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<p><em><a href="https://www.xonecole.com/money-talks/" target="_self">Money Talks</a> is an xoNecole series where we talk candidly to real women about how they spend money, their relationship with money, and how they spend it.</em></p><p><em></em>At only 24 years old, <a href="https://www.instagram.com/theboujiebudgeter/" target="_blank"><u>Mykail James</u></a> is the founder of <a href="https://www.boujiebudgets.com/about" target="_blank"><u>BoujieBudgets.com</u></a>, an online platform dedicated to teaching Generation Z professionals how to finance and live their best spending savvy lives! The self-proclaimed "Boujie Budgeter" told xoNecole that she makes $71K annually, with a rough estimated monthly income of $3,500, which makes total sense after graduating with her MBA focused in accounting and shortly after becoming a Certified Financial Literacy Instructor. The University of Hampton graduate now implements modern-day pop culture references and Gen Z jargon to better breakdown budgeting, saving and <a data-linked-post="2646952824" href="https://www.xonecole.com/money-talks-chanel-nicole-scott/" target="_blank">investing</a>.</p><p>
Aside from being a well-respected financial analyst, Mykail James is taking the fiscally responsible road of a young woman in her 20s by saving her coins and living with her parents. "I am blessed to live at home with my parents, but I am saving up for a home and dedicate $1,300/month to my future home," she admitted to xoNecole. There's no shame in her game and we absolutely love that she is making everything right before up and leaving her parents' pad.
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<strong>In this installment of "Money Talks", xoNecole spoke with the Washington, D.C. bred budgeting expert about her tactics to save more by making access into her accounts harder, her parents not allowing her to work through college and her four category budget breakdown.</strong>
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<em>Featured Image Courtesy of Mykail James/Tequilla White Public Relations</em></p>
On her definitions of wealth and success:
<p>"Wealth is constant, sustainable access to financial means. I define success as creating the life of desire. Success is not a specific thing, it is a collection of accomplishments that create a desired life and feeling. Success is a constant state of life happiness."</p>On the lowest she’s ever felt when it came to her finances and how she overcame it:
<p>"My parents, specifically my dad, signed a Parent Plus Loan to put me through college. I have my own $75K student loan bill, but one day I saw his total bill. His bill totaled over $100K and my stomach dropped. My parents worked so hard and the only way we could afford college was through loans and it put lots of things into perspective. It's a constant reminder of what I'm working towards. The first thing I did was purchase a life insurance policy, because I wanted to be sure that my father could afford to pay off my debts if the unthinkable happened. I realigned my goals and created a new vision of what financial freedom would look like. It no longer only involved my freedom, but also my parents."</p>On her biggest splurge to date:
<p>"My biggest splurge was a $5K VIP Day for a business coaching program. I bought it because I thought it would be the magic key to creating a great and profitable business. It did not."</p><img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDc4NjA3My9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzODY0NTc1OX0._Lt7nqlLCKzO0uITEKduclGi30eKXPEFTS0_W6i9tus/img.jpg?width=980" id="7aaca" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="9abe10b60dd69ed9ef7cc01dac762bc8" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="mykail-james-sitting" />
Mykail James/Tequilla White PR
<h5>"Wealth is constant, sustainable access to financial means. I define success as creating the life of desire."</h5>On whether she’s a spender or a saver:
<p>"I consider myself a saving spender. I love spending my money on experiences, great restaurants, and traveling. Because I know I can overspend if I don't watch myself, I created a separate spending account. I give myself $200 in spending money every paycheck, so about $400/month. I also make it extremely hard to get access to my savings. I use vehicles like Certificate Deposits (CDs) and unlink my high yield savings accounts from my other bank accounts." </p>On the importance of investing:
<p>"10% of all my income is dedicated to investing outside of my 401(k) plan. Investing is the true key to financial freedom and when your investments pay for your lifestyle, you create real sustainable wealth. I invest in my 401(k), <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/accountant-dorab-/" data-linked-post="2646172545" target="_blank">Roth IRA</a>, individual stocks, index funds, and I am an angel investor in some small businesses."</p>On her savings goals and what retirement looks like to her:
<p>"Currently, my savings goal looks like having 18 months of living expenses to take a corporate sabbatical. I don't want to work my entire life and then retire. If that's what adult life is, I don't ever want it. My goal is to take 'mini-retirements' throughout my corporate career and have enough cash flow to take on any role without financial stress. When I get to traditional retirement age, I see myself part of angel investing groups giving financial access to the new wave of entrepreneurs."</p>On her budgeting must-haves:
<p>"Diversified bank accounts and automation. There are three basic bank accounts at separate banking institutions I need to have: Bill pay, high-yield savings, and spending. Also, having my bills on autopay and direct deposit is how my budget stays on track."</p><img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDc4NjA3NS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY3MDExNzY2M30.CcXnv-ZR_4ogtq5kv4m6jlVYFEsfgg6XpjRzkVv6Doo/img.jpg?width=980" id="0cee6" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="fd992c47c9581a0ddaa769b30549a610" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="mykail-james-angle" />
Mykail James/Tequilla White PR
On her intentions behind multiple streams of revenue:
<p>"My revenue streams [are]: Content Creation, Books, Speaking, Workshops, Events. It took a while to truly understand where my revenue comes from. <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/move-in-silence/" data-linked-post="2623797265" target="_blank">Entrepreneurship</a> is new for me, it was never my intention to become an entrepreneur. But I had to be true to myself and learn what I like about my work. I enjoy creating engaging, informational content and speaking. Those are the parts of the business that I love and those are the skills I work to perfect the most.</p><p>"Multiple streams in my business make sense because I want <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/money-talks-ariel-adams/" data-linked-post="2646372360" target="_blank">financial literacy</a> to be accessed in several ways. For those who cannot afford books or live instruction, they still get lots of valuable and actionable information from my content. And while I would teach and create content for free, it's expensive to create quality content and lesson plans. To continue, I have to have multiple streams."</p>On unhealthy money habits and mindsets:
<p>"I had to let go of using my age as a limiting factor and letting society determine the life I desire. I have been looking for a blueprint for the life I want and trying to stick myself into other predetermined paths. When I realized that there isn't a blueprint already created, I began to dream bigger. There is no age limit for happiness and living the life you deserve. I began practicing gratitude for the life I have in the present, the life I have lived in the past, and the life I will live in the future. Bigger dreams opened my mind to creating the life I truly want to live. I understand that my vision for my future is for me and if others cannot see it that's perfectly fine. They weren't blessed with my sight and I can't fault them for that."</p><img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDc4NjA3Ni9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY2Mzc4NDQzMX0.6bprC6j0v5hsjq-HUZ94vK2SCj5T4D9zCkybgoFchjs/img.jpg?width=980" id="5f33a" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="9bb706764576657fe88ab275e08ab4c0" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="mykail-james-crossed-leg" />
Mykail James/Tequilla White PR
<h5>"I have been looking for a blueprint for the life I want and trying to stick myself into other predetermined paths. When I realized that there isn't a blueprint already created, I began to dream bigger. There is no age limit for happiness and living the life you deserve. I began practicing gratitude for the life I have in the present, the life I have lived in the past, and the life I will live in the future."</h5>
On her money mantra:
<p>"I am grateful for the money in my bank account at this moment, the money that was in my bank account in the past, and the money that will be in my bank account in the future."</p>On the craziest thing she’s ever done for money:
<p>"My parents didn't allow me to work during college to focus on my grades. So during the summers, I would work as much as I could to save up enough money to last through the school year. One summer, I had two retail jobs and a summer internship. I got so sick because I barely slept and that's when I realized that I would never have more than one job, rather I would find a way to have one job that paid like three. I made an insane amount of money that summer but it was not worth sacrificing my health."</p>On the worst money-related decision she’s ever made:
<p>"My worst business decision was not asking for help. While planning the Young, Rich & Responsible Virtual Summit, I originally thought I could do everything by myself. I had a big goal but thought that the team of me is what all I needed and I quickly got overwhelmed. I almost sabotaged myself and my business by trying to keep everything to myself. When I got a team and asked people to help support me is when the event became bigger than me and helped to serve my community in a much bigger way."</p>On her budget breakdown:
<p>"I break my budget down into four simple categories: Income, Expenses, Savings, and Spending. I don't try to nickel and dime myself or stress out over every line item."</p><p><em>Gas/car note?</em> </p><p>"Car note is $251/month. Pre-coronavirus, I spent about $160 on gas, but now I spend less than $40 a month."</p><p><em>Personal expenses? </em></p><p>"$400."</p><h4>For more information on Mykail James, follow her <a href="https://www.instagram.com/theboujiebudgeter/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Instagram</a>.</h4>
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<p>What does Black hair mean to you? For me, it is a revolution and that's on <em>PERIODT</em>! Black hair has evolved over many years and we have seen it, in all its glory, take center stage to highlight the uniqueness of Black women. The <a data-linked-post="2551065739" href="https://www.xonecole.com/spring-hairstyles-for-naturals/" target="_blank">styles</a>, looks, <a data-linked-post="2645946966" href="https://www.xonecole.com/dove-amplified-textures-i-tried-it/" target="_blank">the texture</a>, the expression, all of it is an important component of how Black women <a data-linked-post="2646415451" href="https://www.xonecole.com/gabrielle-union-relaunch-hair-flawless/" target="_blank">make a statement</a> in any room. It is our revolution, our rebellion, our beauty, and our crown. As a young girl, there are many instances where your hair experiences were a rite of passage that gave way to womanhood. Your first appointment to the salon, first <a data-linked-post="2585849678" href="https://www.xonecole.com/transitioning-to-natural/" target="_blank">relaxer</a>, the first time being burned by a hot comb, the first time getting your hair straightened, we can go on and on here. I can distinctly remember the first time I went to the hair salon, my first stylist's name was Alandra and she was my introduction to loving my hair.</p><h5>The power of a hairstyle can change a woman's perspective. </h5><p>As the saying goes, when a woman <a data-linked-post="2500815063" href="https://www.xonecole.com/every-black-woman-rock-short-hair-least-life/" target="_blank">cuts her hair</a>, she is about to change her whole life. Every Black woman has her story about her hair and the many twists and journeys they have taken to own their independence by creating a look that fits them. Even still, there have been many instances of <a data-linked-post="2645624518" href="https://www.xonecole.com/the-joy-collective-crown-act/" target="_blank">discrimination of our hair</a> in the workplace, in media, in the schools and yet we still show up proudly with our tresses in tow. We have seen culture vultures take Black staple hairstyles like cornrows and braids and rebrand them as their own unsuccessfully. The resilience of Black hair culture has triumphed in legislation, such as <a data-linked-post="2646320876" href="https://www.xonecole.com/the-crown-esi-interview/" target="_blank">the </a><a href="https://www.xonecole.com/the-crown-esi-interview/">CROWN Act</a> to end race-based hair discrimination passed on September 21, 2020, and mainstream culture to protect our rights to wear our hair however we see fit. </p><p>It is truly absurd for me to not wear the hair that I grow out of my head naturally in any way that I feel beautiful.</p>
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</div></blockquote></div><p>Black women have blazed a path in trend-setting our creativity and innovation in the beauty industry and we should be celebrated for that fact. In celebration of our hair and our story, <a href="https://www.theblackhairexperience.com/" target="_blank">The Black Hair Experience</a> walks us down memory lane of all the things that make Black hair magical. According to The Black Hair Experience website:</p><blockquote>"The Black Hair Experience is an interactive adventure that combines a pop-up art exhibit and a series of instagrammable spaces all in the name of celebrating black hair." </blockquote><p>The Atlanta-based interactive pop-up was created by two friends, Elizabeth Davis and Alisha Brooks, who have a shared affinity for Black hair and pop culture. The two women collectively have a background in photography and graphic design that helped them bring this two-year vision to life. Elizabeth's original idea consisted of a photo passion project that documented the stories around Black women and their shared hair experiences. She shared this idea with Alisha who took it up a notch by imagining an interactive experience around <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/natural-hair-stories/" data-linked-post="2575111467" target="_blank">Black hair</a> and Black hair culture to elevate the storytelling. </p><p>Alisha shared, "We started focusing on what we really wanted people to get from the experience and focusing on self-love and reinforcement of Black hair being beautiful regardless of how you are wearing your hair and women owning that and us connecting through those shared experiences. That is really how the Black Hair Experience was born."</p>
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</div></blockquote></div><h5>It is not only a celebration of Black hair but a reminder of all the nostalgia of the hair and culture that make Black women, Black people so vibrantly beautiful. </h5><p>We have seen some tough days this year but out of that, there has been an elevation of Blackness that is undeniable. Whether it is has been social justice movements or Black women leading the grassroots efforts in the election, Black people have seen a helluva year. We deserve something that shines a light on us. Elizabeth touched on why this time was the right time for this installation despite the obstacle from the pandemic. She shared, "We both felt like this year was just so heavy, just in terms of the social justice movement and the way things have gone. The message we were trying to send with the experience was really about positivity within our community of self-love and acceptance and really rejoicing in some of our most valued moments in our life. We felt like we really wanted to put a smile on our communities face while keeping them safe." </p><p>Our hair is a part of that story and it is just so fitting to create such a fun and interactive experience for those of all ages to come, enjoy, and be reminded that, "Black hair has always been poppin!"</p>
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</div></blockquote></div><p>Opening this pop up has not come without its challenges, the original open date was June 2020 but COVID pivoted many of those plans. However, the co-owners decided they would not be deterred and continued forward to open with a plan of safety and a sense of duty to their community. "The decision was a hard one. We wanted to make sure that people knew that we were here and they had something to look forward to. We wanted to make sure that we hired cleaners, had air disinfectants, people wearing masks, and only had a certain amount of people in the space at a time," Elizabeth revealed. </p><p>"Once we felt confident in that and found a location that could accommodate the social distancing in the way that we wanted, we made the decision to move forward. Also, doing it for a shorter time as well, so people could recognize that we were here and have a moment with us. They could also join this journey with us until we open the bigger installations for us to be able to travel."</p>
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</div></blockquote></div><p>I had the opportunity to visit the pop-up and it was everything that I expected it to be and more. Keep scrolling to learn my top 3 Reasons you should visit The Black Hair Experience:</p>
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1. Black Hair Representation Is Important.
<p>This activation has 15 fully immersive and vibrant installation curated for your instagrammable pleasure. There is everything from a swing that is adorned with braids, to a mini beauty supply store, to a small replica kitchen with hot combs as the theme. We asked the co-owners how they created each installation, Alisha stated, "We wanted to pull out the installations that tapped into nostalgia the most but also reinforced our concept of self-love. It was about finding the balance between the nostalgia and also reinforcing that message about loving your hair and accepting your hair."</p>2. Support Black-Owned Businesses For The Long Haul.
<div id="2db18" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="815800e8706d4803242c4473ae8352a7"><blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-version="4" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"> <div style="padding:8px;"> <div style=" background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:50% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;"> <div style=" background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAAGFBMVEUiIiI9PT0eHh4gIB4hIBkcHBwcHBwcHBydr+JQAAAACHRSTlMABA4YHyQsM5jtaMwAAADfSURBVDjL7ZVBEgMhCAQBAf//42xcNbpAqakcM0ftUmFAAIBE81IqBJdS3lS6zs3bIpB9WED3YYXFPmHRfT8sgyrCP1x8uEUxLMzNWElFOYCV6mHWWwMzdPEKHlhLw7NWJqkHc4uIZphavDzA2JPzUDsBZziNae2S6owH8xPmX8G7zzgKEOPUoYHvGz1TBCxMkd3kwNVbU0gKHkx+iZILf77IofhrY1nYFnB/lQPb79drWOyJVa/DAvg9B/rLB4cC+Nqgdz/TvBbBnr6GBReqn/nRmDgaQEej7WhonozjF+Y2I/fZou/qAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;"> </div></div><p style=" margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;"> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CITnlKGBmk2/" style=" color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;" target="_top"></a></p> </div></blockquote></div><p>Not only will you be supporting two Black co-owners and their <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/black-owned-businesses-black-friday/" data-linked-post="2648890853" target="_blank">Black-owned business</a> by purchasing tickets to The Black Hair Experience, you will also have the opportunity to spread the wealth by stopping by the retail space before you leave. All the vendors that are featured in the store are Black-owned businesses. They have everything from candles to combs to graphic tees, and all of them are absolute must-haves. This is also a part of a bigger plan to expand the retail space and includes many more Black-owned hair care businesses and more. This reflects a bigger idea because as we know Black hair is a multi-billion dollar industry that is not controlled by us. The Black Hair Experience aims to put that money back into our community.<br></p><div class="ad-tag">
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3. Black Girl Joy Is Manifested Here.
<div id="1edd6" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="470e90376729dc841f78fe4b6c15b337"><blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-version="4" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"> <div style="padding:8px;"> <div style=" background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:50% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;"> <div style=" background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAAGFBMVEUiIiI9PT0eHh4gIB4hIBkcHBwcHBwcHBydr+JQAAAACHRSTlMABA4YHyQsM5jtaMwAAADfSURBVDjL7ZVBEgMhCAQBAf//42xcNbpAqakcM0ftUmFAAIBE81IqBJdS3lS6zs3bIpB9WED3YYXFPmHRfT8sgyrCP1x8uEUxLMzNWElFOYCV6mHWWwMzdPEKHlhLw7NWJqkHc4uIZphavDzA2JPzUDsBZziNae2S6owH8xPmX8G7zzgKEOPUoYHvGz1TBCxMkd3kwNVbU0gKHkx+iZILf77IofhrY1nYFnB/lQPb79drWOyJVa/DAvg9B/rLB4cC+Nqgdz/TvBbBnr6GBReqn/nRmDgaQEej7WhonozjF+Y2I/fZou/qAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;"> </div></div><p style=" margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;"> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CH4CZSAFuXt/" style=" color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;" target="_top"></a></p> </div></blockquote></div><p>It's really about the community, and more than that, being a vessel of joy for that community. As Elizabeth puts it, "We wanted to have a sense of joy was really a big part of it. We felt that the love that we have gotten from people and the joy that we have seen on their faces and the women who have cried in our space have made it worth its weight in gold for us to be able to open right now." </p><p>Black hair is more than just what is on top of our heads, it is a part of who we are and our lived experience. And that should absolutely be treasured.<br></p><div id="3d5f0" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="85b8322daeef3f6947bb9a40eb7319a7"><blockquote class="instagram-media"
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</div></blockquote></div><p>There are future plans that the co-owners have to continue with the success of this Atlanta opening. First, there are plans to create a permanent location that will host more installations and the installation will change over time. The pop-up model will be traveling to other major markets in the US once COVID has been contained and reduced. Lastly, the co-owners really want to open the space to young women to host workshops on how to care for their hair. But most importantly, they want young women and girls to know they have a space the represents them and to know that Black hair is beautiful. </p><h4>The interactive pop up is currently open in Atlanta until December 20. For more information or to purchase tickets, please visit The Black Hair Experience <a href="https://www.theblackhairexperience.com/about" target="_blank">webstie</a>.<br></h4>
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<p><em>This article is in partnership with <a href="http://www.hallmarkchannel.com/Christmas" target="_blank">Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Christmas</a>.</em></p><p>Bells are ringing and chestnuts are roasting, signaling to the world that it's that time of year again. And though the way we approach the holidays looks a little different this year, it doesn't change the fact that Christmas is a time to highlight the love in our lives: our family, our friends, and our significant others. 2020 in particular has meant finding the silver linings in all areas of life, and that includes the way we approach our wedding planning. </p><p>While the pandemic could have very well prevented engaged couples from jumping the broom and saying "I do" for another year, a beautiful pivot has occurred where couples are opting for intimate weddings over larger ceremonies. Such an action has emphasized the importance of the when and where of getting married over the who and how. Love is truly all you need in life's grander scheme.</p><p>The when and where of wedding planning is touched on in Hallmark Channel's latest holiday movie, premiering this Saturday (December 5 at 8pm/7c), <a href="https://www.hallmarkchannel.com/christmas-in-evergreen-bells-are-ringing" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"><em>Christmas in Evergreen: Bells Are Ringing</em></a>. A part of <a href="http://www.hallmarkchannel.com/Christmas" target="_blank">Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Christmas</a>, this film stars Holly Robinson Peete and Rukiya Bernard and centers around Michelle (played by Peete) and Hannah (played by Bernard). Michelle's wedding is on the horizon, while Hannah is preparing the Evergreen museum for its launch. Amid the excitement and the chaos of the two auspicious events, Hannah finds herself questioning if the love she has for Elliot (played by Antonio Cayonne) can withstand a new challenge. </p><p>'Tis the season and in celebration of the film and the theme of love conquers all, even amid wedding planning, we spoke to real-life couples about their wedding planning pivot, why they chose the spaces they wed in, and the way the holiday has changed and not changed in 2020.</p>
Cynthia “Onye” Onyejiji & Lawrence Edem
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg1NDMwMi9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYwODA5NzU1MH0.13x9AA_p4nNiGAMkZP1bgZu4VFRskkw3dlHg875-40I/img.jpg?width=980" id="91088" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="18f144093cea5394ab7418f66e06fde4" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />Courtesy of Cynthia "Onye" Onyejiji
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg1NDMxNC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzNjQ2NjUzOX0.HZg_OVgj-AUDQAYNJ9rdqoXg_TLbQ5dsNJNqHu-K7Fs/img.jpg?width=980" id="fa43a" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="90398d7ca1783ca4994b4f88e2b9bec8" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />
Courtesy of Cynthia "Onye" Onyejiji
<h5>"Not only were we able to save a lot of money by having an intimate wedding, but we were also able to begin our married lives together pretty quickly. I planned our wedding in just two months and it turned out to be everything I never knew I needed."</h5><h4>The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:</h4><p><span></span>"Before the pandemic hit, we were spending a lot of time, money and energy on planning this big wedding. It was extremely stressful. Once we decided to go with a smaller wedding, it allowed us to focus more on what really mattered to us. And what mattered to us was saying 'I do' and starting the rest of our lives together."</p><h4>Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:</h4><p><span></span>"This year, Lawrence and I are looking forward to celebrating our very Christmas together as a married couple. Usually, for the holidays, we'd exchange gifts and spend time with all of our family. However, due to the pandemic, we won't be able to celebrate with our family, so we're looking forward to starting our very own traditions and hopefully one day sharing them with our children."</p><h4>Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:</h4><p><span></span>"The one thing that the pandemic will never be able to cancel is love. Our story is proof of that!"</p><p><span></span><em>For more of Onye, follow her on Instagram <a href="https://www.instagram.com/piecesofonye/?hl=en" target="_blank">@piecesofonye</a> and on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/Cynthia17us" target="_blank">YouTube</a></em><em>.</em></p>
Cara Thibodeaux & Harley West
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg1NDI4Ny9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzMjc5NDg4NX0.SJ0R8qL1E4yVvKUt0LAl-OvIQG5CKbTWbczZj5DqjZA/img.jpg?width=980" id="166ee" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="1c15c6e80cd480d102c75fedb1299a99" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />Courtesy of Cara Thibodeaux
<h4>When They Said "I Do":</h4><p><span></span>November 22, 2020</p><h4>Where They Said "I Do":</h4><p><span></span>"We were married at Chapel Dulcinea in the Texas Hill Country of Austin. We decided to elope after learning that the venue was totally free!"</p><h4>Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans: </h4><p><span></span>"At the beginning of 2020, we planned our wedding for 2021 in Hawaii to bring our family and friends back to the island of Oahu where we got engaged. Unfortunately, there have been many restrictions in regards to traveling to Hawaii from the mainland so we decided to push our wedding back to 2022 to allow more of our friends and family to come to our wedding. We got the crazy idea over the summer after we decided to push our wedding back to have a small elopement ceremony with our immediate family." </p><h4>The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:</h4><p>"We kept the decorations minimal, the guest list was our immediate family, and we broke tradition by helping each other get ready with each other the day of our ceremony. We feel that an elopement ceremony allowed us to focus on each other more than the event itself and we are so glad we did!"</p><h4>Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:</h4><p><span></span>"Every Christmas we make vegan sugar cookies together and it's always so much fun to bake together. We also buy matching Christmas pyjamas to wear on Christmas Eve. Now that we are husband and wife, I don't think those traditions will change but we are excited to hopefully have a little one soon to enjoy the festivities with!"</p>
<h4>The Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:</h4><p>"Being at home with your significant other almost 24/7 really shows you if you are fit to be married. We've become even closer during these crazy times of 2020, had more meaningful conversations, and without the influence of other friends and family around us all the time, we've been able to define how we want our marriage to look like, what kind of parents we want to be, and what type of life we want to live."</p><p><em><span></span>For more of Cara, follow her on Instagram </em><a href="https://www.instagram.com/greatfullgirl/?hl=en" target="_blank"><em>@greatfullgirl</em></a><em>.</em></p>
Anika Joseph-Henry & Marvin Henry
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg1NDI0Mi9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY2MjcyMDQ5NH0.9HfyB8gGhOkZLaO974Z4QxpTgMbVpoi51EZKu33HWfk/img.jpg?width=980" id="dee94" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="a6393e10e3c1566fcf0eed20acf6052f" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />Courtesy of The Henrys, #HenryThingIsPossible
Photo Credit: Kevin Warren
<h4>When They Said "I Do":</h4><p>October 23, 2020; "The three-year anniversary of our first date."</p><h4><span></span>Where They Said "I Do":</h4><p>"Fortunately for us, our plans remained the same from our August 28th engagement to the October 23rd wedding. Our ideal location was Central Park, since this was the same location where we had our first date on the same exact date (October 23, 2017). Recreating the intimacy of our first date on our anniversary couldn't have been any more beautiful. We would also say that COVID made it easier for us to break the news of an intimate wedding to our guest."</p><h4><span></span>Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans: </h4><p><span></span>"Having an intimate wedding was always the plan. From early on in our relationship, everything we did was intentional. Marriage was already a plan, but having a big wedding wasn't ever something that we wanted to do. We knew it was time, and once engaged, we saw it fit to marry right away."</p><img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg1NDI0NC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzNzM5MjE0Mn0.Iq4QCgmDI4YAYRLTRGOluMW3bFOrEkjC-8Ovj1V6GMk/img.jpg?width=980" id="a7683" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="27ec8dc6086984ad800affe44fbc4c1f" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />
Courtesy of The Henrys, #HenryThingIsPossible
Photo Credit: Kevin Warren
<h4>The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding: </h4><p>"Marriage was always a goal. We moved as a unit in just about everything we do and knowing that we didn't want to have a huge wedding made planning an intimate ceremony even easier during COVID. Additionally, our joint decision to have an intimate wedding came from the very idea of 'not wanting to put more thought into a wedding than the MARRIAGE.' Plus, larger weddings do not necessarily translate to a perfect marriage, <em>okurr</em>!"</p><h4>Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:</h4><p>"The holiday season have always been about family for us. Since our shared love language is quality time, we take advantage of any time-off opportunities to have dedicated family time. As a tradition, we both enjoy having at-home gatherings and entertaining family and friends. 2020 will limit our plans of having folks over, but it's a tradition we started when we met and will continue."</p><h4>Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:</h4><p>"Love is something that is imperfect. But you must work at it and being intentional with the ones you love is so important. We're living through times that none of us have experienced in this lifetime. This is the time to make sure you keep your loved ones close and be sure that they know it."</p><p><em>For more of The Henrys, follow Anika on Instagram <a href="https://www.instagram.com/madam_anni/" target="_blank">@madam_anni</a> and Marvin <a href="https://www.instagram.com/dimeana_rips/" target="_blank">@dimeana_rips</a>.</em><br></p>Kendall Keith & Rob Newell
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg1NDMzMy9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYxOTg5MDA5NX0.vGKZXXXvDOCd3eFCv1eus92ZPCjH5BEbqX6QjcmZZ-k/img.jpg?width=980" id="52e5e" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="8fc47e214d236354e6b7cc880cd81050" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />Courtesy of Kendall Keith and Rob Newell
Photo Credit: Gin and Sake, shot at the Cosmopolitan Hotel of Las Vegas
<h4>When They Said "I Do":</h4><p>November 20, 2020</p><h4>Where They Said "I Do":</h4><p>"Originally, we had plans to be married soon-ish (like in a few years) in Hawaii (ideally). Our actual plan this year was just to have a big engagement earlier back in July on our 10-year anniversary, but because of COVID, we had to use those savings (that was for my engagement ring) so we could survive the first few months being in financial uncertainty while adjusting to the changes of the pandemic. </p><p>"Because of this, our ideal engagement and marriage plans went on hold indefinitely, which made me rethink over time what it means for us to get married. I then decided to forego the engagement all together and tie the knot, just the two of us. No one else there. Because we can't travel, we figured the best alternative to a 'destination elopement' was to run (drive) off to Vegas!"</p><h4>Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans: </h4><p>"We've always been a little unconventional and had teetered with the idea of having some sort of small wedding or destination elopement, and while we never had any concrete wedding plans prior (other than we planned to marry someday), COVID just somehow solidified what marriage means for each for us, as opposed to getting caught up with the idealization of a perfect wedding/elopement."</p><h4>Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:</h4><p>"You know, we've been living together for nine years, and funnily enough, we don't have big holiday traditions! The closest we have to a tradition is watching <em>Die Hard</em> on Christmas Day every year (this started as a direct rebuttal to my husband's family's yearly ritual of having <em>A </em><em>Christmas </em><em>Story </em>on 24/7 on Christmas day, haha). As to how it will evolve as a married couple and the times we're now in, I think any traditions we take on will just have that much more meaning in appreciating the people we have in our lives and spending time with them, whenever we are allowed to again."</p><h4>Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:<br></h4><p>"The biggest takeaway I've learned is that at the end of the day, when we all leave this world behind, is that all we have is the people we know and love and how we treat them. Our family and friends. And the times we get to spend with them are precious, because this year has taken a lot of that away for most of us."</p><p><em>For more of The Newells, follow Kendall on Instagram <a href="http://instagram.com/kendall.keith" target="_blank">@kendall.keith</a> and Rob <a href="http://instagram.com/robbien38" target="_blank">@robbien38</a></em><em>.</em><br></p>
Nakia & Andrew Means
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg1NTk4My9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYyNzExMDc4M30.kFmPx4rBEoXxMV0P9RmPKSE6_gZ00w202MkNyrW8nVk/img.jpg?width=980" id="7b62a" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="c9951011669ab87e1aace7538b808f82" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />Courtesy of Nakia and Andrew Means
Photo Credit: Kendal Lanier/Champagne Love Stories
<h4>When They Said "I Do":</h4><p>2020</p><h4>Where They Said "I Do":</h4><p>"In my parents' living room [in] Atlanta, GA. Our original venue was the Biltmore Ballrooms. It was the first and only venue we visited. We were in love with the classic look! The ceilings reminded me of the Louvre museum in Paris, France. Although we did not get to get married there, my parents went above and beyond to transform our home. They assembled a floral arch, floating candles and a draped backdrop. They have huge windows in their living room which made for beautiful lighting in the pictures. Many people who saw our pictures thought we got married in a cathedral!"</p><h4>Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans: <br></h4><p><span></span>"We both realize this is a very sensitive decision for each couple, and it will look different from ours for many. While we were looking forward to the big celebration with our family and friends, we just could not wait to start our lives together. There was a little uncertainty about moving forward without all of our friends and family present. However, the longer we are married, the more confirmation we receive that we made the right decision. I cannot imagine 2020 without getting to marry my best friend!"</p><img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg1NjAwMS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzNzExNDU0OH0.MGn58WhTrj1C5hNrCez-v92hrSKAdv03MeFPq3dKhGI/img.jpg?width=980" id="9ec43" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="abaead6c5ef45098ccb8df6f0feaa781" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />
Courtesy of Nakia and Andrew Means
Photo Credit: Catherine Cansler Photography
<h5>"More than having a wedding, we really wanted to start our lives together. The joy we have experienced living life together as husband and wife far outweighs the sting of changing our original plans."</h5><h4>The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:</h4><p>"More than having a wedding, we really wanted to start our lives together. The joy we have experienced living life together as husband and wife far outweighs the sting of changing our original plans. We had to condense our wedding guest list down from 200 guests to 10. Needless to say, only our parents and siblings were present. Many of our guests were disappointed, but everyone understood. We opted not to broadcast the wedding via Zoom or any other platform to preserve the intimacy of the ceremony."</p><h4>Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:<br></h4><p>"We love visiting the Botanical Gardens in Atlanta, GA to see their Christmas lights display. I also love watching Christmas movies. Drew typically just plays along, as he would rather watch re-runs of <em>Fresh Prince of Bel-Air</em>! The wonderful thing about Christmas this year is the fact that we get to experience it in our home, together! We have our tree decorated and we've also taken some Christmas pictures to send out our first Christmas card to friends and family. Drew insists this is a sign we are getting old!</p><p>"As we navigate COVID-19 during this holiday season, the main change in our plans will be around visiting extended family. We plan to reserve that for another time. With immediate family, we plan accordingly to get tested prior to holidays for everyone's safety. It just gives us peace of mind before going into their homes. Our parents appreciate it too!"</p><h4><span></span>Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:<br></h4><p>"I think our lesson can be summed up with one of our favorite songs - 'Can You Stand the Rain' by New Edition! The male group sings, 'Sunny days, everybody loves them. But tell me baby, can you stand the rain?' When the cute Instagram posts are done and the honeymoon is over, what matters is our ability to work together as a team when challenges come. The way we navigated the change in plans, challenges with vendors, financial decisions and other stresses from COVID-19 validated that we are built to withstand tough times together."</p><p><span></span><em>For more of The Means, follow Nakia on Instagram <a href="https://www.instagram.com/kiatastic/?hl=en" target="_blank">@kiatastic</a> and Andrew<a href="https://twitter.com/by_any__means?lang=en" target="_blank"> @by_any__means</a>. You can also subscribe to their YouTube Channel, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQoATdH95-0lkEhh0xjz79A" target="_blank">This Means Love</a></em><em>. </em></p>
<h4>Don't forget to watch the premiere of <em>Christmas in Evergreen: Bells Are Ringing</em> on Hallmark Channel this Saturday 12/5 at 8pm/7c!</h4>
<p><em>Featured image courtesy of Cynthia "Onye" Onyejiji</em></p>
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Exclusive Interviews
Newly Engaged Amber Riley Gives Us The Secret To Finding Love In The DMs
30 November
<p>While most of us got our introduction to <a href="https://www.instagram.com/msamberpriley/?hl=en" target="_blank">Amber Riley</a> back in 2009 as Mercedes Jones on the critically acclaimed show <em>Glee</em>, she has reemerged as a spicy, confident songstress fully capable of taking on the music industry one note at a time. Her self-titled debut EP, <em><a href="https://music.apple.com/us/album/riley-ep/1533730988" target="_blank">RILEY</a></em>, includes the timeless "BGE", which stands for "big girl energy", and the melodious "A Moment", tribute to her late friend and <em>Glee </em>castmate Naya Rivera. The Compton native has received celebrity endorsements from industry powerhouses including Zendaya, Jazmine Sullivan and <a data-linked-post="2646242314" href="https://www.xonecole.com/exclusive-chloe-x-halle-on-embracing-individuality-while-evolving-as-musicians-together/" target="_blank">Chloe x Halle</a>, while her six-track project climbed to the number two spot on iTunes' R&B Albums chart upon its release in early October.</p><p>In addition to being one of the most undeniable talents on screen and in the booth, she is a loving partner to <a href="https://people.com/tv/amber-riley-engaged-boyfriend-desean-black/" target="_blank">her now-fiancee Desean Black</a>. Though most women choose to wander down the traditional route, Riley channeled her BGE and slid into the DMs of her future fiance. Because she took a chance on herself, the friendship and her future relationship was able to flourish. In this exclusive interview, xoNecole spoke with Amber Riley about tapping into her sensuality, how she feels her sexiest when she's with Desean, and the lessons she's learned throughout her twenties to make her the confident woman she is today.</p>
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg0MzQ4OS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY1MTgwMjQwNn0.gJAAutdvglDUz8eY6yqpNfWVBxjUjrzdTDba2R_qO4I/img.jpg?width=980" id="cbcd1" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="1e4d3b8bb53fe8e2d0a41a7e85fcd0fd" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="Riley-cover-art" />
Official 'RILEY' cover art
Justin Frazier
xoNecole: This year, a lot of women have been going through a shift during the pandemic and the year made a lot of people sit with themselves about who they are, what they want to do and where they want to be in life. Was that the case for you, and what shifted in your life this year in comparison to when we had all the distractions before the pandemic?
<p><strong>Amber </strong><strong>Riley</strong><strong>:</strong> It made me more mindful, more conscious and aware of my mental health and myself. It helped me realize that a lot of the things and distractions that keep you from paying attention to the things you need to change into your life were eliminated, which is what I think everybody was feeling. Not even just women, but men too. Personally, it made me pay more attention to myself and my own needs. Sometimes even my own flaws and the things I needed to work on personally.</p>Your lead track is “BGE”, which stands for “big girl energy”. Tell me a little bit about what “big girl energy” means to you.
<p>It means literally taking care of bigness. That's what big girl energy is. It's pushing past obstacles, pushing through when you want to give up or be tired. It's about not taking people's bullshit, it's about making your money, it's about being a boss, it's about taking care of yourself. Big girl energy is literally just taking all of that great energy that you need from yourself to make it through or make it to whatever you need to in life.</p><div class="ad-tag">
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Yes, I love that! Speaking of energy, the energy in the video was absolute fire! It also features your current fiance! Congrats on the engagement! You’ve been private about your personal life in the past, so walk us through the decision to say, “I’m about to show off my partner, this is what it is and this is who I’m rocking with.” What made you decide to share with the world that piece of your life?
<p>Well, he was in my music video and I was like, "You know, they're kinda gonna know anyway and it's gonna be weird if I don't say anything." This is the first relationship that I've been in that I feel is really healthy and I love him to pieces. I need people and the people that also be in my DMs to know that I'm taken, I'm spoken for and I'm giddy and in love. It's gross (laughs).</p><div id="e42cc" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="65f607c011dd0d7b958973050824f12e"><blockquote class="instagram-media"
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I can tell the happiness in your voice and you can really tell when genuine love is afoot. You sound genuinely happy!
<p>Yeah, he's really my best friend. We really worked on our friendship and <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/s/" data-linked-post="2646282723" target="_blank">respecting</a> one another. He's just a great man all around. I feel super blessed to have even met him and I'm blessed to even have his friendship. Nothing's perfect obviously, but I wouldn't want to go through the ups and downs of life with anybody else.</p><div class="ad-tag">
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Before the friendship came the initial meeting and you debuted your relationship recently with a post on Instagram about “How It Started” versus “How It’s Going” about sliding in the DMs. You mentioned that you found him because of xoNecole and I’m interested in hearing that story because you have us out here hot in these streets and women think this is where all the men are because you landed one. Tell me about how that went.
<p>I literally was just scrolling and it was a wine night for sure. I love xoNecole because you talk about women's issues and <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/black-women-across-industries-mental-health-first/" data-linked-post="2646803641" target="_blank">mental health</a>, I love reading your articles and of course I love Necole, too. You had posted him and I don't know if he was a Man Crush Monday - I don't know what he was. When I saw his picture, I was like, "Oh my God, he's such a handsome man." I believe I followed him that night, and I remember scrolling through my Instagram, I saw his picture, and I was like, "Who is this guy? I don't remember following him." He was on my timeline and I was like, "Hmmm, I'm gonna say hi," and I did. I literally just said, "Hey Desean, how are you?" in his DMs.</p><p>I've also been much bolder this year about dating and putting myself out there. A lot of people don't want to put themselves out there because they <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/the-7-day-xonecole-happy-hour-challenge/" data-linked-post="2641356727" target="_blank">fear rejection</a>. I'm not a special case, so if the person that you're interested in is interested in you, then they're gonna respond in that way. A lot of women say, "I don't want to be thirsty going into a guy's DMs," but I wasn't thirsty and I wasn't chasing him. I just made myself seen and I made sure that he saw me and it went on from there. In our first conversation, we were talking about science, brains and nerdy shit.</p><h5>"A lot of people don't want to put themselves out there because they fear rejection. I'm not a special case, so if the person that you're interested in is interested in you, then they're gonna respond in that way. A lot of women say, 'I don't want to be thirsty going into a guy's DMs,' but I wasn't thirsty and I wasn't chasing him. I just made myself seen and I made sure that he saw me and it went on from there."</h5>
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It was a genuine conversation!
<p>Yeah, it was genuine. It would be the same way if you met somebody on the streets or at a club or at a bar. You have a conversation with someone and you see the vibe. It's the same thing.</p>What is your advice to a woman who feels any type of way about making the first move to get a guy? That’s major big BOSS energy to go out there and get what you want when you want it!
<p>Don't be afraid to put yourself out there if you're interested in someone. You don't know the circumstances because some guys may be a little bit shy and you could be missing your opportunity to get an amazing friend. That could be the person that you're gonna marry, the love of your life and you miss it all because of ego or pride. If the person doesn't want you, that just means the person wasn't for you but you're just making yourself be seen or available to that person. Don't think about it as chasing them. It's basically saying, "the ball's in your court," as a man, if that's what you're concerned about.</p> <p>That's what women think about sometimes like, "I want him to be the man and I want him to take the initiative." I've heard that before, but honestly, if you put the ball in their court and just let them know they're interested, if that's the kind of man you want, they're going to pursue what it is that they want. </p>In your track, “Temporary”, you rhetorically ask if love even exists, but you were able to find love during a pandemic. Hookup culture is screwed right now but you’re able to maintain a healthy relationship. After a few failed relationships, we tend to close ourselves off to the possibilities of love, but what are ways that you learned to open yourself up and your heart so you can meet Mr. Right?
<p>Honestly, it was through <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/women-self-love-priority/" data-linked-post="2645077094" target="_blank">self-love</a>. I've had my heart broken before and I dealt with rejection in different ways, but I think the self-love aspect really helped because I got to a point where I was like, "A person who did me wrong isn't going to take away my opportunity to find love." I deserve love. I deserve to be loved and you only realize that through self-love and the way that you treat yourself and knowing what it is that you have to offer. I'm not for everybody and I'm not out here trying to be for everybody either, but I do know that I bring value to myself and I've always wanted to build with someone. </p><p>I think I just got to that place where I was looking for the right thing, something substantial and not superficial, and willing to walk away if it's not the right thing instead of fearing being alone and by myself. I'm comfortable being alone. That helped me make the right decision to be with the right person.</p><div class="ad-tag">
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Will Smith said, years ago, that in order to love someone, you have to be willing to collide with the weakest parts of yourself and have to look at the things about you that are cowardly, mean and resentful. With your experiences in your current relationship, how do you feel about that statement?
<p>That honestly speaks to <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/jada-pinkett-smith-vulnerability-superpower/" data-linked-post="2641221377" target="_blank">vulnerability</a>. That can be a very hard thing for Black women. Unlike other cultures, Black women aren't always raised to understand that you're the prize and not raised to understand that you don't have to carry all the load by yourself. When I wrote that song "Ride", I wrote it for Black men specifically and in our community, we were never really taught to lean on one another. Vulnerability and trust is a thing that I work on all the time because it wasn't something I was taught or was demonstrated to me as a Black woman. I was taught to take care of your own, make sure that you're good, make sure that you're strong, you don't have time to cry, you don't have time to wallow, sadness is weakness - those are the things that I was taught. </p><p>Now, I'm with a man that is a leader and I trust him, and that's hard. Vulnerability was equal to weakness to me. In vulnerability, you do have to be comfortable with the person that you're with seeing your imperfections, your flaws and your failures - and that can be a very tough thing. I have that thick cap where I wanted to be perceived as a whole person and this strong Black woman, but that doesn't work. Relationships don't work without that vulnerability because if there is no vulnerability, there is no trust.</p><h5>"I'm with a man that is a leader and I trust him, and that's hard. Vulnerability was equal to weakness to me... I have that thick cap where I wanted to be perceived as a whole person and this strong Black woman, but that doesn't work. Relationships don't work without that vulnerability because if there is no vulnerability, there is no trust."</h5>
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Justin Frazier
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You’ve been pretty open about seeing your therapist and giving your depression a name, “Keshia”. I feel like what you did was important because what you did was humanize it and you made depression real, especially in the Black community and for Black women where it’s hard for us to accept our feelings because we don’t want to feel “weak”. How did giving depression and anxiety a name help you face “her” head-on?
<p>I think what it did was help me to see that's not me. That's not who I am. That may be something I've dealt with or I deal with in life. It's actually very normal and I really want people to normalize it because there's a difference too in being depressed, <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/michelle-williams-depression-memoir/" data-linked-post="2649022254" target="_blank">dealing with depression</a> and having clinical depression. Everybody deals with some level of depression or anxiety or being unsure. The more that we talk about it, we take away its power because the secrecy of it all makes it even worse. </p><p>When I named my depression "Keshia", it helped me to realize that this is not me, this is not who I am, this is something that is outside of myself that I have control of. I can't control when it comes, but I can go through the process of controlling whether or not this is going to take me down today or stop me. I don't always have a handle on it and it's not completely perfect, but naming my depression helped me to be like, "OK bitch, not today. I got shit to do today, Keshia, so sit your ass down." It gives me this power and authority that I need when it comes around.</p>A lot of Black women who grew up in inner cities have experienced something you have experienced as well - oversexualization and adultification during their upbringing, which shifts how they view their own bodies. How did getting male attention at an early age have an effect on how you viewed yourself and your sexuality?
<p>It made me hate my body. Being a little more developed at a younger age is confusing because you're a kid but you're walking past men that are making comments about your body and it's comfortable. It made me want to be ugly. I felt like my body was some kind of sin, that that attention was my fault. Not the grown men who shouldn't have been commenting on a kid's body, but because I have a butt or hips or boobs, this is my fault [and] I need to cover up. It also made me eat, not care about my body, not pay attention to my body and being regrettable and treating my body badly 'cause I was upset at the fact that it gave me that type of attention.</p>To how you are now as a woman, you’re so confident and you own every part of you. How are you able to tap into your sensual side and be OK with being sexy during your adult years?
<p>I'm just always really honest with myself, sometimes brutally so. I've come to the conclusion that my body is my own and I don't pay attention to what other people have to say about it. That's even if it's a compliment. I think that's why whenever people in interviews always want to talk to me about <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/amber-riley-on-going-against-the-grain-in-hollywood-i-wont-accept-just-being-a-body/" data-linked-post="2500794559" target="_blank">body positivity</a> and the movement, I'm not really part of that movement. I was thrusted into that when I was on television because I was the big Black girl on TV and that's what they do. They try to make you this, what I call, Fat Black Jesus. That's what they kind of want you to be. They want to pick your body apart and pick apart its flaws, they want you to fight to love yourself and live out loud. </p><p>My body is my own and it may appear that I'm confident all the time, but I'm also more than just my body. I try to not let my body be a subject matter or consumption for other people. I'm really intelligent, I'm talented, I have other interests, and because I've talked about my body so much in my career, I've just learned to not let it be such a big subject. I don't walk around with that burden that people try to put on me about it. I think that's probably what people think. It really is just not giving a shit about what people have to say and I don't know how to explain that. I don't know if it comes with age. I'm 34 and I don't know if it's because I've dealt with so much criticism and I've come on the other end of it. I have no idea how I got there, I don't have the map and I can't really give people steps on how to get to the space of not giving a shit, but that's just where I am.</p><div class="ad-tag">
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<h5>"My body is my own and it may appear that I'm confident all the time, but I'm also more than just my body. I try to not let my body be a subject matter or consumption for other people. I'm really intelligent, I'm talented, I have other interests, and because I've talked about my body so much in my career, I've just learned to not let it be such a big subject... I have no idea how I got there, I don't have the map and I can't really give people steps on how to get to the space of not giving a shit, but that's just where I am."</h5>
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg0MzQ5NS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0MDIyMzI2Nn0.WSLFdTdTALv0mloGOz8-Wi-9GVUq5Scgs-MQdi1rcwM/img.jpg?width=980" id="f36b6" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="3907c3fe3765d5f9515ca9cc13bda702" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="amber-riley-plaid" />
Justin Frazier
Where you are currently, how do you tap into your sensuality and when do you feel the sexiest?
<p>Honestly, I feel the sexiest when I get out of the shower. I just like to be free and in my most natural state, I feel very sexy. At the same time, when I have my hair done and my makeup done, and I have a really cute outfit on because I love fashion and beauty, I feel super sexy too.</p><div class="ad-tag">
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What does pleasure look like for you?
<p>Pleasure for me now is just love. The love that I receive from my man is pleasurable, and that even is cuddling and watching TV. That's my happy place - sitting at home, in our room, in our pajamas or whatever and cracking up at a funny movie or him laughing at me watching a scary movie. I hate scary movies and he loves scary movies, and he makes me watch them and I'm terrified. That kind of happiness and that kind of companionship is something that I never thought that I would ever have. That's pure pleasure for me.</p>When you turned 30, you talked about the pressure of having kids and all of these markers that women are supposed to hit by a certain age. Do you feel that pressure now that you’re nearing 35 to have kids and get married?
<p>I think being 34, I have learned to just go with the flow. I've learned to not really say what I will or won't do, or even sometimes what I want. There was a time where I was like, "I'm not having kids," then there was a time that I wanted kids. There was a time when I was like, "I don't mind if I'm single," then there was a time I was like, "I want to be in love." There's so many different markers in life. There's obviously some kind of pressure because as women, we are born on this Earth with the eggs that we are going to have to have birth. Men can just populate the Earth for the rest of their lives. You do keep that time in mind, and I'm honestly just OK with what God has for me. </p>Retrospectively, how does Amber in her 30s differ from Amber in her 20s?
<p>There's so many things that differ me in my 30s than in my 20s. Amber in her 20s, I don't think paid enough attention to herself and her own needs. She did not say "no" enough and she didn't put herself first a lot. She didn't take care of herself the way that she should have. She was afraid of the hard stuff that she had to face to mature and grow, and I think Amber in her 30s is just finally in the place where she's OK if the things that she needs to work on hurt a little bit as long as she keeps growing.</p><div class="ad-tag">
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If you could give Amber in her 20s any piece of advice with what you know now in your 30s, what would you tell her?
<p>Invest in yourself first.</p><h4>For more Amber Riley, follow her on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/msamberpriley/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Instagram</a>. <em>RILEY </em>is available now on <a href="https://linktr.ee/msamberpriley" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">all streaming platforms</a>.</h4><span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="689bbacb1aadbcac26b7df626c155cc0"><iframe lazy-loadable="true" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/xoM5hxFn5p4?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span>
<p class=""><em>Featured image courtesy of Amber Riley</em></p>
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<p>
For many 80's and 90's babies/kids, <em>Fresh Prince of Bel-Air</em> was extremely admirable, relatable, and showed the realistic lens of blending the lower and upper-class Black experience in America. The show brought light to such intense realities that are still very relevant to today's society, like the struggles of single parenting, Will's <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/healing-wounds-absent-father/" target="_self">daddy issues</a>, Black wealthy families' struggles, classism, over-policing Black people, 90's influential fashion, etc. And after six phenomenal seasons, it's safe to say <em>Fresh Prince of Bel-Air</em> became the anchor for Black youth and many generations to come.
</p><p>Recently, the popular '90s sitcom,<em> <a href="https://play.hbomax.com/season/urn:hbo:season:GXdXh0AoQ4JuAuwEAABLD?camp=googleHBOMAX" target="_blank">Fresh Prince of Bel-Air</a> </em>made headlines as the cast celebrated their 30th anniversary of the show on a <a href="https://www.hbomax.com/grw-fpr?utm_id=sa%7c71700000075870632%7c58700006497651095%7cp58736875845&gclid=CjwKCAiA8Jf-BRB-EiwAWDtEGhFjkcYwR9mIS3vWAXGusj-DfreY1y9kQbNheifS3GW-PsaJAJzSbRoCunIQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds" target="_blank">HBO Max reunion special</a>. All my years of watching this show repetitively, I thought it was perfection in every way possible–but the special revealed its flaws. Specifically, the conflict between Janet Hubert and <a data-linked-post="2584098068" href="https://www.xonecole.com/will-smith-says-relationship-with-jada-is-beyond-marriage-were-life-partners/" target="_blank">Will Smith</a>. Back then, it was believed that a difficult working relationship between Will and Janet is what ultimately got her fired and caused her exit before the series' fourth season. </p><p class="shortcode-media shortcode-media-youtube">
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<small class="image-media media-caption" placeholder="Add Photo Caption...">Fresh Prince of Bel Air reunion - Will Smith and Janet Hubert make amends</small>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8KoH2ayYR4" target="_blank">www.youtube.com</a>
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</p><p>During the special however, after 27 years of not speaking to each other and bashing each other in countless interviews–Janet and Will were finally able to overcome their feud. The growth between them was easily seen and a reminder of necessary healing conversations. The industry was too small in the '90s to have such a public dispute, and it's still too small in 2020 with limited acting jobs for Black actors. It's not worth dragging a workmate in Hollywood or anywhere else to gain justice for themselves.<br/></p><p>Will spoke to Janet separately on the special about where each of their headspace were during that time and why it was so hard to forgive one another for so long. Janet mentioned:</p><blockquote>"When I left the show, I had this new baby and no one. Family disowned me. Hollywood disowned me. My family said, 'You've ruined our name.' And I wasn't unprofessional on the set. I just stopped talking to everybody because I didn't know who to trust because I had been banished."</blockquote>
<p class=""><em>Featured image by HBO Max</em></p>
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg1NDYyNC9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY1ODMxNzc0NX0.kTOM4AJ0cBIf37MZLTQhRd3sKZaTsa5uRUCV_wHvET8/img.png?width=980" id="f4ece" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="8bbf492ce3c9cc6fb38ad54055cec9e1" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />
HBO Max
<p>Will stated that as a 21-year-old, he felt like "<a href="https://www.xonecole.com/mental-health-and-relationships/" target="_self">everything was a threat</a>" to him. </p><blockquote>"I was so driven by fear. I have children. I've been divorced, and I have a second marriage, and I can see now the level of pain and the level of struggle that it was just for you to show up every day." </blockquote><p>The perspective Will provided shows that there needs to be more healthy dialogue and listening to one another, especially in instances where misunderstandings may live. If something seems unusual, ask questions instead of assuming things or having <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/from-106-park-to-hollywood-how-terrence-j-turned-his-dream-into-reality-why-hes-choosing-his-career-over-dating/" data-linked-post="2500799859" target="_blank">tunnel vision</a>, only focusing on yourself. </p><h5>Everyone is going through something; extend the grace you want to receive from others. </h5><p>Janet replied to Will:</p><blockquote>"But you took all of that away from me — with your words. Words can kill. I lost everything. Reputation. Everything. And I understand you were able to move forward, but you know those words, calling a Black woman difficult in Hollywood, is the kiss of death. And it's hard enough being a dark-skinned Black woman in this business. But I felt that it was necessary for us to finally move forward. And I'm sorry that I have blasted you to pieces."</blockquote><p>It only hurt Janet the most to earn fewer opportunities, and as a dark skin Black woman, her roles were already scarce. Will never lost anything; instead, his career heightened dramatically, and now he is one of the highest-paid and accomplished Black actors in the world. It was the complete opposite experience for Janet; it was a lot harder for her to get jobs based on her intersectional experience of being <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/black-actresses-under-30/" data-linked-post="2648608863" target="_blank">Black and a woman actress</a> in Hollywood. Along with the added complaints that Will thrown out about her in countless interviews.</p>It all comes down to accountability and healing.
<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg1NDYxOS9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYxMTEyMDc4NX0.0bsjBk6Aw3pON6QbZEvkIAEGJYDJjGdeziGcgG-hn0M/img.png?width=980" id="1e583" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="6b18d4af1e3e7e887c549399d9e43dc3" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />Will Smith/Instagram
<p><span style="background-color: initial;">Black actors must acknowledge their privilege; society is more forgiving to Black men versus Black women; history has shown us that countless times. And </span>Black women<span style="background-color: initial;"> are less likely to be believed than any other racial group of women.</span></p><p><span style="background-color: initial;"></span>As a community, Black people need to be open to intentional healthy discussion rather than defensive commentary back and forth. <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/what-it-means-hold-space-community/" target="_self">Talking things through</a> brings forth restorative <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/we-all-gon-get-this-healing/" data-linked-post="2532531502" target="_blank">healing</a> and gives others a chance to process their emotions and reactions. It's essential that they were both accountable for their end because it doesn't benefit either party in playing the victim and not moving forward.</p><h5><span></span>The goal isn't to have perfect relationships, but progressive relationships should be attainable. We already have the world against us; we can't afford to be against each other too. Together we are a force to be reckoned with, and separated, we are left vulnerable and unable to protect one another. </h5><p>As <a href="https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Culture/fresh-prince-stars-smith-janet-hubert-end-longtime/story?id=74306130" target="_blank">Will mentioned</a> to Janet, "The person I want to be is someone who protects you, not someone who unleashed dogs on you." </p><p>There is so much strength in <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/the-high-note-star-kelvin-harrison-jr/" target="_self">vulnerability</a>. This is the love and support we ALWAYS need to have for one another.</p><h4>Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the <a href="https://members.xonecole.com/" target="_blank">xoTribe Members Community</a> today!</h4>Related Articles Around the Web
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