Lupita Nyong'o Credits Her Massive Success To Self-Discipline
Everyone has a different idea of what success looks like.
For some, it's being the best they can be in their chosen career paths and making a certain amount of money by a certain period of time. And for others, it means raising happy and healthy kids and/or being a good partner to their significant others. Regardless of your idea of success, there is one ingredient we all need to have in order to achieve it: self-discipline.
But what does self-discipline even look like? Overall, it's the ability to make sound, rational decisions on a daily basis while having an abundant amount of self-control. Those with self-discipline are often the very same ones who have achieved a greater amount of success and are often the happiest. Think about the Oprahs and the Diddys of the world. One thing they all have in common is the mastery of self-discipline: the ability to motivate themselves despite circumstances that are out of their control.
Another true success story is Lupita Nyong'o. The 35-year-old actress didn't get to where she is by accident. The Black Panther star recently sat down with Net-A-Porter to discuss her career, her methods of self-discipline, and how she approaches life.
Self-discipline is a learned behavior.
Even if you come from a disciplined environment, the moment you become free to make your own decisions about life is the very moment self-discipline needs to come into play. It's easy to wild out and lose your focus entirely. Nyong'o says that although she came from a very structured environment growing up, once she entered college at Hampshire University, all of that went out of the window. She says she had to learn how to depend on herself for motivation because no one there was going to do that for her. She says of her experience:
"Hampshire was very generous. But I was apprehensive about the experience. It's a place where you have to design your own major. You just made it up. I didn't like it. I came from a lot of structure, and I didn't understand this thing of doing whatever you wanted. But what I learned was invaluable: to depend on myself, to self-generate and self-motivate. I learned self-discipline because it wasn't being imposed on me."
Self-discipline includes taking time to figure yourself out.
In life, many of us fall victim to the expectations of others. Whether we are seeking the approval of our parents or our friends, we can sometimes lose the very essence of who we are trying to please others. This can force us into a life that isn't truly aligned with our purpose, and, ultimately, can lead to a lot of misery and regret. In order to avoid that, it's imperative to actually take the time to sit down with yourself to understand who you truly are and what matters the most to YOU and only YOU.
Nyong'o reveals that at the age of 24, she experienced a sort of quarter-life crisis. In an excerpt from the interview, she said:
"'I didn't know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, so I went home to sit down with myself and figure things out. I remembered that I had a home, and people who loved me.'"
It wasn't until she forced herself to step away and truly evaluate herself that she discovered her life's calling: becoming an actress.
Self-discipline requires the ability to say "no" to things.
"No" is the most powerful and most universally understood word in any language. When we are focused too much on the expectations of others, it's easy to fall into a pattern of people-pleasing. But when you begin to step into your purpose, the ability to say "no" is what separates those who achieve their goals from the ones that simply let life happen to them. Saying "no" is the ultimate form of taking control of your life.
For the Mexican-born Kenyan, Nyong'o said that despite the patriarchal environment of her youth, she learned the ability to say "no" from watching the power her mom wielded with the word:
"I come from a very patriarchal world, but not within my family. My dad listened to my mom. My mom held her own. She had the power to say 'no' to things, and I saw her hold that power."
Self-discipline is about controlling your mind and impulses.
Self-control is a major component in self-discipline. We certainly have free will in this life, but free will should not come at the expense of controlling your impulses. They often say stress is derived from a lack of control, but when you are able to quiet the mind, you are able to begin to control your thoughts and your reactions to those thoughts and feelings. There are many different avenues one can take to master your mind and impulses, but for Nyong'o, working out on almost a daily basis and practicing meditation has been almost a saving grace. She attended a 10-day silent Vipassana meditation retreat and continues to meditate daily.
"I learned so much in there. It blew my mind. All you are doing is learning this technique of meditation. It was the hardest 10 days of my life. It was also the most restful 10 days...It makes all the difference...Stress is what makes me an insomniac. And I'm a stress-buster, man."
Self-discipline comes from within and being present in the now.
One sure way to misery is depending on the approval of others for our happiness. The opinion of others is fleeting, it is the opinion you have of yourself that will take you the farthest. As an international superstar, you might think Nyong'o is fueled by being in the public eye and the love of those she doesn't even see. However, the actress is not motivated by the limelight and the adoration of her fans. Rather, it's the day-to-day, in real life connections that fuel her.
"You'd be surprised. I think there's a separation between the public and the private. In the arena where I'm being desired, I'm absent. Most of the time, I'm actually not there...The only thing that matters is the private – seeing someone eye-to-eye. Desire from afar is just news."
The ability to self-reflect, to learn how to self-motivate, to master the use of the word "no" and to always remain in the present moment isn't easy, but it certainly is worth it in the end. But like most things, practice makes perfect. Once you decide to focus on self-discipline, watch the world change right in front of you.
To read more of Lupita Nyong'o's interview, click here.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Stress Awareness Month: Sneaky Workplace Triggers Affecting Black Women, And How To Cope
We all know about the major stress triggers of everyday life, from relationship woes to monthly bills to unexpected emergencies, but there are small, subtle triggers that impact Black women in a big way, especially when it comes to work. It’s good to be aware of these sneaky stressors in order to maximize your day and find ways to incorporate solutions into your self-care routines.
Since it’s Stress Awareness Month, we caught up with Keanne Owens, LCSW, founder of Journey To Harmony Therapy Center, to talk about these triggers and what Black women can do to manage and cope.
Owens is an experienced South Florida-based counselor and social worker who offers her services via Grow Therapy, a therapy and medication management platform. She has worked with Black women professionals to unpack issues related to workplace stressors. “One is the pressure to perform–having to meet deadlines and deliverables. And a lot of times, these subtle stressors from performance are put upon ourselves as Black women. We want to make sure we’re doing our best. We don’t want to be critiqued in certain ways.”
Excessive micromanagement leading to fear of overly critical bosses is another subtle trigger that can negatively impact Black women in the workplace.
“Whenever something is done wrong, or we experience some type of injustice and have to report it, it’s the fear of retaliation–[fear that] we won’t be taken seriously or [our words] will be taken out of context because of being deemed as the ‘angry Black woman,’” she said.
Black Women And Workplace Stress Triggers
Her sentiments are backed by research. A recent report by Coqual found that 28% of Black women (compared to 17% of White men) say their supervisor uses “excessive control or attention to detail” when managing them. There’s more: A survey by the National Employment Law Project found that Black workers were “more likely to have concerns (80 percent) and twice as likely as white workers (18 percent) to have unresolved concerns at work, with 39 percent reporting they were “not satisfied with the employer’s response or did not raise concerns for fear of retaliation.”
The survey also found that 14 percent of Black respondents said they “avoided raising concerns to their employer for fear of retaliation—more than twice the average rate of 6 percent for all survey respondents.”
Owens pointed to the fact that these subtle stress triggers can negatively impact our physical health and our career advancement. “A lot of time it’ll affect our productivity,” Owens added. “We start to have negative thoughts of ourselves. The stressors can also cause fatigue. We’re no longer meeting or working up to our desired potential.” Other challenges as a result include insomnia and increased insolation, withdrawal, and lack of motivation to apply for jobs or promotions even when qualified.
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How To Manage Subtle Stress Triggers
While there are systemic issues at play for Black women at work that has less to do with us and more to do with major overhauls that must be addressed by the powers that be, there are steps we can take for the betterment of ourselves and our mental health. Owens offered the following tips:
Tap into a support system, whether it’s a coworker you trust, a family member, an organization, or an outlet like a hobby.
Create a good work-life balance before burnout even starts. “Having certain boundaries [is the goal] such as, for example, if you get off at 5, you get off at 5. If your job description is this, you don’t go above and beyond because that brings you to a lot of burnout,” Owens said.
Prioritize self-care, whatever that means for you. “If you don’t have a routine, create one. Practice mindfulness and even some meditation,” she added.
Create structure in your life outside of work. “Even if you have a family, applying some structure in your routine helps relieve stress,” she said.
Get into grounding techniques. “Do a real quick square breathing exercise, that’s literally 30 seconds, or you can do a grounding technique that’s less than two minutes, right there where you are. You don’t need any other materials. That’s something you can do with just yourself and your body.”
Ask for help. “As Black women, we don’t ask for help enough,” she said. “Find where you need to ask for help. A lot of times, people think that’s indicative of weakness, but we need to rewrite that narrative. It’s okay to ask for help where you see fit. [If] you’re a mom, [it could be] every Wednesday from 5 to 6, your children are with the dad. You have to carve out that time.”
For more information on Grow Therapy, visit their website. You can also find out more about Keanne Owens, LCSW, via BeginYourJourneyToHarmony.com.
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