Damn periods. I mean, I get the purpose that they serve and everything but — like I’ve said before (and I tell every “love niece” and goddaughter that I have): if there is one thing that you will deal with for the rest of your entire life after it begins, it’s a damn period.
Take me, for example. As I’m accepting that I am in peak perimenopause, if there are two things that make that abundantly clear, it’s the fact that 1) the period that I used to be able to set everyone’s watch by now, wants to show up whenever it feels like it and 2) my natural Coke bottle shape is something that I have to be hella intentional about maintaining; mostly due to what is known as "menopause belly."
How do I know it’s that? Because it’s only become an issue over the past 2-3 years (since perimenopause can last anywhere from 4-10 years…that’s how I’ve connected those dots) my belly wants to look bloated far longer than PMS these days. Plus, whenever I do gain a couple of pounds, my stomach is exactly where things go (le sigh).
And just why is that? Long story short, as women inch closer into menopause, their estrogen and progesterone levels start to fluctuate all over the place — and that can make it easier for the body to accumulate and store fat. Plus, if you add to that the fact that we lose muscle mass and things like night sweats and mood swings can make it harder to rest (which means that our cortisol levels tend to also be off the charts) — well, yeah…our bellies have a high chance of revealing all of this.
Is there anything that can be done? The good news is, yes. By incorporating the following 12 tips into your lifestyle, I can vouch for the fact that you can keep your menopause belly in check while also making your (other) perimenopause symptoms more manageable.
1. Eat Healthy Fats
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Although I get that it might sound counterintuitive to eat fat if you want to lose fat, there is a method behind the madness. For one thing, fatty foods are able to keep you feeling fuller for a longer period of time. Also, they can lower your cholesterol levels, provide you with a boost of energy, help your system absorb the nutrients that it needs, and yes, help you to lose weight.
When it comes to that last point, there is actually a saying that states that “fat helps you to burn fat.” The key is to consume what is considered to be “healthy fats,” including salmon, avocados, eggs, nuts, and dark chocolate.
2. Then Eat (More) Protein
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Remember how I said in the intro that losing muscle mass comes with going through the stages of menopause? Well, when you up your protein intake, that helps to build more muscle. Some other benefits that come with protein consumption are it helps to stabilize your metabolism, reduces hunger cravings, and it plays a role in helping you to burn more fat, too.
Foods that are high in protein include red meat, poultry, eggs, quinoa, chickpeas, black beans, and dairy (or dairy alternatives like oat milk, almond milk, and flax milk).
3. And Some Anti-Inflammatory Foods
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I won’t lie to you; it really does suck that some of the best-tasting foods can also cause inflammation in your system. Foods like fried ones, sugar, red meat, and white-ish, including white pasta, white rice, and white pasta (yep, all of the fun stuff). The reason why inflammation is problematic as all get out is that, once it hits the systematic level, that significantly increases your chances of being diagnosed with diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, Alzheimer’s disease (wild, right?), and yes, obesity.
So, while we’re talking about foods that are good for you, also grocery shop for ones that fall into the category of being anti-inflammatories. Foods like dark leafy greens, cherries, almonds, olive oil, and tuna certainly qualify.
4. Consume More Vitamin C
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Did you know that there is a direct link between body fat and a low amount of vitamin C in your system? No joke. What’s even wilder is if you’re not getting as much of this nutrient into your system, your waistline is one of the first places where the “evidence” could very well show up — not to mention the fact that a vitamin C deficiency can also result in drier skin, bleeding gums, vision issues, and bad moods.
So, if you don’t eat a lot of citrus fruit, berries, cantaloupe, spinach, or peppers, definitely take a vitamin C supplement. Oh, and try to keep it below 2,000 mg a day. Even though your body will get rid of the vitamin C that it doesn’t need, too much of this nutrient can definitely lead to an upset stomach.
5. Sip on Some Oolong Tea
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Is herbal tea something that you enjoy? Yeah, me too. As you’re in the process of building up your collection, make sure that you’ve got some oolong tea around. Aside from the fact that it’s loaded with antioxidants, it can lower your diabetes risk, it can help to keep your heart healthy and strong and oolong tea has a solid reputation when it comes to weight management. One reason is because it’s great at increasing your metabolism, which is also something that can take a bit of a dive during perimenopause and menopause.
6. Exercise
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There is no way that you’re going to be able to take weight off and keep it off without doing some form of exercise. Cardio helps to burn fat, while strength training helps to give your body some definition and build muscle mass. And what if the thought of going to the gym several days a week is a total turn-off? Walking, participating in online yoga classes, jogging around your neighborhood, using free weights, and even playing with your children all qualify as exercises that will help get rid of belly fat.
However, if you’d like some specific exercises that will help to get that menopause belly where you want it to be as soon as possible, check out Prevention’s “17 Best Exercises to Burn Belly Fat, According to Personal Trainers”.
7. Monitor Your Stress Levels
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I have shared many times before that some pretty serious health issues are directly tied to stress: asthma, diabetes, depression, heart disease, and, yes, obesity. Know what else I read a while back? Currently, over 2 out of 3 women are considered to be either overweight or obese, and when you think about how stress-filled a lot of our lives are…how could the connections not be made?
Because cortisol can throw your metabolism off and decrease the muscle mass that you’re already losing during perimenopause and menopause and because that, too, can contribute to belly fat — well, that’s just one more reason to reset boundaries with any person, place, thing or idea that is stressing you out. For so many reasons, it’s just not worth it, sis.
8. Inhale Some Clary Sage
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Any time that I pen a health-related article, if I can find a way to incorporate essential oils, I will. Today, it’s clary sage because there is a direct correlation between inhaling it and losing belly fat. For one thing, it can help to regulate your moods. Another benefit of clary sage is it can help to reduce your stress hormone (cortisol) and, again, that means less fat accumulation including when it comes to your belly area.
9. Research Caralluma Fimbriata
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If you’ve heard of Caralluma Fimbriata before, I am 1000 percent impressed. For those who haven’t, it’s an herb that helps to manage your serotonin (a chemical that sends messages throughout your body) levels. What does this have to do with belly fat? Well, some studies reveal that when you take in this particular herb, it can get your serotonin levels to suppress your appetite and ultimately reduce belly fat; that’s why many diet pills have it listed as one of their ingredients.
10. Up Your Iron and Calcium
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Although you might’ve read or heard somewhere that once you stop having a period, you won’t need as much iron (because you’re not losing as much blood anymore), there is some scientific data that pushes back on that. For instance, one study reveals that iron and calcium, together, can help to keep your bones strong once that time of your life transpires.
When you add that to the fact that some intel also says that iron supplements can help to regulate a high-fat diet while calcium helps to regulate how fat is processed in your body — if you know that you’re not getting enough iron and calcium, now is the time to be more intentional about doing so.
11. Get More Sleep. And Rest.
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Perimenopause and menopause are a real mutha when it comes to trying to get a good night’s rest. A huge reason is due to night sweats, which are another result of estrogen and progesterone acting like they are on a roller coaster ride at Six Flags. And if you don’t make sure to get at least six hours of sleep every night, that can cause you to pack on some pounds because 1) it causes you to eat less, 2) it stabilizes your metabolism, 3) it gives you the energy that you need to consistently exercise, and 4) it can help to keep your stress levels down — and since there is scientific research to back up that stress can directly lead to abdominal fat accumulation, that is something to take special note of.
While we’re on this topic, also make sure to REST too — and yes, there is a difference. While sleep helps your mind and body to rejuvenate and refuel, rest helps even your soul to calm down and refresh itself. When you do things like stay off of electronics, read (an actual book), listen to nature sounds, pamper yourself, and take a day off to do absolutely nothing, that also decreases your cortisol levels so that weight gain is harder for you to experience.
12. Don’t Diet
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As more time goes by and more research is being done, many physical and mental health professionals are coming to the conclusion that diets aren’t the way to go when it comes to losing weight. Instead, to get the long-term results that you seek, it’s important to focus on the reasons behind what got you to the weight where you are and the lifestyle changes that need to happen in order to get the results you seek. So, as I close this out, it’s important to keep in mind to not rely on diets to get your belly fat under control; this includes doing trendy things like taking Ozempic.
I personally know several people, who aren’t diabetic, who are relying on it to drop a few pounds, and not only is that causing a shortage in the drug for diabetics who actually need it, but it’s also frowned upon when used in this fashion. In fact, you should only take it if a medical professional has advised you to. Instead, old-fashioned eating right and exercising is the healthier way to go — for your overall health and well-being and to get that menopause belly where you want it to be.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
A Cosmic Guide To Love In 2025: What The Stars Have In Store For Your Heart
The most important lesson we are learning about love in 2025 is change. Many major Astrological transits are happening this year, and these will last for years to come. As we walk through this new year, we are being asked to let go of the things we can’t control, and give more grace to the things we can. This is a year of a new perspective on love, finding gratitude in the little things, and watching as the universe supports us and the dreams we build for ourselves here.
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say About Your 2025 Love Life?
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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You Should 'Grieve Your Way' Into The New Year. Here's What I Mean.
Grief, boy. If there’s anything that has the ability to manifest itself in some pretty unexpected ways for as long as it sees fit, it’s grief. An example of mine is the fact that, back when my late fiancé died in 1995, it was in a freak accident at a Shell gas station on Bell Rd. in Antioch, TN. The super-tripped-out part? My mom used to call me “Shell Belle” while growing up, and clearly, Shellie Bell would’ve been my married name (wild, right?).
Fast forward to this year, and I’m reminded of almost 30 years ago in a very surprising way because Damien was a music engineer at the time; one of his favorite producers was Quincy Jones, and so my mother got me an advanced copy of Q’s Jook Joint to put into Damien’s casket. Who would’ve known, all this time later, that Damien and Quincy would have in common the date of their passing? November 3. And yes, that has caused me to process grief, yet in another way entirely than I have in times past.
Since the initial profound level of grief hit me at such a young age (21), it has caused me to look at grief with a lot of nuance to it.
Grief is hard. Grief is deeply self-reflective. Grief is also miraculously transformative. As John Green, the author of The Fault in Our Stars, once wrote, “Grief does not change you…It reveals you.” Legendary writer C. S. Lewis once said this about grief: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” And, as one of my all-time favorite poets, Rumi puts it, “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” Yes, including grief.
One way that loss — not just of a person but…pretty much the loss of anything that you may hold dear — can “come around” is by creating a time, atmosphere, and opportunity for real change; it does this by encouraging you to do some very serious soul-searching. Not only that, but as a science-based article that I recently read on grief stated, although grief can initially feel like emotional chaos at first, it definitely has a way of evolving us, showing us how important relationships are (including the relationship that we have with ourselves) while teaching us how to become more adaptable to change as we learn to love better — and differently.
All of this is why I’m really big on something that I call “grieving your way” into new seasons. And since the new year is a time that is considered to be a new season for so many, I figured that now would be an excellent opportunity to further explain just what I mean by “grieving your way” and why grieving into the next 12 months, before they actually arrive, just might be the best thing that you could do for yourself — and what lies ahead.
The Five Traditional Stages of Grief
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Let’s begin with the fact that, just like we can thank Dr. Gary Chapman for his concept known as the five love languages back in 1992, back in 1969, it was a Swiss American psychiatrist by the name of Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who created what we now call the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As I was reading a piece that shared excerpts of how Dr. Kübler-Ross explains each stage of the grieving process (which we will touch on in a sec), it reminded me that there is also something that is called the Kübler-Ross Change Curve. Basically, it’s some added phases of grief — and there are two that I think will be really beneficial for today’s exercise: testing (experimenting with new situations) and decision (the optimism that comes from trying something new).
Okay, so even though grief is oftentimes immediately associated with the death of someone only, articles that I’ve written for the platform, like “How To Heal From A Broken Friendship,” are again reminders that ANY TYPE OF LOSS that impacts your life will probably require some type of grieving. That’s the sad part. The amazing thing about allowing that reality to settle into your spirit is being willing to intentionally walk through grief can evolve you in ways that nothing else in life can.
So, let’s go through the five — well, seven — stages (with some different scenarios so that you can see how to grieve beyond death), with a bit of a twist, shall we?
1. Denial: “Life makes no sense.”
GiphySay that you just lost your job — and ugh, can there be a worse time of year for that to happen? And here’s the thing: although it might seem like it’s a common practice to fire or lay people off in December, January is reportedly the most popular month. Either way, the reason why companies do so at this time of the year is usually due to how their fiscal year falls. Anyway, when it’s you, do you even care about the reasons behind it?
All you know is you (almost always) didn’t see it coming, you’ve got bills that you had a hard time keeping up with before losing your gig, and now you have no clue what to do. The sheer shock of it all can put you into an utter state of denial because you truly can’t believe what is going on. Deeper than that, though, as Dr. Kübler-Ross breaks down what denial feels like, things just don’t make sense to you right now.
Before no longer being employed, sure there were challenges. Oh, but now, you don’t even know how you’re going to handle those. And when things don’t make sense, life can be paralyzing.
Denial stage: If there is something that you’ve recently lost that have you feeling exactly this way, you need to be able to call it out by name because, in order for things to become sensical (i.e., logically coherent) again in your mind, you’ve got to know what, specifically, has thrown you off to begin with. That said, what have you lost this year that may still not make sense to you?
2. Anger: “Anger is strength.”
GiphyWhen it comes to the emotion known as anger, I’ve always appreciated the Scripture that instructs, “Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah” (Psalm 4:4-NKJV) At the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with being angry; anger simply means that you are displeased with something or someone — and when you lose something or someone and the emotion that you feel is anger, the dissatisfaction that’s within you is what will cause you to want to make some changes in your life so that you’re not feeling anger…forever.
Yeah, interestingly enough, when anger is imbalanced and goes all the way to the extreme, a synonym for it is acrimony — and I’m sure more than a few of us have watched Tyler Perry’s movieAcrimony (my opinion about it…I digress) to get just how problematic that can be. And yet, did you peep the pull-out quote from Dr. Kübler-Ross that I went with on anger and then what the Bible verse says that you should do when you are angry? Say that you just found out that a friend betrayed you. Although you may want to act out on how displeased you are, THERE IS STRENGTH IN BEING STILL — and then processing for a moment.
Anger stage: If losing something — even if it’s simply realizing that someone isn’t who you thought that they were — has you super frustrated right now, rather than “doing something about it,” take a moment to figure out what you are so dissatisfied with. That way, you can put steps in place to have better discernment and healthier boundaries in the future.
Exhibiting the kind of self-control that responds instead of reacts is a true sign of real maturity, and oftentimes, you don’t realize you’ve gotten there until you go through the loss of something that has angered you so.
3. Bargaining: “We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt.”
GiphyChile, is it bargaining — or is it begging? There is someone I know who is attached to such a toxic individual; one way I know that to be true is because she is constantly “bargaining” in order to try and make the relationship work (well, last, because it really isn’t working). Because she so wants things to be how they were, shoot, 20 years ago, she finds herself trying to make deals with the guy, with herself, and even with God (via the “If you make him do this, I will do that” prayers).
Honestly, it’s so difficult to watch her remain in the pattern of bargaining that I’ve had to mentally and emotionally remove myself a bit because she is literally hellbent on remaining stuck in the past even though philosopher Thomas Hobbes once so eloquently stated, “Hell is truth seen too late.” As I’ve been processing all of this, what I realize is probably what’s hardest to see is how much she is remaining loyal to the past, even though the past is gone.
It’s like she would literally rather remain loyal to “back then” with him, even though both of them are not the same people anymore — even though it is totally at the cost of what could be…with someone else…who would probably be so much better for her.
Bargaining stage: The fascinating thing about the bargaining stage of grief is it’s like you want to avoid the pain that’s associated with loss so much that you’re not even willing to consider that the pain won’t last always. Plus, it could be strengthening you for so much more that is in store. That said, if you are constantly making deals with someone or prayer deals with God, ask yourself if, like C. S. Lewis said, fear is motivating you — because if that is the case, yeah…that ain’t good.
Another Scripture? “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (I John 4:18 — NKJV) This Scripture is a reminder that when you’re in the bargaining phase when it comes to loss, all you’re really doing is…well, tormenting yourself. So, take a moment to ponder if, on some level, right now…are you? Are you trying so hard to avoid the pain of releasing the past that you’re only causing more harm to yourself in the process?
4. Depression: “Empty feelings present themselves…”
GiphyIf you’ve ever heard before that depression is simply “anger turned inward,” it is the famed neurologist Sigmund Freud who once said it, and yes, there can certainly be some truth to that. To me, though, I think depression (not clinical depression but the kind that is typically associated with grief) is more about…emotional exhaustion. Like Dr. Kübler-Ross says, you have been feeling so much about what you have lost that you don’t have much of anything left — including hope.
What’s potentially concerning about that, though, is it’s important to remember what one of my favorite definitions of hope actually is: “the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.” Did you peep that hope doesn’t always mean that you can have what you want (including what you may have lost)? Oh, but if you hold on to hope anyway, what you can be sure of is, at some point, you will see how things really did turn out for the and your best.
Depression stage: The end of a relationship. The loss of a pet. The unexpected emptiness that comes from changing jobs, leaving a church, or moving to another city. If one of the top words that you would use to describe how you are feeling is depressed, and now you realize that more accurately, it’s because there is a sense of hopelessness, now is the time to remember that, again, just because something may not have gone as you wanted it to, that doesn’t mean that the universe does not have your best interest, in mind.
Now is the time to explore and express what has caused you to lose hope (the first definition) and what you can do to restore it (the second one).
5. Acceptance: "We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves."
GiphyAs a control freak in recovery, something that has made going through my own seasons of grief move a lot faster is learning to accept things — for starters, accepting that loss is a part of life, and absolutely no one escapes it. This means that when I do lose a person, place, thing, or even (sometimes an) idea, that doesn’t mean that the world is against me; it simply means that I am not exceptional when it comes to escaping grief — that I must humble myself and accept that very real fact.
And what does it mean to be at a place of acceptance? Acceptance is about flexibility. Acceptance is about patience. Acceptance is about…just what the quote up top says about acceptance: knowing that it’s time to reorganize some things because, when we lose something or someone, it is time to shift…and then be okay with the shifting that is required — and necessary.
Acceptance stage: If something has happened in your life that you just refuse to accept, ask yourself why that is the case. If you’re really and truly honest with yourself, a lot of it probably has to do with the fact that you’re still trying to control things that are well beyond your control — and gee, why put yourself through the drama and trauma of continuing to do that?
As philosopher Maxime Lagacé once said, “The first step towards change is acceptance. Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That’s all you have to do.” And you know what? Really, at the end of the day, all acceptance is saying is, “I recognize the loss and how it has altered my life. Now, I am ready to reorganize some things, create a new normal, and embrace who I am about to become as a result of what has transpired.”
Bonus Stages of the Grieving Process
Beginning Something New GIF by T-Pain - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyOnce you have completed these exercises in the traditional five stages of grief, it’s time to tackle what I call “bonus stages” — it’s time to test out some new situations and make the decision to look at it all with a positive lens.
Testing: Experimenting with New Situations
Question: When was the last time you experimented with your life by doing something new? When it’s all said and done, experimenting is simply doing something in order to learn what you don’t already know. And y’all, after a loss, one thing that can be exciting about what’s next (after going through the acceptance stage) is you can give yourself permission to do things that are unfamiliar — things that will help you to learn about who you now are as the direct result of how the loss has transformed you.
Yes, once you’ve fully accepted that you are now a different person, it’s time to find some new/other people, places, things, and ideas that will complement who and what loss has caused you to become. And if you look at it from the right perspective, that can cause excitement to replace your feelings of despair (which, by definition, is a loss of hope).
Decision: The Optimism of Trying Out Something New
Choosing to be positive. Sometimes, grief will try and lie to you by saying that you don’t have a choice in how to feel or be. And although you should absolutely allow yourself to go through all of the stages of grief (so that you can process your loss fully), the mere fact that you have survived/are surviving the loss means that you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.
It also means that yes, you can CHOOSE TO BE POSITIVE about what the loss has taught you about you, along with what lies ahead as the “new” you. And so, as you are “testing things out,” choose what will make you feel great about what’s next. Don’t compromise that on any level.
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It is Queen Elizabeth who said around the time of the 9/11 terrorist attacks that, “Grief is the price that we pay for love.” When we care about something profoundly, and we lose it, grief comes. Hopefully, though, this article has shown you how to work through grief in a way where you won’t fear it; instead, decide to embrace grief because you know that it almost certainly brings about (internal) change and, if you choose well, ultimately…change for the better.
And y’all, that is why I think “grieving into new seasons” is an absolutely wonderful (and highly recommended) thing to do. When processed differently, grief can be its own gift. Amen.
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