While doing an interview not too long ago, I was asked how I come up with some of the topics that I write about. The interviewer described them as "Things that folks think about but never really get to read about." Personally, I take that as a high compliment because that is exactly what serves as my inspiration. As a writer, I spend a heck of a lot of time reading and, when I can't find what I wish I could, I usually say to myself, "Shoot, I'll write it then." And when it comes to the topic of sex, I can speak from once-upon-a-time very personal experience what it's like to enjoy a sexual partner for the most part and yet sometimes, not really want to have sex with them because he's always trying to put me in a position that I'm simply not interested in.
If you just did a double take and then heard yourself say, "That part", I'm glad that this resonates with you in some way because sex needs to be great on every level. And since sexual positions play a huge and pivotal role in the act itself, let's do a little exploring on how to handle it if you truly are sick and tired of trying to maneuver your way out of sexual positions that you really don't like all that much to begin with. For whatever the reason.
Have You Always Hated Those Sex Positions? If So, What’s the Reasoning Behind It?
The thing that's interesting about sex positions is there truly is not a one-size-fits all to them. Meaning, they are totally up to the individual. That's why I find myself sometimes rolling my eyes whenever I read articles that say that doggy style is a must-do or throwing your legs over your partner's shoulder is the absolute bomb. TMI maybe, but it's whatever. Doggy style is cool to me, but in all honesty, I can live without it. Traditionally, I like eye contact and the penetration from that angle isn't actually the way I would prefer to feel it. And legs pinned all back 'n stuff? The older one gets, the more challenging that can be (and shoot, I used to be on a gymnastics-like team!). So, while I wouldn't say that I hate either of them, I can't say that I'm gonna write a ton of articles singing their praises either.
However, there are some other positions that I kinda loathe. Like the wheelbarrow. So, you really want me to hold up my own body weight while you're moving all around and you think that I can focus on that and climaxing at the same time? What in the world, dude? Or caboosing (when a man is sitting up and you back your body into him while also sitting up). OK, maybe it seems good in theory, yet I feel like I'm just gonna break, umm, something if I'm—well, we're—not careful.
I could go on, yet I think you get my point. You might hate a sexual position for reasons similar to what I just shared. Or maybe it's something a little deeper like you have bad memories of one from a past relationship or experience. Perhaps certain positions cause you to feel more self-conscious when it comes to your body image.
The reason why getting to the root of your disdain is so important is because it's not good enough to take on the "I dunno. I just don't like it" stance, especially when your partner feels the complete opposite. The reality is that none of us hate something for absolutely no reason. Knowing the trigger cause can bring about some clarity, some resolve and maybe even some compromise.
This brings me to the next point.
Most Sex Positions Can Be Modified. Have You Tried?
Lawd. It seems like every partner I've had has wanted to throw my legs to the back of the wall. I recall asking one of them why that seemed like such a big deal. You know what's a trip? He said that he assumed all women liked it that way because men could get in deeper in that position. See, this is the reason why sexual communication is so essential. If you're out here doing stuff to me out of comparison or assumption, that's a definite way to misfire, more times than not. On the other hand, when I find out that a guy likes a position that isn't my favorite and it's for his own sake and pleasure, typically what I'll do is try and modify it. Back to doggy style. Although I do prefer eye contact positions, there are a couple of exceptions. Like, have you ever seen two cats have sex? It's basically just like doggy style only they tend to be on their stomachs rather than their knees. Some folks call that position the flatiron. Whatever it is, it feels awesome (to me) and it's definitely a modification of going the doggy route; only now, I don't have to keep fidgeting with my arms and/or worrying about if my arch is just right. Or say that your partner really likes sex while you're standing up and you would prefer to take a hard pass on it. If you get up on the edge of a counter or the dryer (while the cycle is on in order to catch the vibrations), that could be a happy medium for you both.
The bottom line here is the best lovers know how to compromise. Not only that, they're not interested in doing something solely for their own benefit if their partner isn't getting fulfilled, on some level, by it. So, while you shouldn't continue to do anything that isn't satisfying (and definitely not something that is painful or uncomfortable), do consider how you can "meet him halfway" on some positions by making a few adjustments. Doing so might end up catching you off guard, in some of the best ways possible.
Don’t “Fake Tolerate” Positions You Don't Like. Discuss.
Just this morning, a friend of mine and I were talking about the importance of authenticity. At the end of the day, being authentic is about being real and a woman by the name of Janet Louis Stephenson once said, "Authenticity requires vulnerability, transparency and integrity." Show you right. I am a huge fan of being authentic which is why I am absolutely not a fan of faking it, on any level, when it comes to sex. A couple of years back, I wrote an article for the platform about why (you can check it out here). One of the main reasons is because faking it is not being honest with your partner and if you're not telling the truth, how is sex supposed to get any better? And sex—it should always be improving upon itself.
That's why, I don't care if it's because you feel self-conscious, talking about it seems "awkward" or you think it will hurt your partner's feelings or that he'll take it too personally—if you keep having sex in positions that you don't enjoy, don't fake it and act like you do. What tends to happen via that approach is you end up resenting him for not pleasing you and he either keeps on thinking everything is fine or he starts to feel some sense of detachment because you don't seem to be as "into it" as he is.
While we're on this point, I really want to make sure that couples in long-term relationships keep this in mind. I've worked with some wives who've been faking sexual pleasure for most of their marriage. They fake an orgasm, wait for their man to fall asleep and then go somewhere else to masturbate. Uh-uh. You deserve to be just as sexually elated and fulfilled as your partner. Still, he's not a mind-reader. He shouldn't be expected to figure out if it's "all good" or not. You need to speak up and tell him (check out "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.").
Yes, You Can Grow to Like Certain Positions in Time.
Aight. You know what I think can nip a lot of this in the bud? Trying new sexual positions. I will never stop saying that one of the biggest challenges when it comes to sex (especially in long-term relationships) is making sure that you and yours don't end up being bored to tears. Well, when it comes to sexual positions specifically, even if there are some that he likes and you don't, who said that the focus needs to remain in that sexual cul-de-sac? I don't know any man who isn't down for adventures of the sexual kind, so why not make the time to check out articles like Women's Health's "This Is What Your Sex-Position Bucket List Should Look Like" (which features 46 positions and illustrations) or the book "Sex Positions: Sex: The Top 100 Sex Positions to Try Before You Die"?
Another tip? Pardon the pun but, stay open. Because a lot of us came into our current sexual situation with our own level of baggage, sometimes we take on the attitude that what we don't like, we never will, when the reality is that sometimes, a different partner can make the same experience totally different. You simply need to relax, not overthink or be willing to explore how your present could end up being very different from your past.
Sexual positions need to be about discovering which ones bring the most mutual pleasure, the most consistently. This requires trial and error, patience and again, a willingness to compromise. Life is too short to be out here hating positions and ultimately, not liking sex as much as you could—and should. Hopefully, these tips will make it all a lil' better. Or at least help you to have more fun trying. #wink
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Shutterstock