A Guide To Successfully Sliding In The DMs
Men don't get enough credit for the courage it takes to approach women, especially in a world where we have been known to clown the hell out of them depending on their approach. But as someone who has tried to approach the opposite sex, I can attest to the fact that you tend to say thoughtless or weird shit when you're under the type of anxiety-inducing pressure that comes with making the first move.
However, as we continue to create a new world order — a world that consists of the direct message approach — it's not so uncommon for women to shoot their shot. There's no question that women are shooting their shot, only question is are they setting themselves up for a nice little "oop" or just traveling with zero direction?
Well. Not only did we get some expert-approved tips on sliding in the DMs, and, we even have some stories from ladies who have successfully approached the sex of their choice. And by successful, we mean anything that made it outside of the DMs — from casual sex to sending out wedding announcements.
If you're anything like me, you may have wondered or even feared that approaching men might be a turn-off. But two things to consider are this: 1) is a man who is turned off the right one for you, and 2) some men might find being approached a relief. Shadeen Francis, licensed sex and relationship therapist points out, "many men worry about unintentionally seeming aggressive or abusive," as they should be.
As I said before, I have grown to have hella respect for the guts men have to have when they are interested and must be the first to pursue a woman. In addition to the pressure to not seem aggressive, Francis makes note of "social pressure put on men to initiate conversation." She expounded, "From the stereotype of the smooth R&B 'excuse me miss' to the confident 'let me holla at you for a second', there is the expectation that men who are interested in someone will know what to say and how to say it. They are taught to 'make' others want them."
By making the first move, "It can feel like a nice change of pace for men to be approached…It takes less vulnerability, and can make them feel desired."
Men have been doing this since the dawn of time, before the comfortability of the DMs. Meaning, there's a lot to be learned from them, because why fix what's broken? Eh. This is not to say the system isn't flawed. However, being a student of life means we're also learning from the failures that are interesting gone bad, i.e. catcalling and street harassment. Francis advised, "Do not assume that just because you are a catch, that others need to be interested or available. If someone does not engage, the response is not to be persistent or to fight for it, but to leave room for the other person to choose whether or not to participate. Only a non-coerced yes is a yes, and as always, no means no."
Now that we've covered consent and amped you up Flava-Flav-style...how do we seductively lace it all together and execute? Well it's actually quite simple — be direct! Far too often, myself and other women swear that men can read minds or receive bat signals. We will do everything except be direct, from liking several pictures or commenting on every Insta story to convey interest. Francis says it's best to be clear. Rather than giving nothing but weird indirect vibes, Francis recommends that you "start your engagement on their page with intention."
Ask yourself, "What about them is interesting or attractive to you? Maybe you like their thoughtful captions, or the mission of organization they promote, or their calf muscles. Engage (like, comment, interact in the stories) only with the content that demonstrates that, and then follow up in their DMs. Good conversation makes people feel interesting and it gives them something clear to respond to. That could be a question, or a call-to-action."
Francis suggests using the following formula for crafting your message with intention:
- A greeting
Hey, hi there, etc.
- A compliment
You have great calf muscles, you must train a lot
- An invitation
I'd love to know more about you, hit me up if you're down to talk.
In fact, the formula can be found throughout the stories of these 5 ladies who slid in the DMs oh-so-successfully:
"I was very nervous. He was someone I had seen around in high school and even then we hadn't really spoken besides the passing 'Hi,' so I was worried I would look like a ridiculous stalker. But, besides that I figured what was the worst that could happen? I hadn't ever slid into his or anyone else's DMs before that. I had the hope that if someone wanted to speak to me they would, so to slide in his DMs and take that first step was a ballsy move on my part.
"I started out with something like, 'Hey, I don't know if you remember me from high school, but you are handsome as ever.' To which he said something along the lines of, 'Thank you beautiful, how have you been?' And that conversation lasted for a couple days until he finally asked for my number. It still amazes me to this day that one bold move that I decided to make has led to a thriving, happy, five-year long relationship. This man really is my best friend and if I hadn't mustered up the courage, I could have missed out on my blessing!"
"I was on this HBCU site and they shouted him out for paying off his student loans and I was like, 'WOW, he's kinda cute.' He was tagged, so I went to his page and I was like, 'Oh my God, I think he's cute.' So, I just sent him a message. I don't remember what the message was but we just started flirting back and forth. He was in the DC area, so I told him I'd be home in a few weeks and we set up a date. For our first date, he picked me up from our parents' house and he took me to The Cheesecake Factory and then he took me to smoke hookah and have a drink. I made him wait to have sex with me, maybe one and half, two years and I was so, so disappointed."
"When Brian and I first met, I was nervous a bit. Sure, we bonded over tacos (I'm indecisive, so I swooned when he said, 'just get one of everything!') but I was mainly nervous because it felt different to me. When we parted ways, and I came back to LA, all I could think about was seeing him again. He had never dated anyone long-distance and saw it as a challenge. I, on the other hand, had dated long-distance. I also knew if the person was worth it, you'd work for it. Besides, Phoenix and LA are not too far apart.
"I kept sending him DMs, which were pretty dry. The conversation wouldn't carry on far beyond the usual, 'How was your day?' So, in a last attempt, I decided to invite him to Las Vegas for the 4th of July. If there's anywhere that can help you take the edge off and get to know a stranger, while being surrounded by strangers – it's Vegas! I was already going with a couple of my girlfriends, so I asked if he'd like to get some friends and meet us. When we met up, all of our friends left us (not together) and he and I gallivanted all throughout Vegas together. We stayed up so late walking around casinos, laughing and talking that we got brunch the next morning.
"His response to me reaching out was receptive, but in a way he surprised himself as well. He normally wouldn't have gone to Vegas, but he took a chance. After Vegas, we both felt something was there and were curious. I'm very spontaneous, so the next month I invited him to Cabo! He didn't have a passport, so he had to rush to order a passport. He thought it was crazy, but he liked the connection and thrill as much as I did.
"I had never slid into anyone's DMs before and I never made the first move. Typically, if a guy doesn't prove that he is interested, I move on. I stepped out of my comfort zone and followed my heart with him, and I'm beyond glad that I did because I knew something was different about him. Now we have been together for 4.5 years!"
"My mom always says 'closed mouths don't get fed.' So, I'm a strong advocate for going after what you want in life (career, love, personally) ALWAYS! Sliding into someone's DMs can be nerve-wracking, but it can work out, especially if you are clear with what you want (and honest with yourself) and set your intentions.'"
"Slid in...met them and we went on a date (my treat) that weekend. It felt powerful for me. I knew what I wanted and I went for it. I was a little nervous before he responded -- worried that he would think I was too aggressive, but it worked out--he was flattered that I made the first move. Shortly after, we got into a relationship. It turned out OK. He was great with my son. I wish more women would go for it. The stigma should be gone, and women should be able to go for whatever they want without it being taboo."
"Just do it. The worst they can say is 'no'. And most men won't say 'no' if they are available. Shoot, some will still entertain even if they aren't 100% available. I've done it twice. Once many years ago, and the other was about a year ago. The last time worked in my favor, but we aren't talking anymore -- just weren't compatible."
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
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7 Black Women Bookstagrammers To Follow And The Reads By Black Authors That Empower Us
I've always been a stan for reading, and I've been a so-called book geek since kindergarten. My mom would always reward good grades and behavior with a trip to the local library, something my siblings loved more than any new toys or free time to play outside. We would spend hours at the tall stone building in the downtown area of the small town I spent my childhood in, first in the downstairs "Children's Room" (which only had books for readers 5-13). I later graduated to going (i.e., snuck) upstairs to find all the juicy celebrity autobiographies, travel books, and classics like Sula, Moby Dick, and A Midsummer Night's Dream.
So today, when I see so many Black women part of #bookstagram, I feel seen because many of us love not only to read but to drown in books by Black authors, poets, historians, and researchers who continue to add to the narrative and reflection of what it truly means to be a Black person---a Black woman---in America.
Check out (and follow) a few of my favorite Black women bookstagrammers and the books that empower us:
Zora Neale Hurston is clearly an icon, and she's one of my favorite authors, thought leaders, and scholars, so this is an obvious choice for me. What I love, specifically, about this bookstagrammer's page is that it lacks pretension, is super-relatable, and includes a nice mix of nonfiction books, something I'm trying to boost in my collection.
2.Kayla Starr @blackgirlbookadventures
Another classic, Beloved was a book I unsuccessfully tried to read as a 12-year-old, tried again in my 20s (and failed), saw the film, and then fell back in love with again reading in my 30s. Black Girl Book Adventures is a page that just screams brightness, positivity, and a love for books that draws you near.
3.Black Girl With Books @blackgirlwithbooks
This book had a profound effect on me, as it connected the dots between Ghana (a place that has held a special place in my heart since my 2016 visit) and Black America in a way that blew my mind. It also helps that the storytelling and timelines are captivating and thoughtful in a way that any editor who just loves good writing--in an online content environment that seems to reward robotic, vapid, Grammarly-informed, copycat writing---would appreciate.) The founder of this page also offers info on bookstores and other interesting updates for bibliophile baes.
4.Shani Akilah @_shaniakilah
A love of travel and books? Yes, please! Shani's page is refreshing and welcoming, inviting you in on her global adventures along with her journeys through her latest reads. I'm a huge fan of books that feature Black women protagonists in Caribbean or African settings who are able to come into a higher sense of themselves through challenge or hardship. For some reason, I'm always drawn to those books, which is why this one is a top pick for me.
5.Boipelo Lecha @boipelo.reads.books
I'm not big on romance novels (after having grown out of an early obsession with Danielle Steele). At one point, I'd been yearning for a book that offered an elevated sense of the Black love experience (beyond the esteemed OGs like Terry McMillan, Eric Jerome Dickey, and Zane) and stumbled upon Love In Color. It was just what I needed because it's a collection of classic love stories retold through the lens of the author, and the tales centrally feature women.
Biopelo is an up-and-comer in the #bookstagrammer space.
I've been consumed by Black historical fiction, and this is a good one for the collection. It tells the story of a Black southern family through generations in a way that doesn't feel like a book you were forced to read for a college project. It screams, "Turn me into a six-part Netflix saga," and was a surprise hit for me because I made some very ignorant assumptions about a poet being able to write such a story. (Ah, like Maya Angelou isn't literally a queen in my head.)
Virginia-based Semiyah is literally like my reading tastes twin, down to the mix of types of books she showcases on her page, from romance fiction to new YA titles.
Lex serves up book events and information about new releases to boot, and her page doesn't scream, "Hey, I'm going to just promo books sent to me for free by publishers." On top of that, I support any and everything with the name Tiffany D. Jackson stamped on it. She's a graduate of the other HU (heeeey all my Hampton *cough*, I mean, Howard folk), and the way she puts her special stank on YA will have you wanting to actually relive your own teenage years.
Dare I say, reading her work is like the first time I read Judy Blume, Sister Souljah, and Candy Dawson Boyd---all pioneers in what is now known as young adult fiction. It's authentic, truthful, kind, real, and has a living soul, all elements I yearned for back in the late '80s and '90s as a confused, geeky, Black girl at the library and that I still yearn for as an award-winning editor, editorial manager, and self-employed woman at my big age.
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