Is Squirting Really Worth The Hype?
OK, so here's the set-up for this particular piece. One of my absolute favorite platonic male friends and I were discussing how, in his mind, he knows that a woman has not faked an orgasm with him (since a lot of women do; men too actually). "When she squirts, I know I handled my business", he said proudly. Even though I could hear his ego just oozing through the phone, this was one time when I didn't have a witty comeback because, from what I've read, researched and discussed with others on the topic of squirting, it's not really something that you can pretend to do. Either you did or…you didn't.
And since squirting is the kind of topic that, from my experience, comes up in conversations but isn't fully broken down so that we're all clear on what it actually is, I thought I'd take a moment to share what I've discovered about it. That way, if you want to know if it happened to you, you'd like to know what exactly is happening when it goes down or you'd like to attempt experiencing it at some point in your life, you'll know exactly what's up.
What Exactly Is Squirting?
Sometimes, the sex is so good that it seems like even your orgasms go to another level! In these instances, for some, in walks, squirting. In a nutshell, it's when your G-spot and urethral sponge are simultaneously stimulated to the point where fluid shoots out during the climax of sex.
OK, but still—what does all of this really mean? Let's start with the fact that squirting is actually the nickname for female ejaculation and, as I once read someone say, you don't need a penis in order to ejaculate; what you need is a urethra, and both men and women have one of those (ours is in our vagina wall, between our labia, right underneath our clitoris, and is shorter than men's are). While it is true that it's where pee comes out, for men, it's also where sperm is released. For us, it's where urine comes out…and sometimes white fluid that is released from our secretory glands too (the fluid is not to be confused with vaginal discharge, by the way).
So, does that mean that when you're squirting, you're basically peeing on yourself? That's where things get just a tad bit complex. From all that I've read and researched, it seems like a lot of medical professionals are unable to get on the exact same page about this. Some say that yes, it's pee, straight up. Others believe that squirting is a watered-down version of urine; like a lot of water and a little urine (which means it's still pee…right?). I did find a particular study that seemed to make a lot of sense (at least to me) when it comes to the whole "what is coming out exactly?" bafflement.
"In this 2011 study, researchers performed biochemical analysis on two distinct female fluids expelled during sex. The 'clear and abundant' fluid ejected in gushes was described as being similar to diluted urine. The second liquid was found to be comparable to components of male semen and released in smaller quantities compared to the other. The authors concluded, 'The real female ejaculation is the release of a very scanty, thick, and whitish fluid from the female prostate, while squirting is the expulsion of a diluted fluid from the urinary bladder.'"—"Myth busting: Is squirting just peeing?"
Yeeeeeah…I don't know about y'all, but it sounds to me like squirting definitely consists of urine, even if it is mixed in with a little bit of white fluid. So yeah, if you're a squirter, it appears that pee is definitely involved. For better or for worse.
What’s All of the Hype Behind It?
Now that we pretty much know what is really going on, at least physically, on the squirting front, perhaps you're wondering why so many people are thrilled with peeing—or getting peed on—during coitus. As someone who has never squirted (and personally, I'm OK with that), I decided to ask a couple of people in my life to share their thoughts on it all (I always change names so that I can get the real deal outta folks).
My married friend, Alexa said this: "The times when I've squirted before, I was drunk. It wasn't my husband who did it, but it was the same guy. When I finished, it definitely smelled like urine and, as far as the orgasm itself, again, I was drunk, but I don't recall them feeling any different. Actually, some orgasms that I've had that didn't involve squirting were way more intense. I think that's why I don't even try to make them happen now. I don't feel like I'm missing much."
My divorced friend, Donnie said this: "It's an ego thing for guys. Definitely. Because squirting isn't an everyday occurrence, when you are able to make a woman do it, it makes you feel like you've really accomplished something. As far as it being pee…I mean, I don't know if I'm thrilled about it but it's not gonna stop the show, if you know what I mean."
So, my female friend said that squirting is no biggie while my male friend expressed that it was an ego boost. I decided to ask a few other people to share their thoughts on it all and they basically said the same thing as they did. Except there is something else that I think should go on record. When I asked, "Where the heck did y'all get inspired to participate in squirting in the first place?", most of the women told me that their partners mentioned that they wanted to make it happen while the fellas said that they got the idea from—take one guess—porn. Porn hypes men's sexual egos. Imagine that, chile.
Listen, I'm not saying that there is something wrong if you want to squirt. Not at all. Sex is like art in the sense that how you view it is subjective in so many ways. At the same time, what I think should also go on record is if you've never squirted before and/or you don't want to, that's cool too. While certain circles create a lot of hype around it, it's not the biggest deal in the world, so…don't make it one.
Can You “Will Yourself” to Squirt?
Let me start to bring all of this to a close by saying that if you're someone who's squirted before and you've got a different set of feelings about it than all of what I just shared, that's what our comment sections on our socials are for. Please let us know what it does—or doesn't do—for you. And what if you're someone who's never had the pleasure but would like to check it off of your personal sex bucket list? Is there anything you can do to further the squirting along?
RELAX. What the women who've squirted before have all said to me is when fluid is literally squirting out of your body, it can be a little frightening if you happen to be caught totally off guard. In a way, I liken it to being pregnant and knowing that labor is gonna hurt. If you go into the experience, mentally prepared and not overthinking it, things will probably go a lot smoother for you. So try and relax. Sex, in general, is always better when you do.
Engage in much clitoral play. Your clitoris (including your clitoral hood) and G-spot being stimulated A LOT is the key to getting closer to a squirting experience (because remember that your "pee hole" is right under your clitoris), so getting into a sexual position where your clitoris can be manually stimulated as you're being penetrated is probably gonna be your best bet (like maybe him penetrating you while you're on your side or him laying on top of your back with you or him stimulating your clitoris). Oh, and make sure that it's not that "jack rabbit" kind of penetrating either; slow and steady wins the race in this particular case.
Bring your Kegels into the mix. If you're someone who doesn't do pelvic floor exercises, this would be a good time to bring that into play too. Tightening those muscles will make it even easier for your partner's penis to be able to "tap your spot".
Welp. That's pretty much the xoNecole Reader's Digest version of squirting. As far as the initial question within the title—you know, if it's all that it's cracked up to be—to be fair, I think you'd have to experience it for yourself to come to that conclusion. Now that you know what comes with it, you can decide for yourself. If you do decide to give it a shot, just make sure that you put down a rubber mattress and don't use your best sheets because, well, by now…you know why. Enjoy. #wink
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Halle Berry On Aging Like Fine Wine: 'I've Always Known That I've Been More Than This Face'
If "aging like a fine wine" was a person, it'd be Halle Berry.
The 58-year-old Never Let Go star recently donned the cover of Marie Claire magazine and she let it be known that though people have highly regarded her beauty and her body throughout much of her career, she is happy to be at an age now where "people will focus on the other aspects of me that I think are way more interesting."
"I’ve always known that I’ve been more than this face and more than this body," she shares with Marie Claire.
The actress and wellness founder has never felt as defined by her looks as she does by the aspects of herself and her nature that she has carefully cultivated through lived experience, knowledge and wisdom gained, her craft and accolades, her motherhood-- she insists that those are the things about herself that move her the most. "I do take ownership over those things that I’ve worked really hard at, and if somebody finds value in those things that lights me up," she tells them.
With physically demanding roles like her directorial turn in Bruised (where she also played double duty as the film's star) and John Wick 3: Parabellum and the recently-released The Union, it's clear Halle isn't letting age slow her career down or stop her from taking on the types of roles that excite her inner child. She told Marie Claire age ain't nothin but a number:
"Age is just a number that they stick on us at birth. As women, we get defined by it way more than men do and sometimes it can debilitate us. It can trick us into thinking what we’re supposed to do. We have to kick that in the face and say, 'No, I’m going to do what I can do as long as I feel good doing it!' And that will be whatever I want it to be. I get to define that."
For Halle, doing what she can do looks like prioritizing her health which was never for aesthetic reasons as it was for longevity reasons. The actress received a diabetes diagnosis in her 20s and has managed to stay off insulin by staying away from sugar. She tells Marie Claire, "Sugar is the enemy. You couldn’t put anything sweet in front of me right now and pay me to eat it. I’m just not interested."
Halle attributes being at what she calls "the pinnacle" of her life and "feeling better and stronger than I did when I was in my 20s" to a regimen that centers on her health and wellness. This includes non-negotiables like daily workouts, red light therapy, progesterone, and hot and cold therapy, to name a few.
Read more of her Marie Claire cover story here.
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