In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
As we navigate this world, we all are given different opinions and perspectives on how we should be. We've been told to be kind, not mean, be brave, not afraid, and be selfless, not selfish. I don't know about y'all, but as I've gotten older, the definition of these things have definitely shifted for me. Now that I am in my 30s, my definition for being brave may be different from someone else's. Even with the word 'selfish' and the negative association to it, I am sure it leaves a bad taste in your mouth just by saying it. But if I am being honest, being selfish does not have to always be a bad thing.
There are nuances about selfishness that are actually very healthy, especially for those who consider themselves people-pleasers or huge givers. Now I am not saying that giving to others is something we need to stop doing. We all need support and that sense of community. All I am proposing is pivoting our mindsets a little when we think about the word 'selfish' because in reality, focusing on our well-being should be a priority. Taking care of ourselves and putting ourselves first should not be frowned upon.
Recently, I had an amazing conversation with actress Zuri Adele, a woman who made the decision to be selfish through self-choosing, and she hasn't looked back since. Zuri grew up between Palo Alto, California, and Brooklyn, New York. She studied acting at Spelman College, the British American Drama Academy, and UCLA's School of Theater, Film, and Television. Outside of acting, Zuri is very passionate about wellness. In addition to teaching acting at the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa and UCLA's TFT, she's led yoga classes, voice workshops, and curated wellness experiences within her communities.
Zuri is well known for her role as Malika Williams on Freeform's series Good Trouble, a spin-off from The Fosters where viewers follow two sisters, Callie and Mariana, as they move to The Coterie in downtown Los Angeles. They meet their new neighbors and journey through their new lives in LA. One of those neighbors is Malika (played by Zuri), a Black Lives Matter activist, and her story centers around showing up for social justice while exploring intersectionality in romance and human identity.
Courtesy of Rikers Brothers
What I love about Zuri playing the role is that showing up for yourself is what this character is all about. The actress has learned through trial and error that as Black women, we do ourselves a disservice by not choosing ourselves first, before we give to others. She shared, "Once I started to learn that self-choosing ripples in such a major way to everyone including myself, it's bigger than me at that point. It is actually more selfish of me to try to be perceived as a good person by doing something that I honestly don't want to do."
In this installment of Finding Balance, xoNecole talks to Zuri about living a liberated life, unlearning certain definitions of selfishness, and the importance of moving your body.
xoNecole: What have you learned from your 'Good Trouble' character, Malika, that has helped you figure out your personal why?
Zuri Adele: I love that question. Thank you for that. Something that I continue to learn through Malika is that everything we do is connected to a divine purpose. I strongly believe in this system from merging with Malika. For instance, my purpose as an actor is that I am a griot. I am a storyteller. I am here to pass on as many stories as I can through my body and voice. Malika is my soulmate in a sense because she is so passionate about collective and Black liberation. She is a griot in her own right and she reminds me that our best life is a liberated one. As one of my best friends recently reminded me, living your most liberated life is your life's purpose.
"Living your most liberated life is your life's purpose."
On the show, we see how Malika is showing up for herself and others through activism. For you, how are you showing up for yourself unapologetically on a daily basis?
I have really been reflecting on this recently. How I like to show up for myself is to make sure that my cup is overflowing. In order to do anything, I try to stay as consistent as I can with my morning and night routines. As creatives, our schedules can get a little hectic, but as long as I carve out some time for me to pour into myself, that is something I prioritize. Trusting my intuition and when my body tells me I need to give it attention has been the best way in taking care of myself.
At what point in your life did you understand the importance of pressing pause and finding balance in both your personal and professional life?
It has really been through trial and error. It has really been through hitting my limits and facing the consequences of doing that. Whether it's people-pleasing, appearing selfless, and just avoiding other people's reactions of how I come off if I act otherwise. Doing that really had cost me money, my health, my peace, and my confidence. Experiencing that made me take a step back and say, 'Wait a minute, I can not survive like this.'
When I did start speaking up more for myself, the outcome actually went above and beyond what I expected. Once I started to learn that self-choosing ripples in such a major way to everyone including myself, it's bigger than me at that point. It is actually more selfish of me to try to be perceived as a good person by doing something that I honestly don't want to do.
"Once I started to learn that self-choosing ripples in such a major way to everyone including myself, it's bigger than me at that point. It is actually more selfish of me to try to be perceived as a good person by doing something that I honestly don't want to do."
Courtesy of Rikers Brothers
What have you discovered through self-choosing that you would like other women to know?
For me, it is really about unlearning the selfish narrative. For so long, I had an adult in my life that would call me selfish when I would self-choose. I really want to encourage people to not listen to those negative voices that are inside of our heads. By choosing myself, I am choosing everyone I am connected to. Self-choosing is also a way we accept our abundance. The more we responsibly choose our abundance, we make room to be able to be of service to others. There are so many moments when we as Black women are taught that we need to put our masks on last, but it's really the exact opposite.
"By choosing myself, I am choosing everyone I am connected to. Self-choosing is also a way we accept our abundance. The more we responsibly choose our abundance, we make room to be able to be of service to others."
What are your mornings like?
When I wake up in the morning, I like to do a morning meditation for about five minutes. Then, I like to read Iyanla Vanzant's devotional book Acts of Faith. I make sure that I do not respond to any calls or messages until after I have read my devotion. I also try to move my body as much as I can. I practice martial arts, yoga, and I have a spin class that I like to go to. I don't believe I have to go through the same loop of routines. I just have to do something where I can move my body. [There are] those t-shirts that say, "I'm sorry for what I said before I ate," [but] my shirt would say, "I'm sorry for what I said before I moved my body."
How do you wind down at night?
If I didn't get to work out, then I would work out at night. After that, I would shower to cleanse the day off. I like to light some candles and get my skincare routine going.
What are your top three favorite self-care practices?
Gardening and taking care of my plants is one of my favorites. Another practice I love to do is acupuncture. It has been really helpful for me. Last but not least is skincare. I don't know what it is, but I didn't know I was going to get so hooked on it [laughs]. Skincare makes me feel like I am just releasing all the toxins out of me.
Courtesy of Rikers Brothers
How do you find balance with:
Friends?
It has been really helpful to know that I am not alone, especially during the pandemic. One thing I will say that my friends and I do is speak up more about what we need. We all work in different fields, so we have different needs. We show up for each other when we can and respect each other's boundaries as well. Making sure that I stay connected to my friends, who are Black women, not only helps me with filming Good Trouble, but also grounds me in my sisterhood and community.
"Making sure that I stay connected to my friends, who are Black women, not only helps me with filming Good Trouble, but also grounds me in my sisterhood and community."
Love/Relationships?
I am really trusting my intuition with what works for me as far as dating. Overall, I have been noticing the red flags way sooner than I did before and simply owning what I need. I actually just hired a matchmaker and it has been really fun! I learned about her on the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. She said this quote in her interview that really stuck with me. So I posted the quote on Instagram and tagged her. She later reached out to me and told me she would love to match me. Her company is called The Broom List and it has been really dope so far!
When you're going through a bout of uncertainty or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
Therapy is No. 1. I started therapy a little over two years ago. I can't even tell you what I was out here doing before that. Just having that private sacred place to talk through anything has been life-changing. I am able to recognize certain patterns from my past and navigate through that better. I also want to mention the importance of being still. Stillness and not rushing myself has been really helpful for me. I am one of those people who needs time to process to respond how I need to in certain situations. The answer is always within yourself. You just need time to carve out all the noise.
"I am one of those people who needs time to process to respond how I need to in certain situations. The answer is always within yourself. You just need time to carve out all the noise."
And honestly, what does success mean to you? What does happiness mean to you?
Well, in some ways, right now success and happiness go hand in hand, definitely more than they did before. Success and happiness both feel like liberation, and to me, that feels like peace. Happiness doesn't necessarily mean joy. Happiness means peace and knowing that everything is in divine order. Success is when you are living your most authentic liberated life as best as you can with the resources that you have.
I envision myself in a meditative position and, [although] there is a tornado or a bunch of moving pieces around me, I am seated on the ground and still. That is what success and happiness looks like to me. To know that no matter what is going on around me, internally, I am at peace.
For more of Zuri Adele, follow her on Instagram here.
Featured image courtesy of Rikers Brothers
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A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Oh, but there are plenty of people whose egos have them thinking that they can read someone else’s mind. Then there are others who have fantasies, which create unrealistic expectations that others in their lives actually should read their mind. And you know what — both of these things can cause unnecessary stress, drama, and trauma, if folks aren’t careful.
And that’s why I think it’s important that we unpack this a bit more. Because if you’re someone who thinks that if another person truly cares for you, they should be able to read your mind, it’s time to let that ridiculous yet semi-popular notion absolutely and completely go.
Here’s why.
It’s Scientifically Impossible for Someone to Read Your Mind
There are a couple of reasons why I am starting this off with R&B singer Avant. For one thing, I don’t think that he gets nearly enough flowers and secondly, clearly, this is a more-than-fitting song for today’s topic, wouldn’t you say? Because, lawd, there really is something that makes some of us feel all warm ‘n fuzzy about the mere thought of a man telling us that he is so in tuned with us that he can basically read our mind.
Hmph. Problem with that is, as I said in the intro, it is scientifically impossible (for us and for AI to do, praise the Lord!). And yet the fact that so many individuals think that they defy scientific data and research is oftentimes why there are so many breakdowns in communication — because if you run on assumption (that you can read someone’s mind) without clarification and confirmation, you can create issues that didn’t exist before you decided to fall for your own mind-reading theories.
Now to be fair, while science is still trying to figure out why we can’t read minds, what is sure is that we do have the capability to perceive the thoughts and actions of others if we’re willing to pay really close attention. However, do keep in mind that reading and perceiving are different. Reading? It’s about being able "to apprehend or interpret the meaning of" and "to anticipate, expect, or calculate by observation." Perceiving? It’s all about “to become aware of, know, or identify by means of the senses” and “to recognize, discern, envision, or understand.”
And already, do you see the differences? So much certainty comes with reading while perceiving is about humbling oneself (bookmark that) to not try to know everything but instead to try and understand what is transpiring. And since no one person (or their mind) is ever truly static, that is a huge part of the reason why believing that you can read someone’s mind — no matter how close you may be to them — is futile. You can change your mind on a dime. Others can do the same. Learning to perceive what is going on instead of assuming that you can “read” folks is far more beneficial.
Besides, you might be surprised by a particular demo who thinks that if you are truly who they need you to be, you will read their minds — and boy, once you know who they are, that may cure you of the whole “read your mind” ish…quick, fast and in a hurry.
The Expectation Is Oftentimes Rooted in Egomania
GiphyWhile doing a bit of research on this topic, I thought it was interesting that a particular type of person kept coming up. Can you guess which one? A NARCISSIST. What I kept noticing is a telling sign of a narcissistic individual is they expect others to read their mind.
I must admit that I was caught off guard by that at first because narcissists and their damn egos are so out of control (bookmark that) that it would seem like they would be more focused on acting like they know the thoughts of other people. Here’s the thing, though — the reason why narcissists want others to read their mind is because they want you to do things like guess what they want and need before they ask — and they want that to happen because they believe that they are so damn special that you should put in the extra blood, sweat and tears to figure it all out. Hmph. Now that tracks.
Another reason why narcissists want you to be able to read their mind is so they can manipulate and deflect. Meaning, if you say and do things based on what you thought they wanted you to, should everything crash and burn, they can dodge accountability and blame you for it. Hmm, does reading someone’s mind seem romantic and beautiful now? SMDH.
And again, all of this is tied to ego because, at the end of the day, mind-reading is a form of control and narcissists are definitely very controlling people. And honestly, mind-reading is as well because why do you even want to know someone’s private thoughts before they share them and, at the same time, why would you want someone to have that kind of power in your life either? “Eww” is what immediately comes to my mind. “Yuck” is what follows.
So, why is it that so many people think that it’s a good thing to have someone read their mind — I mean, the ones who don’t show narcissistic tendencies, that is? Good question.
5 Reasons Why Some People Wish Someone Would/Could Read Their Mind
GiphyOkay, so ego and pridefulness aside, what would be some other reasons why people think that it’s such a wonderful thing if someone who they are in some sort of intimate relationship with can read their mind.
1. They are caught up in Disney and rom-coms. One day, I am going to do an article on all of the ways that Disney and rom-coms have destroyed the reality of relationships. For now, I’ll just say that the scripted tales of both have caused a lot of people to think that if someone loves them, they should be able to read their mind. Nooo…if someone loves you, they should care to know what is on your mind. And that brings me to the second point.
2. They aren’t as good at communicating as they think. Are you a good communicator? One way to know if you are is you’re able to clearly articulate your wants and needs — because really, if you are able to do that, why should anyone even need to read your mind? Feel me? Let’s move on.
3. They want someone else to work harder at their relationships than they do. I say it in my sessions often — it’s beyond crazy to think that someone should work harder at figuring out what your wants, needs and expectations are than you are willing to express them. Hmph. It makes me think of a friend of mine who says that “should” is a dangerous word. What she means by that is saying that someone should do or not do something simply because YOU THINK that’s how it “should” go is a surefire way to stay disappointed and even be disillusioned. No, your man shouldn’t just know what you want every year for your birthday. Did you state it? If not, why aren’t you playing fair? Who has time for all of the guessing games and then getting penalized if they guess wrong? Stop it.
4. They think it’s the sign of a healthy relationship (it isn’t). Anyone who knows me knows that I am always and forever going to be Team Healthy over Team Happy and my reason why never changes. Only children expect to live in a world where they are happy all of the time — and yes, there are a lot of childish people out here. People who want their mind read? They tend to live in happy land. Meanwhile, a healthy relationship knows that clear communication, mutual respect, keen listening, patience and understanding that humans make mistakes are foundational to its success.
5. They are lazy. And yes y’all, some people want others to read their mind because they are lazy and it really is just as simple as that. Thing is, while they are being passive aggressive, dropping hints or giving the silent treatment so that you can figure out whatever it is that they…want you to figure out, that tends to take more effort than simply speaking up. Ridiculous, chile.
How to Let the Myth Go
GiphyGee, after reading all of this, suddenly reading minds just seems like a lot of silliness with a sprinkle of drama and potential trauma, doesn’t it? And it’s all because some people choose to treat something that is a myth like it’s a bona fide fact. SMDH.
And what if you happen to be one of those individuals? How do you break free? COMMUNICATE. Openly, clearly and maturely share what’s on your mind and heart because, the true tell of a solid relationship isn’t that someone can read your mind; it’s that they can retain what you’ve already stated.
Less reading. More perceiving. That’s the secret sauce.
And when you accept this for what it is, you will realize that it’s far better for you, your partner and your relationship to stop expecting the impossible and to accept what is actual: that learning your partner, as they strive to do the same thing with you, is better than you both assuming that you know what…maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
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Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “People can’t hear what you don’t say. Thinking isn’t communicating” — and I think this is a perfect place to bring all of this to a close.
Find the kind of relationship(s) where intention is so strong that mind-reading isn’t even desired.
At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
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