It's kinda funny that, while I'm not really big on holidays, I will sometimes run on over to the National Day Calendar, every couple of months or so, just to see what other "special days" I might want to observe. As July comes to a close (and really, where did it go, y'all?), one that caught my attention is July 26 which is National All Or Nothing Day. How cool is it that there's a 24-hour moment in time that's especially set aside so that we can literally go all carpe diem, take big risks and make things happen?
If you read what the day is originally all about, it talks about doing things like quitting your job or mending a broken relationship; it's about taking the all or nothing approach to putting your pride or fears aside in order to make things happen. As for me, when I think about all or nothing, what comes to my mind is loving yourself enough to require that either you get ALL of what you desire out of something (or someone), or you leave ALL of it (or them) alone. ALL OR NOTHING. No more or less than that.
I will admit that it takes some balls to make this kind of boss move. So, before you consider making that phone call or sending that email, ask yourself the following questions. That way, you'll be moving forward responsibly rather than impulsively.
What Do YOU Want?
I'll be the first to say that Nicholas Sparks gets all kinds of side-eyes from me, if for no other reason than I don't recall ever seeing a Black person (with a lead role) in any of his films. Still, that doesn't mean that The Notebook isn't a movie that can still make me watch it whenever it pops up while I'm remote surfing. One scene that I like is when Noah (played by Ryan Gosling) asks Allie (played by Rachel McAdams) what she wanted, both from him and, ultimately for herself. Because really, how can any of us create the kind of life that we wish for without first knowing what we want…what we really want?
The last emotional situationship that I was in, in hindsight, a part of the reason why it lasted—and by that, I mean dragged out—far longer than it should have, is because I wasn't honest enough with myself about what I wanted. Well, what I mean by that is I wanted him without first assessing what kind of relationship I desired first. What I really wanted was to be in something that would be heading towards marriage. But because I focused more on wanting him than wanting that, I put up with all of his commitment-phobic issues.
When I got to the point where marriage meant more than keeping him in my life in a way that was compromising my truest desires, while it did hurt, it was easier to let him go. Being true to what I wanted was worth not staying in something that didn't truly satisfy me, just so I could have a piece of him that wasn't really fulfilling me anyway. Feel me?
What do you want? WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?
What Do YOU Need?
So, why did I put "want" before "need"? Because, let's be real. Most of us are in the circumstances that we're in now because our wants are what mattered more to us than our needs did. Knowing this about humanity has brought me to the conclusion that when we're trying to figure out what to do in life, it's OK to think about what you want first and then decide if "it" complements what you actually need.
Now remember, when you need something, that means it's something that is necessary and essential to your life. What that means is a lot of us don't need as much as we think that we do—or that our wants try and make us feel that we do. That guy that I just mentioned? In order to learn some of the lessons that I did while being involved with him, for a season, I did need him. Now? Not so much. It was necessary to see some things about my patterns, my level of codependency and my overall self-worth. Now that those issues have, for the most part, been resolved, he isn't essential for my life. At least, not right now.
So yeah, while trying to figure out if it's time to take an all or nothing approach to a person, place, thing or idea, figuring out if you need it or not is crucial.
Are You Compromising, Sacrificing, Conceding or Resenting?
I know a lot of people who put compromising and sacrificing in the same boat. I personally don't because I don't mind either word. The reality is that in order to get to where any of us want to be, whether it be personally or professionally, some compromising and sacrificing are going to be required. The key is to make sure that if you are choosing to compromise, it doesn't include your principles, values or self-worth. Also, if it involves another person, some mutual comprising must be going on. And, as far as sacrificing goes, all that means is that you are giving up one good thing in exchange for something that's even better. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with sacrificing, so long as you're applying the true definition of the word to your decision-making process.
Conceding and resenting are a little different. On the concession tip, if all that you're doing is acknowledging or admitting something, that's one thing. But if you are all the way at the point of yielding to pressure or accepting defeat, over and over and over again, how is that—whatever "that" is—benefitting you? And resentment? If you're constantly displeased or bitter, or you're in a situation that is constantly adding insult to injury, so to speak…really, why stay?
It took me a while to get to this point too, but I must say, accepting that healthy compromise and worthwhile sacrificing are good while always conceding and resentment are not, that has definitely helped me to make wiser choices in the "all or nothing" department.
Is It a Straight Road, a Cul-de-Sac or a Dead End?
There's a verse in the Bible that I promise you, I hear God repeat to me sometimes—"And the Lord said to Moses, 'Why do you cry to Me? Tell the children of Israel to go forward.'" (Exodus 14:15—NKJV) It's a reminder that life was designed to be lived with a mindset of forward movement. Moving forward is about advancing and advancing is about progressing, improving and increasing.
If you're in a dilemma, whether it's personal or professional, and you're not sure what to do, ask yourself if "it" is taking you straight forward, if you're going around and around like a cul-de-sac or if it is actually nothing but a dead end? You'll know by whether you are progressing, improving and increasing—or not.
How can you tell if it's probably a dead end? This brings me to my next point.
Is It Teaching You How to Be Patient or How to Waste Your Time?
If there's one thing that's a total game-changer (if you learn to master it), it's knowing the difference between being patient and totally wasting your time. Because, indeed, while good things do come to those who wait and, patience is, no doubt, a virtue, the purpose of patience is to mature us as we wait for something that will prove to be beneficial to us.
So, how can you know if all you're doing is wasting your time? Are you waiting on something (or someone) who is already benefiting your present and shows clear signs of also benefiting your future? Is the waiting process evolving you as an individual or is it causing you to remain stagnant in your personal development—or worse, go backwards? Do you have peace or anxiety during the waiting season? Are you waiting because you are afraid to try something else or new? Is the waiting season that you're in giving you a stronger sense of self or is it actually putting you on an emotional roller coaster ride?
The reason why patience is a virtue is because it's designed to make you a better person. If you know that the waiting that's going on really isn't doing that, then…well…you kinda have your answer—don't you?
Are You Staying Out of Love or Fear?
Love never fails. That's not a love song lyric; that is Scripture and it's the truth. If you don't retain anything else that we discussed here, remember this—the love you have for God and yourself, that should inspire you to want all of the good that this life has to offer. If you are remaining in a state of lack—again, whether it's personally or professionally—does that sound like a manifestation of love or remaining in a cycle of fear?
A writer by the name of Marilyn Ferguson once said, "Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom." If it's time to look something or one in the eye and say, "We've reached the 'all or nothing' portion of the program", remember that love always has an abundance to give you. Don't be so fearful of walking away from something or someone that you stay unfulfilled and, eventually, begin to suffer.
On the other side of moving on is freedom. Love, and all that it has to offer you, is never too far away from that. Happy National All Or Nothing Day, y'all!
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Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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