What People Get Mistaken About The LGBTQ Community
LGBTQ are a group of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans-gender or questioning their sexuality.
I remember the day my sister told me that she identified as lesbian. It had been the first time we saw each other in more than 15 years, and we were so excited about the reunion. But that excitement quickly turned to confusion when she introduced me to her girlfriend.
First of all, she was still married. Then I was confused because her girlfriend was way cuter than my sister (but I guess that's the goal of getting a bae). I had so many questions for her, and had no idea how I would ask her any of them around this beautiful, modelesque brown Barbie doll my sister called her “boo." My sister sensed my curiosity, so she graciously took me to a bar to help me sort through her announcement while we caught up.
I sort of pictured the floor dance to look like this
I hadn't known many gay women before my sister, so I had my sister give me a crash course on lesbian relationships. After answering some of my questions, the next thing I remember is her girlfriend hopping on the floor on all fours to dance when her favorite song was played. I don't know what she did on that floor, but I do know that men started throwing money at her.
My sister shook her head at her boo and said, “Oh, she's temporary. You know what it is." Meaning: her new girlfriend was just someone she was casually sleeping with.
Although my sister's (now old) flame was a great introduction to understanding that there weren't too many differences between lesbian and heterosexual relationships, I still didn't quite understand the subject. Fortunately, I had the privilege to serve with a number of lesbian women in the Navy. It was those women who helped me to understand that they are still a marginalized group.
This year, what they taught me about LGBTQ relationships hit home when this year I learned that I have a cousin who identifies as transexual, and another who was once bisexual. That's when I started to take a better look at how I conducted myself around people that are LGBTQ, and I quickly noticed that people can be very rude to them. Myself included.
I spoke with three lesbian women and a gay man. We talked about everything from religion, to what people typically get mistaken about people who identify as LGBTQ, and even why Caitlyn Jenner is not a hero in one of their eyes. See what they had to tell me in our chat session.
1. “Love the sinner, hate the sin."
After talking to TJ James, a woman who identifies as lesbian in the Houston area, she believes that many people who say this aren't saying it out of genuine love or respect.
“I'm just so frustrated with people feeling as though you're sinning [if you're lesbian]. They always tell me 'I don't condone what you do because it's a sin.' Stop it!"
I understand why this frustrates her. “Love the sinner, hate the sin" is the same phrase that some people repeat to welfare recipients, pot smokers, or unwed mothers. Without even knowing it, you may essentially be calling someone a “degenerate" when you use this phrase, so tread lightly when you say it.
2. “Why do you hate men?"
Lynn McCoy, who lives in the DMV area and identifies as lesbian, told me that this was one thing that bothered her about other people not understanding LGBTQ relationships.
I have to admit that when my sister told me she was lesbian, I thought she was doing it to get back at her husband because she hated him, and all men in general. She's my sister, so I can say that I am somewhat correct in my assumption. But Lynn made me realize that all lesbian women aren't like my crazy sister.
“[I really hate it when people] Assume that we hate men. That in order to love a woman, you must loathe men. That's ridiculous. I just like women, what's wrong with that?"
3. “But you haven't been with me."
I admit that if Serena Williams ever says that she identified as lesbian, I would encourage my husband to say this to her if we ever met, so she can be my sister-wife. (Please note that I'm not gay, but I'm definitely gay for her, because I want her to be my sister-wife.) But I learned from Krissya Sifontes-Vazquez, a professional pin up model who identifies as lesbian in the Los Angeles area, that this could be a really insulting phrase. She told me during our chat,
“I am attracted to females, and there is a reason for it...I always say to [men who say this to me], “Well why are you attracted to females? Are you in any shape or form attracted to males? Well that's exactly why I am attracted to females, so let's keep that in common. [laughs]"
4. “Caitlyn is a hero to some, but not for me."
I was personally happy when Caitlyn was finally able to live the life she's always wanted to live, while unintentionally empowering youth to be who they are as well. I also had this idea that all LGBTQ people were here for her big announcement. Turns out, I was wrong.
I spoke with Elijah Lowder, a man who identifies as gay in Cleveland, and he said that there are other of LGBTQ heroes out there that many people have seemed to have forgotten about.
"...As a gay male that has struggled with identity issues, friends that fell victim to illness, suicide, and murder, I do not find [Caitlyn] heroic. My personal hero was my best friend..She was murdered. She was the one who made me smile while in tears about her own predicaments. [Her name] Was Cece, and she was Transgender. When witnessing members of my community suffering with HIV/AIDS, I think to myself, “They are heroes!" Some could and could not change their outcome, but they fight that same battle that so many lost...I'm not bashing Caitlyn Jenner, but she's not my cup-of-Kermit."
5. We need to love each other more.
One thing they all said to me during my conversations with them is that they wished people would love more and judge less.
It broke my heart hearing that. In the past, I didn't know how to say anything around anyone who was LGBTQ. Looking back, I realized that I came across looking crass, when I didn't mean it at all that way. I know if I had that problem, others have had it as well.
Krissya says,
"I look at everyone as equals, and I now view the world with love. If people in my circle, or around me, don't meet eye-to-eye with that simple concept, then I simply walk away, because there is no need for any type of negativity. I strongly believe that the band “The Beatles" were right [in their song] - 'All You Need Is Love! If we can all make that effort to keep the love, I feel that there wouldn't be so much hate in our world today."
I agree with her, or we should at the least keep insensitive remarks to ourselves. No one deserves to get the feelings hurt on purpose. Before I had the opportunity to ask Elijah why he thought so many people were rude toward those who identified as LGBTQ, he answered the question.
"Sometimes I feel the world is so negative. In all reality it's just not educated about things that [people who identify] as LGBTQ might find typical of our daily lives, or lifestyle. We need to thank one another daily, in an effort to become [someone else's] hero. We don't need to become a hero by murder or the ostracism of society."
A lot more love, and a little less “judgy". I can swing that.
Was there anything that you thought you understood about LGBTQ people, but got wrong? Please share, so that we can all understand, learn, and spread the love.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Curate The Vibes With These Black-Owned Candles For Every Mood
Black women of the 90s and early 2000s had incense, and Black women of today are fully embracing our luxury candle era. Candles have become just as important as our perfume selections, and as a luxury candle connoisseur, I keep all of my favorites in stock in my storage closet.
Whether you’re moving out for the first time and want to try new scents or looking to set the mood for a self-care day or sexy evening, consider these Black-owned candle brands to curate the vibe you’re looking for.
If You’re Feeling Bad & Bougie
The Original Candle
If you’re the bougie friend of the group, this candle is for you. Hanifa has become a staple luxury brand; with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross, Jennifer Hudson, Naomi Campbell, and Danielle Brooks seen in her designs, they have become everyone's favorite brand. They recently launched their first candle, The Original. The candle is infused with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, caramel, sandalwood, jasmine sambac, and vanilla.
When Wash Day Comes...
"Wash Day" Candle
Cavo
Need some inspiration to get up and section that hair so you can get to washing? Not to worry. This pineapple, mango coconut milk, and sugar candle will have your house smelling as good as your favorite conditioner.
Wellness Girl Necessity
Sunday in Brooklyn Candle
If you’re a girl who loves clean scents that clear the energy in your home and feel like the best Sunday you ever had, you need this candle. Infused with wild basil and lemongrass, it’s guaranteed to help you find your zen.
For Sunday Brunch If You’re Hosting
Champagne Showers
Champagne Showers is the perfect candle for a birthday celebration, Sunday brunch night in, or toast to your next big win! The candle includes a blend of bright bergamot, peach fizz, and creamy woods. It’s a bubbly fragrance that’s as sophisticated as our girl, Jackie Aina.
After You Listen To SZA
"After A Good Cry" Candle
Cavo
Let the tears flow, and let the healing begin. This rainwater, lavender, vanilla, and bean and bourbon candle is just what the doctor ordered if you’re getting over a breakup. But once you’re done crying, just remember you're worthy of much more, okay?
For The Lover Girl Era
"Love" Luxury Candle
If you’re done crying and have found the one you’ve been waiting for, let this candle burn as warm as your love for your new boo. Harlem Candle Co.'s "Love" fragrance represents a dramatic, romantic theme with both masculine and feminine accords melding beautifully together, infused with crisp apple and watery green notes.
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