
According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), 7.7 million adults in the United States live with PTSD. Women are twice as likely as men to develop this condition. Mental illness has been a part of my life as far as I can remember, starting with my mother undiagnosed struggles with mental illness. As a young child, I remember my mother not dealing with daily hardship very well and slowly isolating herself from family members.
By the time I was in my early teens, she had a nervous breakdown, abandoned me to be moved around to different relative homes. Sadly, my mother wasn't diagnosed until much later in life, which prompted me to get clinically diagnosed once I became a mother.
Many consider PTSD a soldier's illness, but in hindsight, twice as many women suffer from PTSD symptoms such as: flashbacks, dissociation, and anxiety. In the past, I was constantly fighting with past trauma and my dear husband was getting caught in the crossfire. I found myself struggling to do simple daily tasks, such as just getting out of bed and taking a shower.
It's not a phase; it's real suffering.
Now, my main priority is maintaining a positive outlook and actively decreasing trigger moments by taking prescribed medication, regular counseling, exercise, and meditation. My husband and I went to marriage counseling and slowly started to heal our relationship.
When your mental health isn't treated properly, everything and everyone you hold dear gets tossed to the side, while you try your best to climb out of that dark hole.
I had to make the decision to try my best to be happy and take full responsibility for my mental health.
I had to examine everything. I started by asking myself questions. Did I have toxic people around me? Was I engaging in anything that caused me stress? Was I actively taking responsibility for my needs, my joy, my pain?
Being diagnosed with a mental illness, such as PTSD, isn't the end of the world and I had nothing to be ashamed of.Once I started treatment, delegating responsibilities in my growing business, and learned to effectively deal with my trigger moments; everything in my life started changing for the better.
I want a happy and fulfilling life. I deserve it.
For anyone suffering from any form of mental illness, things that help me get by are:
- When you've reached your trigger moment and feel yourself sinking, give yourself time to just be! Give yourself ONE day to just feel however you feel. It's okay, we're all human. Negative emotions are still emotions.
- Do something you love to do! Catch a movie, make a spa day, go to the beach. Give yourself permission to do anything that will help you relax and be peaceful.
- Make an appointment with your counselor immediately. A lot of times it's easier to release past trauma with a counselor than it is with family or friends.
- Meditation works wonders! You don't have to be a yoga pro to meditate; it's as simple as going outside, finding a quiet spot, and being still. Think about all that you are grateful for, why you are blessed, things that make you feel happy, etc. Just be still and let God talk to you.
- Medication – my prescription has helped a lot as well. You must let your doctor know if something doesn't feel right. I must see my psychiatric nurse every thirty days for evaluation.
Being a wife, mother, and entrepreneur can be extremely stressful. I'm a firm believer that my family doesn't deserve all my baggage, they deserve the best part of me. I take full responsibility to giving them just that every day. Some days are better than others. But when I have bad days, I try my best to count my blessings and not beat myself up.
With time, I've learned to love and nourish all of me; flaws and all. I hope my story encourage others to speak out and love themselves as well.
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Originally published March 10, 2018
Featured image by Shutterstock
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
19 Must-Have Holiday Gifts For Your Friend In Their Hosting Era
What would the holiday be without the ones who host? As you make your Christmas gifting lists this holiday season, remember the ones who make the holidays feel special.
When it comes to gifting, the best way to extend gratitude to the ones in our lives who open their hearts and homes to us each year is through intentional gifts when you are invited over. And do not worry; whether you're balling or budget-friendly, xoNecole's got you covered with gifts that the hosts in your life will love.
So let's raise a glass (or buy some as a gift, lol) to the ones who make it happen; happy shopping!
Robin Marble Wine Bottle Holder

Anthropologie
This wine holder is a beautiful way to store wine bottles on a kitchen counter, but can also be used as a centerpiece for your tablescape. Handcrafted entirely from marble, this rack can also be chilled in order to keep bottles cold for dinner party guests - a sophisticated touch that brings added charm to this piece
Sweet July Olive Oil + Balsamic Vinegar Set

I don't know about you but I trust anything Ayesha Curry makes. Her best-selling Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar are essentials for any host’s pantry. 100% extra virgin olive oil made using Arbequina olives, known for their delicate flavor and unique bright and fruity aroma, with an Oak-aged Balsamic Vinegar from Italy. Enjoy this over cheese, salads, or marinades.
Valleta Gold Cheese Knives

CB2
That cheese on your charcuterie board isn’t going to cut itself. Now my favorite gold knives from CB2 were discontinued, but rest assured these are just as fabulous. The elegant stainless steel knives set elevates the cheese board with wavy brass loop handles for a comfortable grip.
Aspen Martini Glasses

Crate and Barrel
Espresso martini anyone? What I love most about this hosting gift is the intentionality around gifting the host with the necessary tools to curate one of the most trendy drinks. The classic V-shaped martini is finished with a smooth fire-polished rim and pulled stem. And if you’re feeling generous, include a bottle of your favorite vodka.
Temple OUD Candle

So I know you might be wondering, what does Beyoncé know about candles? My answer - everything. I’m a true candle snob, and this Temple OUD candle with rich and complex notes of oud, Australian sandalwood, warm musk, night-blooming jasmine, Haitian vetiver, and violet leaves, truly elevates the room and is a wonderful gift to a host. Take it from me, candles burn all night long when you host gatherings, and this is a gift that tells someone, you appreciate them and want them to feel just as good in their home when they’re hosting, and when they’re spending time at home for self-care.
SIN Handmade Oyster Platter

I’m a fan of Whole Foods $1 Oyster Fridays, and so are my girls who love to host. If you know a host who loves to serve seafood, this ceramic oyster plate has fluting inspired by paper plates and—just like oyster plates of the Victorian era—specially shaped nooks for bivalves.
Dinner Plus Brining Blend

Hits *add to cart* immediately! Just in time for the holidays, the Tastemaker himself Scot Louie has launched his brine blend. A wet brine is the key to a moist and succulent turkey and roasted meats— Brining Blend is your secret weapon. This blend brines up to 20 lbs of meat and is the best way to elevate your holiday turkey for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Hand Blown Champagne Glasses

Amazon
This one's for your bougie friend and in your price range! These elegant crystal champagne glasses are like candelabras in the darkness of the night, allowing you to find your one and only soulmate in the world. Imagine yourself intoxicated by the swirl of champagne, listening to the lilting melody of “ring” and raising your glass in celebration for only $25?!! Run, don't walk to get these from Amazon.
Embroidered Cocktail Napkins

There’s nothing a host loves more while hosting - than elevating their hosting experience. And these embroidered cocktail napkins allow for every gathering to have the timeless elegance of Threads & Honey's Embroidered Cocktail Napkins. Now before making a purchase like this, I’d take it a step further and consider their favorite color, and what fonts they like most before ordering.
Estelle Colored Wine Stemware - Set of 6

My personal favorite is Amber Smoke, but each color is flawless and the quality is well worth the purchase. If you want to give a host something that makes a lasting impression, go with Estelle Colored Glass. Estelle Colored Glass is a Black-owned luxury brand of hand-blown and specialty-made colored glass cake stands and stemware in a mix of jewel tones and soft pastels. Made for the founders' grandmother, Estelle, who she describes as "a jewel of a person that instilled in me an appreciation of the pastime of treasure hunting for beautiful finds -- especially for the kitchen which was the heart of her home."
Uncle Nearest Whiskey

There’s Whiskey, and then there’s Black-owned whiskey. Crafted by 4-time Master Blender of the Year and 5th-generation Green descendant, Victoria Eady Butler, this 84-proof Tennessee whiskey is perfect for sipping neat or mixing into your favorite cocktails.
French Kitchen Marble Wine Cooler

Crate and Barrel
Chill the wine in style. This white marble with grey veining unique to each piece chills wine at the table with classic flair. Not just a practical gift, but one that truly elevates the look of any gathering.
Tabitha Brown Electric Wine Opener

Target
Auntie Tab has got you covered with this fabulous electric wine opener that’s a part of her Tabitha Brown For Target collection! A thoughtful gift for the wine lovers, this makes it easy to start parties large and small in sophisticated style.
Compact Swivel Cheese Board with Knives

What’s better than a charcuterie board? Charcuterie served on a board taking its cue from a wheel of cheese. This unique design starts as a wedge and transforms into a tiered server for your favorite cheeses and appetizers with tucked-away flatware stowed in a small drawer inside the board guaranteed to impress.
VANE Monogram Tea Set

Founded by none other than Lynae Vanee, VANE centers “self” to combat the ever-pressing urge to pour from an empty cup. With VANE’s tranquil, grounding aesthetics in addition to its holistic approach to the user’s sensory experience, it encourages everyone to engage in self-care as an intentional — revolutionary — measure of reclaiming their time.
VANE SS Blend Box

You thought you could enjoy the tea set without the tea itself? Procure a variety of white tea-based Spring-Summer-inspired tea blends with flavors of lime & basil, peppermint & pineapple, rosehip & camellia, orange & persimmon, and more.
DeLonghi Espresso Machine

A little espresso to end the evening for the host and their guests is always a good idea. Imagine being the person to gift this espresso machine and having each evening filled with cups of cappuccino, espresso, and even caffeinated cocktails thanks to your present. This is the perfect machine for anyone who isn’t an expert at coffee but wants authentic barista quality right at home.
Modwix EcoLighter

Williams Sonoma
The EcoLighter from Modwix uses a flameless electric arc to instantly ignite a candle's wick. Unlike traditional lighters filled with butane, this planet-friendly accessory is rechargeable and infinitely reusable, getting up to 300 lights per charge. The chic design has a long neck for easy reach, and it's also windproof and water-resistant so you can use it anytime, anywhere.
KitchenAid Design Series Evergreen Tilt-Head Stand Mixer

Kitchen Aid
The perfect gift for the Nara Smith in your life who loves to make everything from scratch. KitchenAid’s newest evergreen tilt-stand mixer brings the essence of the outdoors within, so you can come alive in the kitchen every single time you use it. Ground yourself in natural elements of deep, forest green and a true, walnut wood bowl.
Featured image courtesy
Originally published on December 5, 2024












