Sheryl Underwood Opens Up About Her Husband's Suicide
Only days after Kate Spade's untimely death was confirmed, news outlets reported that celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain was also confirmed deceased in an apparent suicide by hanging. CNN recently reported that suicide rates in the US had risen 25% since 1999. According to the CDC, more than half of people who commit suicide are not diagnosed with a mental health condition. Factors like financial or psychological stress are cited as the leading causes of suicide, but I attest that the common denominator among all suicide victims is pain.
As a woman who suffers from severe highs and lows, I've had moments in my life where I've considered if the world would be a better place without me in it. Though I'm among the few who have survived thoughts of self-destruction, it's unfortunate to say that not everyone is so lucky.
The back-to-back deaths of two industry hard-hitters (along with the increasing number of mass shootings) should urge us to question the state of mental health in our country. Celebrities like Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain prove that celebrities aren't immune to mental health issues.
Sheryl Underwood joined the conversation with an alternate perspective yesterday on The Talk. She shared that the recently publicized celebrity deaths hit especially close to home because she is the survivor of a suicide victim.
We usually focus on the victim, but rarely take into account the trauma that the victim's family endures long after their death. Sheryl shared that her husband committed suicide years ago, but her pain still lives on today.
"I'm kind of emotional about this because, as you know my husband killed himself. And you will never know. For people who think they know, you'll never know if it's clinical depression. You'll never know if it's financial stress. You'll never know."
According to TMZ, Sheryl and her husband, who she chose to keep unnamed, had been married after four years of dating and he committed suicide three years later. Although suicide notes are assumed to be a letter of endearment for the victim's survivors, Sheryl says that the note her husband left behind also left her with an open wound.
"I'm sad for her daughter for that to be in the note because my husband left a note. And what the note does to the person who's still alive, it shows that the person who's no longer alive has now had the final word. There's nothing you can do about it now."
Sheryl said that her experience with suicide helps her understand more than ever that your mental health should never be ignored. Ending it all can mean beginning a lifetime of pain for the ones that love you. She continued:
"And that pain does not…it doesn't go away. So I really hope that the family can come together for her daughter because it just doesn't go away. So for people that need help, they need to get the help that they need. And for those who are left behind, you get help also."
Even after her traumatic experience, Sheryl reminds us all that we will never be given more than we can handle and God will never put more on us than we can bear. In 2016, she told People:
"I've been through a lot. But it's not all woe is me. This is a journey."
"Everything I went through made me stronger. You may never forget it, but in remembering it you should make it better for the next person."
Featured image Sonja Flemming/CBS
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images
