'Young Thang Chronicles': 4 Pros And 4 Cons To Dating A Younger Man
Yeah buddy. Let's do this. Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me if, due to my age and because I've never been married before, would I be open to dating or marrying a younger man. While I personally think that what qualifies as being any real significant age difference is a guy who is more than five years younger than I (or you) and since I've never done that before, I had to give the question some real thought. The main reason is because I know a lot of people, both in my family and out, who have done this and boy — has it been quite the roller coaster ride.
So, let's explore. When it comes to dating a man who is more than five years your junior, like most things in life, there are highs and potential lows; especially if you want to go the distance. And since I'm all about an ounce of prevention being worth far more than a pound of cure, there's no time like the present to get real — about both.
PRO #1 of Dating a Younger Man: So Much Is Fresh, New and Exciting
If there is a man who happens to be tiptoeing in and reading this, please know that I mean absolutely no disrespect when it comes to the comparison that I'm about to make. That said, what's one of the most fun things about watching a newborn baby grow up? Everything is new to them which makes it enjoyable for us to witness. Along these same lines, when you've had a few years up on someone, there's a really good chance that there are some "been there, done that" experiences that you've had that they haven't yet.
Still, to go through those things all over again while seeing it through their eyes, that can be fresh, new, and exciting. At the same time, because younger people oftentimes like to take more risks, they may be able to convince you to try things that you would've never considered — or thought yourself out of — had they not been in your life to make the recommendation. And that can make living the current season of your life super exhilarating.
PRO #2 of Dating a Younger Man: There’s a Great Chance Your Libidos Will Be in Sync
I'm pretty sure you've heard somewhere that a part of the reason why a lot of older women and younger men "vibe" so well is because their sexual peaks gel together, extraordinarily so. While it has been reported that a lot of men peak in their 20s as we peak in our 40s, there is also data to support that many men get their "second run" in their 50s, so to say that you should be with a younger guy because the sex is automatically going to be better isn't necessarily the case. Honestly, as a marriage life coach and doula, what I've observed about the sexual compatibility of older women and younger men is multifaceted.
For one thing, once a woman has hit menopause (check out "Sex And Menopause. What You Should Know."), if there's one thing that she doesn't have to worry about, it's getting pregnant which can cause her to relax in sex a whole lot more (you'd be AMAZED by how many men have told me that the sex got so much better once their partner knew they couldn't get pregnant again under any conditions). Secondly, a lot of times younger folks are still trying to figure out what works for them and what doesn't, so they may be more open to trying "unconventional things"; when you pair that up with the experience of an older partner, it can really cause the sex to go totally off of the charts.
Third, a lot of younger guys have higher testosterone levels, so while older men may be able to "love you down" well the first round or two, after that, they might be ready to call it a night while younger ones can oftentimes be like energizer bunnies. So yeah, if you feel like you've got your second wind and you're in your late 40s-50s, this can definitely be a solid reason to consider hooking up with someone who is younger than you are.
PRO #3 of Dating a Younger Man: Younger Men Tend to Me More “Flexible”
On the heels of what I just said, while it might seem like I'm talking about sex, I'm actually talking about how much younger men tend to be less set in their ways than older men and ourselves. Even if you're 50 and you're dating someone who's 30, while he is still a grown-ass man, you've got 20 more years of experience and came-to-the-conclusion resolves than he does which means he's still probably more willing to compromise than a man who is the same age as you may be. Plus, since no relationship really works or lasts without flexibility, dating a younger man could help you to go the distance with someone else while also teaching you to be a little less "set in your ways" (or dare I say it…stubborn).
PRO #4 of Dating a Younger Man: Less Years (Usually) Means Less “Baggage”
I'm not sure why the word "baggage" triggers so many people because, if you're human, you have some. And yes, the more years that you've been on this planet, the more baggage you've probably got. That's why I don't get people who have a hard time (sometimes to the point of being patronizing and condescending as all get out) with getting involved with people who haven't slept with a lot of folks or dated a ton of people. Although we live in a culture that seems to jeer at innocence and inexperience, I personally find a lot of it to be quite refreshing. If you're someone who can help a younger man to learn more about love, to see the world through another set of experienced eyes, or to consider other possibilities — what's wrong with that?
If you end up casually dating a younger man, it evolves into something serious and he's never been in something as significant before — what's wrong with that? If until you, he's never gotten so many stamps on his passport or knew that intimacy could be the way that he's had it with you — what's wrong with that? While a benefit to having a lot of life experience could be wisdom (wisdom isn't automatic; it's a choice), a benefit to not having much at all is that you're a clean(er) slate that is willing to be less (potentially) jaded and cynical. For the life of me, I don't know how this isn't a huge plus. I really and truly don't.
CON #1 of Dating a Younger Man: You’re in Different Seasons/Stages of Your Life
Recently, while channel surfing, I stopped at a particular reality show and then got super triggered because it hit a little too close to home. A woman, who is currently dating a younger man, was trying to convince him to help her to raise her young daughter while also trying to convince him to not want to have any kids of his own because she has already tied her tubes and doesn't want any more kids. While folks have the right to…want what they want, I'm not sure there are too many better examples of what entitled actually looks like and I was triggered because I know someone who is just like this — wanted a man to help her with her two children yet couldn't give him any and still tried to make it look like a test of his love should be to marry her anyway. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
When you're out here casually dating a younger man, stuff like this isn't that big of a deal. Oh, but when you're considering a long-term commitment, discussing that an age gap can point to being at very different seasons and stages of life are extremely relevant. And when it comes to love, something that isn't discussed, nearly enough, is sometimes you've got to love someone else enough to let them go, so that they can be with someone who can meet the needs that they have — the needs that you don't want to meet, no matter how much you want to be with them.
Yes, being an older woman means you need to be grown about ish. Please make sure that you are.
CON #2 of Dating a Younger Man: It Can Be a Challenge to Not Emasculate Him
I have a theory and I believe I've shared it before on this platform — the reason why so many people claim to love their kids more than their spouse is that they can control their children. Their spouse? Not so much. As far as being controlling goes, there are exceptions to this rule which is why I once wrote "Are You His Partner Or His Second Mama?" on here. Unfortunately, some people think that a part of their job in a romantic relationship is to boss people around and act like a second parent when trying to change a person should never be the objective (check out "The Right Relationship IMPROVES Not CHANGES You").
If you're with a younger man, you have to be careful to still see him as a man and to honor him as such because just like you would feel some type of way if he treated you like an "old lady", he has every right to be offended if you treat him like he's a little boy.
Oh, and if the first thing that comes to your mind is "If he doesn't want to be treated like one, he shouldn't act like one," that's the first clue that you probably need to date someone older. People who are comfortable with being condescending are problematic on so many levels and if his actions have you feeling justified in degrading him, you don't need to be seeing him anyway (if you feel otherwise, reflect again over the whole control thing).
CON #3 of Dating a Younger Man: You May Be Dismissive of His Long-Term Plans
In another article that I wrote for here, I mentioned how one of my favorite movies isPrime (Meryl Streep, Uma Thurman, Bryan Greenberg). In it, Uma was dating someone, I believe they were 10 years apart. Something that I really liked about the film is that she clearly came along to encourage him to pursue his life's passion for painting; he might not have without her presence in that season of his life. At the same time, she was entering the age where it gets harder for women to conceive while he was just starting to connect the dots on what he wanted his career path to look like. And while he was willing to "give her a baby," he wasn't doing it because he was at a point in his life where he wanted to be a father; he simply cared for her and didn't want to lose her. Wisdom teaches that, while sweet and endearing, that reason simply isn't good enough.
My point? Suppose Uma's character had been so selfish that she didn't care. And then he wouldn't be able to paint full-time because he would need to figure out how to be a parent and provide for another person? That could've hindered him from fulfilling his path and purpose. Oftentimes, when dating someone younger, we can be tempted to overlook stuff like this. That's why, my two cents would be, that in the beginning stages of a relationship with someone younger if you see that it really could be heading somewhere, ask him what his five and 10-year plans look like. Then be really serious about if in being with you there is room for compromise or he would have to surrender more than he should in the long run. Because if it's Door B, I'll just say that I have listened to far too many men who have harbored resentment because their partner required them to put their dreams on the backburner, indefinitely, in order to be with them. Rarely does that work in anyone's favor. Trust me.
CON #4 of Dating a Younger Man: Maturity and Stability Aren’t Always or Necessarily Their Strong Suit
Some of y'all and this disdain for video games, boy (LOL). If more folks knew the benefits that come with playing them (not obsessively but playing them nonetheless), you might be more encouraging of your partner's excitement over them. Video games reduce stress, help to boost memory, can assist with problem-solving and so much more. That's why, one of my running jokes with some of my wife clients is, "You better let your husband play that game. He could be figuring out how to pay the rent while he's doing it." Where am I going with all of this? When I speak of a potential con of dating a younger man is dealing with his instability and/or immaturity, I'm not referring to stereotypical things. I'm talking about the fact that purely a lack of time could result in him not being mentally and emotionally where you are.
Case in point. I know a wife who married someone almost eight years younger than her. For years, she was constantly complaining about how he wasn't a good budgeter; how he needed to "grow up" in that area. Finally, one day I asked her what she was like with money at his age. As she went on about overdraft fees and paying bills late, she finally paused because she caught where I was coming from. How is it that she should be given time to "get herself together" while he shouldn't?
While a younger person dating someone older can oftentimes influence them to "grow up faster" in some ways, it really needs to be up to them, whether or not they want to do that instead of the older person constantly nagging, berating, or denouncing the person they are with for being what is obvious — younger than they are. Can we all bring some "ah-ha moments" and life hacks to others? Sure. But should we be mad that someone acts younger when they are younger? I mean, pardon the pun but that doesn't sound super mature…now does it?
This is the kind of topic that could go on for days. For now, I just wanted to drop a few things to think about should you be seriously contemplating a more-than-casual experience with a younger man. Because, as with everything in this world, it's got some good points and some things to consider long and hard. Please make sure that you do. For his sake (and time) as well as your own. Feel me? Somehow, I know that you do.
For more love and relationships, features, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
Featured image by Getty Images
- The 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships - xoNecole ... ›
- The Pros & Cons Of Keeping Your Relationship Private ›
- The Pros & Cons Of Creating A 'What I Want In A Man' Checklist ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
I've struggled with my weight for most of my life. As an adult, I found myself looking for answers to heal my body and weight fluctuation; then, after a discussion with a therapist who had a background in nutrition, I learned the word cortisol.
Cortisol is a stress hormone released by the adrenal glands. It helps your body deal with stressful situations, as your brain triggers its release through the sympathetic nervous system, also known as "fight or flight," in response to stress or trauma. When cortisol levels are too high, there can be long-term impacts such as weight gain in the midsection, chronic disease, mood changes, anxiety, and a host of other health issues.
Across social media, there have been tips due to the heightened discussion on cortisol and ways to naturally lower levels. While digging deeper into cortisol levels, I tapped expert and therapist Justine Ashlee to discuss how we can access our trauma to naturally lower cortisol levels.
What Is Cortisol?
First, before we get into how we can lower it, let's just break down cortisol. Cortisol is the hormone that tells your body that fight or flight is here, and if that response is constantly being triggered or set off, you're constantly holding it all inside, and that cortisol is finding a home in your body instead of releasing it. So when you're constantly exposing your body to stress, your cortisol levels are continuing to rise. It's like asking someone whose home keeps being burglarized to get rid of their safety weapons. How can you feel safe to do so if you are constantly being robbed? Our bodies are the same as it relates to cortisol.
You want to lower your stress levels around you so that the stress and fat cells inside of your body finally feel safe to leave and never return. And that stress that we need to manage is not just outside stress from the world; it's the stress that we give ourselves when we aren't gentle with ourselves.
Natural Ways To Lower Cortisol
1.Get Proper Sleep
Getty Images
I feel like we don't pay attention enough to how imperative rest is. We joke about getting our eight hours, but when you don't get enough sleep, your body is in a constant state of awareness and hypervigilance. So even though you can function off a few hours, that eight hours is always what's needed because when you're not getting adequate rest, there's always something else underneath the surface. And good sleep, not sleep with the TV on, lights, etc., because if you need all that to sleep, that's another issue that you need to get to the bottom of why that's needed.
2.Acknowledge Trauma & Lower Stress Levels
Cortisol is released when stress is present, and as Black people, we are disproportionately impacted by stress due to racial trauma. Epigenetics research has helped us to understand intergenerational trauma, which is the trauma and stress that is passed down through our DNA. But this acknowledgment doesn’t mean that we cannot lower our stress levels. It’s information that we need so that we can prioritize reducing everyday stress. That can look different depending on your lifestyle, but lowering stress levels might include yoga, mindful meditation, boundary setting, lifestyle changes, diet, and regular exercise.
3.Reduce Your Caffeine Intake
fermate/Getty ImagesHigh levels of caffeine can cause heightened levels of cortisol, as studies show caffeine increases cortisol secretion in people at rest or undergoing mental stress. Reducing your caffeine intake and eliminating caffeinated beverages in the evening can reduce stress and may help you lower cortisol levels.
4.Low Impact Exercise
Exercise is stressful to the body, so going slow and light two to three times a week is the best way to go. Because often what happens is when you push yourself with these high-impact exercises, you have to be mindful that cortisol naturally leaves your body when you exercise, but you want it to come out and leave your body, not leave and come back.
You don't want your body to associate the gym with a severe source of stress because when that happens, the cortisol will return, so moderate to low-impact exercise to start is key.
5.Assess Your Relationship With Food
AleksandarNakic/Getty ImagesIn tandem with everyday stress, you have to figure out how you are feeding your body and how that impacts your cortisol levels. If you're craving something, it's because your body needs it. And I am not necessarily saying that your body needs the food; you could be craving dopamine or oxytocin. This is why the idea of eating for comfort shouldn't be demonized, so if you're craving cheesecake, eat the cheesecake.
But on the back end, before you give in to your next craving, ask yourself what this food is giving you that you aren't getting elsewhere and how you can get this feeling without food. Who can I laugh with? How can I experience comfort and joy beyond what I put on my plate?
6.Reduce Your Desire To Always Be Accessible
Aside from our trauma, I don't think people factor in the effect of capitalism, the hustle and grind, and the constant expectation that being accessible at all times has on us and our cortisol levels. When you combine that in tandem with your own body makeup, you are constantly raising your cortisol levels. Focus on reducing your overall stress on a daily basis.
7.Don't Focus On Weight Loss, Focus On Body Safety
FOTOGRAFIA INC./Getty ImagesIf you’re attempting to lower your cortisol levels for weight loss, know that cortisol levels are about more than just weight, so we should focus on the safety of our bodies. When safety and release become the focus, the fat will be unemployable. Sometimes, I look at my midsection and just rub it and say thank you, and that's my way of telling it that we are safe, so it doesn't have to work as hard to keep me safe and store fat as a means of protection.
If you want immediate results to lower cortisol levels you can do a lot of things for immediate results, but if you want longevity, you have to get to the root of the issue and not the branches. Don't obsess over why it's coming back, and instead focus on what is at the root of your body constantly being in a state of fight or flight response.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Getty Images