Prayer 101: Here's How To Talk To God
Growing up in a Christian household, I was always taught that having a relationship with God is important. I'd see this shown through the examples of immediate family members who were never shy about learning and mastering how to talk to God through prayer. For many, it's a way to relieve stress, usher in blessings, have quiet time, and release mental and spiritual baggage. It is also a vital aspect of being a Christian (as reflected in Philippians 4:6) and allows us to humble ourselves before God (2 Chronicles 7:14), gain wisdom (Daniel 1), and open our hearts for revelations and instructions (Jeremiah 33:3). Whew sis, I know that was a lot of Bible verses, but they are a true indication of why prayer is necessary.
I remember being 11 and reading a book by Judy Blume called "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret." It was an eye-opening exploration of a preteen going through a lot of changes—awaiting her first time menstruating, having her first kiss, understanding her parents' interfaith marriage, and facing peer pressure. I'd known a lot about the church's version of connection with God but this was the first time I could directly relate to developing one on my own terms.
Image via Tenor
Since then, I've seen so many things manifested in my own life through prayer alone, especially during pandemic-related challenges related to finances, employment, and family relationships. Like literally, after I've prayed, issues were either resolved, on the way to being resolved, or didn't bother me as much as they did before I prayed about them. And there are millions of people who pray at least once a day. Many successful leaders can even attest to the power and importance of prayer, from Oprah Winfrey and Beyonce, to Denzel Washington and Chance the Rapper.
You don't have to be perfect, a minister, super-sanctified, or super-educated to pray. All people are welcome to talk to God (1 Timothy 2) and to be blessed by communicating with Him (Matthew 5:6).
If you find yourself stuck on how to talk to God or you need to reconnect, try these 5 steps that have been helpful in my journey:
Image via Giphy
1. Talk to God, frankly, about your thoughts—or even doubts—about prayer.
It might seem strange at first, but I've found it helpful to simply go to God as if I'm talking to a trusted loved one. I mean, He is indeed our Father (1 Corinthians 8:6), so why not? You might feel a bit intimidated or silly at first, but go to God and tell him about those feelings. (I still do this. No lie. just the other day I said, "God, I feel super-stupid right now, and I'm mad. Can you please help me to understand and to overcome the anger? Can you help me at least accept and make the necessary changes I need to?)
What's going on in your life? What are you grateful for? What are you confused about? What's bothering you? What would you like to accomplish? Don't get caught up in formalities. (Matthew 6:7 touches on this.)
You can pray with your eyes closed, open, standing, kneeling, quiet, or loudly in a space of your choosing. (I've excused myself at work to go to the bathroom and pray, I've prayed even while someone is speaking to me—especially when I've felt disrespected or "tried" as they say—and I've prayed while in rush-hour traffic, eyes open, of course!) If you feel the urge to kneel, do that. If you need to shout, do that. If you need to cry, let it out. If it's one sentence or a whole hour-long session, that's fine, too. Just have a conversation and be candid. Sit quietly in silence when you can't find the words. You can even write down your thoughts and read those words in your prayer.
If you feel insecure about doing this or think it's not "proper," ask God, "Well, why does 'being proper' matter so much? God, please reveal things to me about the way in which to pray." Take a step forward and God will do the rest.
2. Start with the basics: 'The Lord's Prayer.'
One of the first prayers I learned as a child (other than the usual dinnertime rhyme "God is great, God is good..." ) was "The Lord's Prayer." Jesus offers this prayer in Matthew 6:9-13, and it covers respect of God, forgiveness of others, protection from evil, and coverage of your needs. Throughout my life I've come back to this prayer, and though it might seem a bit formal, it's a go-to for me.
Even at a time where I'd totally turned away from religion and spirituality altogether—and had gotten into some pretty dangerous situations during a dark period of my life that involved a lot of drinking, partying, and tolerating unhealthy abusive relationships—this prayer would be on replay. It was like God had followed me, a phenomenon I'll never forget and will forever be grateful for. It's an empowering prayer, and when I really dig deep into the words and their meaning, I get a sense of boldness and peace.
Other places in the Bible where you can find inspiring and empowering prayers include Psalms 63 (praise), Psalms 51 (forgiveness and redemption), Psalms 30:6-12 (endurance), Psalm 23 ("The Lord is My Shepherd").
Image via Giphy
3. Read about the prayer practices and experiences of others.
I'm huge on asking God questions and just questioning any notion that is presented to me. It's part of the reason I became a journalist. (Hey, it was either study media or go to law school.) I used to fear that I'd be cursed or sent to hell for questioning God, but then I found out by reading and talking with people who have a balanced relationship with spirituality that being inquisitive and keeping it real with God is not a bad thing. (And just read James 1:5-6 to see what I'm talking about.) My mom, a minister and someone who has a special nuance with counseling women, used to always tell me, "Janell if you have questions or doubts, talk to God about them. Humbly ask him to open your heart and mind. Ask for wisdom. You will get what you ask for."
Gaining a connection with God is a journey, and reading up on spirituality to learn about the experiences of others often provides confirmation or answers to questions I've posed during prayer. Watching videos or listening to podcasts about people's real-life personal stories involving prayer (such as this one featuring author Priscilla Shirer or the "Behind Her Faith" series and podcast) helped me understand and relate more to the practice of prayer. It also helped to read about how someone specifically applies prayer to their process in facing challenges. (Try stories like this one and these.)
4. Join a prayer group or get a prayer partner.
I used to be totally against prayer groups and hotlines because I'd gotten to a point that I preferred prayer alone and in private, but my sister changed my mind on this. I'd noticed the boost in strength, confidence, and comradery she'd find in praying with other women—whether in person or via phone. The Bible even touts the significance of praying with unity with and for others (Matthew 18:19-20 and James 5:14-15). Listen, any effort done in numbers increases in power, and if you're new to praying, it's good to pray with someone who might have a bit more experience, have a special gift for prayer (1 Peter 4:10-11), and who can prepare us to feel at ease to begin praying on our own.
Tap into your network to find believers to pray with, or try a hotline. The Christian Broadcast Network has an awesome prayer line where you can talk to a live person and make requests, and many local churches offer phone or video prayer services. Utilize all of your resources and have patience.
5. Invest in a daily devotional or prayer resource.
To remain connected to prayer and making it a regular part of your life, having devotionals or other resources is a must. I love books like "Starting Your Day Right" by Joyce Meyer, "When Women Pray" by T.D. Jakes, "Fervent: A Woman's Battleground for Serious, Specific, and Strategic Prayer" by Priscilla Shirer, and "Servant Leadership" by J. Oswald Sanders. This women's devotional bible also is a favorite of mine. All of these books provide positive, easy-to-understand insights on faith, prayer, connection with God, and self-reflection.
There are also a few cool apps out there like Abide (which includes affirmations and Bible-based sleep meditation resources) and Echo Prayer (which offers reminders via phone or email and the option to share your favorite prayers with family and friends.) YouTube has some good prayer resources as well, and one I particularly like and consistently listen to is Daily Effective Prayer.
Prayer is personal, dynamic, and essential, and the way you choose to pray evolves along your spiritual journey. I find joy in the process, continue to seek God even when I've fallen off a bit, and strive to do whatever it takes to become stronger and stronger in the practice of it. I hope you will, too.
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 8 Scriptures That Remind Us To Trust In God - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- LeToya Luckett On The Prayer Of Graditude That Led Her To Her ... ›
- The Power Of The Bible & How It Can Help You Overcome Negative ... ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by CoffeeAndMilk/Getty Images