It’s Not Easy Being A Black Single Mom Raising A Son With Autism
This is Afea's story.
When Afea Tucker gave birth to her son Amir, she was 19 years old. Her first child appeared to be a happy and healthy baby boy; that was until his grandmother started to notice signs that little Amir was not developing like her seven children were at 18 months old.
"My mom was the first to say, 'Afea, I'm worried about Amir,'" she remembers. "He wasn't responding to his name, looking at us, or lifting his head."
It wasn't until his speech regression that she too began to realize that something was wrong. "The red flag for sure was when he went into a nonverbal state and would no longer speak. Then one day he unlocked the door and ran away without saying a word. That's when I began the process of understanding more about my son's learning abilities and what I could do to make his life comfortable," Afea openly shares about her experience.
With her very supportive mother by her side, the mother-daughter duo began to look into resources that could help them with Amir's growth and development. Looking for answers, Afea began asking her doctors questions that could help her understand why her young son was not responding like most children his age.
"Finding out that he could hear just fine was confirmation that something unique was going on," she shared after having his hearing tested. With no clue what could be wrong, Afea needed answers, and Amir's pediatrician gave Afea a list of agencies to consider contacting for a developmental evaluation.
Wasting no time, after seeing one of the referred early childhood development agencies, Amir was evaluated and deemed eligible for speech and occupational therapy, yet he was never diagnosed with anything.
It never dawned on Afea that her son could possibly have autism. "To my knowledge, he had a developmental delay, that's all," Afea calls to mind. "I didn't even know what autism really was. The only thing that I could equate to that was the depiction of Rain Man because autism wasn't something that I learned about in school. I was never aware or informed about what it meant to have autism but professionals around us had a clue but said nothing."
It wasn't until Amir was three years old when a developmental doctor gave Afea the diagnosis that Amir had autism.
Like a piece to the puzzle, everything made more sense. Finally, with a diagnosis, the young mother tapped into her mama bear mindset that sent her on a mission to discover more about her son's condition. From reading books to tireless searching on Google, Afea began researching the ins and outs of autism. She also sought guidance from therapists, professionals, and specialists to get more answers. All this while being a single mom holding down a full-time job to care for her young son.
"I also attended parent support group meetings, but nothing I researched or read would prepare me for the life ahead of us," Afea recalls of the clarifying moment of her life.
In need of support, Afea signed up to participate with the Autism Speaks Walk so that she could connect with and learn from other people who were raising children with autism. "I was pleasantly surprised to meet and walk with families that were filled with positivity and support. It made me feel like I was not going through this alone. I tried to make it out every year."
Couresty of Afea Tucker
After attending several Autism Walks, she knew that she wanted to do more, especially for teens turning to adults. While holding down a demanding position as a K-8 teacher by day and hustling as a strategic communications consultant at night, for the love of her son, she founded the non-profit organization Au-Some Lives Inc., which offers social support for families with children, teens, and young adults living with autism.
"Our mission is to assist and empower autistic families by providing resources, social support, and opportunities to connect local families so that they can share experiences, information, and concerns about the autistic community," Afea proudly declares about the organization she created after feeling there were not enough support outlets for parents to share in their knowledge and experiences. "My son is 17 now, but not too long ago, people were not as informed or aware as they can be today. There were not many schools that catered to the needs of children with autism."
After being overwhelmed with calls from Amir's teachers, "at least three times a day," Afea found herself quitting her job and starting her PR agency while he was in school so she could dedicate her time to her son after school.
"I owe it to my son that I am a competitive, experienced, and skilled entrepreneur because working from home allowed me to challenge myself to be available for both my son and my clients, and arrange meetings that worked perfectly around my son's schedule and I did successfully."
Raising Amir hasn't been easy for Afea. Some days are more challenging than others, but they make the best out of their lives. "I learned to celebrate the milestones, every success, and moments of growth. He has accomplished more than some 'specialists' thought he'd ever achieved," Afea gleams with pure delight.
Despite how challenging it may be for some people with autism to socially interact and communicate, many enjoy companionship and having fun with their peers, and it all starts with goals. Afea sees this with Amir.
"One of the goals I listed for Amir was to tell me how his day went. Every day after school I asked him, 'Amir how was your day?' And after a year, he responded with the simple word 'good.' That one-word response was a huge accomplishment. Now we have moved past 'good' to what classes he had and [what he] ate for lunch. He started talking girls, which I wasn't prepared for, but nevertheless," she laughs.
Couresty of Afea Tucker
"Sky's the limit for Amir and I won't let anyone try to put a cap on what they think my son will be able to do based on a study or something they read in a textbook. You can't say everyone is different and then try to define and treat them all the same. I challenged the things I didn't believe in or weren't appropriate for my son."
Afea advises parents:
"There is no time for pity. Let your child know that they may be different but that they are loved. Children with autism need empathy, respect, and awareness."
As for her advice to parents seeking help, Afea wants to remind them: "You are not alone and there are some good people and organizations out there that want to help and genuinely support. Parent support groups are great places because you connect with people who have actually experienced parenting or caring for someone on the spectrum."
Moreover, Afea wants parents to feel comfortable taking their children out to explore. "Don't live in fear of other people's opinion. An opinion is just that, an opinion, not a fact. Try new things and let life flow. You never know when you'll have a breakthrough, so be patient."
"Amir's diagnosis made me strong, it made me an advocate because I literally had to be his voice for years. I also became an intensive skilled researcher because I spent hours looking into doctors, therapies, schools, research studies. Being a parent of a child with autism has built my character. I've become a bit more sensitive and compassionate."
To follow Afea and Amir's journey, check out her Instagram @its_ah_feeah.
- The Joys and Challenges of Being a Parent With Autism - The Atlantic ›
- 10 things parents of kids on the autism spectrum wish you knew ... ›
- 10 ways to help the parent of a child with autism | Life and style | The ... ›
- Tips for Parenting A Child With Autism ›
- Helping Your Child with Autism Thrive - HelpGuide.org ›
- The emotional journey of parenting an autistic child ›
- Parenting Styles That Don't Work with an Autistic Child ›
- Stress and the Autism Parent | Interactive Autism Network ›
- A Day in the Life: Raising a Child with Autism ›
- 15 Things I Know Being The Parent Of A Child With Autism ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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