Mothers in New York are an entirely different breed. To be fair, mothers in every city should be granted the medal of honor just for managing to get through one week. But here in New York, we are faced with a specific challenge. The average rent for a two-bedroom apartment in New York is around $3,200 per month, while the average income per household is around $50,000. For the childless New Yorker, these numbers are staggering – but for a parent, they can be crippling.
I decided to talk to some of the working moms of New York. Each of them with different stories and different support structures put in place. I like to think, that if women are capable of this, then we are capable of anything. Whether you have children or not, the hustle of a New York mother is inspiration for us all.
*Rachel, 33
Occupation: Seasonal sales person at high-end department store
Income: Less than $50k
Her Story: I'm a mom to a 7-year-old little boy living in Brooklyn. I went to Lincoln University in Pennsylvania and came back to New York after school. I met a guy. We married. Had a baby. Things didn't work out, so I moved to Atlanta as a single mom with my son who was 16 months old at the time. The job market in Atlanta was so rough that I decided to take on a "sugar daddy" to supplement my income. After 2 years of sitting on his lap for money, trying to catch my bearings, and losing my car to the Title Pawn in Atlanta, I decided to come back home to New York. By then, I'd pawned all my valuables: car, jewelry, electronics, cashed savings bonds, depleted CD accounts, and 401k.
I had to get a job – any job. Despite my education, because my child's needs do not cease, that means being underpaid and working schedules that don't agree with my parenting needs. My son is 7-years-old now. He is incredibly smart, he's happy, he's healthy and in a great school and gets good grades. However, in the last three years, we spent 8 months living with my best friend and 20 months at a homeless shelter. I still haven't found gainful employment, so my income is supplemented through food stamps and the $408 a month that the state garnishes from the father.
Before all this, I was an New York socialite on the urban scene. A walking directory for all things lit and fashionable. I had a corporate job and I shopped high end. Shelters, food stamps, and welfare were not a part of the vision I had for our future.
I pray that he never feels the the sacrifice, only the end result, which is fun and love.
*Sabrina, 29
Occupation: Executive Assistant
Income: $50k - $75k
Her Story: Being a mother in New York City is extremely hard. Budgeting has become an everyday struggle in itself – choosing between what is more important week by week. I can't afford to move because of the rapid gentrification in Brooklyn. I'm living in a two-bedroom apartment with several other family members after I was evicted for being unable to pay rent.
My children go to separate schools miles away from one another because of the school district policy in place. There's a good quality public school minutes away from my house however, but it's zoned out of my district and my children cannot attend. Instead, I was told to enroll them into our zone school that is failing academically and farther away.
Because my neighborhood is in the process of gentrification, the only quality schools are charter or private. The people moving in can afford private school, so their children are not enrolling in the public schools. Because my children attend separate schools, more money comes out of my household budget to pay a van driver for drop-off services. To make things work, I'm forced to pay the extra $400 monthly for early drop-off and pick-up.
I also pay for tutoring, which is $450 monthly, swimming lessons for $180 per child, and soccer whenever I can afford it, along with the usual bills rent and car payments. All the while, I have student loans in default.
I've worked 16 hours in one day, causing me to miss quality time with my kids – missing homework, missing laughs, missing their little explanations of their day – all so that I can stay afloat in this beast of a life.
This struggle is never-ending, but as a mom, I put my best foot forward and smile whenever I see my kids.
*Carla, 31
Occupation: Health Care Integrator
Income: Less than $50k
Her Story: We live in a one-bedroom apartment in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn. It has been both difficult and somewhat easy raising my child in such an expensive city. It is difficult because there is not much opportunity for working mothers to have assistance. It sometimes seems like I make too much to qualify for anything substantial because programs only see my pre-taxed without considering all of my expenses.
It can be easy because there are a lot of free entertainment programs I can take my daughter to that help expose her to culture. I spend a lot of time on Google looking for free things to do since money always has to go to more pressing things. It's also hard to arrange pick-up and drop-off since babysitters and nannies tend to charge more an hour than I make an hour. I would like to find a bigger apartment that I can afford so she can have her own room but the prices are very high. I continue to put my name on the housing lottery. What helps a lot, though is that I grew up here and I have friends with kids. My daughter receives a lot of hand-me-downs.
*Kim, 33
Occupation: Account Manager and PR Coordinator
Income: $50k - $75k
Her Story: Ever since moving back to New York in 2009, my sole purpose has been to give my daughter a life that will not only meet, but exceed the lifestyle that my mom - who was also a single parent - provided for me. I would have to say, it's not easy financially, but with faith, it is possible to raise my child in this city.
Like everyone, I have general expenses for everyday survival like rent, food, health care, transportation, etc. My daughter's father is married and lives out of state. I can never predict from one month to the next what type of support financial or otherwise I'll receive from him. So, I'm basically handling all of it on my own. That includes school tuition, after-school activities, childcare, clothes, getting her hair done, and weekend fun. I can't even begin to list all the other little things that come up in between.
I take advantage of sales whenever I can and shop for clothes off-season so we can be frugally fly. My mom is a big help. Sometimes, I food shop at her house and take advantage of her babysitting whenever she's in a good mood. I try to make sure my daughter is as comfortable as possible at home with things she's enjoys so I can save money on outside activities.
However, at the end of the day, faith is always my saving grace. I definitely have moments when I'm sitting there thinking, 'Damn, the struggle is real.' Right before I start to get frustrated or overwhelmed and sometimes after venting to my best friend, I realize that I've been here before and made it through.
My faith has trained me to start to recognize blessings and to worry less about my life because God got this.
* Mya, 34
Occupation: Medical Receptionist and student
Income: Less than $50k
Her Story: I moved to Harlem four years ago from Philadelphia after me and my long-time boyfriend broke up. I dropped out of college after I got pregnant with my second child and before moving back to New York, I finished a medical training program and found a job in a clinic. My job can be very stressful, especially because they won't allow me to leave work an hour early to pick my kids up so I have to pay for aftercare, which is a lot for two kids. I do have some help along the way. I have two cousins who also have small children and we take turns babysitting each other's kids to get a break from time to time. Paying for babysitters is not even an option at this point.
I decided to go back to school this year and I'm taking classes at CUNY to complete my degree in Communications. Between raising my kids and school, I hardly have any time for anything else but I've been dating someone for over a year now. He also has a kid, so it helps that he understands my hustle. We try to be supportive towards each other in the ups and downs of parenting.
I have a car, which helps get my kids to school in the mornings and avoid being out in the weather when it's bad. However, I try to use public transportation as much as possible, especially on weekends when we do little activities in the city. It's important to find free things to do so I'm always looking through Groupon or looking up things online.
Honestly, the thing that keeps me focused is that I know raising my kids here in New York will be an asset to their upbringing.
The schools here, the opportunities, the culture – there's no place like it. I'm okay with my hustle because I appreciate the well-rounded life they can have here.
*Names have been changed for anonymity
Are you a New York City mom? Leave us a comment below with your experience raising a child in the Big Apple.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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