The excess of a virtue is a vice.” Balance. Life should always have balance.
How was her boundary-breaking rewarded? She was the manager of the multi-award winning group Take 6 during their first two classic LPs (check out “Spread Love Podcast #31 - Gail Masondo” where they gave her some of her flowers a few years back). Every time you listen to the Hallelujah chorus of Handel’s Messiah: A Soulful Celebration, you partly have her to thank, because she co-executive produced the project along with the late Norman Miller and late-and-beyond-great Quincy Jones.
My godchildren’s mom has shouted her out before in her Color Me Country radio show before because my mom was one of the founding board members of the Black Country Music Association. Yeah, my mother was such the ish back in the day that I remember when she let me choose between attending Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s wedding or spending the weekend at my then-best friend Angie’s house. I chose Door B.
And I think that’s a lot of what people don’t get. When you have an “industry parent,” how you think you know them is very different from how those of us in the home do. And although my mom was: physically beautiful (far more than she ever gave her own self credit for); a diehard New Yorker; extremely pro-Black, pro-woman and cultured; a lover of People Magazine and watching Entertainment Tonight (back in the day); gonna give you a Scripture and say something along the lines of “God has a plan that is customed made for your life” during almost every conversation; thoroughly a fan of pretty much every genre of music that you could imagine, a woman who could spend literal hours in bookstores (shout-out to the late Davis-Kidd Bookseller in Green Hills) and definitely someone who had no problem with going to movies alone; damn near a homeopath because she knew just about every herb (and its function) known to man; someone with a laugh that was loud, full and oftentimes caught you totally off-guard and was an Adventist to her core — my mom was also a survivor of some pretty dark generational curses. Haunting ones. And when things haunt you, they can creep up unexpectedly.
No time to get into all of that now yet I will say this: there was a year, in my 20s, when I let both of my grandfathers very much so have it for being very-much-less-than-stellar fathers to their children who also happened to be my parents. My mother’s name, Gail ironically means “father’s joy” and yet her dad? He too liked to use Scripture — oftentimes to weaponize, manipulate and deflect with it, though. And that left wounds — and contradictions — that lasted for a lifetime for her.
And so, when I came along — well, I’ll put it to you this way: my father (who has now been gone 11 years) used to tell me that I wasn’t human (the why is also broken down more in the book) while my mother said that I was her “warrior woman child” and that Satan has hated me since my conception. Which is why she shouldn’t have been (and probably wasn’t) caught off guard when I told her, at the age of 12, that I was going to break some generational curses in my family. Her immediate response, without hesitation? “Good luck. You’re going to be surprised by some of the ones that you’ll be up against.” She was right, which is perhaps why God came behind her during that same year and said, “Shellie, your health will always be intact but your heart will be broken often.”
He ain’t neva lied. Of course, not — he’s God. Because while so much of my family, generationally, on both sides, have survived generational woundedness, brokenness and peak toxicity, the fighting that I have been doing…at all costs…even at the expense of relationships with family members if need be? It has been heart-breaking sometimes, yes. Necessary, though? Absolutely. Because I don’t want to just survive curses; I want them to be thoroughly eradicated. I want to thrive and prosper beyond one of my other favorite quotes: “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” Not only that but when you know your purpose, it is idolatry to put any person, place, thing or idea before it. Including your DNA. And a part of my purpose has always been to yank out some of the roots that have caused my family trees to sometimes have some really strange fruit on them.
And so, in order to do that, some things, especially within my early 40s, revealed that although my mom was insightful enough to know that I was a natural fighter, I had to remove myself, so that wars wouldn’t continue between us. I was on a mission and so I couldn’t remain in certain cycles.
There is a Scripture that talks about Christ not bringing peace but a sword, even between family members at times, in order to correct some things (Matthew 10:34-36). That’s not poetry. That’s reality. And it was mine.
Interestingly enough, another profound point from my mom about me? “Shellie is very violent about her peace.” I always dug the phrasing of that and she would be correct because, one of the family curses, was the fact that so much education, so much religion, so much bougie rah-rah (one of her grandmothers was a buyer for Macy’s in New York while one of my dad’s grandmothers was one for Neiman-Marcus), so much “Let’s look right even if it ain’t right” was in my DNA that one thing that was lacking, for many if not most, was holistic peace. Folks would rather look the part than be the part. Me? Yeah, I’m good on that. Peace for $100, Alex — even if I’ve got to go to battle for it with the very people who made me…again, generationally so.
And so, in a nutshell, that is what led me to my decision to be estranged. I was doing the same things, with her, expecting a different result. It was time to let discernment be my teacher and that has ultimately kept me so much safer — sure with extreme sacrifices yet all have been worth it, because sacrifice, by definition, is about giving up something good (or good at times) for something even greater.
And it is within this state of peace that I want to offer up some tips — hacks, whatever you want to call it — for people who either are estranged or sense that it’s time to be and you’re just not sure how to navigate all that comes with it. Then I’ve got a few — eh hem — words for those of you who know folks who are “in the club” so that you will stop revictimizing them (whether you realize that is what you are doing or not).
3 “What I’ve Discovered” Tips for Estranged Children
This picture? It’s taken with a woman by the name of Carolyn Demonbreun, who was very dear to us, who passed a few years ago, on a Juneteenth no less (because you clearly see the hue — LOL). I’m sharing it to show that clearly my mother and I were still trying to figure out our relationship well into my adulthood. And listen, some things were great about those moments. It’s just that the high As didn’t overcompensate for the low Fs — ones that came with very few Cs in-between (shout-out to old-school report cards).
And that leads me to my first tip:
1. Remember that you are supposed to supersede your parents. I’m going to stick with Black culture here because that is what I care about most — and this thing that you should honor your parents (Exodus 20:12) as if the Bible doesn’t also say don’t provoke your children (Ephesians 6:4)? It really needs to stop. It’s like there is an enslaved mindset that it’s okay to endure mistreatment so long as it’s coming from your DNA when the reality is family should be the very people who are safe, both to and for you, at all times. And honestly, if more people took that seriously, they wouldn’t keep generational nonsense going.
They would get that a sign of breaking free is becoming a better version of self than your parents — no matter what the cost. If that is your ultimate goal, and you know that family is what’s standing in the way, don’t allow guilt, shame or fear prevent you from doing what needs to be done. Scripture tells us that perfect love casts out ALL fear (I John 4:18). Too many people let fear of family hinder them from self-love and learning how to love better than they were loved.
2. Count the cost. It will be high. When I first received the news of my mother’s shifting, I personally was at peace. It’s not that I didn’t have moments of sadness (c’mon, she’s my mom); however, what folks don’t get is that when you make such a drastic decision as to become estranged, you realize that 1) you’ve been grieving on some level the entire time which is why the choice needed to be made in the first place and 2) there is a death that has occurred once the estrangement begins. So, I wasn’t in the emotional state that many others were. I knew that the moment would someday arrive. Nothing about what I decided to do was romanticized.
Another Scripture to hold close: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” (Ecclesiastes 7:18 — Message) If you need to go to therapy, read books, pray and fast for days, weeks or months before making the decision to release a family member, especially a parent, DO THAT. That way, you can have as little regret as possible and you can handle all of the peanut gallery’s…let’s go with the words ego, ignorance and insensitivities.
3. Give whatever will fully release you from the estrangement (in the end). What I mean by that is this: As my mother’s husband was sharing some of the physical difficulties that she was experiencing in the midst of her transition, I asked him if he thought that her hearing from me would help. Because that not taking “no” for an answer thing? Even up until last fall, she had tried to connect. I didn’t want to risk the peace and wholeness that I had, though. Many times over, I had in the past and counterproductive is the word I will use for how things tended to play out. He said “yes” and so, I contributed to what I thought would help her to really relax and release.
We were estranged yet I took no pleasure in her suffering. If she needed to hear that she was loved, forgiven and that I would be fine, I would give her that — because it was true. And any of you who are questioning the forgiveness part — sometimes, in order to really forgive someone, you have to remove yourself from being tempted to not forgive them again should similar actions continue — because, as they say, the only way to predict the future is the past…until the past changes. In some ways, ours had. It many others, it never truly did. Sometimes estrangement is the ultimate act of forgiveness: I remove myself from never wanting to forgive you ever again (Matthew 7:14-15).
Estrangement isn’t easy — whether it is seasonal or permanent. Yet never let someone cause you to feel guilt or shame about doing what will keep you holistically safe. Because anyone who does? They are, ironically enough, unsafe.
Which leads me to my other set of tips…
3 Tips for Individuals Who Know People Who Are Estranged
Unsplash
1. Use some common sense instead of random presumptions and unhinged emotions. If you know someone who is estranged from a family member, especially if the member is a parent, ponder the fact that it must have been under some super extreme measures for them to come to that decision — and so no, they don’t need your insights and opinions on the matter. Whether you realize it or not, all you’re doing is revictimizing them. Boy, watching some people have an attitude because I’m estranged has been — “comically revelatory” is what comes to mind. Imagine losing a parent so that you can become a better version of yourself and folks acting like you somehow did something to them.
So many people are unsafe spaces, perhaps without even knowing it — or sadly, not even caring. Please don’t be one of those individuals. No one needs your permission or blessing to do what is best for them — and so no, they are not obligated to explain it to you in a way that makes sense to you. Do you hear how arrogant it sounds to think otherwise? Geeze, I certainly hope so.
2. Stop being a danger zone for those of us who made the decision. Speaking of arrogance, wanna see some real egos in humans pop up? Tell them that you choose to not have a relationship with someone who they like or admire (because there is a difference between the two). I’m telling you, God has brought some supernatural ataraxia into my space as certain individuals who I haven’t heard from in years have felt like they need to know why I’m not going to South Africa to formally send off my mother, what my personal thought processing is, and if I need to be reminded about how great my mother was in their eyes. Listen, the only contribution that is needed for a child of an estranged parent in this season is, “Sorry for your loss” and/or “You are in my prayers” and/or “Is there anything that we can do?” THAT. IS. IT.
Something else that I addressed in my book is the fact that, over the years, some of the most unsafe people I experienced were the modern-day Pharisees of the faith that I grew up in. Folks said that I lied about my sexual abuse (which is abusive). Folks invalidated some of my trauma. Folks even think that they need to decide if my experiences with my mom were damning enough for my ultimate decision. Listen, humans are going to human — my father used to tell me that all of the time. I will say this, though — knowing that we could separate from a relative…how much more are we willing to do the same when it comes to the crowd who taunts our resolves rather than supports them or at least has sympathy regarding them? Final point.
3. Stop projecting. It benefits no one. I’ve been very selective about who I talk to, outside of my safe space, since my mother’s transition. One of her friends — someone who has attempted to check on me for years now — we caught up and I chuckled when she said that when she and my mother talked about my first book, my mom said, “Why couldn’t Shellie just have written a cookbook?” Listen, my mother refused to speak to me for six months when I told her about that book deal and I think the very thing that she knew I was (a curse-breaker and very candid speaker), really challenged her at times. You know, sometimes it seems easier to stay in the familiar than to really do what is needed to fully and forever break free. And honestly, that was a part of our conflict as well.
Kind of like when Christ told his earthly parents about him needing to be about his Father’s business while they were freaking out and not understanding what was going on as he appeared lost and yet wasn’t (some of y’all will catch that later — Matthew 2:41-50). In real time, sometimes people who make radical life decisions end up saying something similar to others: y’all are projecting onto me what you would do if you were me yet you’re not. And to tell you the truth, if I am doing what keeps me in line with my life assignments and tasks at hand, resist the urge to assume that it is bad or that I am lost, just because you don’t get it. You don’t have to. Pray for; don’t prey upon. The first is beneficial. The second makes you a part of the problem.
___
It never fails. Every year, I find myself saying to someone I know that by the end of the 12-month cycle, some people are going to leave this earth who will catch me off guard. Gail Loress certainly wins that award in flying colors for 2025 (she even wrote a song in preparation for that moment: “When I Get Home” and yes, it is her singing it).
And yet, I am at peace. Sometimes I wear T-shirts that have my parents’ wedding announcement or wedding picture on them (not sure how thrilled they would be but…they should’ve thought about that before having me…just sayin’ — LOL). Because of the way she left the States 30 years ago, I have some generational art and evidence of her entertainment world accomplishments at my reach. Hell, I look in the mirror sometimes and see her staring right back at me or I will look at my hands as I am typing and be taken aback by the fact that they are just like hers and her own mother’s.
Being estranged doesn’t make you unaware. If anything, it makes you more sensitive to what’s around you and how you move in that energy than ever.
Her firstborn, born two days after her 24th birthday. Pretty sure neither one of us thought that things would end quite in the way that they did. Yet I do think that one day God will explain to her (if he hasn’t already) that sometimes, things don’t go as planned and yet they do work out for the best — because if it is what will ultimately bring spiritual growth and purpose fulfillment, mission has been accomplished.
Did I love my mother? No doubt. Liked a lot about her too.
Were things complex? You have no idea.
Am I at peace with my decision? Yes, I am. Violently so. Just as she’s always said.
A mother knows her child, after all.
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Featured image owned by Shellie R. Warren
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Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
You see the title of this piece. Unfortunately, it is not an exaggeration. If you give me a moment, I will try to explain what is going on and how you should move, going forward, if melatonin is something that you have been relying on in order to get a good night’s rest.
What Is Melatonin?
GiphyOkay, so what exactly is melatonin? It’s actually a hormone in your system that your body produces in order to regulate your circadian rhythm/sleep cycle. Since melatonin tends to kick in 1-3 hours before you turn in at night, that is actually why “losing an hour” (of sunlight) during this time of the year (check out “Is The Drama Of The One-Hour Time Change All In Your Head?”) can throw off your sleep patterns a bit.
If your body doesn’t seem to have enough melatonin naturally, you might find yourself taking a melatonin supplement in order to increase your melatonin levels, although it should go on record that melatonin is also used to treat seasonal depression; a form of reflux disease (GERD); migraines and headaches; fibromyalgia, and even certain types of anxiety. Melatonin also has a reputation for helping to regulate menstrual cycles and slow down the aging of skin and hair. Something else to keep in mind? When melatonin is in supplement form, oftentimes, it is synthetic, which means that it is made in a lab.
Okay, so clearly, melatonin is needed and, as a supplement, it has its benefits.
Then there is the other side of the story. One that just recently came out.
Why Is the Supplement Currently a Cause for Alarm?
GiphyGeeze. There really is no telling how many times I have shared one of my all-time favorite quotes in my content here: “The excess of a virtue is a vice.” Aristotle is the author and it is so very true — including when it comes to melatonin usage. Because here’s the deal: If you are relying on a melatonin supplement to get some sleep, it’s important to note that most health experts say that you shouldn’t take it for more than 1-2 months, tops.
One reason is because melatonin shouldn’t be a “solution” to your sleep problems, so if you can’t get rest without it after several weeks, it really is time to see your doctor. Another reason is because melatonin supplements do have some potential side effects including nausea, vomiting, irritability, restlessness and disorientation. And then there is what has recently come out about it: the possibility of heart failure and even death.
Wild, right? Here’s the deal about that. Did you know that, according to the American Medical Association, the FDA doesn’t regulate most supplements? So, in the case of melatonin, specifically, while one brand might contain a certain amount of it, another may have a ton more. And when someone uses melatonin, consistently, for 12 months or more, they put themselves at a whopping 90 percent increase of heart failure over those who don’t take the supplement at all (the same goes for individuals who have two melatonin prescriptions filled within 90 days of each other vs. those who don’t). Something else to keep in mind? People (involved in the study) who took melatonin were 3.5 times more likely to be hospitalized for heart failure than those who don’t use the supplement too.
Since this is relatively new research, experts are trying to get to the root of why all of this is the case; however, one cardiologist did say that sometimes insomnia itself is the result of an underlying health issue; sometimes one that has to do with one’s heart. So, taking melatonin might further mask a health problem that needs to be immediately addressed. Sleep apnea is one that he mentioned.
These are pretty alarming results, no doubt. Now does this mean that you should avoid melatonin like the plague altogether? Eh. It’s more like you shouldn’t be using it for more than a couple of months. You should talk to your doctor if you are “treating” your sleep issues with it. And it’s always best to find more natural approaches to getting things that you need into your body. When it comes to melatonin, specifically, I’ve got a few ideas.
Other Ways to Get More Melatonin into Your System
GiphyOkay, so what are some other approaches to getting melatonin into your body?
Eat foods that are high in melatonin. Some of them include almonds, fish, milk (which is why a cup of warm milk tends to help), mushrooms, grapes, pineapples and eggs.
Stay in the light as much as possible during the daytime. Something that I like is for it to be rainy, dark and cold (whatever haters — LOL). That’s why I had to adjust the twinkle lights in my living room during the daytime because your natural melatonin levels react to darkness. So, if you’re in the dark all day, that can have your levels all over the place come nightfall.
Make sure that your room is hella dark. Remember what I just said about darkness? Well, even dim light can suppress your melatonin levels. This includes your phone’s screen, okay? So, when it’s time to go to sleep — the darker your room is, the absolute better.
Go easy on the java. It doesn’t really make sense to drink coffee at night since it’s a stimulant; however, even if it’s your jam throughout the day, 1-3 cups should be your limit and definitely earlier in the daytime. The reason? Some studies reveal that caffeine has a way of lowering your natural melatonin levels.
Have more sex. I don’t know too many people who don’t have a GREAT night’s sleep after sex. One reason why is because certain hormones within the body increase during the act; one of them is — yep, you guessed it — melatonin.
5 Other All-Natural Sleep Supplements to Consider
GiphySo, now that we’ve unpacked the current issue with melatonin supplements, if you’re wondering if there are any other sleep-based alternatives for you to consider, the answer is “yes” and here are a few of ‘em.
1. Magnesium. Something that I am forever going to be a fan of is the combination of magnesium, calcium and zinc. All work together really well to calm your nerves, so that you can sleep more soundly. When it comes to magnesium, specifically, it helps to regulate your natural melatonin levels while also relaxing your muscles, so that the quality of your sleep improves.
2. Vitamin D. Vitamin D makes the list because there are studies which say that vitamin D deficiencies are linked to certain sleep disorders. This makes sense when you factor in that vitamin D helps to create natural melatonin, it helps to keep your circadian rhythm where it needs to be and it also reduces bodily inflammation (which can also affect sleep patterns).
3. CBD Oil. Although the FDA doesn’t (currently) consider CBD oil to be a supplement, it tends to be marketed as one which is why it also made the list. Since cannabidiol (CBD) is widely used for to bring relief to pain and anxiety, that is why many enjoy using it as a sleep agent as well.
4. Roman and German Chamomile. Did you know that there are different forms of chamomile? Well, the ones that help with sleep (most) are Roman and German. That’s because both contain a flavonoid called apigenin that has a sedative effect to it. When it comes to this suggestion, individuals oftentimes prefer it in tea form.
5. Glycine. If you’ve never heard of glycine before, it’s an amino acid. When it comes to sleeping, a lot of people like it because it’s been proven to help you fall asleep faster, it soothes your muscles and joints and it also helps you to stay asleep once you fall asleep.
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I know that reading something like this can potentially freak you out. Again, if you’re not downing melatonin like candy and you’re not on it for months and months at a time, you should be fine. If you are on edge, hit up your doctor; they will be happy to explain things further and deeper, I’m sure.
In the meantime, if melatonin is your thing — moderation, please.
After all, the supplement was supposed to be a temporary “fix.” Never a permanent cure.
Which is really what the study is reminding us of.
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