The easiest way to frustrate a woman is to ask her if her “time of the month” has come around the moment a change in her attitude is sensed. In my career, I have been asked this annoying question multiple times, and each time I promise it took everything in me to refrain from saying something that HR wouldn’t approve of.
Although women are making tremendous strides in the workplace (think Valeisha Butterfield, Nzinga Shaw, and Ericka Pittman) we are still dealing with sexist ideals and stereotypes. Unconsciously and consciously, the world has labeled women in the workplace a certain way. The moment we take a leap outside of those labels, we are criticized. As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie said in her infamous Ted Talk, “We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you would threaten the man.’”
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Chimamanda is right. As girls, we are taught this, and this horrible lesson continues into our adulthood through school, family, friends, products, pop culture, and in the workplace. When it shows in the workplace, it has the potential to affect our work ethic, personal brand, and the way we are seen through the eyes of others.
Here are 8 struggles that only working women will understand.
1. The hair issue
As a woman, especially a Black woman, my hair means everything. As women, we sometimes question ourselves and are concerned about the impression that our hairstyle of choice may bring. Is it too big? Is it too sexy? Is the color and cut professional? Does it look neat?
I don’t know one guy that has these same thoughts and I envy that.
For the longest, I would ask myself those same questions. Once I learned how to truly love myself (including my hair), I became confident in my own skin and hairstyles. Now at work, you can easily catch me with my afro puff, extensions, or press/blowout. *cues India Arie’s ‘I am not my hair’*
2. Does this skirt make my butt look big?
Growing up I was super skinny with no curves whatsoever. Now that I have grown up and have been blessed with feminine curves and assets, I love wearing my heels, skirts, and dresses everywhere, including work.
On the same note, I still catch myself questioning my appearance, wondering if what I am wearing and how I look is appropriate. Is my new lipstick too much? Should I wear a red lip that is not so bold? Is my heel too high? Are my eyebrows on fleek? Do I look too fleeky like I tried too hard to look good? Does my butt look too big in this skirt? *tries on another skirt.* Does my butt look too big in this skirt? Dammit. *looks for skirt that makes my butt look smaller.*
I have learned that no matter what size I am, I need to embrace my body. Even when I’m bloated and my not-so-favorite bra bulge is visible, I still love every inch of me and I refuse to hide it at work. As long as the length of my clothing is appropriate and fits my company’s standards, I can wear as many dresses and high heels that I want. Wearing clothing that celebrates my femininity and curves is a must for me. Hey, when you look good you feel good, right?
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3. Emotion = Drama
When a man becomes angry at work and expresses it through his body language, tone, or choice of words, he is being passionate. When a woman does it, she is hit with being a drama queen or wearing her feelings on her sleeve. Or even more disrespectful, people assume it must be her time of the month.
If you are accused of being too emotional, still continue on being yourself no matter what. Stand your ground, and stand up for what you believe in.
4. People will be surprised to see you in a position of power
I have an undeniably feminine name. My name is Brittani (Brittany, but with an ‘i’), but yet, people still mistaken me for a man when communicating with me through email. I can’t count on one hand how many times I’ve been called “Mr” via email just this year. Even more so, I have been mistaken as the secretary or assistant by customers, and once I explain how I am the person in charge, I receive surprised looks. The most annoying thing about this all is that these looks are not only from men, but also from women.
[Tweet "Girlboss struggle #4: People are annoyingly surprised to see a woman in charge."]
Even though it is annoying, I still put on my biggest smile and keep my head held high when I am approached by people that are surprised to see me in a position of power. For me, it is motivation to keep pushing hard, and to keep striving for more - for better.
5. Your skills and abilities will be questioned
Women are sometimes perceived as being inferior and not strong enough to lead when compared to their male counterparts. This makes it hard for women to compete in leadership positions that are male dominated (think career fields like engineering, tech, construction, etc.).
Just a few months ago, I received a promotion overseeing all of the operations at my property. With this new responsibility of being the HBIC (head boss in charge) for literally everything, that also came with learning new skills. Because I knew people would question my ability to lead this type of operation, I made sure to do my homework ahead of time by completing online trainings, taking online courses, and shadowing influencers and experts. Also, I made it a note to work twice as hard and to stand firm in my position so that I would demonstrate that I not only mean business, but I am the plug that keeps the business running.
6. You have to work twice as hard, but still get paid less
Because often a woman’s work abilities are questioned, we receive more scrutiny from jobs. When workers receive extra scrutiny, this can lead to poorer performance reviews, lower wages and even job loss in some cases. Speaking of lower wages, we all know the gender pay gap still exists. Even when we achieve higher in our education, the pay gap rarely decreases.
Since there is a noticeably pay gap between men and women, I recommend for women to understand their worth and to not be intimidated to negotiate or ask for a raise.
Bonus tip: Ask for your raise before the new budget for the fiscal year is created so that your pay request can be added in the budget.
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7. Your directness will be confused with bitchiness
When men are direct and are to the point, they are viewed as strong leaders. When women are direct, they are accused of being bitchy. This can in return turn employees and employers off and can cloud their judgment about us.
Despite that, own your attitude, values, and working style. Also, identify your working language and the working languages of those around you. Never change who you are, but try to learn how to adapt to others while still being true to yourself.
8. When you are nice and caring, people assume you are weak
Too often, people associate having empathy and a caring attitude as weakness. When we come off as too caring and warm, people assume that we cannot handle stress and are not strong leaders.
[Tweet "Girlboss struggle #8: People think we are weak when we are too nice."]
If at work you are thought of as weak because you show empathy, don’t change who you are. Think about it. Your caring and empathetic attitude is probably what helped you get how far you have gone, and that is probably your superhero power that makes you stand out. Yes people will talk, but money talks louder. Don’t mind those that are not paying you or your bills.
Although women are still dealing with these everyday struggles, the success that we obtain are proof that we know how to come out on top despite all of the things that try to hold us back. Yes, as women we have to overcome more stereotypes than our male counterparts, but the thing that I love most about being a woman is that we don't let it affect who we are and the goals that we are trying to meet. What I find that we do best is shine at every opportunity and prove the doubters that women can and will still continue to run things in the workplace.
What everyday struggles do you deal with as a woman and how do you cope with it/them? Share below and let us know.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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We spoke to NYC-based experience curator and owner of POP! by Yaz, Yasmin “Yaz” Quiles, to help guide first-timers. According to Yasmin, an experience curator is “someone who not only focuses on an actual event but the entire experience, and that can mean anything from the first point of contact, things from an invitation, a website, all the way to the end and after effects.”
If you are hosting the holidays in your home, it is important to touch on all of these points so that your guests can have an experience to remember. Here are the steps to successfully host family and friends for the holidays.
1.Plan and Organize:
Before people start showing up to your house, you must plan out what you need and for how many people. It's also a great time to be creative. “The first part is the dream part because it’s the fun part. What do I envision my event to look like? What do I want my people to feel when they come to my space? Ask all of the questions for the first point of contact,” says Yasmin. “What kind of invitation [am I using?] Who am I inviting? What kind of music are we listening to? The food. So, you start thinking about what the vision is, and then after the dreaming, you organize your thoughts.”
That includes putting together a budget. “See what you have access to, what you need help with, and what you may need to outsource,” she advises. Meaning, this is the time to decide if you and your family will be cooking or if everyone will chip in to get dinner catered.
2.Repurpose Your Items:
Photo courtesy of Yasmin Quiles
As you continue to plan and organize, it's important to take stock of what you already have at home. This can also help you stay within budget. If you have a limited budget then start thinking about how to utilize what you already have in a innovative way.
“I also like to start with inventory. What [are] items in your house that you can use? That way you can determine what it is that you have to get,” she suggests. “I feel like a lot of people always put together a list and it's always 'buy, buy, buy, buy,' versus ‘oh, wait a minute, I actually do have some things that I can utilize and I can just use it in a different way.’”
For example, “Utilizing a console as a small bar area or creating fake fireplaces. I think there are ways to use items in your space so that you don’t have to continue to fill it up with new things.”
3.Make Your Guests Feel Like They Are at Home:
Ever heard the saying, "mi casa es su casa?" You want your space to make guests feel like a home away from home and having a cozy place to sleep plays a major part in that. Be realistic about how many people you can fit comfortably in your home. “Figure out how much space you have in your house and how many people you can truly accommodate,” she says. “What that means is even if you have a two-bedroom apartment, what are some creative ways you can create some space for them? Is it an air mattress or is it getting a hotel that is close to you; Airbnb's?”
You also want to provide your guests with the necessary accouterments and the gift of convenience. If you have certain rituals in your home, you want to make sure your guests can also participate in them. “What I love to do with my guests, I always love to make them feel like they're at home even when they are not, so I like to replicate the things I love in a hotel room. In our house we take off our shoes so we always have disposable slippers here that people can slide on or brand new socks in a basket,” she explains. “That way they can feel immediately comfortable the moment they pass the threshold in your house."
"And in the bathroom or if there’s a powder room, I like to put together a little welcome basket and it can be something as simple as here’s your towel, here’s your washcloth, all the little toiletries you may need," she adds. "I give them their own little stash, that way they don’t feel like they’re burdening me by asking, 'oh, do you have q-tips' or whatever it is. It’s all already set up there for them and it makes them feel so welcome and thought of.”
4.Food and Entertainment:
Photo courtesy of Yasmin Quiles
Along with welcome baskets, the Afro-Latina entrepreneur also enjoys putting lists together with a few of her recommendations. Think, welcome lists you receive at hotels and Airbnb. “I’ll put together a short list of my favorite restaurants, my favorite channels or shows to watch that way they can be entertained while I’m doing other things,” she says.
The holidays involve a lot of cooking and so going out to eat may not be an option. But neither is eating mac and cheese, collard greens, and ham all day, every day. So, it's best to provide options for your guests. “When people go to other people’s homes, they really want the house experience so eating out is great, it’s fine, but I think it really makes people happy when immediately there at home at your house," explains Yasmin.
"What I like to do is immediately have an assortment of snacks available and that means everything from the folks that are on a diet to folks who want to indulge and have a little bit of everything. That way we have a good selection. And [I like to have] things that can be left out for a couple of days as well so I’m thinking pre-packaged items that way [they can] 'grab and go.'”
5.Activities:
When having guests stay over for a few days, you should want to do more than just stay in and look at each other the whole time. Similarly to the way Yasmin advises providing a list of recommendations for eating out and indoor entertainment for guests, she suggests providing guests with a list of favorite stores or favorite markets with recommendations of what to buy.
This can also be a great time to show your guests where you live by going on walks or a scenic drive. "A lot of times these holiday celebrations happen when we are in the midst of planning and doing things and doing all the last-minute errands. Another thing I like to do is photo albums, people love photo albums.”
Yasmin recommends having a physical photo album that you and your guests can look through or a digital frame such as Aura Frames that holds photos online that you can continue to add to.
6.Music:
What’s left is providing the ambiance. One of the many ways that people do this is by having a playlist. Creating a playlist is fun but can also be time-consuming. Not only do you have to add your auntie's favorite Christmas song to the playlist but you may also want to take a trip down memory lane with your siblings and jam to a throwback from your childhood. Yasmin reveals a solution, which she refers to as an “elevated” experience.
“You can hire a DJ. They can do a set on Twitch,” Yasmin says. “There’s a chatroom function so you can put it on your TV, so all the guests who are there can listen to the music live but if there are guests who can’t make it for whatever reason, they can tune in and participate via the chat.”
The experience curator also suggests having a quiet space for those who are more introverted or need a break from the loud music and crowd.
7.The Breakdown:
Whether you and your family decide to cook together or hire a caterer, cleaning up after a big event is always a buzz kill. Yasmin recommends outsourcing help as a way to enjoy yourself and not worry about the aftermath. “Clean up can be a big hassle. It is okay to get a cleaning team. It is okay to hire a bartender. It is okay to hire anybody who can make your job easier,” she assures.
“The point of these events really is to connect and I feel we get so caught up in the doing that we forget that and the party ends and we’re like, ‘Dang, I didn’t get to have a conversation with my best girlfriend who I haven’t seen in six months.’ Give yourself permission to outsource so that you can have a good time.”
For more information about Yasmin, you can visit her website at yazquiles.com and follow her on Instagram @popbyyaz.
Feature image courtesy of Yasmin Quiles
Originally published on December 13, 2022