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Take Your Sex Life To Another Level Through Mindful Behavior

And what makes mind-full sex different from mind-less sex?

Sex

I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with penetrative sex changed when I tapped into mindfulness. Although I didn't have the language for what it was at the time, now I can see the way my mind and body opened up when I stopped thinking and started flowing. When I stopped racing to a foreseeable end and instead reveled in being fully present. My connection intensified, so did the passion, and so did my experience with previously nonexistent vaginal orgasms. It was transformative to say the least.

Nowadays, I have the language for what that state of being is. The act of being present, fully aware of the moment, giving unwavering and undivided attention. Every sensation takes center stage and the emphasis on senses intensifies how I experience touch, taste, and of course feeling filled. That word is mindful; and to apply it to sex, well, you get mindful sex.

And what makes mind-full sex different from mind-less sex?

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What is Mindful Sex?

In a conversation with sex therapist Dr. Donna, LICSW, M.ED, founder and lead therapist at AnnodRight, she explained, "You wouldn't be having sex with your to-do list on your mind. You would be engaged in the moment with what is happening and not on other things like dishes, work, or if your fro still looks good while you're having sex. What truly makes the difference is being in the moment intentionally."

Intention. When I think back to times in my life where the sex I was having was very mind-less, it usually had everything to do with where I was physically and mentally weren't in alignment. I was in my head about feeling pressured to orgasm, I was in my head about not feeling confident in my body, I was thinking of what he could be thinking. I was everywhere and nowhere all at once.

If You Have a Hard Time Connecting Sexually with Your Partner...

For those of us who have or have had difficult times feeling connected during sex overall, what we fail to realize is how much mental blockages interrupt our connection to the moment and our ability to surrender to pleasure in a way that helps us reach ecstasy. Mindful sex can be a solution for that.

Dr. Donna advised that if you are experiencing mental blocks that stop you from connecting during sex to take a moment to get to the root of the disconnect. "What is usually going on for you where you don't feel connected? Is it only in the boudoir with your partner, or is that disconnect in other places?" she recommended. "Take some time to figure out those pieces FIRST, then come back to how you can be present in the bedroom. Some of the disconnect can be the [sex] position."

"For this, I suggest front-facing positions where you can look at each other. Practicing some mindfulness on your own can also help you to be better practiced when you get into the sexual situation you want."

Our article on intimate sex positions is a great place to start.

Adene Sanchez/Getty Images

3 Ways to be More in the Moment During Sex

Mindful sex is a beautiful way to deepen and intensify the sex you have with your partner. In order to practice being more present and in the moment during sex, Dr. Donna shared the following ways:

1. Remove all distractions. Including music.

"Turn off the TV, unexpected sounds and flashes can take you out of the moment. Also, until you have mastered it, turn off the music. Let the rhythm between the two of you be the true focal point here."

2. Plan the sex.

"Sounds so unsexy, but hear me out. Planning a time and space for sexy time can help to build up anticipation, on the one hand, and means that you can better plan for a distraction-free environment. You can make sure to schedule all the obligatory adulting activities before it, so that you can more easily give yourself over to your sexual desires."

3. Talk about your connection issue.

"If you find that you are consistently distracted in sex, talk about it with your partner. There is no use in keeping that secret. When we talk about what is on our minds or the feelings we have been harboring, we give them an outlet, which means they take up less space in our minds. Having the conversation can also mean that between the two of you, you can come up with some solutions."

Featured image by Adene Sanchez/Getty Images

ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
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