Stop Doing Most Of The Work In Your (Dating) Relationship
A few months ago, a musician friend of mine and I were discussing our ideas of what a perfect song is. One of the songs that I gave him was Michael Jackson's "Workin' Day and Night". You've got me working, working day and night. I'm so tired, tired now. Lawd, y'all. Some of us can totally relate. I know that, once upon a time, I definitely could.
Listen, doing a lot of work in a marriage is its own article. Today, though, I wanna tackle the topic of those who may find themselves workin' day and night for a man when it comes to dating. And by "dating", I mean anyone who you aren't living with or engaged to (because those bring forth other dynamics too). The season of dating is about getting to know someone better. It's about seeing how well you both gel. It's about getting some insight and clarity on if you desire the same things or not—including one another.
That said, if during this season, you're the one who is putting forth most of the effort in order to make it all work or last, something is very wrong with that. For one thing, relationships are supposed to be based on mutuality (more in a sec). Secondly, when someone is really into you, you shouldn't find yourself worn out from dating them anyway.
If you've read enough of my content on here, you know that I think a lot of answers are found in asking certain questions. And so, if you know that you do way too much in your relationships, here are five foundational questions that, hopefully, can help you to get down to the root of why.
1. Who Taught You to Act That Way?
I will definitely raise my hand in this class and say that I used to be the kind of person who did, at least, 70 percent of the work to keep my relationships afloat. If it wasn't emotionally, it was financially. If it wasn't financially, it was when it came to literally moving things forward. After a lot of self-work, pondering, journaling and unpacking, I think several factors played a role. For one thing, I watched my mother "carry" her second husband in a lot of ways. The insecurities in that relationship taught me how to be codependent and/or controlling. Nothing much more than that. Also, I'm a survivor of childhood abuse. Pick a category.
When you're young, you're innocent. And so, when love isn't given to you in a healthy or consistent way, you tend to think it's your job to do any and everything to compensate.
SMDH. Ever heard the saying "hurt people hurt people"? Yeah, oftentimes what happens is they attract people who are wounded too. That was my next issue. I have some great qualities; I also used to have some really broken areas. The same thing went for the men who I was drawn to. So did some of the people who I considered to be my friends at the time. And so, what was modeled to me, pretty much from every angle, is that love required being always doing the absolute most. By yourself. IT. DOES. NOT.
So yeah, y'all. If you're someone who finds yourself doing most of the work in your relationship, most of the time, the first thing that I recommend you do is pull out your journal and do some self-love journaling. While you're doing that, remember that the very root of the word "relationship" is relate. To relate is to "establish a connection". A connection is something that is a bond—and a genuine and solid one consists of mutual interest and effort. If you can't honestly say that this is the case for you, why is that? Your "why" can be the start of many breakthroughs. If you allow yourself to revisit your past and answer some potentially difficult questions, that is.
2. Is It a Pattern of Yours?
A poet by the name of Tuli Kupferberg once said, "When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge." Lord, ain't that the freakin' truth. The reason why this point is super valid is because, while some of us sometimes do most of the work in their relationships with multiple people, others realize that this only happened once or rarely. The reality is that sometimes, we get so caught up with—or is it consumed by?—a guy that we think that we can't love them—or give to them—enough.
Unlike a lot of people who felt this way, got hurt and now think that anyone who lives like this is toxic—or delusional—AF, I personally don't agree.
Giving your all in a relationship isn't a problem. Giving too soon, giving to someone who doesn't reciprocate, giving without some sort of real commitment being established? That is where all of the challenges typically tend to arise. You are precious. Someone who gets to receive you in abundance needs to treat you as such. What comes with that is them offering up a pretty even exchange. Not you wishing that they would. Them doing things in a way where you see evidence that they do.
If that is not the case for you because you have no idea what reciprocity even looks like, first, let me extend a virtual hug your way. Take it from me, when you are used to doing relationships a certain kind of way, it can be hard to break the pattern—not because you don't know that you deserve so much more. It's because you are simply used to receiving so much less. The best way to pinpoint if this is the problem is to reflect on (at least) your past three relationships.
If you were the one showing up more for all of them—why were you so drawn to that individual, what ways did they show up for you at all and what ultimately caused everything to come to an end? Once you recognize your patterns, you can start putting together a plan to break them. Starting with not getting in too deep with ANYONE who is not responding to the effort that you put into the situation, right out of the gate.
3. Is Going Above and Beyond More About Fear or Control?
This point right here is a really good one. Some of the people who modeled doing-the-absolute-most-in-a-relationship, I know that it was all about fear. Fear of what? Fear of abandonment. Fear of remaining alone. Fear of failure. When it comes to relationships, doing things out of fear really isn't the best idea or strategy. I mean, even the Bible says that "perfect love casts out fear". Know what else it says? It says that "fear is torment" (I John 4:18). That'll preach.
Putting yourself in the position where you choose to constantly go above and beyond for someone who shows—through words and/or deeds—that they have absolutely no interest in doing the same? I don't know too many more things that are mentally and emotionally more tormenting than that. And again, because Scripture says that the opposite of love isn't really hate but fear, if fear is motivating you to do most of the work, isn't that already a huge—HUGE—red flag?
As far as control goes, a motto that I made up that I personally go by, now more than ever, is "love is a gift, not a bribe." Some folks out here? They like to play the constant victim, acting like all that they do in relationships is based on genuine altruism when it's really about trying to control another person—or at least the narrative. Look at me. I did all of this for so-and-so and they did give me what I wanted in return? Uh-huh. Listen, did you do, whatever it is that you did, because you truly cared about them or because you wanted to guilt them into feeling obligated to reciprocate? That can be an "ouch," I know, yet it needs to be put out there.
Love shouldn't be about fear. It shouldn't be about control either. If you are doing so much because you want to manipulate someone into owing you, not only is that toxic, you'll still ultimately find yourself becoming resentful because, deep down, you know that what you're doing isn't right. Or fair. And building in that kind of space can cultivate a kind of karma that you may not truly be prepared for.
4. Do You Get That Men Really Do What They WANT to Do?
While I'm not the kind of woman who thinks that "real men chase women down" (that's another article for another time), what I am very much sure of is the fact that men do what they want to do. They will make time for it. They will prepare for it. And when they are really interested, they will show all the way out. Not because they've got anything to prove—it's simply that they are just that invested.
And here's the thing. Some of us will go on and on about wanting a man who leads the relationship and yet, because we're fearful and/or controlling and/or IMPATIENT, we don't even give them a chance to do just that. Y'all, it took me more years than it ever should have to accept the reality that sometimes, my "overdoing it" was actually emasculating the object of my affection and devotion at the time.
While I thought that the more I did, the more convinced he would be to give in return, oftentimes it either made him feel uncomfortable or even incapable of giving me what I needed. And because I listened to more of my girlfriends say stuff along the lines of, "Girl, there is nothing wrong with you, he's just a jerk," instead of heeding my guy friends when they would say things like, "You do know if he truly wanted to, he would…right," I remained exhausted and disillusioned, far more and longer than I ever should have.
My takeaway point here isn't that you should be entitled (entitled people are the absolute worst) and selfish. It's that you should resolve within yourself that if you feel like you need to fill someone's cup to the point where they feel like they can't breathe because they are damn near drowning (let alone do anything for you in return), scale back a bit. Give him the chance to put some time, effort and energy in. He just might surprise you (if he's interested in you, he definitely will!).
5. How About Getting Still…and Knowing Your Worth?
There's a woman I used to know named Molly Secours who once said something to me that has remained with me since it came out of her mouth. One time, when we were discussing the season and stage that we were currently in, she said, "I dunno. I'm just being still and seeing what comes to me." That'll preach a billion life—and time—saving sermons because a lot of women—single and married—will be out here, straight up pissed, and it's because they feel like their partner isn't showing up for them when they're not getting still enough to let them or they don't take the time to do less so that they can remind their own selves what they are truly deserving of.
Are relationships about giving? Absolutely. Do they require effort? No doubt about it. Yet never forget that, in order to truly relate to someone else, there needs to be investing done on both sides. And while sometimes this may mean that one puts in more work than the other, this shouldn't be a constant.
Both individuals need to show up—or it's not the kind of relationship that is headed anywhere good. And it's definitely not the kind that a good woman is deserving of.
Again, as someone who used to relate to all of what I just said, I promise you that relationships become so much richer and fuller when you stop doing all of the work. You're calmer. You're clearer. And your connections are so much better. Stop "pulling a Michael Jackson" for that man. Let him catch some of the slack.
That's what relationships—healthy relationships—are truly all about, sis.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl In Motion: Paige Shari Addison Shows Us Why She's The Hostess With The Mostess
Paige Shari Addison is the epitome of an ItGirl, which is why she is one of 100 ladies on xoNecole's inaugural ItGirl 100 list in partnership with Hyundai. Hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, Paige started her journey as a host in high school by hosting parties. Since then, she has made a career in hosting, from parties to big-name events, and she launched Strictly RNB, a platform for new artists and R&B lovers. Paige reflects on her creative path in the limited video series "ItGirl in Motion."
“My first curated event at Criminal Records was incredible. It was all for up-and-coming artists,” she says. “I needed a platform for us as a collective to be able to give ourselves the platform instead of asking for it, instead of looking for it. I was like, I want to make sure I let people get this experience that I would give as a performer but enjoy the experience with them. It was a dream come true.”
The Atlanta native also has her own line of acai bowls called Soulfull Bowls. She started it during the pandemic after events and parties shut down. But it was her love for eating acai bowls and the reactions others had to them that made her want to make it her next business move. Being open to creating new ventures in the midst of uncertainty is a bold move and one of the reasons why Paige has the “it” factor.
“Being an ItGirl means you’re just authentic. There’s an air to us. We have confidence that exudes from the way we speak, the way we put our lip gloss on, the way we walk, the way we talk. I show up as myself everytime I walk into a room. I’m hospitable, I make sure everybody’s good,” she says.
Get to know more about the hostess with the mostess in the video above.
See our ItGirl 100 list in full here. Click through the gallery below for some BTS moments of Paige and our partnership with Hyundai.
Director: Mikkoh @mikkoh
Production company: @polly___studio
Producer/AD: Samuel Cho @choboi90
Producer/Tech: Paul Nguyen @paul__winn
DP: Cristian Bernal @cristianbernal
Editor: @30inthemorning
2nd Cam: Paul Nguyen
1st AC: AJ Paug @ajpaug Gaffer: Dennis Albert @dennisalbert_
Audio Mixer: Victor Chavez @vic_the__
PA: Rick Carreno @ispeakrick
PA: Tiffany Do @tivani.doee
BTS Photo: Prime @theartofprime
Car Detail: @sud_studs @slugglobal
Creative Director @hellobosco
Team Lead @kevgumbo3000
Project Manager @zakk_jullot
Creative Producer @iamkingsheyla
Designers @miacolemxn @noelspiva
@xoNecole
Director, Integrated Marketing @_vang
Campaign Manager @kingchachiii
Talent Lead @kaylawalker
Feature image by Prime/ @theartof prime