Guess how many people use social media? A whopping 3.1 billion folks! That's roughly one-third of the earth's population. Out of those, guess how many are addicted to it? Reportedly, 210 million folks (with most of them being young single women).
Adding to these stats, 71 percent of people sleep with their smartphone, 50 percent check their socials while driving (SMH) and 10 percent of teenagers check their cells no less than 10 times a night. I bet out of all of those findings, the main thing you're probably wondering is what constitutes a real deal Holyfield social media addiction. That's fair.
According to experts on the topic, you're leaning towards being an addict if you—check your notifications every few minutes; update your locations constantly; can't go a day without posting something (that has nothing to do with your career or platform); have to keep your phone on and close to you at night; can't go a week without taking a selfie; can't put your phone away when you're spending time with other people; check your phone while you're driving or walking; have more "friends" online than off and you internally lose it when folks don't comment on your posts. Oh, and if you can't remember the last time you went on a social media fast—if ever.
If you can check off four or more of these things, you are sho 'nuf a candidate for being a social media addict. It's problematic too, because this kind of addiction can affect your vision, give you bouts of loneliness and depression, put your productivity in jeopardy (which can put your job in jeopardy too), place a strain on your relationships and get you caught up in the illusion of the online world vs. the real one (which is offline).
I'm not sharing all of this with you so that you'll stop utilizing social media altogether. I'm simply sharing it so that you'll be intentional about protecting yourself from becoming an addict. More importantly, so that you'll take steps to protect yourself from all of the drama and negativity that is far more prevalent on social media than a lot of us realize.
And how can you do just that?
1.Go to a “Happy Place Site”—First
Before you decide to hop on to your favorite gossip blog (or vlog) or even a news outlet, how about going to a site or even someone's personal social media page that will be sure to put a smile on your face? Me? I like things like human interest stories on People, KevOnStage's YouTube channel (his semi-recent Righteous and Ratchet "Jess Hilarious + Cancel Culture" episode had some gems in it), GoodBlackNews.org, GoodNewsNetwork.org or ComedianShulerKing's page. You can also put a hashtag of a show that you missed, just to see the memes and comments so that you can get a good laugh in.
At least that way, you can start things off on a high note before all of the drama starts to creep in.
2.Remember What the Definition of Gossip Is
It tickles me whenever people tell me they hate gossip but then, not two minutes later, will go ham on some celebrity news like they know the people personally. I was an entertainment writer before I got more into the relationships and wellness lane and let me just tell you—NOTHING is what it seems. Please don't get caught up drinking so much hot tea that it burns you. Literally.
While we're on this topic, please also don't think that just because you don't listen to a lot of sensationalism or stuff that should be ran through fact-checking site at least a dozen times that it still doesn't constitute as being gossip. Although a lot of us only like to define gossip as being drama and rumors, it also means idle talk about people's private affairs, period.
An English philologist by the name of Robert Forby once said, "A dog that will fetch a bone, will carry a bone." If you add to that, grandmama's saying "Hit dog will holla" well…just be careful what you take in and what you do with it. Gossip may be entertaining, but it can also be quite destructive too (check out "Rumors, Gossip and Your Health").
3.Be Cautious in Giving (and Accepting) Unsolicited Advice
I don't know what makes so many of us think that people need our opinion and perspective on just about everything, but clearly, with currently 321 million monthly users on Twitter alone, we do. And while I'll be the first to say that Black Twitter must be protected at all costs, I'll also say that social media has turned a lot of people into either big bullies or big babies; if not a hybrid of the two.
It's very fascinating to me that someone will share their thoughts on their page and then here people come telling them how wrong and ridiculous they are. Then, when those same people receive the treatment they dished out to someone else, they want to get all salty or sensitive about it.
No one is going to like everything you post or say. You aren't gonna like everyone else's profiles either. AND THAT IS OK. Just accepting these two facts alone should make for a more peaceful social media world. But if you don't want to get constantly caught up in wasting more time than you've got, all because you decided to dish out advice/insight that wasn't asked for or because you got hyper-sensitive about what someone said to you, maybe you should think long and hard about if social media is the space for you. Or—and better still—you should be mindful about how you respond/react to something before you actually do it.
This brings me to the next point...
4.Be Honest (with Yourself) About Your Posts (BEFORE Posting)
A few months ago, I was having a conversation with someone who told me that they were going to get off of Instagram because they weren't getting as many likes on their posts as they wanted and it was pissing them off.
Gee, we've got a ranting Cheeto in human form for a president and hate crimes are reportedly up 17 percent since he's been in office, but someone is mad because their beach selfies aren't receiving rave reviews? With attitudes like that, it's no wonder that there are articles like "Social Media Has Created a Generation of Self-Obsessed Narcissists", "Excessive Posting of Photos on Social Media Is Associated with Increase in Narcissism" and "Is Social Media to Blame for the Rise In Narcissism?"
There's nothing wrong with selfies or basically anything else you want to post on your profile pages. After all, they're your pages. But posting really should be more about sharing your personality or brand, regardless of how others choose to respond to it; if at all.
Bottom line, if your motive for posting ANYTHING is so people can tell you how awesome you are all of the time, 1) you're setting yourself up to be just as pissed off as the person I just mentioned and 2) you're really setting yourself up to become a raging narcissist someday whether you realize it or not. And narcissists are full of drama and negativity—whether they are too arrogant to recognize it or not (again, "45" is a great reminder of this).
5.Count to 10 Before Responding—to ANYTHING
I've got a girlfriend (who shall remain nameless) who stays in some foolishness on social media. Why? Because let someone say something—anything—she doesn't like and she's letting them get at least a full paragraph's worth of her mind. All that does is get the initial poster or commenter all in a tizzy and, if her comment is buck enough, it brings others in on it too.
Listen, if y'all got time for that, have at it. But I'm willing to bet that if you've got a job (or you run a business), you're in a relationship and/or you're a mom, you don't have as much time as you think. For this reason alone, if someone triggers you online, do the same thing that you (hopefully) would if you were within earshot of them. Pause, count to 10, ask yourself if what you're about to say, you're prepared to go down in history (because on the internet, nothing ever gets truly deleted)—and then say it.
The drama on social media would drop at least 60 percent if folks put this into practice. I'd put some good money on that.
6.Don’t Get Attached to Trolls
GiphySometimes, the best thing about a post are the comments, that's for sure. But you can bet that there are some people who live to do nothing more than troll others (like the commenters on TMZ's page— SMH). If you're not exactly sure whether or not you're dealing with a highly-opinionated individual or an actual troll here are some signs of the latter—they usually have wack profiles (ones that make you wonder if a real person is running the account); they're going to want to argue about any and everything you have to say; they have nothing short of tunnel-vision when it comes to the way they see things; they live to bait you in, then tear you down while they rarely saying anything that's truly beneficial.
Sometimes trolls are so good at pushing buttons that you can get more invested than you ever should. If you know this is you, remember that you can always A) ignore them; B) delete their comments (when they are on your page) or C) block them altogether. (Watch how much freer you'll feel when you do!)
7.Insert the Golden Rule
GiphySomething that I find to be both fascinating and unfortunate is how much of a bulldozer so many people online are. Before you're like "Yeah!", it should go on record that less and less is it coming from just one side. Christians want non-Christians to shut up just as much as non-Christians want Christians to. If someone doesn't share a person's view on politics, sexuality, pop culture or any other hot topic, there is a campaign to immediately get them "cancelled". Ugh. It's dangerous to not let someone's voice be heard. It's equally as dangerous to try and silence it if it doesn't agree with your own.
Mama told us to do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Father MC put it this way—treat them like they want to be treated. I have pretty strong views on, well, just about anything. But I am confident enough in those views to hear other people out and to not feel attacked just because they may not agree with me.
It's a very insecure person who feels the need to force others to think/live as they do, and a ton of those people exist on social media. Try and avoid being one of them.
8.Offer a Silver Lining Perspective
One of my other girlfriends, I call her "glass half full" because she can see the upswing for just about anything. There's something really refreshing about that. It's like being a beacon of light in what can sometimes be a very dark place—or, as it relates to social media specifically, space.
One way that you can lighten things up a bit is to provide a silver lining to some of the news or gossip that is shared. I'm not saying be unrealistic or act like you live in a world filled with nothing but unicorns and rainbows. I'm just saying that sometimes all it takes is one positive point to totally shift the atmosphere of 20 negative statements.
9.Take Regular Breaks
I already know that some of y'all are NOT gonna receive this point, but I'm still gonna put it out there. It can never hurt to take a break from social media every few months. How much of a break? According to a lot of mental health experts, 30 full days. That means no logging on, no receiving notifications, no commenting—nothing.
If the thought of doing that already has you breathing through a brown paper bag, you should be the first in line to take it! It's proven that social media breaks can do everything from help you to realign boundaries and make you more productive to reduce your stress levels and give you a better night's rest.
Sadly, a lot of us stay irritable, not because of what's happening offline but what we're doing while we're on it. And since most of us are "plugged in" 11 hours a day…with all of the info and opinions that are constantly inundating our psyches, can't you see how your mind, body and spirit could benefit from reading a book or taking a stroll in the park? Without your phone?
10. Try to Mind Your Own Business
Did you know that there is even a Scripture in the Bible that co-signs on staying in your own backyard? I Thessalonians 4:11(NKJV) says, "that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you".
I'll be the first to say that things people don't want to receive comments on, they shouldn't post them. But that doesn't mean that we should feel the need to comment on EVERYTHING. If you try and focus on what you've got going on in your world, even the part of the world that is your own social media profiles, you'll realize that you don't have the time or energy to always be up in other people's stuff.
If you don't have personal drama and negativity, the less you'll want to get caught up in someone else's. Especially people you barely even know. Feel me?
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
Featured image by Shutterstock