When Viola Davis speaks, the whole world listens.
The Oscar-winning actress has been known to not only speak her mind, but to command the attention of audiences when she does so. Who can forget her epic speech at the 2015 Emmy Awards when she accepted her award for Best Supporting Actress. She powerfully and captivatingly echoed the cries of women of color in Hollywood, and everywhere for that matter, when she said:
"And let me tell you something. The only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity. You cannot win an Emmy for roles that are simply not there."
The How To Get Away With Murder star recently sat down with Variety to continue this discussion, as well as reflect on her new role in the upcoming film Widows, her upbringing, her hair, and why all of our stories deserved to be told.
There has been a lot of momentum building since Davis gave that speech in 2015. Hollywood is in the midst of a defining moment: they will either listen to the countless voices of women who align with the Me Too and Times Up movements, or they will not. Simply put, opportunity and gender parity in Hollywood is the most visible example of discrimination and pay inequality in workplaces all over the country. More and more women in Hollywood have spoken out against this, even at the risk of their careers. Thandie Newton, Monique, Nia Long, and many others have used their platform to talk about the pay disparity in Hollywood, and Davis also echos the same sentiment when she says:
"There are no percentages to show the difference. It's vast. Hispanic women, Asian women, black women, we don't get paid what Caucasian women get paid. We just don't. … We have the talent. It's the opportunity that we're lacking."
In line with all of this, Davis says that the desire for increased representation is at an all-time high, and it is important for people to truly see that we aren't all the same. The black community shouldn't be relegated to only a few different types of images: we are complex, diverse, and individually unique and people from all walks of life deserve to see us all in ALL our glory. She told Variety:
"We're into a zeitgeist where people are fighting for their space to be seen...People have to know that there are different types of women of color. We're not all Foxy Brown. We're not all brown or light-skinned beauties with a big Afro. We have the girl next door. We have the older, dark-skinned, natural-haired woman."
Speaking of natural hair, Davis wowed viewers in more ways than one when she was the first black actress to win the Emmy for lead actress in 2015. When the actress chose to wear her own natural hair on the red carpet, she not only validated the natural hair movement, but she made us all feel seen. In her interview, Davis acknowledges what every black woman knows and ultimately contends with self-image in regards to our hair because of myths we've been taught all of our lives. She said:
"You're always taught as a person of color to not like your hair. The kinkier it is, the so-called nappier it is, the uglier it is."
In her new leading role in the film Widows, Davis not only gets to do dispel this myth by wearing her natural locks in the film, but it was actually at the suggestion of the film's director Steve McQueen. McQueen insisted that she wear her natural hair for this role because he wants to reflect reality and not "the artificial and idealized images of female beauty that Hollywood frequently projects." Although the role was initially written for a white actress, Davis is in a position to break down yet another barrier in film.
The Fences star has always been open about the struggles she experienced in her last. She's spoken about growing up in abject poverty as the daughter of an alcoholic father and activist mother. She says that in sharing her journey, she gets to honor that little girl within her who had big dreams despite her circumstances. She reveals:
"If I didn't talk about my journey, I would be denying that 6-year-old girl who was hungry, who wet the bed, but who also was tough. She also dreamed big. She also was a lot of fun. A huge part of who I am is still trying to please her."
Many of us can relate to this sentiment. Pleasing that little girl within is what dreams are made of, but as we grow older we fall victim to the perceptions and judgment of others. If we aren't able to find value in ourselves, we leave it up to others to determine our worth. For Davis, she believes that we are all worthy in God's eyes and that "hustling for your worth" is a huge mistake. She says:
"People in general are always hustling for our worth...People in positions of power are always telling you that you're less than or you're unworthy. I'm a Christian. I reject that. We're born worthy. You need to take [unworthiness] off the table."
To read more of her interview with Variety, click here.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
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Unmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
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Okay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
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If off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
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A friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
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It’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
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I once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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