Yeah So…What If You Hate The Sex Positions That He Likes?
While doing an interview not too long ago, I was asked how I come up with some of the topics that I write about. The interviewer described them as "Things that folks think about but never really get to read about." Personally, I take that as a high compliment because that is exactly what serves as my inspiration. As a writer, I spend a heck of a lot of time reading and, when I can't find what I wish I could, I usually say to myself, "Shoot, I'll write it then." And when it comes to the topic of sex, I can speak from once-upon-a-time very personal experience what it's like to enjoy a sexual partner for the most part and yet sometimes, not really want to have sex with them because he's always trying to put me in a position that I'm simply not interested in.
If you just did a double take and then heard yourself say, "That part", I'm glad that this resonates with you in some way because sex needs to be great on every level. And since sexual positions play a huge and pivotal role in the act itself, let's do a little exploring on how to handle it if you truly are sick and tired of trying to maneuver your way out of sexual positions that you really don't like all that much to begin with. For whatever the reason.
Have You Always Hated Those Sex Positions? If So, What’s the Reasoning Behind It?
The thing that's interesting about sex positions is there truly is not a one-size-fits-all to them. Meaning, that they are totally up to the individual. That's why I find myself sometimes rolling my eyes whenever I read articles that say that doggy style is a must-do or throwing your legs over your partner's shoulder is the absolute bomb. TMI maybe, but it's whatever. Doggy style is cool to me, but in all honesty, I can live without it. Traditionally, I like eye contact and the penetration from that angle isn't actually the way I would prefer to feel it. And legs pinned all back 'n stuff? The older one gets, the more challenging that can be (and shoot, I used to be on a gymnastics-like team!). So, while I wouldn't say that I hate either of them, I can't say that I'm gonna write a ton of articles singing their praises either.
However, there are some other positions that I kinda loathe. Like the wheelbarrow. So, you really want me to hold up my own body weight while you're moving all around and you think that I can focus on that and climaxingat the same time? What in the world, dude? Or caboosing (when a man is sitting up and you back your body into him while also sitting up). OK, maybe it seems good in theory, yet I feel like I'm just gonna break, umm, something if I'm—well, we're—not careful.
I could go on, yet I think you get my point. You might hate a sexual position for reasons similar to what I just shared. Or maybe it's something a little deeper like you have bad memories of one from a past relationship or experience. Perhaps certain positions cause you to feel more self-conscious when it comes to your body image.
The reason why getting to the root of your disdain is so important is because it's not good enough to take on the "I dunno. I just don't like it" stance, especially when your partner feels the complete opposite. The reality is that none of us hate something for absolutely no reason. Knowing the trigger cause can bring about some clarity, some resolve and maybe even some compromise.
This brings me to the next point.
Most Sex Positions Can Be Modified. Have You Tried?
Lawd. It seems like every partner I've had has wanted to throw my legs to the back of the wall. I recall asking one of them why that seemed like such a big deal. You know what's a trip? He said that he assumed all women liked it that way because men could get in deeper in that position. See, this is the reason why sexual communication is so essential. If you're out here doing stuff to me out of comparison or assumption, that's a definite way to misfire, more times than not. On the other hand, when I find out that a guy likes a position that isn't my favorite and it's for his own sake and pleasure, typically what I'll do is try and modify it. Back to doggy style. Although I do prefer eye contact positions, there are a couple of exceptions. Like, have you ever seen two cats have sex? It's basically just like doggy style only they tend to be on their stomachs rather than their knees. Some folks call that position the flatiron. Whatever it is, it feels awesome (to me) and it's definitely a modification of going the doggy route; only now, I don't have to keep fidgeting with my arms and/or worrying about if my arch is just right. Or say that your partner really likes sex while you're standing up and you would prefer to take a hard pass on it. If you get up on the edge of a counter or the dryer (while the cycle is on in order to catch the vibrations), that could be a happy medium for you both.
The bottom line here is the best lovers know how to compromise. Not only that, they're not interested in doing something solely for their own benefit if their partner isn't getting fulfilled, on some level, by it. So, while you shouldn't continue to do anything that isn't satisfying (and definitely not something that is painful or uncomfortable), do consider how you can "meet him halfway" on some positions by making a few adjustments. Doing so might end up catching you off guard, in some of the best ways possible.
Don’t “Fake Tolerate” Positions You Don't Like. Discuss.
Just this morning, a friend of mine and I were talking about the importance of authenticity. At the end of the day, being authentic is about being real and a woman by the name of Janet Louis Stephenson once said, "Authenticity requires vulnerability, transparency and integrity." Show you right. I am a huge fan of being authentic which is why I am absolutely not a fan of faking it, on any level, when it comes to sex. A couple of years back, I wrote an article for the platform about why (you can check it out here). One of the main reasons is that faking it is not being honest with your partner and if you're not telling the truth, how is sex supposed to get any better? And sex—it should always be improving upon itself.
That's why, I don't care if it's because you feel self-conscious, talking about it seems "awkward" or you think it will hurt your partner's feelings or that he'll take it too personally—if you keep having sex in positions that you don't enjoy, don't fake it and act like you do. What tends to happen via that approach is you end up resenting him for not pleasing you and he either keeps on thinking everything is fine or he starts to feel some sense of detachment because you don't seem to be as "into it" as he is.
While we're on this point, I really want to make sure that couples in long-term relationships keep this in mind. I've worked with some wives who've been faking sexual pleasure for most of their marriage. They fake an orgasm, wait for their man to fall asleep, and then go somewhere else to masturbate. Uh-uh. You deserve to be just as sexually elated and fulfilled as your partner. Still, he's not a mind-reader. He shouldn't be expected to figure out if it's "all good" or not. You need to speak up and tell him (check out "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.").
Yes, You Can Grow to Like Certain Positions in Time.
Aight. You know what I think can nip a lot of this in the bud? Trying new sexual positions. I will never stop saying that one of the biggest challenges when it comes to sex (especially in long-term relationships) is making sure that you and yours don't end up being bored to tears. Well, when it comes to sexual positions specifically, even if there are some that he likes and you don't, who said that the focus needs to remain in that sexual cul-de-sac? I don't know any man who isn't down for adventures of the sexual kind, so why not make the time to check out articles like Women's Health's "This Is What Your Sex-Position Bucket List Should Look Like" (which features 46 positions and illustrations) or the book "Sex Positions: Sex: The Top 100 Sex Positions to Try Before You Die"?
Another tip? Pardon the pun but, stay open. Because a lot of us came into our current sexual situation with our own level of baggage, sometimes we take on the attitude that what we don't like, we never will, when the reality is that sometimes, a different partner can make the same experience totally different. You simply need to relax, not overthink or be willing to explore how your present could end up being very different from your past.
Sexual positions need to be about discovering which ones bring the most mutual pleasure, the most consistently. This requires trial and error, patience and again, a willingness to compromise. Life is too short to be out here hating positions and ultimately, not liking sex as much as you could—and should. Hopefully, these tips will make it all a lil' better. Or at least help you to have more fun trying. #wink
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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We Need To Talk About The Current State Of Black Cinema
In the last decade, Black cinema has seen a revival like no other, thanks to writers and directors Jordan Peele, Barry Jenkins, and Ava DuVernay. Through their narratives, we have been enamored with Black stories of normalcy and horror that have captivated audiences and shown exactly what narratives are deserved and desired by Black viewers. Nevertheless, the current state of Black films still has some ways to go, and can easily accomplish the next stage of its reemergence if it considers the genres where representation is still lacking.
For years, Black audience members have been treated like they're secondary, forced to enjoy the experiences of their white counterparts as if they were sidekicks to their journey instead of walking in their shoes.
On the heels of his Oscar win for "Best Screenplay" for the 2023 comedy/drama American Fiction, first-time director Cord Jefferson shared his perspective on the narrow view of Black characters on-screen and why there's a need for diversity in the Black stories we choose to tell in film. "There is an appetite for things that are different and a story with Black characters that’s going to appeal to a lot of people," Cord explained. "[Black films don’t] need to take place on a plantation, they don’t need to take place in the projects. It doesn’t need to have drug dealers in it and doesn’t need to have gang members in it. There’s an audience and market for depictions of Black life that are as broad and as deep as any other depictions of people’s lives."
Now, as Black cinema continues to grow, they must challenge themselves to create tales that reflect the Black experience beyond the narratives of racism, slavery, and segregation. Instead of creating more window-filled films, where we must peek into the lives of others in hopes of seeing ourselves, it is imperative the new films provide mirrors for Black audiences to finally see themselves as worthy of romance, levity, fantasy, action, and time.
The art we create must challenge Black cinema as they know it to create the Black movies that should have always been. Here's how:
Black Cinema Needs More Romance and Romantic Comedies
Black cinema deserves whirlwind romances with tenderness, complexity, kindness, erraticness, playfulness, and compassion.
Instead of being the second-hand side quest to a tale filled with hardship and misery, Black romantic stories should be placed center stage with intentionality and eloquent execution. It is important that Black romantic comedies be recreated with the same gusto they did in the early 2000s for white romantic comedies, with narratives that are better than the ones we idealize today. In these new narratives, Black romance must show that Black men can be whole and Black women can be easy to love. It is also essential to show that love can be held by same-sex couples.
In Black films, our love needs levity. It needs warmth. It needs nurture, and it needs to come in abundance so that we have examples of more than one way to love. Because at this moment, the only narrative we have been given on Black love comes from that of sadness and grief. Love that requires one or both parties be broken and bruised and bleeding all over the other to the point that hate and self-loathing breed a love like one has never known. This narrative is overplayed, and even more so, it is cruel in creating a falsehood that everything black must be birthed from sorrow.
Take Love & Basketball, the romance/drama, for example, which many consider to be the pinnacle of Black love. I don't need to tell you why because there are a thousand and one comments and videos on how everyone tries to defend this romance. Instead, I’ll tell you why it is not. Their romance is toxic. Simple as that. It’s cultural and controversial, so I won’t go too much into detail, and if I need to, we can have a separate article for that. But the relationship is toxic, and there are moments when both Monica and Q are giving nothing, but expecting everything.
Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan in 'Love & Basketball'
They never truly learn how to love one another properly and justify their bad examples of love on what they experienced in the past (read "generational trauma"). Though that could be the reason, it did not justify the ultimate outcome. And though some of us might have felt seen by a story like this, especially in our own imperfect love and dating experiences, the Black experience is not a monolith, and it does not represent the healthy love we now seek to cultivate in our lives.
Plus, with such an emphasis placed on films that are dramas, there is a focus on the struggle, whether it be life or love. Paving the way to see ourselves in more films as romantic leads that offer levity, like a romantic comedy, is a welcomed change to the moving and culturally impactful stories we see. When we think of Black romantic comedies of yesteryear, actresses like Queen Latifah and even Gabrielle Union come to mind, but since the early 2000s, we haven't seen nearly as much traction in the world of romantic comedies overall, but especially ones that feature Black leads with Black love interests.
When Black romance stories are made, love should be given to the characters as a gift, not a sentencing. It should unravel beautifully, and the characters and their romance should be cherished. Their love should be watered, tended, and filled with so much beauty the gods themselves cry.
Kofi Siriboe and Jade Eshete in 'Really Love'
Netflix
Black Cinema Needs More Sci-Fi and Fantasy
In the last three decades, we have seen films about a boy who flew across the sky because of the alien he carried in his bicycle basket, objects that have come to life to tell children stories, vampires who glitter in the sun, and children who can visit a magical world by running through brick walls. Yet, you’re still telling me that our imaginations cannot expand far enough to see all this done with characters who are Black? Ridiculous. Pure absurdity. There needs to be more moments of wonderment and amazement in Black cinema.
There needs to be realms that children and adults can escape into when the reality of institutions becomes too much to bear or rationalize. We shouldn’t be thankful that white stories change characters into Black ones so that we can travel along and hope to experience the same sense of wonder as our white counterparts.
Instead, we should have stories that were made for Black characters to travel freely and happily escape the challenges faced in our society. We need realms where we fit perfectly in and can be just as magical and enchanting as we’ve always been.
Black Cinema Needs More Action and Thrillers
Last year, the Times wrote an article focusing on the influence of Richard Rountree's Shaft on the Black action hero narrative. In this article, the writer listed eight movies that were essential to watch that held Black leads as action heroes. Unfortunately, the majority of these movies listed came from the 1900s, with very few films featuring Black action leads in the 2000s or later.
Recently, Amazon Prime released their version ofMr. and Mrs. Smith, where Donald Glover has the chance of being the infamous spy that stole our hearts in 2005. In this, he is the same, charismatic character that he always portrays, with a little more action and thrill than we have associated with him before. Although the show has its flaws, Glover as an action hero makes for an entertaining watch and an interesting take on what it would mean to be a Black spy during moments where blending in in white spaces is essential.
Donald Glover starring in 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith' (2024)
Prime Video
On the other hand, we have Michael B. Jordan, who finds himself in action and thrillers where he is either the villain (Black Panther), anti-hero(Creed), or reluctant, and controversial savior (Without Remorse). In his films, he shows how Black characters can be both the hero and the villain simultaneously based on circumstances and unfortunate interactions with institutions that he has sworn to protect and have sworn to protect him. And of course, we cannot forget about the action films Samuel L. Jackson has starred in, including a revival of the aforementioned Shaft in the 2000s.
However, despite the list of Black actors above, the film industry still lacks tremendously in the Black action protagonist department. Despite its need, we rarely see Black actors allotted the opportunity to run from exploding buildings like Tom Cruise in any Mission Impossible film or the ability to hunt down the kidnappers of various Black girls taken from their father's home, as Liam Neeson does in Taken.
To enhance Black cinema, the industry needs to consider making Black characters the hero of their own stories, and for their own people. These action films must be just as outlandish and enticing as the action films made before, without a greater chance of a happy ending and outcome. Now that the action and thriller genre is looking for a revival, it is wise to consider using Black people as the heroes they've always been and rarely recognized as.
Black Cinema Needs More Black Period Pieces (outside of slavery and segregation)
The last thing we need is another damn story rotted in our nation’s mistreatment of Black people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that these stories are not important. I am just saying it is the last damn thing that we need. Why? Because we already have 101 Dalmatians worth of these, and we don’t need more. If you want a period piece on slavery and segregation, watch 12 Years a Slave or Harriet, or Birth of a Nation, or Emancipation, or Antebellum, or Hidden Figures, or Freedom, or Remember the Titans, or Emperor, or….you get the point. There are plenty of movies about Black people and our centuries’ worth of hardship.
However, our stories are more than this, and there are moments in history that I believe fiction writers can integrate Black people and their experiences without making slavery and segregation stand in the forefront; think series likeBridgertonor Queen Charlotte.
India Ria Amarteifio as Queen Charlotte in 'Queeen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story'
Netflix
Hell, take Lovecraft Country, for example. This story acknowledged racism, segregation, and mistreatment of Black people. However, the narratives given to the characters in this period piece were so complex and intricate, that the last thing they worried about was racism itself. In a world where monsters are rooted at every corner, the societal pressures of segregation are in the back of their minds.
Though they still dealt with moments relating to racism, their character’s experiences weren’t based only on it. The only time it was was when they were around white characters, and outside of it, they were well-rounded characters who experienced life as it was, most importantly outside of the box society tries to fit them in. This needs to happen, again. I want stories where Black people speak in modern English, walking around their big ass gardens in dolly, vintage, and cottage-core dresses, and pleated pants with suspenders.
We need stories in history where Black people can exist outside of the white historical lens.
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