RELATED
Â
Well, another way of saying âeverywhere you go, there you areâ is using the math term âcommon denominatorâ â and today, what weâre going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isnât the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before itâs all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, âWhen patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.â
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men youâve dated, what youâve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case â why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
GiphyAbout five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled âThese Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.â You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own âblind spotsâ â and they can â eh hem â take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If youâre constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people donât get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if youâre always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
GiphySociety is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while itâs out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, âBy humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.â (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when youâre humble â youâre grateful; youâre teachable; youâre open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; youâre compassionate and empathetic; youâre flexible; youâre forgiving, and youâre able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesnât keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly donât know what does. Thereâs a client that I have right now who only contacts me when sheâs basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a manâs looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she âuh-huh'sâ me and then does what she wants to do anyway â only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havocâŠagain.
Itâs another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, Iâll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your âTypeâ?
GiphyThe reason why I wrote âAccording To Experts, We All Have A âTypeââ back in the day is because itâs true â pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; thereâs absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, Iâm advising, from very up close and personal experience, that itâs a good idea to spend some time pondering âthe origin storyâ of where your type came from.
Me? Iâm always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, Iâm a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. SoâŠsee what I mean? My type didnât just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesnât mean itâs not true.
Now my late fiancĂ©? He was right at about 6â and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though â and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and donât let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I donât limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting â potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
GiphyâHealedâ is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, itâs important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you arenât, you very well could be reliving it over and overâŠand over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that weâre all on the same page, the word âhealâ means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you donât think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; youâve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you â and no, thatâs not always one and the same), and you donât pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, âI donât want to do [such and such] for a first date. Thatâs what my ex liked to do.â The new guy isnât him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, âI donât trust men who wonât let me go through their phone. Thatâs how I found out my ex was cheating.â You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure donât want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I donât go through phones. For what? I donât pay the bill and Iâm not anyoneâs parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesnât automatically mean that heâs up to no good â he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? Itâs weird because, sometimes you will go back to whatâs familiar to you â because the new guy is such a risk, youâd prefer to âstick to the devil you knowâ than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. Itâs a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
GiphyOkay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once youâve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesnât automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word âwrongâ can mean that something or someone isnât morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or â and please catch it â out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who arenât appropriate, arenât in accordance with your needs or standards, or who arenât what you need at the time â why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that itâs not good enough to be abstract about someone being âwrongâ for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is â again â you chose him. Why do you choose whatâs wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
GiphyAs we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out âQuestion: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?â Learning the difference between âtoâ and âforâ took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that youâve healed is you donât generalize men. Meaning, that if youâre out here declaring that there arenât any good ones, thatâs not true; youâre just jaded (I mean, itâs the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if youâre constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arieâs âGood Manâ). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsibleâŠgoodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate â satisfactory to the purpose (yes, thatâs a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things arenât going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say itâs the manâs fault. If thereâs a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, youâd be amazed by how much about you shifts â to where the wrong guys canât even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the âcommon denominatorâ you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
Letâs make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images