At this point, who doesn’t know what the five love languages are, right? I mean, they’re so popular that I’d also be shocked if most people weren’t also aware that a pastor and counselor (who recently turned 87, by the way) by the name of Dr. Gary Chapman is who came up with the concept. And honestly, that’s why I’m also not surprised that, even though millions upon millions of copies of his book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts have been sold (and applied), as of late, there have been naysayers writing articles stating that his theories are not scientifically substantiated.
Uh-uh, if you read a lot of those pieces deeper (like this one here), they claim that there hasn’t been enough data collected to know if quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and/or gifts are truly the ways that we prefer to feel loved by others the most. Hmph. Sounds like a bunch of haters who are pissed that they didn’t come up with the concept first, so I’ll skip over the skepticism and continue to apply them to some of my pieces, thank you very much.
In fact, one of my favorite things about love languages is I think they can — and should — be applied in a myriad of different ways. That’s why, over the years, I’ve penned pieces for the platform like “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language,” “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?,” “This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships” — and today, it’s all about how to use the five love languages as it relates to one of the greatest things about you: your vagina (and the outer part of it which is your vulva).
Although it might sound a bit weird to think about love languages in this way at first, I think that after you read this all the way through, you’ll get the importance of showing your uniquely-yours-treasure-trove extreme love, in all five ways, just as much and often as you possibly can.
Quality Time
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Some of y’all might feel some type of way about what I’m about to say but I’m going to say it anyway. Am I the only one who notices how much social media rants about body counts not mattering and yet, at the same time, whenever it’s time to do some spiritual soul-seeking or “getting back to me,” one of the first things that comes up is going through a season of abstinence? Let me tell you something, when I started my own abstinence journey a billion years ago, at first, I just saw it as a break from the physical aspect of sex. Oh, but as I started to do more research on what science says about copulation (like TIME’s “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring”), it helped me to become even firmer in my stance that I’m not a fan of casual sex — shoot, now more than ever.
Anyway, as far as quality time with one’s vagina goes, honestly, the first thing that comes to my mind is being abstinent for a season (check out “What Actually Happens To Your Vagina During Seasons Of Abstinence?”). Why? Because when you take time out to not allow anyone into that very sacred space, it can help you to learn about what your vagina wants and needs…beyond sexual pleasure. And honestly, it can help you to tap into your sensual nature on another level too (check out “10 Women Tell Me How Abstinence Actually Made Them...Sexier”).
As far as how long the season should last, that is totally up to you. All I’m saying is that it’s something worth considering. I know a lot of women (and men) who have done it. Not one of them has regretted it.
Another way to look at showing quality time to your vagina is taking a “vagina vacation” because think about it — what happens on vacations? Rest, relaxation, pampering, right? So, why not treat your vagina to one of these? It might seem crazy to wrap your mind around yet there are spas and resorts that are specifically designed to focus on kegel and pelvic floor exercises, treatments that you can give to your vulva, and holistic approaches that you can take to increase your natural lubrication, decrease your chances of having a vaginal infection and improve the overall quality of vaginal intercourse.
My recommendation? Think about the treatments that you want to give your vagina, then select a spa in another city. You can spend the day giving “her” some TLC and then the rest of the time chilling out.
Physical Touch
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If the first thing that came to your mind with this one is masturbation — although I can see why, it doesn’t have to be. There are definitely other ways that you can express “self-love” to your genital region than (just) that. For instance, there is vaginal mapping (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”) which is all about giving your vulva and vagina a therapeutic massage for the purpose of providing them both with a level of compassion when it comes to checking out areas where there might be pain, numbness or even areas of discomfort.
While this can obviously be physically beneficial, there are some psychological reasons why this is a wise practice too; for instance, sometimes this type of touch can remind you of some suppressed trauma you might’ve experienced or anxiety that you may have. If that is the case, you may want to discuss it with your doctor and/or a reputable sex therapist.
Another thing that you may want to consider is performing a vaginal self-exam (see “Why You Should Give Yourself A ‘Vaginal Self-Exam’”). This is basically a breast self-exam, just for your vulva and vagina, so that you can see if there are any (physical) abnormalities that you might’ve missed while bathing. Another way to love on “her,” physically, is to simply do a vaginal massage which is also called a yoni massage. Although it’s somewhat similar to vaginal mapping, its main purpose is to simply help you to feel more comfortable with yourself in that space.
Personally, I do vaginal massages in the sense of using a combination of warmed-up grapeseed oil and lavender oil to increase blood circulation to my pubic mound and vaginal lips as well as soften my pubic hair. Anyway, you can read more about vaginal/yoni massages here.
Words of Affirmation
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A couple of years ago, I penned a piece for the platform entitled, “Vaginas Are Like Plants. Here's What I Mean By That.” One of the things that I mentioned in it is the importance of — wait for it — talking to your va-jay-jay. If you think that it’s just something that I made up in my head, check out HuffPost’s (UK) article, “Speaking To Your Vagina Can Help It Thrive, Says Gynaecologist.”
The long short of it is there is a part of our brain known as the reticular activating system (RAS); it’s what helps to regulate our sleep, attention, and arousal cycles and patterns. It is also thought to be a part of how our subconscious mind operates. Anyway, the theory is that if you speak positively to and about your vagina, that will cause you to 1) act lovingly towards it and 2) want to provide it with the things that it needs.
If you add to this the fact that research also says that things like stress and not feeling good about yourself can lead to things like vaginal dryness, a lowered libido, and recurring yeast infections, speaking good things about your vagina could only work to your benefit…don’t cha think?
Acts of Service
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To me, acts of service simply means vaginal maintenance — getting waxes (if that’s your thing); taking a daily probiotic; doing kegels; buying new cotton panties every 6-9 months; using white (and unscented) toilet paper (other kinds can irritate your vagina); using water or only vaginal washes that are made specifically for your vulva and vagina (I like Boric Fresh PH Balancing Daily Feminine Wash and Pangaea Wash™: 100% Natural Foaming Feminine Wash and you can also check out “Love On Yourself With These 7 All-Natural DIY Vaginal Washes”); using condoms; keeping your labia moisturized with some coconut, avocado or olive oil (which contain properties to protect vulvar skin); NOT using scented products (if your vagina or vulva has a consistent odor, see your doctor), and sleeping naked (so that “she” can breathe).
Yeah, even though my own primary love languages aren’t acts of service, I’ve always liked this one because it commands respect: “Don’t just say that you love me; DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.” Salute. LOL.
Gifts
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Something that I like a lot about DIY gift baskets is you can customize them in super detailed ways — this includes when it comes to your vagina and vulva. For instance, if you wanted to show “her” some extra love via gift-giving, you could create a yoni basket that is filled with things like — yoni bath bombs, some vulva balm and you should also check out “Your Vagina's Holiday Wishlist Includes Pelvic Floor Massagers, Tanga Panties, & More” for more inspiration.
Also, I actually treated myself to a tumbler that says “Make Better Coochie Decisions” (by Goddess Intentions) on it, simply because I thought the message was hella cute. At the end of the day, a gift is a token of appreciation. Your vagina deserves to feel appreciated by you…on the regular.
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It can’t be said enough that the more that I learn about the vagina (and vulva), the more intentional I am about giving it extra special praise, care and attention. This list is just a reminder to consider doing the same.
Show “her” love and watch how she responds in return. Yes, literally, sis.
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Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
“Tribe Therepē has evolved into exactly what I have always envisioned. A community of women who care about being fit not just for the aesthetic, but for their mental and emotional well-being too. It’s grounded. It’s feminine. It’s strong,” she says. “And honestly, it's a reflection of where I am in my life right now. I feel so damn good - mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I am grateful to be in a space where I can pour that love and light back into the community that continues to pour into me.”
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
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I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
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An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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