5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It
I already know I'm gonna get some "push back" on this. That's fine. As a marriage life coach — and someone who has dodged a bullet myself in this area — I've seen emotional affairs happen enough to stand firm on my opinion, which is this: I think having your spouse be your best friend is one of the best ways to affair-proof your marriage.
By no means am I saying that when you get married, your husband or wife should be your everything, that's too much pressure for any human being to endure. I'm not even saying that you shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex. What I am saying is, if you esteem your spouse as being the closest and highest quality friend that you've got (and they see you the same way), you'll probably be more prone to respect, trust, and emotionally rely on them above all of your other relationships. And that? That is what can keep what I'm about to share from creeping up on you.
'Cause here's the deal. Emotional affairs are an epidemic these days. Reportedly, 45 percent of men and 35 percent of women (although I personally believe it's A LOT more than that) have had one; 60 percent of them being work-related.
HBO's Insecure
And if you're someone who happens to think they're "not as bad" as a sexual affair, think again. People in emotional affairs tend to share intimate details about themselves, and sometimes stuff their own significant other doesn't know. People in emotional affairs tend to constantly compare their spouse to the other person. People in emotional affairs tend to have the kind of connection where both individuals really understand and enjoy each other — sometimes above their own husband or wife. What's "innocent" or "not so bad" about that?!
The reason why a lot of emotional affairs go undetected is because while it's clear when something has gone too far physically, sometimes people don't (initially) know when they've crossed the line on an emotional level.
In order to keep you from being an emotional affair statistic, here are some signs that I've noticed can have you caught up in someone who isn't your spouse — whether you realize it or not:
They Give You Butterflies.
Think back to the people who've given you those butterfly feelings, down deep in your stomach before. When you were a child, they were probably a teacher or one of your older siblings' friends. As you got older, it was probably someone you ended up dating, or at least kickin' it with. My point? Either it was someone you had a crush on, or someone who became more than a friend.
If there is someone in your life who has you feeling the way those people in your past did and that person happens to be married or in a relationship with someone else? Spin it however you want to, but you are attracted to them and on a slippery slope.
Attraction is the open door (or gateway drug) to taking relationships to the next level. If someone is spoken for, there should be no "level" on the menus other than a platonic connection and involvement.
Featured image via Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Elaine Welteroth Recalls The ‘Humbling’ Hospital Experience That Sparked Her Maternal Advocacy
Elaine Welteroth is shedding light on the traumatic doctor’s experience that pushed her to advocate for expecting mothers of color.
In an interview with PEOPLE, the former editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue gave a transparent recount of her experience navigating the medical system as a first-time mom.
“I think pregnancy is the most vulnerable time for any woman,” Welteroth said. “I came into childbirth and pregnancy really naive. I was kind of shocked by how little I knew about birth and navigating the medical system.”
She adds, “I thought, I've done hard things in my life. How hard could it be to have a baby? You find a doctor, you go to the hospital, you get the epidural, you have the baby.”
Upon relocating to Los Angeles with her husband, Jonathan Singletary, Welteroth was met with “humbling” encounters with medical professionals while in search of a doctor.
She recalls one occasion with a doctor who cut her off during questioning, enforcing a limit on inquiries per visit. “I had one doctor literally stand up in the middle of a question I was asking, and cut me off and tell me that I exceeded their two to three question max per visit,” she says. “And she walked out on me, and this was the eighth doctor I’d met with.”
“I was asking very straightforward questions like, what's your intervention rate? What's your C-section rate? These are questions every birthing person should be asking of their care provider. I was asking, could I eat or drink water during labor.”
Shockingly, “The doctor literally laughed at me and said, ‘What do you think this is? You can't just walk into a hospital, pop a squat, and have a baby,’ and dismissively walked out of the room.”
Welerorth’s is just one of the many examples of Black women’s growing plea for support and advocacy during pregnancy and childbirth.
According to a 2021 study by the CDC, “the maternal mortality rate for non-Hispanic Black women was 69.9 deaths per 100,000 live births, 2.6 times the rate for non-Hispanic White women.” The NLM also reports that “Black women in the United States (U.S.) disproportionately experience adverse pregnancy outcomes, including maternal mortality, compared to women of other racial and ethnic groups.”
To combat this disparity, Welteroth has launched the BirthFund initiative to help provide midwifery care and support for families and address the alarming maternal mortality rates in the United States, particularly among Black women.
Welteroth’s dream team of “founding funders” include Savannah James, Kelly Rowland, Serena Williams, Ayesha Curry, and more.
“The beauty of this initiative is that it really does meet people where they're at. It’s a grassroots fundraising effort,” she says. “These are women and privileged folks who understand how broken this system is because of their own personal experiences, and we all come together and agree that we need a change.”
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Featured image by Rodin Eckenroth/Getty Images for The 2024 MAKERS Conference