

This is something that I've been wanting to write about for a while now. There are a few reasons why too. One is that I grew up hearing that happiness is an emotion — and a fleeting one at that; that's why the focus should actually be more on being in a state of joy. Secondly, I can't tell you how many times I have looked a husband or wife in the eye as they told me they were leaving their marriage — not because of infidelity or abuse; it was simply because "I'm not happy anymore" (more on that in a bit). And three, I also can't tell you how many times a day will go by without me hearing or reading some variation of "do whatever makes you happy". LAWD.
Am I anti-happiness? That would be borderline ridiculous. What I will say, though, is because this is a topic that isn't addressed nearly enough (at least, in my opinion), I do think that happiness has become an idol for a lot of people — one that is causing a lot of folks to lose sight of what should be more important: being healthy. Holistically so.
So, let's knock it out. I've got six reasons why this obsession with being happy all of the time should be redirected into getting and staying healthy. Even if that means not always being happy in order to get there. And while that might sound like a concession at first, trust me, this kind of life approach is a great flex. Here's why.
1. A Ton of Toxic Ish Can Make You “Happy”
Shellie Reneè Warren? If there is one thing that she — who is I — is all about is a good orgasm. And y'all, when I was out here throwing my legs back, something that made me extremely happy was sex. Not just sex with any man but a fine, chocolate, and super tall Black one who had a real freaky side. And y'all, while we were in the newness of the situationship or while we were having sex, I was extremely happy. Oh, but when the positive sign on a pregnancy test, when I had to go to the doctor to treat chlamydia when I found out that some of them were lying to me for weeks or months on end — do I need to go on? — none of that made me very happy at all. And the unhappiness? It typically lasted longer than the happiness did.
That said, a definition of happiness is "pleasure." You know, when my father was drunk or high, he used to say that made him happy. He's gone now. Intentional overdosing from substance abuse did it.
Point is, do you know how much toxic BS out here can make you temporarily happy and yet not be good for you at all? So many spouses that I've worked with have cheated on their partner with someone who, according to them, "makes them happy". Yet what they are really saying is the person brought them pleasure. Noted. Still, at what cost? Making decisions solely based on what tickles your fancy at any given time isn't a sign of maturity — it's actually quite the opposite. While pleasure is cool, it shouldn't be a main motivator in why you do — or don't do — what you do. Mostly because, like an orgasm or a high, it's very momentary.
This brings me to my next point.
2. Happiness Is Temporary and Circumstantial
If you're currently in a serious relationship and are contemplating marriage (check out "Please Be Clear On These 7 Things Before Getting Engaged"), I'm gonna just put it right on out there and say that if your main reason for doing so is because your man "makes you happy", you should definitely pump the brakes.
For one thing, it's too much pressure on anyone to expect them to make you happy. You need to figure out how to do that for yourself because humans (including the love of your life) are fallible which means they are going to disappoint you from time to time which means that there will be times when you are totally unhappy with them. Next, happiness is fickle AF. It's totally based on circumstances and since circumstances are constantly subject to change, that means relying on them to make you happy all of the time is futile.
Again, this is a very valid reason for why so many marriages don't last. Folks don't take all of what I just said into account, so the moment that they aren't delighted in someone, ecstatic over the relationship or in a state of bliss about their commitment, they take that as their cue to bounce and find someone else who will get them back to their "happy place". Problem is, eventually the next person will disappoint them too. Now what?
Is it wonderful when you can feel happy about your life? Sure. Know what's better? When you can understand that like all things in this world, happiness has peak moments and also times when it's not nearly as present. That way, you won't find yourself making poor choices, all because you're chasing the happiness feeling rather than doing what's actually best, long-term, for you. And speaking of that…next point.
3. “Happy” Can Be Rooted in Selfishness and Irresponsibility
Most of y'all know that I am a marriage life coach which is why marriage examples are what I provide a lot. For this particular point — whew. There is a former client of mine who cheated on her husband (among a lot of other things), her husband wanted to make things work anyway, she filed for divorce and then a few months later, she came to me about wanting to reconcile with him. We did over a year of counseling, they got married again and then, after a few years, she filed again (this chick). Her reason? She wasn't "happy" anymore. And as if that wasn't draining enough, a few weeks after the divorce, she came to her ex-husband talking about wanting to get married for the third time. Hmph. I'm pretty sure you can just about guess what her ex had to say about that.
Twice, this woman blew up her family (they've got kids). Yet because she's so addicted to "feeling happy", she didn't care. In fact, she's so self-consumed, immature and irresponsible that she allows her emotions to sway her like a kite on a windy day — whatever she thinks will make her happy at any given time, that's what she wants to do, regardless of how her choices will affect other people.
Self-aware and emotionally mature people know that sometimes, you've gotta do things that don't make you happy. How do I know? I mean, does going to work every day always make you happy? Does paying bills always make you happy? Does doing things for others when you'd rather focus on yourself always make you happy? No. That doesn't change the fact that they are still the right and responsible things to do. That doesn't change the fact that you know that you need to overlook your current feelings about what needs to be done, so that you can feel more content in the long run.
Oftentimes, happiness is so euphoric that it doesn't care about using foresight. That's why it's far more beneficial, in the long run, to allow healthy rather than happy to be your guide.
And this brings us to my next point.
4. “Healthy” Can Help You to Make Wiser Decisions
A part of the reason why I'm so passionate about this topic is because, I know that the moment when I started saying to myself, "Forget what makes me happy. What will make and then keep me healthy?", the quality of my life, overall, drastically began to improve. That's because, rather than looking for the people, places, things and ideas that solely brought me pleasure, I sought out what would help me to achieve being what healthy, by definition, does.
To be healthy is to be sound. To be healthy is to be mentally strong. To be healthy is to be energetic, stable and powerful. To be healthy is to have a full life.
Now just think about it. If all you're looking for is what can bring you pleasure (one definition of that is "frivolous entertainment", by the way), can you see how that could result in you ultimately making all sorts of impulsive and/or reckless decisions? On the other hand, when you're out to do what makes your mind, body and spirit healthy, can you see how that can totally shift your energy and focus? By doing what makes you healthy, that can bring you so much more than temporary happiness; it can cultivate lasting joy. Next point.
5. “Healthy” Typically Lasts Longer
Interestingly enough, one definition of happiness is contentment. To me, I think this is the spiritual approach to the word because you've got to be in a pretty good space, spiritually, to even understand what it means to be content and how to embrace it as a total life goal. To be content is to be "satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else" — and geeze, how many people do you know who live like this?
For the record, being content isn't about being stagnant (check out "6 Questions To Ask Yourself To See If You're Stagnant (Or Not)"). Being content isn't about settling either. However, it does mean that you are not out here, refusing to take accountability for the choices and commitments that you've made — whether personally or professionally — just because you "feel" like it.
Contentment is about being "adult enough" to understand that always looking for immediate gratification or the next thing to tickle your fancy isn't the wisest way to move. Contentment reminds us all to think ahead and factor in as many outcomes as possible when it comes to the decisions that we make; it reminds us that it's not solely about what will make us feel good now but what will be the smartest thing to do that will last for the duration.
And when you approach things from this angle, you've got a far greater chance of your marriage, your relationships, your money, your health…I could go on and on, being in a solid and stable state for years to come. One more point.
6. There’s Growth in Being Happy About Getting Healthy
While in an interview not too long ago, someone asked me what I thought a sign of true internal evolution is. My reply was, "When you can learn to want what you need, you have truly evolved." Something about children is they couldn't care less about wanting their needs. In fact, it's almost like they see their needs as their nemesis. Teenagers are quite similar because they think they are so "grown" that they know what is best for them and oftentimes, whatever that is, it still falls into the "want" category.
However, when you've really become an adult — and by that, I mean more mature not just older — you really do start to take note of what is the right thing for your overall health and well-being. And, whatever THAT is, it is what you start getting "happy" about…because you know that it will be as good for you as it has the potential to be good to you (check out "Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?").
I already know. This was a "big girl panties" kind of piece. Yet I can guarantee that if you start shifting your focus from happy to healthy, you really will make smarter choices which can help you to become full of lasting joy in the long run. Maybe not immediately but definitely eventually — and that's a good thing. For you. Literally.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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The millennial in me is nostalgic at best...and at worst, deeply, deeply yearning. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the past.
In the days of old, community was never hard to find. It was a knock on the door from a neighborhood friend who needed no invitation. It was trading jokes over lunch and lingering strolls after the final bell. It was choir practice on Saturdays and giggling in the pews on Sundays.
The love was free and plentiful, and my cup runneth over.
But there was a certain rhythm to the ’90s and early 2000s. People were ever-present in the most ordinary ways, and fortunately, this followed me well into adulthood. The door knocks have since turned into tequila shots, and brunch on Sundays became my new sanctuary, but you know...same thing!
However, life has changed drastically, and with it, so have we. Sometimes by force (2020..no other words needed, amirite), and other times by the natural, inevitable flow of growing up.
As we age, our identities become more defined. And while the people we’ve always loved still matter deeply, we start to crave new connections and experiences that reflect who we’re becoming.
When COVID reared its ugly head, not only did it disrupt the lives we knew, it pushed us to reevaluate the lives we want… and the people we want in them. For many, it exposed a loneliness that had already been there beneath the surface. It made space for questions we hadn’t slowed down to ask: What do I truly enjoy? Who do I feel most myself around?
After months of quarantine and isolation, we were left craving connection in a deeper, more intentional way. This sparked a renewed interest in “the third space.”
Coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg, the term refers to those places beyond home (first space) and work (second space) where people gather, build relationships, and foster community. Think coffee shops, libraries, dance studios, run clubs, and other environments that offer connection outside of our daily obligations.
My own desire to find like-minded folks has only intensified over the past few years. And as a self-proclaimed medicine woman and wellness enthusiast, I went looking for spaces that felt good, and found more than a few.
So if you're in NYC and searching for places that feed your spirit (and tend to your interests), consider this your starter guide. Whether it's a wellness club, a run group, or a kickball league, these third spaces might just feel like home.
A Safe Space Mentor
My Shaylaaa.
What started out as a simple offering from founder Teya Knapp has grown into one of the most intentional, heartfelt communities I’ve had the privilege to be part of. Together with COO Jasmine Dayze, they have cultivated more than a collective—it’s a movement rooted in community care, softness, and restoration.
A nonprofit centered on mental health advocacy and equity, A Safe Space Mentor has redefined the possibilities of communal healing. With over 22 fully funded retreats to date (yes, free), monthly programs ranging from support groups and hikes to pottery classes, free therapy, and now a physical home at A Safe Place Studios, they’ve built an ecosystem where people can show up fully and be accepted just as they are.
I came across them by chance, but as fate would have it, it allowed me to bloom in ways I never saw coming, surrounded by women who affirm and love me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I’m serious, ya’ll. Even at the risk of sounding dramatic: expect to be changed, to find friends, possibly even family, and maybe a group chat, too.
Beyond their no-cost offerings, they also host weekly yoga and meditation classes, massages, and more. Learn more about this beautiful space here, and keep an eye out for their upcoming Juneteenth gathering.
NARC
Who needs Hinge when there’s a run club? (Kidding... kind of.)
NARC, short for Not a Run Club, is technically a run club but with a twist. Co-founded by Omari Ross and Noah Hutchins, NARC takes a holistic approach to fitness and community. Picture track workouts, dynamic circuits, core finishers, followed by a post-workout brunch with the crew. Sure, the occasional match may be made, but at its core, NARC is about connection, movement, and showing up for yourself and others.
It’s the kind of space where most people arrive solo but rarely leave without a new friend or a new perspective. And personally? I never tire of seeing Black men love on one another out loud.
If you’re looking for a solid sweat (not gonna lie, it gives Olympic training at times), laughs, and folks that show up rain or shine, they’ve got you. Beyond the track, they also host boxing classes, hot yoga sessions, social mixers, and a number of other events. NARC meets every Saturday at McCarren Park at 10 a.m. unless otherwise noted. Learn more here.
The Music Nerds
My favorite part about The Music Nerds? The DJ. Scene Serene, a former music journalist turned vibe curator, created this club out of pure love for music and the Black people who create it. And that love is felt in every detail.
Past functions have celebrated Kendrick Lamar, Black women in music, and Virginia legends, each thoughtfully crafted to tell a story through sound. Here, you’re not just dancing, you’re feeling, remembering, and reflecting, too. Additionally, she kicks off each event with icebreaker quote cards to spark conversation, because the vibe isn’t just in the music; it’s also in the people.
That sense of connection comes full circle in her choice of venues, which are always Black-owned spaces that feel safe and inclusive for all Black folk. After all, if we don’t support each other, who will?
This isn’t just a party. It’s a celebration of culture, connection, and Black joy…and yes, it’s free! She’s cooking up some magic for the summer, so follow her here to stay in the loop.
SociaLight Social Club
For the anti-social socialite or the extrovert who wants a little more intimate play, the SociaLight Club might be your sweet spot.
Nayah, the founder, is all about curating intimate, low-pressure gatherings that bring people together through random yet delightful activities, all while supporting Black-owned businesses in the process.
From coworking days to supper clubs and nights building LEGOs, it’s the kind of space where you can show up as you are and end up discovering new people and new passions. It’s chill, it’s intentional, and very much a vibe. Keep up with her events here.
Recess Kickball League
Black folks deserve to frolic, dilly-dally, and straight-up play. And that’s the spirit behind Recess Kickball League. Though kickball is the anchor, it’s really about reclaiming joy through movement and connection.
Founded by five friends during the lockdowns of 2020 (Emmanuel Maduakolam, Christopher Thomas, Cris Jones, Daemon “Tubbs” Krueger, and Ermias Tessema), the club started as a way to get outside and let loose, and now it’s blossomed into a thriving community with leagues in both LA and Brooklyn.
If you’ve been looking for field day vibes and opportunities to love on your inner child, keep up with them here.
The Free Black Women’s Library
Tucked in the heart of Bed-Stuy, The Free Black Women’s Library is a cozy nook that centers Black women and holds space for book lovers, creatives, and community-builders alike.
Founded by OlaRonke Akinmowo, it functions as more than a library but a cultural hub. While every book is written by a Black woman or non-binary author, she also hosts grief workshops, writing circles, and curated events that honor both healing and imagination, too. Their monthly calendar is packed with offerings that meet you where you are, celebrating who we are and who we’re becoming.
And the best part? You don’t have to buy a book, you can swap one. Bring something you’ve read, and leave with something new. Keep up with them here.
Peak & Pace
This one’s for the runners and the lovers. If you’re looking to meet your future bae who’s into fitness and a good Sunday reset, Peak & Pace might just be your new favorite link.
Founded by London native Owen Akhibi after relocating to NYC, the club was born out of something a lot of us know too well: feeling a little lonely in a big city. So he created a space that brings people together who just so happen to run.
Every meetup ends with a social, and some runs come with fun themes like wearing flags repping your country to wristbands signaling your relationship status (lovers tap in!). Off the track, they host yoga, comedy nights, parties, and other events to build real connections. They meet every Saturday at Prospect Park at 10 a.m. Tap in with them here.
Free Peace Meditation Club
Free Peace Meditation Club offers a rare pause in the middle of NYC’s bustling Lower East Side, encouraging folks to be still in the midst of chaos while finding beauty in it, too. What began as a simple conversation between Kenji Summers and Angelo Baque has blossomed into a welcoming sanctuary where New Yorkers gather to unplug, recenter, and recharge.
Hosted monthly at the artfully decorated Awake NY, this community-driven experience invites participants to reconnect through guided reflection, mindful breathwork, and thoughtfully curated music that features the rich sounds of New York’s rap, R&B, and jazz artists. FPANYMC stands as a powerful affirmation that stillness is not a luxury but an essential practice. Keep up with them here.
Knot Okay Club
This one’s for the soft girls, the creatives, and anyone who’s ever needed to crochet their stress away.
Knot Okay Club brings Black women and non-binary folks together through fiber arts. It’s about slowing down, making something with your hands, and feeling held while you do it. The work might be small and intentional, but the connection? That’s the magic. Learn more about them here.
Girls That Gather
Lauren Franco started Girls That Gather after moving to NYC and realizing just how hard it can be to find genuine connections as an adult.
What began as a way to bring women together has grown into a go-to space for meaningful conversation and real friendship. From curated dinner parties to small, cozy events, everything is designed to feel easy and intentional. No awkward networking energy, just good vibes and even better people. Learn more about them here.
Adanne Bookshop
Adanne is one of those places that makes you want to linger.
Tucked away in Brooklyn and owned by educator Darlene Okpo, this Black woman-owned bookshop is as intentional as it is inviting. The books are curated with care, the energy is warm, and the events, from author talks to community gatherings to incense-making, always leave you a little more full than when you walked in.
It’s not just a bookstore; it’s a cultural anchor. Check out their events here.
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