How To Ensure Your Long Distance Relationship Leads To Marriage
If you were to ask me years ago about what I thought about long distance relationships, I'd probably say something along the lines of whimsy, fantasy – verging on the territory of unrealistic.
People get in them under the belief that love conquers all and that they can go the distance, and it really does seem very Disney, which is perhaps the luster of it all. Most people in long distance relationships don't ask for them, but there's an inherent romanticism affiliated with it, the Dear John letters, the flights back and forth, your city, their city, finding creative ways to be present with them even though their absence is the most ever-present detail about the relationship. Admittedly, I was a little wary about love long distance.
Something that really confuses me about long distance relationships is that people seem to get in them for the sake of being in them without any clear end goal or indication where the relationship will lead.
You're long distance, but how long will you be long distance?
Are you moving for them, or will they move for you?
When will you meet in the middle so that the relationship ceases being one that's only long distance? Long distance can't be forever, right?
My next statement might surprise you:
I'm married because of a long distance relationship.
I've actually been in a couple of LDRs, but my last one, which led to my marriage, was the longest one, at nearly two years. I've heard people who have been in long distance relationships for even longer – four years, five years, seven years, even ten. Even though I've been in a couple, I honestly don't have a clue how those couples were able to do it because I certainly couldn't have. The thing is, you never really plan to do long distance, or at least, I didn't. You truly can't help who you fall in love with and where they are situated in the world.
Mine began back in 2014 on a trip to Nigeria, where I was visiting after being away for two years. I met my now husband during that time. We were very platonic with no intentions of getting into a relationship. That was, until I got back to the UK. We started talking more and more, our feelings grew stronger, and we decided to start a relationship. So, there we were, him based in Nigeria, me based in London, madly in love.
The thing is, ever since moving to the UK, I always knew that it was a temporary situation and that I would eventually move back to Nigeria so that shaped my decision to enter into an LDR with my husband when I did. I knew that at some point we would be together physically and that the distance was a temporary roadblock to that reality.
There were a few key points that helped me during my LDR, and this leads me to my first point:
Having A Clear Goal
This should be a mandatory conversation that takes place even before you start the relationship. Where is this going? Is there a goal? Is one person going to move to be with the other? While I'm not saying that a long distance relationship does not have to end up in marriage, as with every other aspect of your life, if the relationship serves no purpose or has no plan, it's less likely to succeed.
Having this sort of conversation can avoid a lot of confusion and conflict in the future and save a lot of time and future heartbreak. They say love conquers all but let's be real, if the love was that strong, one of you would compromise and agree to move to be with the other. So, if you can't do it or aren't willing to do that as a team, move on. In the meantime, have a clear plan of how often you will make trips to visit each other until you can be together on a more permanent basis.
Trust
Trust is probably the most important factor in maintaining any relationship, but especially a long distance one. You're not in the same country and a billion things could run through your mind when you can't get ahold of your partner on the phone or when they go out with their friends. Plus, you'll always have people in your ear who claim to have your best interests at heart, but who are constantly in your ear telling you to be “careful". I actually had friends telling me that I shouldn't get upset if he cheats because he's a man and I'm not there, so it's not easy to refrain, and if so, forgive him. On the flipside of that, I also heard a lot of the phrase, "End it, it's not worth it." Huh?
At the end of the day, you know your partner more than any of them do and you're the one in the relationship, not them, so pay no mind to the naysayers. If you are having any trust issues – which are very likely to happen since you're so far apart – discuss it with your partner, not outsiders. Communication is key in an LDR, which leads me to my next point.
Communication, Communication, Communication!
So many self-help sites and relationship guides will tell you not to overcompensate not seeing each other with phone conversations or messages, but I say why not? I don't mean spending your whole day and night talking to your partner because you wouldn't necessarily do that if you were together physically, but definitely make more of an effort than you would if it wasn't a long distance relationship. This is also a great chance for your friendship to develop without being distracted by the physical.
I laugh whenever I think of how much 02 International and MTN credit we used to burn before we started using FaceTime and Skype to communicate on the regular. It helped us grow as a couple. We learnt so much about each other just through talking and listening to one another extensively. Even when we went for our marriage counselling session, our counsellor was surprised at how much we already knew about each other and how much we had discussed, regarding our future. And finally...
Self-Growth
I really used our time apart to develop myself as a person. When else would I get this much time to myself without my partner? Without sounding selfish, I enjoyed my time alone. I developed hobbies into skills, turned dreams into plans and actions, strengthened relationships with friends and family, and fulfilled a little bucket list of mine too. One of the things I crossed off my bucket list was going out to places by myself more often, instead of waiting for others, i.e. going to the cinema alone.
Everyone has their own ways of dealing with long distance relationships and these are the things that helped me get through mine. It wasn't an easy journey at all and there were times where I may have felt alone, but I never felt the need or desire to quit. He was always worth it. The relationship was always worth it. No matter how different our methods of dealing with the distance may be, you and your partner should both work together to develop a clear goal for the relationship so that both parties know where they are heading and what they are doing, particularly if it is going to be a love that stands the test of space and time.
What are some things that have worked for you and your long distance relationships? Share some of your LDR stories with me in the comments below!
Mimi Osakwe is a PR & Communications Professional, art enthusiast, glorified foodie, and a lifestyle & culture blogger at ramblingsofmissmimi.wordpress.com who rambles weekly on all things life, including relationships, career, societal pressures, places to go, and so much more. You can catch her on Instagram at @ramblings_of_msmimi and on Twitter @MimiOsa_Tweets.
- If You're In A Long-Distance Marriage, Read This | HuffPost Life ›
- 'It really sucks at times': the loneliness of the long-distance marriage ... ›
- Long distance relationship, how I made it work - Business Insider ›
- 15 Successful Long-Distance Relationship Couples On What Made ... ›
- 5 Ways Long-Distance Dating Can Be Great Preparation for Marriage ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Think Homeownership Is Out Of Reach? Here's The Starter Guide To Buying A House
When it comes to homeownership, many of us might be holding some preconceived notions as well as valid fears that it's just out of reach. From the unstable housing market to rising prices, to challenges with employment and other financial factors, it might seem that owning a home was something only our grandmothers or mothers could enjoy. But all hope is not lost.
In fact, research points to Black women being the leaders behind a boost in homeownership in the past few years, and even during the pandemic, we continued on our plight to leaving renting for ownership.
If you've had some doubts or don't know where to start, here's a quick guide for prepping to make your homeownership dreams a reality:
1. Get your mind right.
A 2022 Bank of America survey found that while 48% of Black women "feel confident about their finances," only 28% actually "feel empowered to take action" fueled by this confidence.
This first step is often overlooked, but oftentimes, when we're starting any new journey, especially one that involves a big change both physically (i.e. moving to a whole new environment) and financially, you'll need to set your mind on positive thoughts, confidence, and boldness. You have to know that you can indeed be a homeowner, that you deserve the desires of your heart, and that you are more than capable of navigating the process.
With high rates of student loan debt, rental income disparities, and a lot of the home responsibilities falling on us, among other challenges, it can indeed seem like a tough feat to go the homeownership route, but it is certainly doable with the right mindset, strategy, and support.
Lean into affirmations, prayer, therapy, coaching, and real-life inspiration to clear your mind of doubts and fears and use that energy to progress toward your dream home purchase. Open your mind to all the options, resources, and programs that are afforded to you and the alternative ways to reach your goals.
2. Get real about your finances.
Many experts agree on this second step, as you'll need to know where you are financially in order to be sure of what type of house you want, where you want to live, and whether you can afford the mortgage. Usually, this includes having (or creating) a budget and getting to know your expenses versus your take-home pay. If you don't already have a budget, create one and start to really get focused on knowing exactly what money's coming in and what's going out.
Also, getting into a savings routine and looking into investing, even if it's as simple as signing up for your 401K with your job, opening a retirement account on your own via companies like Fidelity or JP Morgan, or starting brokerage accounts with platforms like Charles Schwab or Robinhood. This will allow you to get into the habit of building wealth and having multiple sources to tap into in terms of financial assets.
3. Stop counting yourself out due to reasons like "bad credit" or low income.
If you need assistance with budgeting or learning more about money management, there are free resources out there (try here or here). You can also tap into local resources like nonprofits, financial advisers, or the professionals you bank with, especially if it's a credit union.
There are also resources for strategizing how to improve your credit, boost your income, and develop better financial fitness habits, so tap into those as well. You can do this! Sit down, write out your goals, work with a coach, and start one small step at a time.
Bad credit and other financial challenges don't necessarily bar you from achieving your dreams of owning a home. Look into rent-to-own options or financiers who offer home loans to people with credit under 620. There are also federal lenders that are ideal for those with low or no credit.
Go into your current bank and get to know your options so that you'll know what's actually available to you and what's possible beyond the fears or negative self-talk. Take a free class via the National Urban League or other local resources through a quick Google search. You'd be surprised what options are out there when you simply make a few appointments, do a bit of research, network, and ask.
4. Figure out your plan for your first payment and the right mortgage fit.
A down payment is often required (or at least encouraged) when you're buying a home, so once you've gotten clear on your financial status, what type of house you want, where, and how much you can afford based on your income, think about how you'll save up (or pay) the first payment for the investment.
Twenty percent of the total cost of the home has often been mentioned as a place to start, but experts say you don't necessarily have to have that much. However, be aware that when you put down less than that, you'll have to get mortgage insurance, and it will likely add to your monthly mortgage payment, so keep that in mind. There are assistance programs on the state and federal levels that can help you navigate this and even assist with the cost, especially if you're a first-time homebuyer. (Start here for more great information on this.)
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When it comes to your dream home and consideration of a mortgage, think outside the box. Your dream home might be a $500,000 ranch-style home in a major metro area but if that's going to have you living above your means or struggling to pay the down payment and monthly mortgage in tough times, considering an adjacent city or county in the same state or the same type of house in an area that's more up-and-coming.
There are also different types of mortgages that might be a good fit for you based on various factors. For example, conventional loans offer low minimum down payments but have more stringent qualifications, while FHA loans are mortgages backed by the Federal Housing Administration and are generally easier to qualify for but have stricter requirements related to mortgage insurance. (You can research more information on types of loans and how to qualify here and here.)
5. Start the pre-approval process and ask lots of questions before agreeing to a loan.
You'll also need to get pre-approved, so once you've found the right type of loan, do your research on who to partner with on your mortgage. Be sure, for example, that if you're going for an FHA loan, the loan provider is FHA-approved. According to NerdWallet, prospective home buyers should consider how a lender’s sample rates compare with today's mortgage rates, determine the closing costs, and "compare mortgage origination fees.” Become super-aware of the terms and timing for the loans and how these might change over time or in the future. Ask lots of questions or get help via a reputable consultant or coach.
Preapproval is necessary for getting the "real numbers," because lenders have access to detailed information about your finances. The process will include a hard credit inquiry, which shows up on your credit report, however, when you apply with multiple lenders around the same time, according to Bankrate, it only counts as one hard pull. This is because credit scoring models "take mortgage rate-shopping into account" and "group multiple inquiries together" if the credit checks all happen within a 45-day period. You'll need documents including W2s, pay stubs, and others (listed here.)
You can use the pre-approved lender at the end of the process, once you're ready to buy, or you can use a new one if, by the end of the process, you've found a better deal.
6. Research and vet your real estate agent before contracting with them.
Experts recommend interviewing multiple buyer's agents to be sure you're getting someone with your best interests at heart. Ask family, friends, and coworkers for referrals, look at the agent's online reviews, and be sure they're licensed in your state. Check out their Zillow or other professional profiles online and look at their track record. Ask them questions like "How long have you been in business," "How well do you know the area," and "How will you be corresponding with me, and how often?" (Here's a full list of interview questions for getting started.)
There’s a difference between a buyer’s agent, who represents a homebuyer in a real estate transaction, and a seller’s or listing agent, who is responsible for looking out for the seller, including pricing and marketing the home. Many agents do both, but some specialize in one or the other. Some states don’t allow dual agency, and it can there are some risks associated with that. There are referral agents who provide leads to other agents for a fee.
7. When shopping around, take your time and don't make hasty decisions.
Work with your real estate agent to view properties and think along the lines of making a long-term investment. You'll more than likely be living in the house for quite some time (even if you plan to sell and move on later) so you'll want to have some forethought on your why and how you'd like to live in the long term. Think about the community, how you'll live in the home, and what will best suit your long-term needs.
Real estate agents also recommend looking for red flags when viewing a home like poor tiling, evidence of leaks, or covering of flaws (such as "strong perfumes" or gaps in tile, for example). Be aware of potential issues like bodies of water nearby (possibility of flooding) or paint bubbling around windows (possible problems with ventilation). They also recommend looking past the aesthetics, lifting carpets, or asking about recent property maintenance.
While this guide is simply a snapshot to get you started, allow it to encourage you to go boldly for your dreams of homeownership with confidence and a plan. Be sure to utilize all resources afforded to you, do your research, and walk proudly into your next elevation to owning the home of your dreams.
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